this was, the 2nd time in 2 months she'd gone through it. and she's wondering if she should be hospitalised. no she knows she should be they just. they won't do anything for her that she won't isn't able to do herself. it would just take her longer. she wouldn't be happy there she wouldn't content. she just feels like someone should know. well someone does know but she's alone. [well. not literally.]. but the people who are physically living w/ her. or she's living w/ rather. don't know. but she wants company someone she trusts and someone she's comfortable w/. to be . physically w/ her. someone who already knows.

'she wouldn't be happy there'. yes and she's not happy here either! she's not content. last weekend was the relapse and the weekend before that doesn't exactly remember. girl just can't catch a break and it's her own damn fault too and she knows that. but being that really really foreign to her. AA exists for a reason and people...even though they made the choice to drink [or actually sometimes to not drink] there are people out there who will help. she doesn't need AA for that.

she used to be content she used to be - and she lurches forward as the nauseau grips her. she breathes in out and focuses on her surroundings for a minute the white closet door. - somebody. everyone knows how open she is about her sexuality but is she *really* that ok w/ it? she thinks about this. well. are you? ...the pause and then the dots. i...no no she isn't not that much. after the rapes it was taken from her just like her short term memory and her ability to not drink. cause she never drank before it happened. she was also 17 when it happened. but a lot of people that age drink.

the 2nd time in 2 months. it's been 3, 4 months since she last had a drink at the house. it's not the drinking that's the problem. [well it is a problem because that's how she got here]. it's the lack thereof that's the problem. ok so it's both. it . she never should've picked up that first drink and, a part of her knew that then too. she remembers drinking in college but not to excess. the first time she drank to excess god when was that? of course. the drinking doesn't help her short term memory. she was actually ok before she was 17. that was the Before. it's hard to believe ... but yeah.

she looks at the clock. it's 5:20. [well actually since her computer's an hr. behind it says it's 4:20. 420]. she's meant to be eating dinner right now or she should be . she'll be...fine. she just needs something something physical so she won't go through this alone. she was going to buy listerine the other day but then didn't. she's not she's not proud of that. a cigerette weed pot although they're the same thing. a drink god a fukin drink. physical addictions suck as does withdrawl. and she wonders. if she's just being dramatic like she's prone to do or this is a real problem.

she's an addict of course it's a real problem. but she can't fully get that.

if she were living or not even she were by herself she'd do what needs to be done. the nauseau would go away by having milk and...and if the sickness came out of her she'd do something about it and no one would say anything cause no one would be there. although that's lonely as hell that's the worst being sick. she feels sick. yeah cause she is. she feels slightly hungover. she's more emotional than usual oh she's about to cry again. yesterday she was irritable and not nice. she's tired. today in the bathroom she pitched forward. nobody saw of course the door was locked and closed. she caught herself. she's blacked out a couple times but that started, even before this. on Friday in the home depot bathroom she passed out or what she calls passing out. it's now Sunday. the tremors have started she forgot what the other thing was. the shivers.

this is her reality. this is her life right now this is what's currently happening.

but it's not just the withdrawl. no it never is. it's the. it's also the. well to be completely honest and deep her kidneys haven't liked her lately. her heart's not great the angina or w/e it is has come back. her liver's ok. no her liver's actually ok. her ribs have bruises and she's notice-ably thinner that's seen in her hands which have always been long and thin. she has laryngitis although she constantly has laryngitis. for her, losing 2 - 5 lbs. is a lot since she's already small. and her legs go numb and not neuropathy numb. no other numb. and that scares her cause she's afrad they might lock up and she won't be able to move for 5 mins. something that hasn't happened in 2 yrs. which, is a long tme. she doesn't have the heart to tell him or maye she does but she doesn't want to actually *tell* him she'd rather he read it. or. no...no she doesn't. she bruised her pelvic bone a few months ago so really. she's just a really thin fragile peach w/ organ problems. but people like peaches. she does.

she hopes he calls tonight. oh and also she's dizzy. or later or. something.

she hopes he calls tonight. or later. or something.

it's fun being a peach. and she can't wait for the anxiety to start. the, extra, anxiety.

cause she's already an anxious person.

"baby," he said into the phone.

she smiled remembering this. and loving. that. word. she wished someone would call her that more often, him or anyone. someone had her ex. she loves it so much but she's embarassed to tell him to. maybe she was weird. or maybe not maybe everyone's like that.

or if he called her 'honey' but that was more her thing than his.

"hi," she said so glad to hear from him and so glad to hear him.

'sweetie,' she silently added.

it was hrs. later and she was in her pajamas.

"do you want me to...? ...i'm coming over," he said going from a question to a statement.

"you i you can't," she began then realising they were out for the night: "i'll let you in."

"i have the address."

"what hurts?" he asked.

"withdrawl."

and that was all she needed to say.

"alrite i'll be there soon. just hold on ok?" he sounded in a rush.

and he was bc he knew what withdrawl did to her. he also knew what drinking did to her.

"i. ok," she said.

she was relieved that someone else would be there during that time. and also excited at the prospect of seeing him again. it had been awhile.

he hung up. she waited for him to. she always did always waited for him to hang up before she did. she'd never told him that didn't want that to change. she never did that w/ anyone else never. waited for them to hang up before she did. she looked around her room deciding it was presentable enough. not that she had to try to impress him anymore he already liked her. but she. he was the one person she'd do that for.

it was quiet.

she wouldn't have to spend this night alone.

and now. so now.

now. she waited.

it was 7:20 and she was back. she'd gone out earlier that helped. oh she'd had food. well she'd had fries. and 2 cookies later which didn't help her blood sugar. the caffeine in the choc from the cookies helped her headache but other than that was it. cookies have not been her friend lately and yet she keeps eating them. she keeps eating them every time she's at the store. not, in general. a minute or so after she eats them she gets dizzy. or, dizzi-er.

at 2:30 today when she was waiting to get ready to do stuff she was shivering in her bed. and it wasn't due to lack of heat no cause she wasn't cold. although being cold doesn't help that. no it was the withdrawl. she remembers thinking to herself 'i'm not like those people on dr. phil. i'm not'. she'd once seen an episode about drug addicts where they went through withdrawl. she remembers a pale guy with dark hair in his bed shivering. from lack of drugs. in a way even though she's not done any drugs she has because alcohol's a liquid drug. no but again it's lack thereof causing this problem.

