A.N.: This is not one of my typical stories. Usually, I create something more structured with an end in mind and a general idea of how I want to get there. Since this is basically a chronicle of my life, I have no way to know where it's going, but I'm hoping to construct the narratives for each chapter on their own. Obviously, I'm changing people's real names to protect their privacy.
I'll be starting at the "end", because that is when I first felt compelled to write this all down. This is actually a letter I wrote to my ex-girlfriend (yes, I'm bisexual), and the original was in Portuguese, so forgive me if the translation doesn't flow as smoothly. It's all still very raw and emotional to me, please be gentle with your criticism.
Prologue: From My Heart to Yours
First of all, I'd like to thank you.
It was four months of commitment and learning that actually were a lot more than four months. Because we already knew each other way before that and I'd already been falling in love with you for longer than that, before a frenzied, crazy, beautiful first kiss that took the floor from under my feet. And even if it's over, I know I'll still keep learning from all of this and with you still in my life.
You've helped me come back to living, while before I'd been merely existing. I felt things I never thought I'd feel again and other things I've definitely never felt before. I felt scared, for many reasons, but you were beside me every step of the way and that gave me strength and courage I never knew I had. You showed me what it's like to be loved and cared for in a completely new way, caring for my feelings and opening up your heart, your life, your house, your body, your dreams, your fears, you family, your everything to me. For the first time I caught myself wishing for and dreaming of things I didn't even know I could want. It may have been short-lived, but it was more real and intense than anything else in my life.
I already thought you were interesting way before we got involved. I've never spent a moment of discomfort beside you, as far as I can remember. There was always something to talk about, and one of the things I liked the most was to hear you talk. Either telling some story or explaining something, I love your voice and the way you listen to others and interact with them. I envy your apparent ease with which you deal with people. You're a very open and warm person, despite the fact that some may find you rather harsh or too direct. It's easy to feel at ease with you.
It was very important for me to live through this with you, as it called my attention to many things. Points of view I already knew, but didn't understand, not the way I got to understand after going through what we went through. My world and my head are unparalleled enriched.
Your laughter is one of the most beautiful sounds I've ever heard (just as your sighs and moans). It comes from deep inside you, and it comes out and expands and involves everything. I loved going to the movies with you and hearing your laughter resounding in the room and inside my bones. I still have one of these moments engraved in my memory like yesterday, and I'm looking at you like I'm discovering you all over again, once more.
I feel it was all too much; we swallowed each other and consumed each other and I immersed myself into you and in all of this I drowned and I sank us. I've learned a lot, I took a lot from you and I feel I didn't do the same for you. I already knew all of this, but I'm learning once again how I function, when I get insecure and afraid of losing something so precious to me. I'm so sorry for taking so much from you without giving back.
You say I don't need to keep apologizing, but I'm still sorry for all and any harm I may have done to you. I don't deal well with rejection by nature, and you were someone that was so good to me that I didn't want to accept, I didn't want to believe there wasn't anything I could've done. I didn't want to let go, I was willing to unfold and destroy and reconstruct myself so I could somehow be the person you so needed, like you were to me.
If I could, I would've done many things differently. I would've opened myself more, exposed myself more, risked myself more. Communicated more. I know I'm not someone easy to read, yet somehow I keep expecting people to know what I'm feeling without me saying it. But I'm learning with this and putting this into practice more in my life now. I never thought this "ask and you shall receive" thing could be so literal. Who knew it was that easy!
I know I'm not all faults, just as you're not perfect either. But I just wanted to express a bit how important you were to me, and writing is something that at times comes easier than talking. I hope I'm able to tell you some of these things in person, and I know some I've already remarked to you before. Regardless I leave you this letter (that I owed you while we were together). My version of Dear John, to whom I consider my first great love.
I'm no longer sad and desperate. I don't cry bitterly everyday anymore, feeling sorry for everything. I changed my views and now I see things for what they are. It was beautiful and wonderful while it lasted, but I wasn't the person you needed, and for that very reason you weren't the person for me neither. I was more than willing to be with you and find ways for us to be well and together, despite everything. But it doesn't mean I would've been right either. Maybe it would've just destroyed us completely.
(If someday you'd like to try again, I'd probably be willing to learn again and risk it all. But I know that right now you need to do what you have to so you'll be okay, and so do I.)
I have loved, do love and will love you from the bottom of my heart.
From your forever *lindinha,
*lindinha is a term of endearment that I can't properly translate, and I'll probably use it a lot. It is a diminutive of "beautiful", like "beautiful little thing" and it was how we called each other.