This Just In!

" Filthy, Disgusting President Trump's Approval Rating At Lowest Point Yet!" reports your typical news source.

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Selena Gomez!

One Again!

Agrees To Act As Justin Bieber's Beard!

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Republicans Once Again FAIL To Repeal ObamaCare!

"It's not our fault," the whiney whiners whine. "We only control the House and Senate!"

It was my first Civil War reenactment.

I didn't know you weren't supposed to use real ammunition.

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Mega Millions!

Raises The Price Of A Ticket To TWO Dollars!

"The poor play the Lotto, and we want to take as much money from them as we can."

Visiting Auschwitz, my family and I were deeply moved, but I don't know why everybody got so upset when we set down a blanket and had a picnic.

This Just In!

Scientists Have Determined That Sheep Can Recognize Celebrity Faces!

"Those sheeps are LIARS!" says a disgustipated Harvey Weinstein.

For those of you who are still upset there will be no 3rd Sex & The City movie, watch an episode of Golden Girls instead.

Any one will do.

I can't say for sure, but I'm guessing it would sure stink to be a vegan zombie.

Hillary Clinton is OUTRAGED at Russia's alleged hacking of an American election.

"That's OUR job!" the DNC agrees.

Unlike the barflies at Cheers, I don't like to go where everybody knows my name.

That makes it too hard to skip out on my tab.

"There's too much nudity on Game of Thrones."

"Then why do you watch it?"

"I just told you, there's too much nudity on Game of Thrones."

This Just In!

Julia Roberts!

REMAKES Mask!

With Wonder!

Face it, Julia... you're no Cher.

The only thing I know about the future is that it's going to be more expensive.