after awhile the shivers started to get really fukin annoying. and then they came more frequently. it's a good thing she was on her bed on something soft. when she was getting ready for the day it's like 'ok. let's try to get through the day and not act like we're a drug addict'. because they can't know. in the parlor/sitting room/dining room area she identified the problem the symptom as chills. god it was like being sick. which she was. they went away after awhile and maybe because she was around people.

he'd come by last night. when he was getting her things, from downstairs she read. which he was ok w/ her ignoring him and reading. that was what she wanted though. she doesn't think her ex would've been. cause she remembers...she must've...it's been 4 yrs. ago now. but something must've happened between her and her ex to where. she felt like she couldn't ignore a guy for fear of...what being hurt? yeah but 't remember a specific incident that led to that.

the nauseau wasn't as bad or wasn't as frequent rather. she was or had been. shivering and so she was uncomfortable and so she was annoyed. of course.

around 8:30 tonight god it had been a long day she was in her bed. lying and shivering again. laying? and it occured to her that if she hadn't been on something soft she might've hit her head. the worst that could've happened was her teeth would knock against each other. they didn't. she was comfortable as comfortable as she could've been than aside from the shivering. she was like 'keep being comfy' which sounds weird. but that's another thing that helps when sick. when she's not laying in her bed she's not shivering as much like when she's reading. or sprawled actually she doesn't sprawl a lot she keeps her legs close to her. but when she's not laying. she also knows she needs rest [she's sick of course she needs rest] and her idea of that is laying doing nothing. maybe the shivers she's not doing anything during that time. but it feels so good to give in it really...really...does. it's day 4.

they say that insomnia is a symptom of withdrawl or so she's . and last night [er 'last night'. technically this morning since she doesn't go to sleep till 2 in the morning or sometime thereafter] she had insomnia. she kept tossing and turning more than usual. she wasn't fully there so she's not entirely sure what caused that though she can guess. it was one of the most restless nights er mornings she'd had in awhile. she finally got some sleep well she had slept she just kept waking turning. and waking up. and tossing...and turning. and waking up...and well. and yet she's not insanely tired.

they won't do anything for her that she won't isn't able to do herself. some, a lot of people would call that 'self care' but she doesn't like that phrase it's too nice. she won't do it where when others can see. she's embarassed for some reason to.

_she's so fragile. physically that is. well all she eats is pb so. last night when she was reading she did something to her back by apparently, doing nothing. she was there bent over her book and when she moved she felt it. that's funny to her she did something by apparently, doing nothing. maybe she should be out more [be out *more* she's out every day but sunday how much more *out* could she get?] considering what happened. well she doesn't think sitting and doing nothing is helping her physically so. she keeps pulling this or tweaking that or doing something to this. god she really is a peach. or w/e a fragile thing is a bird maybe. some time ago it was recently she had trouble sleeping she was so thin and uncomfortable. and it's like oh. so that's why. which yes she knew. insomnia's a survival tactic. ok well it's not really insomnia for her since she's nocturnal anyway. she's had insomnia but she doesn't have it like all the time. no one can say she's not getting enough protein not accurately anyway.

she's a leo. she's supposed to have back problems so of course that would happen.

except her ankle. her ankle's the reason she shouldn't go out. she did somethin to it [yes again] Fri. she was sore on Saturday and today which is now Mon. at wal mart she got hit w/ that biting pain. she had to stop what she was doing for a minute. later at mccabe's in the bathroom she did what needed to be done. and it helped quite a bit.

when she was living by herself she had that freedom. that freedom to do what needs to be done when things like this happen. but now she doesn't. and so things keep getting worse or recurring or happening again. nobody can know she's hurt cause she doesn't want that kind of attention. and yet...she wants someone to take care of her well not just anyone. she loves it but she hates when most people do it. for her. not that she needs it. but she wants take care of her. in her mind she pictures it. in the place she used to live. she hasn't found another one yet that's just hers.

thak god withdrawl's almost over. it's day 5 the last hr. of it. she's relieved. the shivers have stopped and the headaches don't come on as frequently oh and the chills she experienced well that was for a short time. she was wrong she was incorrect it's been 2 months not 3 - 4. 3, 4. since she last drank at the house. the nauseau's still there. now she shivers bc she's cold. it was cold today and it didn't get warmer. she'd considered going back to the house to get something else but she didn't have a key and no one else was there. and she was cold. of course she was she's always cold she's small. it's almost too cold to eat. not that she eats like actual meals all that much. she used to she misses those days. she also misses the days where everything would be loud bc she was drunk. well nights rather.

they were back they'd been back for a couple days she hadn't seen the guy in awhile though she'd heard him talking.

earlier at wal mart she had to sit down she was in so much pain. and she can handle a lot of pain she used to cut. in the bathroom a bit ago there were bruises they were brown. and she wonders if each time she hurt it there had been. course the bathroom lighting's better then in her bedroom. she'd wrapped it w/ a scarf she'd used as a belt belts dig into her hip bones. and cut into them just like her merrils dig into her ankles. she really should've worn her snow boots earlier. and so for now she should be ok. but soon she'll unwrap it. so they won't know. she doesn't have a lock on her door and bc of that they can just come in any time they want to when she's completely unprepared. she's meant to talk to the lady about changing one of the lightbulbs in her room. the last time she was in this much pain from this she was w/ her ex. she doesn't rememer doing anything which, is proably how this happened but after a certain time a person just can't, anymore. handle the pain.

earlier. on the way to...when she was going to wal mart actually. she was waiting for the cars and a guy w/ a black umbrella said to her 'how's it goin?' on his way wherever it was he was going. her reply was 'hi' but maybe he thought she meant 'fine'. she didn't know him by name but she knew him he was familiar. and she was trying to think 'he's he's...' damnit what was his name? he reminded her of her rapist somehow. yes that rapist. well 'that rapist' is the only she officially refers to as her rapist. the one from when she was 17. she tried to reason w/ herself and she's like 'no that's not him. first off why would he ask you that? and secondly...'. she didn't know what the 'secondly' was. the guy she saw w/ the black umbrella earlier today. her rapist was about a foot taller than that guy. and last time she saw him he had red hair and glasses so...no it wasn't him. [actually her rapist facially looks exactly like Mark from 'rent'.]. but something about umbrella guy reminded her . she'd know her rapist anywhere. he smells like smoke and your saliva when you're turned on. er well when a person is rather. she's never told anyone that she doesn't think. well mark from the movie 'rent'.

