you were my first and only boyfriend. the first boy i ever loved, the first boy i ever kissed, the first boy i gave my heart, body and soul too. we dated for a year and a half and at first things were good. they were so good. my eyes lit and danced with stars when i spoke of you and i blushed every time somebody brought you up. we were together all the time and you were the first person i spoke to every morning and my last goodnight before i entered into a sleep full of dreams of you. we went on picnics, dates, to dances and proms, we sat in a gazebo in the park at night when it glowed with lights as we spoke of our future and our pasts and everything under the sun. i was only 16 and you were only 17 but i knew then like i know now that i loved you. i daydreamed of sunday mornings waking up beside you in a big bed with a fluffy white comforter and a being that was half you and half me in between us. but then things got bad. you told me you didn't want me in the future but you wanted me for now. you gave your phone number to a girl you met one day and started texting her and you never told me. you belittled me when we fought asking why was i too stupid to understand what you were saying. you gave up trying on what we had because that was easy. you made me promises you never kept. you evaded every memory of us and tainted it with an impermeable poison that filled my mind with fear and doubt. but i stayed. in spite of how i was breaking on the inside i stayed. i defended you to my friends and i bottled things up and buried them deep inside and i let you break me and ruin me. i cried myself to sleep so many nights and begged a higher power to make you change, to make you who you once were. but you didn't. and you ended things. and my heart shattered so completely and once again i cried and once again i begged a higher power but this time to close my heart and to never let me love again. and i hurt and i hurt and i hurt and i hurt. but i've found my salvation in the love of my friends and the love of my family and the love of myself. i am growing and changing everyday. i am becoming a version of myself who is strong. who will never let another person break and ruin and hurt her. it is true that i think of you more often than not and wonder if we could have been great and if we could have had those sunday mornings. you were the first boy i ever loved but i love myself more and i am strong and nobody will ever break me again.