so the big news of the day was the ankle thing. the biting pain at wal mart and then the her sitting and then in at mccabe's and then. wrapping it hrs. later. it's funny: although at this moment 12:50 p.m. being 50 past midnight she doesn't want a drink that much. she sure could use one cause of the pain. no of course she didn't go to her bar on Monday w/ her mentor. and in the midst of withdrawl too. no didn't happen. which is the point. no if she's in pain she won't take pills she'll fukin drink. or she'll want to anyway. and no one will know. well that's a reason she'll want to drink. same w/ having soda it's the caffeine. or um chocolate. caffeine in that too.

when she was at an eatery [bc for the life of her she can't spell 'restaraunt' correctly] by mccabe's she listened to the end of 'need you now'. another shot of whiskey can't stop lookin at the door ... maybe that's set in someone's house actually. er apartment. or a bar. do people do, shots in their house by themselves like is that a thing? cause it doesn't seem like a thing. she's never done 21 for 21 and she didn't start drinking heavily untill she was 24. and stopped though she hasn't quit drinking. she's just living w/ people now. maybe it's a good thing she never did 21 for 21 back when she was.24 considering she'd get drunk really easily. but now. she doesn't. or 24 for 24. she's not past the drinking. well and it's not really quittin when the person keeps doing it. no no it's not. and she sang along a bit to 'need you now'. she stops singing when she encounters random people. she's so unbearably shy. it's cute.

what she really vitamins.

she was was .pissed and angry yeah at 10:40 p.m. and the thing was she didn't even know why or er actually maybe she did yeah she probably did but she didn't want to sit there and analyse it. and she's hungry well she's been hungry. she gets hungry when she's angry and hey something to propel her into eating! that and it being cold. trying to make light of this whole situation.

so her day was going ok untill later er earlier tonight. she also wants to cry btw and she is this./close. [she does really want to cry.]. well it's a lot better than some of the other things she could be doing. she keeps telling herself 'it's ok to be pissed off but please be quiet about it.'. and that's the thing she doesn't want to be. oh now she wants to leave oh that's convenient. when she's not supposed to. well she can leave her rm and go into the rest of the house that would be ok. she's just. so when she was at the store earlier she called the lady.

and the lady called her...and kept calling...and kept calling so finally she put her phone on silent cause that was getting really damn annoying. yes. she knows the lady's called. she got the message. like please for the love of god stop and calm down what could possibly be that important for someone to call that much in that short period of time? that's why usually she doesn't call people like that er phone them. she honestly thought it was something at the house that something had happened at the house. she didn't know it was about her. well she found out what was 'that important'. it was cause the lady coudn't get ahold of her. yes cause she kept pushing her away by calling. like really what is that hard to understand about that? she was at the damn store really she was fine. and right now since she's living w/ people she's not going to be stupid enough to go off w/ a random person even if they seem like a nice normal customer from the store. like she's not stupid. but god people sure do like to worry. usually she won't do that to someone. if she's that worried she'll blatantly tell someone or tell a mutual friend. good god. no need to patronise people by worrying about them and treating them like a child. she doesn't believe in doing that. ['believe in' as though it's santa claus.]. yeah guess what? pushing people away by annoying them and keeping on doing 't work. but they, obviously, have different opinions on that. god people should just calm down and smoke a bowl. and then they wouldn't worry cause they'd be too stoned too. [no she really wishes they would. she probably shouldn't talk though cause she should be smoking a bowl right now as well]. or a drink god she needs a drink and not cause of withdrawl. cause of this whole...thing.

the difference between her and the rest of the she doesn't worry. she doesn't patronise. when. it's been almost 3 yrs. ago now. the first lady she lived w/ was like that. once after she'd had surgery she drove her and the main character back. and didn't have anyone else do it. although she probably should've. and what's weird...is she liked that about the wasn't foreign to her she could relate to that. like 'oh ok cool. you're not going to put that much stock into worrying about me. great i like this plan'. but then everybody else had to go and decide for her that she shouldn't be living there bc of that. they called it neglect. yeah it probably was but she expects that. times like now...in a weird way she wishes she were back there. bc the lady didn't worry all that much about her. people had to take her out of somewhere that was comfortable to her. well sure a heroin addict might be comfortable doing drugs shooting up but that doesn't mean it's them or in general. well sometimes she'd rather have what's comfortable then what's good. like right now for instance.

so that was the big news of the day. oh the absurdity of life. it's so godamn ridiclous that sometimes...just have to laugh. like life should not be this complicated.

yeah so it's not entirely about her. the lady wouldn't be doing her job if she didn't...call the police or someone else. no see it's about the lady she's living w/ not her. no one has to say it. and clearly she doesn't care if she's happy. if she had called the police then the MC really would have left. so then that really wouldn't have done anything for anyone. like ok how would that have helped? exactly. it wouldn't've. so there's really no point.

at least there's one person out there who cares if she's happy. and that's him and she loves him for that but it's also sad. like oh...ohhh...

and in her only call the police when someone's in trouble not when someone's 'worried'. no that doesn't happen. and she's thought of telling the lady that so that kindof er 'forces' the lady not to call them. but hey you want to make the situation worse ok. be the fukin guest. and yeah that's her way of saying 'no we're going to do this my way. not yours. mine.' and then the lady would be 'well then what am i supposed to do?'. um nothing. she's just supposed to sit there and wait 5 godamn mins. untill she calls again. that's what she's supposed to do. or, you know. fuking off is always an option. [this is funny to her for some reason]. god she didn't run away [er 'elsewhere' since 'away's' not a thing.]. she was at the store holy crap.

so at starbucks earlier. well. at the one in the store she asked how much something was w/ tax. [since they don't include tax in the price and they really should since she doesn't like guessing.]. and she went to the other starbucks to see if they had the item there. well they didn't so back to the first one were closing up oh for the love of god. how hard is it to get a godamn cinnamon roll? which, she didn't end up getting. well for her today v. again the absurdity of life. all that for a cinnamon loaf. and then when she was ordering a choc loaf the lady heard 'choc milk'. like they don't even sound alike! finally the MC's 'no the bread' cause she hates repeating herself. like do people just have bad hearing or is it her? and this is why everyone should write everything. so that doesn't happen.

here's hoping for a better day tomorrow.

and it's not manipulation by the way. not what she thnks of as 'official manipulation'. bc she doesn't get a high from it. yeah in the store the lady was like 'i wouldn't do that to you'. ok no it's that she the MC won't call people that godamn quickly. but getting back to the point. no of course she wouldn't! cause she's never been raped and she's probably never been abused either! and she doesn't have depression. and if she has been the MC doesn't want to believe she has. bc the lady certainly doesn't act like it. so it's so easy for her to care. well good for fukin her. how nice to live in that little plastic bubble where nothing's ever happened to her. to live in that bubble where it gets so big that it's so intense and a bit smothering. yeah that's great. so fukin great.

and no she's not going to change it to where she's going to answer her phone every 2 mins. she's not told a lot of people this but she doesn't care that much about others. she's not like ice cold either but she doesn't put in the effort. yes what was already explained.

the more she keeps thinking about it the more it doesn't help. so maybe...oh wow. she hopes he calls tonight. or something. that is one long cigerette break he's taking. good god. what is taking so damn long?

so her ankle. well it's not ...better it's not better but she wrapped it so she was able to walk on it today. and wore her snow boots. snow boots to the rescue! and scarves well a scarf. a few more bruises have appeared one's red and she thought she saw a purple one earlier. a few brown ones.

so. wow.

it was 1 in the morning well actually 1:20 and since she saw him she's thought about umbrella guy. and her version of how things would've gone if she'd asked him for advil. he probably had some in that backpack of his. or maybe not. she does that sometimes thinks about random people she's seen. and her version of if they'd talked. which, doesn't work for her the advil. and that's not really why she wants it. it's been yrs. since she asked a random person for some and back when she was she suspected they thought...they knew the *real* reason she wanted it. bc they always told her no. that's like a homeless person asking for money. she'll give it if she has any. and if she doesn't she'll at least take the time out of her day to talk to them. bc she has a thing about not ignoring them. they use it for alcohol ok they use it for something else ok but that' her business and she...she won't stop them. which maybe she's a terrible person for not saying no. or maybe she's just not that great. part of it is sympathy and part of it is the connection. hey she's an alcoholic [although not 's weird that it's called that as though they have to er 'practise' their alcoholism untill they get it perfect as though it's guitar or piano] and so are a lot of them. and that way. she knows somewhere out there a homeless person is getting drunk. companionship even though she's not around said random homeless person who's getting drunk. and no one has to talk about it or say anything. bc she never quite believed people when they said they didn't have any. advil that is. she never quite believes people.

but. someone who's caring and who's a guy. she prefers guys to ladies cause they don't worry so also. don't usually treat her like she's 2. or maybe he wouldn't have been that caring but in her version he is. she could run away she could get away from [well ok again it wouldn't actually be running 'away' since 's not a thing.]. and she wouldn't be the only one responsible for her. well er she's not now but that's not her choice. and then it would be if they'd talked. someone who would take care of who she'd want to. evidently she attracts homeless people or people of limited means well guys anyway. not like that's.a problem or anything and obviously that's not why she's friends w/ people.

hm...

it was, 2:40 and she still hadn't gone to sleep. after last night. well maybe that's why she hadn't and also she's nocturnal anyway so. on her left side she pulled the blanket closer thinking once again she needs a new blanket but they would...say something and...they can't cause . anxiety drives her insane. it's a control thing not doing things cause of that and we're back to last night.

next to her her phone buzzed. she looked at the screen it was him. not umbrella guy the other him.

she opened up her phone. or rather she opened it.

"hi," she said.

"baby," he said, somehow surprised: "...girl..."

she smiled liking this greeting. she used to like 'baby doll' untill her ex ruined it for her. that, and tastes change. she still likes being called sweethart.

"well who else would it be?" she asked.

"no you're right. so how are you?" he asked a little too excited.

and after the night she'd had she didn't need that.

"whoa."

"right sorry."

"how am i or how have i been? cause right now i'm...ok."

"uh oh what happened?"

" whole thing last night that didn't need to be a thing."

"people worrying about you too much?"

"yeah and all bc i wouldn't answer my phone. omygod i was at the damn store. like for the love of god."

"i thought you liked it when people worried about you."

"no sweetie i only like it when you worry about me. and when you care. and such."

"oh. right."

"so i just.i need a break."

"oh. want me to come over?"

"do i want you to yes. are you...well that's not such a good idea. also they're here so."

"oh. right. only when they're not."

"right."

"how are you otherwise?"

"i'm idinno i'm sore. i really want to not talk right now but cuddling over the phone 's not a thing."

"no you're right it's not," he said sounding like her.

she wanted physicality and someone to take care of her and not talking and him. she wanted him. and cuddling.

last doesn't seem real. actually to be completely honest she still kindof wants to run away er to leave. not cause she's feeling particularly angry at the moment but cause she needs a break.

well...if breaks are fish and someone catches one...please someone whoever that person is give it to her. a fish break break fish.

it was 4:20. [hey 420!]. and she hadn't slept er gone to sleep. she's not worth anything. and she doesn't want anyone to convince her otherwise. if the lady hadn't answered last night. well maybe she would've gone downtown. that's her go to place except well they would know so. no she wouldn't've like. become a prostitute or anythng. no she might've slept in an alley...in that nice coat of she actually cares about that that's how much she's not worth. she had, last night, considered trading cab fare for sexual favors but she...doesn't do that never has. not that the lady wouldn't've come [and no pun intended.]. and maybe that's the problem is she would have and she did. but bc...well other, reasons. or maybe. she would've gone to her psych. building. but again they would've known. least she's that comfortable w/ her psych. even if her psych. is on leave. and even though the building would've been closed. but other than that. yeah hung out w/ the lowlifes. cause that's all she is. and it's interesting this brings out her depression. like yeah she's not worth caring about. and she wishes someone would actually agree w/ her on that. oh but no everybody just has to go and love her. well maybe. that's the other problem. she doesn't have any money and she doesn't she's too proud to beg. she thinks that's a song. a cute thing like her. she could walk into a bar order water and someone might actually buy her a drink.

lady hadn't answered her phone. she's not asking people to believe she's not worth anything. no she's asking them to believe that she believes it. like she's not religious but she believes other people believe in god. just not her. if she tells the lady. 'well don't call untill it's been 5 mins...and then 10...' that's, not up for discussion. cause really she doesn't care. she's not here. to help the lady do her job she decided that recently. no she's she moves out. last night in the car she told the lady she was trying to be careful...about what she was saying, or something. well no she just wouldn't let her that, at that time, she pushed. but if it's brought up at a meeting she'll go 'oh that's something i'll talk about w/ my psychologist. when i see her'. which well she that's also her way of getting people to back off. and they're kindof ok w/ that amazingly enough. it doesn't make sense that even though the lady knows pushing her doesn't work she kept doing it by calling every 2 mins. and she knows that when she's going to home depot she leaves a note stating that. so what the fuk kindof sense does that make for the lady to look for her there didn't go there in the first place? she was either on her way to the store, at starbucks or at the store. and exactly. it doesn't. so wait a minute something's not right 't add up. wait...that can't be right.

if the lady hadn't answered her phone. yeah if only, she hadn't.

yes the MC had called the lady. she always does when she's be picked up. and then she called...5 mins. ater 10 mins. after that. but it's not her fault the lady went to the home depot where, the MC wasn't. she was at the store. if she was going to the home depot area she would've left a note stating that. unless - and the MC isn't accusing the lady of anything. this is just the only explanation she can come up w/ - the lady didn't read the note. no but that doesn't make sense then. cause if she hadn't she wouldn't've mentioned it. yeah on wed. the lady's '...the store but you weren't specific enough'. well the MC's not going to help the lady understand that. every other time she's gone to the store this has never been an issue. the lady even asked her 'why didn't you answer your phone?' 'i don't know'. no she knows , also is not up for discussion.

she's thought of moving the MC. but even if she did after some time the same thing would happen so there'd be no point. yes but...if she keeps moving like every month then there won't be time to have something like that happen. then there wouldn't be time for people to, as she calls it, 'obsessively worry' about her and become obsessively attached to that. she doesn't worry. no bc a people aren't 2 and well 2. even if they are heroin users she's not their drug counselor thank god she's not. what the lady should do and maybe this sounds a class on how not to worry. the MC doesn't need a class for evidently some people do.

and of course to her it's obsessively worrying! bc she doesn't. of course it's not that serious! bc to her it's not. you want serious? well she's had a fukin eating disorder since she was she's 29 now. she doesn't have to go anywhere for thngs to happen to her cause they already have and they already are. but she's not going to tell them well that would only make things worse for her. god if things are like this now...

if she was doing she's not. then that's a good enough reason to worry about someone. but she was just at the store and it had gotten dark. but that's it. she'd never left the area.

way to blow something out of proportion. good job awesome.

earlier today she'd. well she'd gone to the mall. she'd gone to tokyo joe's and gotten a cup for water. well she wanted one of the big cups but the stupid lady [actually she was probably an intelligent lady and the MC doesn't mean it in that sense] wouldn't give her a big cup. so instead she gave her a coffee cup. the MC wasn't about to stand there and argue w/ the woman. and like that's not even a real problem! or anything. it's just. she thinks it's weird when people drink beverages that aren't hot beverages out of hot beverage cups.

so then. she went to her park. for a bit. w/ that weird hot beverage but not lemon water. so. it - outside - had gotten cold er rather she'd gotten so she went inside well actually she went to the mall. which is inside although there are outdoor a really stupid idea in places where it gets, you know, cold but ok. so yes. at the mall she went to starbucks and got hot choc. and cinn. bread. she'd wanted that bread since wed. when she didn't get it and she'd had her heart set on it too. good stuff. so while she was sitting there eating and uh beverage-ing she 'd meant to get peppermint hot choc. the hot choc. she'd gotten was fine there just wasn't much flavor to it. she knew something was missing but untill then she wasn't quite sure what. and she wasn't about to go 'all the way' back after she'd only just sat down and go and inconvenience herself. godamnit. oh she also realised she'd forgotten to ask for her receipt 's not 'forgetting' when the person remembers. where's her head at lately? so after she was done she went back and got the receipt.

oh her and her adventures. of weird hot beverage cups and lemon water and hot choc. that wasn't peppermint and not getting receipts. wow.

so then she was at the store w/ her mom - who btw is the funniest person she knows - the damn checkout computer thing got too it took them 5 - 10 mins. to purchase their groceries. oh for cryin out loud. again the absurdities of life.

well...so she liked her bus driver. she's like a doll all short and round. and she seems sweet and she's cool. she helped the MC to the van from the bus which, was weird since the MC doesn't like being touched but not bad. like uh ok so this is different.

on the way back to the house the lady asked her 'do you want to do rm. checks tomorrow?'. well the MC never like *wants* to. well they're not happening cause a things haven't died down enough since wed. and 2 the MC's not purpose yes entirely on fukin purpose. so...yeah no. but w/ most people she's not going to blatantly tell them 'no it's not happening'. no she won't tell them she'll *show* them w/ her actions. so the lady's 'ok well let me know a time'. and the MC's already picked one 9:10 cause she doesn't like doing things right at the start of the hr. that also, isn't up for discussion. but 9:10 is going to happen and she'll be 'asleep'.

so 1 a.m. this morning. [at 1 a.m. this morning. well *obviously* a.m. is morning but you know]. she thought her mom's dog had gotten like he was acting like it. and she went and woke up her dad which is what she's supposed to do. and she told him 'i think he might be getting sick'. well her mom's dog wasn't. her dad went back upstairs.

the bus driver although she doesn't know her 's christened her 'sonja'.

she was thinking about that him.

so. when she back for her receipt yesterday as it's now sat. the lady behind her waited. and she told the lady 'oh i'm not ordering but thank you'. and then on her way to whole foods [again] she and the lady crossed the st. and it was then that the MC knew who the lady reminded her of. carrie fisher who, really, wasn't a particularly attractive woman but she was strong. it's like yeah that's it!

so before yesterday she was getting the batteries out of her toothbrush to put new ones in. well those things will just pop right out of there cause of the pressure. so after she'd put the new ones in the wrong way. [cause she does she doesn't look cause she's a noncomformist] she went and got a bowl to put...batteries in when she was done w/ they wouldn't just be doesn't like it when things are loose. she talked to her mom's dog about the batteries popping out thing.

oh yesterday. at well between 5 - 6 her mom goes 'it's snowing!' to which she replies 'outside?' surprised for some reason even though she knew it was going to. and her mom's 'no just in your room'. what the fuk kindof question was that, 'outside'. wow... it's like 'xmas lights: for indoor/outdoor use only'. um. well one would hope since there isn't another option. or is there?...

oh right so thurs. well she watched 'mom' w/ her they do. it's about a bunch of ladies that are in AA. [well ok not 'a bunch of'. a few.]. they're friends. and a daughter and her mom. well in it the daughter revealed she'd been...well raped. the MC's mom and her didn't talk about the ep. but god what a hard ep. to watch. it was an important one. that's what makes a good show a mixture of drama and comedy 'mash' was like that too. the mixture that is other thing.

oh right. so recently like in the last 2, 3 wks. when the MC was brushing her teeth in a particular spot she . and now she'll avoid brushing that spot for a long time bc of that. and recently she was trying to figure out why...she doesn't remember him [the 3rd guy that 'him'.] paying more attention to that spot then the others when he was...yeah. but she knows something happened in the cab. oh wow.

so before yesterday outside her mom's on the front there were what appeared to be car parts. they were in her way. she told her mom they were there and her mom told her they were bumpers for her dad and to tell her dad they were there. well so she went and held the front door open for them as they lifted the bumpers and took them inside. apparently they weighed 80 - 100 lbs. each and that is heavy. she can lift that much but that's the most she can lift. they took them through the living rm to out back where she already was holding the door open for them. on their doors the outer ones they have these fastener things that a person can move and twist so that the doors stay open.

. the day before yesterday her sister came by. for a visit apparently as they weren't having dinner together. she'd made focaccia which the MC liked as it had salt in it and she likes salt. and no she doesn't crave it. she just likes it.

it was 1:10 a.m. and she was thinking about yesterday which now is/was sat. as today's sun. her day wasn't great yesterday. she um she went to the home depot area. yes in the damn snow. it wasn't like blinding blowing hurt-y snow well it was but not a terrible amount er great amount. there wasn't a great amount falling in the time she went out is what she was saying. most of it had already fallen and it was really pretty. got in a few good photos though. oh on her way she stopped in and under this tree branch arc thing it was like a tunnel. she likes tunnels she feels safe in them and it was somehow warmer in there then outside . well it was less cold.

so when she was er before she stopped in on the border [or otb as she calls it] she...well she saw a bird actually she saw a few. little birds. robins orange and black. she likes birds loves them. she talks to them. she's like 'hi birdy. you stay warm and keep moving ok?' the robin was cute. there's this art piece entitled 'the mad bluebird' and it's adorable. and like it shouldn't be cause the bluebird's all put it is. she's never told anyone that. the mad bluebird. [so apparently when small round things are put out they're adorable]. so she stopped in otb for a few mins to get warm. she likes it there.

and then. onto um ...wal mart. it took her quite some time to get there cause of all the damn snow no one had bothered to shovel. at some points it was 1, 2 ft. deep/high. like really? people can't be considerate and shovel it so ladies like her don't get colder? wow. so she was cold and irritable. onto wal mart where nothing remarkable happened other didn't have to wait for the self checkout er she didn't have to wait in line that is. she got tea then on back to the home depot area. it was between 6:40 - 7 when she got there.

she went to safeway which was like dead. she was in a bit of a hurry and this asian lady in front of her didn't know which card to use. it's like come *on* lady. well she got to home depot about 7:10 oh at safeway she'd gotten she had more time then she thought she did which is always nice. when she was ready she called the lady as always the lady answered w/ 'hello?'. does the lady not look at her phone when someone calls? she must not. and she told the lady she was ready. [well why the fuk else would she call? it's either that or to tell the lady she was at the school].

so that was most of yesterday.

it's weird that people 're making conversation as though it's something they're manufacturing. she was thinking about this while she was out yesterday. 'what are you making?' 'oh you know. just conversation' 'i see. well you're doing some good work there keep going'. making conversation... and that led her to think never says 'congratulations' or 'good job' when like she to her people are either being sarcastic when they do that or they're annoyed or someone's done something stupid. she'll go 'righton' or 'oh good news'.

people make bread [ok well they bake that's a form of making it so] and they make furniture so. or people will talk about making their bed as though it, as well, is something they've manufactured. which is funny cause sometimes people actually do. i.e. 'that's a nice bed you've made there' 'thanks i made it myself'.

so as mentioned was thinking about that him. one day it's been [again] almost 4 yrs. ago now. she doesn't remember the conversation but somehow. [well only not 'somehow' as he was.]. but he to go outside to smoke and he wore her ,is a ladies' coat ...actually. but she wasn't going out anywhere in the next few mins. that was fine w/ her and it is warm.

and that' reason she's so attached to that cause of that day and cause it reminds her of 's never told anyone that and not him. she sleeps under that coat. also it's a winter coat anyway so. she's had it for at least 4 yrs. maybe 5. she got it not long after her ex and her met.

how in the hell she survives living there. when it's that damn cold and there's that much snow that no one has bothered to shovel. well...she's ok not thinking about that. no analysing [for once] and that's ok.

she was also thinking about him and sign flying. one day he said something to her about...that he was going to fly a sign for her cause she wouldn't eat?, or something. which, now that she's thought about had food. so maybe to get her different food? but the food isn't the point the devotion is.

she was thinking about mentioned and breakfast food. that day the 4th the day after 'that night'. he made her breakfast food [well ok he made her bacon] which evidently he must've bought at some point [well obviously] cause she wouldn't've had it. she remembers one day he came back w/ groceries was that the day he bought it or...? she doesn't right now remember telling him she loved breakfast food. or bacon. or maybe he thought w/o it ever being a topic of conversation...nutritionally she'd need it. not that it was an issue and it still isn't but why bacon, of all things? unless she'd told him at some point...

day before yesterday [which now 'yesterday' is/was it would be 'was'.]. um. her mom had her dad come down and tie the big tree branches to the tree so the snow wouldn't break happened out back. he also put a ladder under the branches so the ladder would hold them.

so though they'd 'agreed' to do rm. checks at 'around 9' which means 9 or before. that didn't happen. she said 'around 9' which the lady was ok w/. so that she wouldn't have to negotiate a different time. like if she'd said 9:10 then that probably would've happened. but she'll be ready next wk. last night actually she organised her books so that her closet would be ready. and put some stuff in the sheet [which, she really should get another new sheet considering how much she dislikes that one she dislikes the it's not actually technically *her* sheet. also who has white bed linens anyway that just seems like a terrible idea. but then they would say something and react . so. yeah.]. so that more of her rm.'s next wk.

when it was brought up at a meeting she told them when they asked that she'd been tired. well usually she's not been that tired she just doesn't want them to know the real reason. that she hadn't been ready. [well she hadn't. and yes again entirely on purpose.]. and sometimes the lady did something she didn't like and that was her way something the lady didn't like. 2 can play at that game and only 1 will win. and she likes playing games. so she really isn't that great.

oh also yesterday. well before she went to wal mart she went to get warm. she'd considered getting their lightly sweetened chai but had she she would've spent all the money and she wanted to save some.

oh so lately at the house. the lady had put a plant behind the sofa in the parlor/sitting rm. and she'd changed the curtain that's over the shower screen to a light green one w/ big circles. the MC likes that one better as the rm's lighter. but at least twice the lady's had it closed which the MC doesn't 's rearranged it opened it of she does. she doesn't like shower screens as she's always afraid she'll bump into them. and at the foot of the stairs in the entryway there's a round carpet which anyone could slip and fall on. for someone who's all weirdly obsessed w/ safety...at times, the lady doesn't do that good a job. she's not going to tell the lady that cause that would mean a change and an she doesn't like when people make exceptions for her.

so last other thing that happened last night was she watched a movie well she watched a dvd rather part of it. 'bc i said so'. she likes diane keaton but she's just so crazy in that movie. so ridiclously attentive and keeps getting involved and will not back the hell off. her sister's like that too but not to that extent. she liked the dvd she'd seen it before and doesn't remember much of it. the only thing she that in it one of the daughters is wearing a dress w/ a belt and that's where she got the idea from.

she was wed. she had been ever since it happened just less over time. and when they were at the store the lady told her 'i'm responsible for you', or something. well the way the MC sees it. when she's out the only one responsible for her. so...but surely there has to be something she's missing. if she were under 18 sure yeah she could see that. but she's not she's 29.

so, yesterday. [again] when she went to the travel section of wal mart people were in the way. she doesn't interact w/ people and she doesn't have patience [it's funny cause on the news they were talking about ivanka trump coloring w/ patients at the w/ patience. like, you know. 'she was coloring w/ patience at the hospital'. anyway] but yeah and the MC doesn't have patience didn't wait for the people to leave that aisle.

so according to the movie [well ok the dvd] she'd watched last night. brandy is good for laryngitis. she wonders if that's actually true...she'll have to try that some day. she's had brandy yrs. ago when she was 23. she doesn't think she liked it. and she constantly has .

yesterday [once again] her ankle was bothering her. the snow didn't help it being out in that much snow which again the stupid people hadn't bothered to shovel. awesome good job that's...that's great. [again they're probably intelligent people she doesn't mean it like that].

and her liver didn't like w/e else it is that's that area in that region.

so today and probably yesterday too she had more broken sleep then usual.

yesterday she was of the cold which actually is a good sign.

so last night the guy the lady's husband had picked her 's all.

correction: it's not 'd meant to talk to the lady about the lightbulb changing 's that she's going to. at some point.

so things from today. uh well when she was on her way to the laundry rm. the lady stopped in the laundry rm. she'd told her they had a new washing machine and explained how it works/worked. she told her to put her tide packet in the little drawer thing cause it's liquid. which makes sense but after the MC had done that laundry was done. the tide packet was all flattened in drawer thing. so from then on she's put it in the machine as she knows this is better. also yes it's their machine but it's her laundry so.

so when she was in her rm. she heard a crash outside of it. she opened the door carefully and all that had happened was the lady had knocked over a lamp. nothing was broken. it's so weird to her that when people break something like glass or a plate they throw it away as though it's actual trash which to her it's not. instead of keeping it to use for art or something.

so had to wait for her roommate who was going to come up the stairs but then decided not to. and then later she waited for her to go down the stairs.

she was pissed. she had a short fuse these days and thinks it might be a ptsd thing. [ 'these days' ? doesn't she usually?].

it was 9:40. about an hr. [well an hr. and 10 mins. ago] at 8:30 she'd gone to get her laundry out of the dryer. well they the lady her husband were there somewhat bent over the washing machine. the guy said they were trying to make it so it wouldn't make noise when it was going. they'd just gotten it yesterday. the MC's like 'oh. ok' thinking 'i'll come back later'. which she did 20 mins. later. and when she did...

and when she did...she discovers that someone had turned on the dryer to dry her clothes. and her cut off time and this is her own rule is not doing laundry/drying clothes after 8:30. yes *her* clothes not theirs. and they were 2 shirts her mom had given her. if it had been normal stuff [er not that those are 'abnormal' in any way they're just meaningful] then that would be slightly different. she doesn't like when people do things for her she can do herself and if it had been the lady who did this well... [and the lady has done this before so she wouldn't put it past her. er done things for her she can do herself that is anyway.]. if it had been the lady who'd done it then...since she knows the MC doesn't like when people do things for her...it doesn't make sense she would. and either way she doesn't like it.

so she'd been watching 'fame' a bit ago [well half of it] the the new one not the orig. w/ kelsey grammar she likes him he's a good actor. and it was the part where one of the characters is in the empty auditorium playing piano and singing that song orig. 'fame' which she's never seen. 'that song' being um...'out here on my own'. and she was thinking that. maybe even though her friend misheard her when he asked 'why do you feel out of place?' [and it bothers her when people mishear her cause then she 'has' to repeat herself which she hates doing. anyway] yes and even though he misheard her. he might be on to something.

the song goes something like 'sometimes i wonder where i've been who i am do i fit in'. and yeah maybe she does. she feels like she belongs.w/ the anorexics in the anorexic world. it's not a good world but there she is somebody. she's picturing lady anorexics in a circle in that circus tent dancing. cause circuses [circi? no] are associated w/ freak shows w/ sideshows although she doesn't like calling them 'freak shows'. and anorexics could belong in that world. they're different they're not like everyone else. or she feels belongs at the starbucks by the store [which, last time she went every available seat was taken.]. she's so comfortable there she's comfortable in bars too even though the first time she goes to a new one she's a bit nervous. . he was probably might've been on to something. john merrick was. different and not like everyone else that is.

it was now may. she'd started this just over a wk. ago yesterday er a wk. ago yesterday. sun. a bit ago she'd finished watching 'fame' it had a good ending. and it got her thinking.

she doesn't 'd want to be famous. as that pretty lady who was in all those '80's movies once said. the people who are famous can't get away from that. [macdowell that's 'that pretty lady'.the brunette.]. and as an MC really likes her alone time. going out is fine and everything and she likes going out and being by what she most relishes is night that's when she has more of her alone time. she just wishes there was more of night. and it gets pretty lonely at night. she's more comfortable w/ herself at night too. apparently a lot of performers are introverts.

but doesn't like being around a lot of people and that level of commitment and doesn't think she could handle it. also she's a really private person so.

in one scene in the movie. the students went out to karaoke w/ their teacher. and she would've liked to do that w/ her drama teacher from HS. but the. then...the teacher's probably busy. and it's been said the MC's hard to get ahold of. [which actually she doesn't think she is so long as people know the right way to get ahold of her]. and then there's explaining all that and who she is...and arranging it. so it like a lot of work.

she quit ballet when she was 14. and after that she took dance for a semester in college. and she hasn't since. cause again she doesn't want to be around a lot of people. like if she's at a cafe and everyone's talkng to her then that's can be alone but w/ people. or a bookstore. she also doesn't like interacting w/ people. and if she started that again and didn't go...she'd feel so bad bc someone had spent that much money on her. if she had enough then she actually might. so long as it's a night class so no one she knows drops by. that's actually another reason she doesn't want to work. everyone's just so hell bent on and obsessed w/ asking people about work in this country as though that's the most interesting thing about a person.

right. so she quit ballet when she was 14. that was the Before. she knew she had depression then although she wasn't diagnosed w/ it untill the following yr. when she was 15. but she didn't know what that meant and didn't understand it untill much later. it's like that's what that means.

of course she doesn't want to work or do anything like that! she has depression. and that level of responsibility and when her depression gets really bad...having to handle both those couldn't. she gets overwhelmed easily and she couldn't exceed her limits like that.

or maybe. she's just using that as an excuse even though yes it is a real actual thing and diagnosis...diagnosis thing. she won't take meds and not that they' end all be all cause they're is against anyone taking anything in pill form. she also 's not the only way to handle something. but yeah depression is really comfortable. it's a land she's really comfortable w/ bc she's been living here for at least 10 yrs. and not like anyone's making her take them or anything. but if she were she might be better. but she doesn't know what that feels like for an extended perod of time. [well obviously bc it hasn't happened yet]. she feels like she would lose who she is. and apparently a lot of people w/ depression feel like that. the last time she was actually better, for an extended period of time. was almost 4 yrs. ago. she was taking vitamins she was taking zinc. [and actually while she was taking zinc she felt amazing.]. and what she liked about it was that no one knew she was. and no she didn't OD on any of those that happened sometime later.

so if nobody she had enough money [which eventually at some point she will.]. then she'd take stuff. but as for right now. ...no.

the thing she's commited to the most is depression her depression and it sounds weird to say it like that 'her depression' as though it belongs to her in some way.

so anyway. fame. the movie [well actually the dvd.].

what a bizarre day. yeah it was a bit.

it was monday. er rather well it was may. it was 10 p.m. she's rounding up as she does. so she. well earlier she called the bus people. the lady on the other end who the MC could tell was of the race she didn't like. not cause of the lady personally as she hadn't done anything. but um bc. of past experiences. anyway yes the lady on the other end. she talked fast and it's like your damn .

there are only 2 knows she doesn't like a certain group of people. but that's all she's told them. when she told her one friend that he was pretty understanding about it but 's pretty understanding when it comes to such things.

anyway. well at least the MC didn't have to repeat herself more than once and then hang up cause of how much that bothers her.

oh so the bus lady er the lady on the other end said '11:30 a.m. - 12 p.m.' for the bus time. well to the MC 'p.m.' is 'night' so. instead of saying 'noon'. and that is a long time to wait for the bus that's...12 and a half hrs.

so then...then...she got ready. at 3:50 she was sitting in the dining rm. annoyed by the damn sun. she's a bit light sensitive as she's recently put it. like she's ok being in natural light but not when it's streaming through the windows. it's like god who turned on the freakin sun? she put papers like she was holding them up a bit to block the way too bright. but stopped as she didn't want the lady as in the lady she lived w/ to say anything about it. also since it was evidently windy she saw the leaves trees branches moving through the window and kindof sheer curtains. like will you stop? movement drives her crazy.

alrite so the lady got back from the school. and she told the MC that her mentor had called and had cancelled. so the MC went back upstairs got more ready came down left a note and exited the house. she went actually to the home depot area where she spent 4 hrs. well actually almost 5. the walk there was fine.

at the home depot area she heard birds. and so she's 'ok if you say so' in reply to them.

so when she was sitting on a bench [it's weird that people sit *in* a chair but *on* a bench. well sometimes they also sit on a chair. and yet they don't sit in benches. anyway.]. at the park where the bison statues are. a guy w/ white hair and glasses came up to her on his way to his car he was 2 ft. away from her. nothing happened and he wasn't armed or anything [well far as she knew] and no one said anything but it was just really weird. when there are other places to stop. at first she thought he was a friend of hers and . she was fine after that happened other than freaked out. so that was the bizarre the day well a bizarre part as there's another.

so right after that she went to safeway got um bottled tea. and she went and had it while watching the news. she sat and had it in the store as opposed to outside of it. um. she went and bought more bottled tea a big bottle purchased it at starbucks. the guy's like 'uh i don't have a penny...gave you .15' and she's 'oh that's ok'. like really over a damn penny. if it were $5 then he'd owe her. it's this rule she has. if it's $5 or more then she expects the person to pay her back. cause the $5 thing is official in some way...somehow...

after which. she went to wendy's. she had a bit of a hard time ordering bc the cashier was good looking. he also was younger than she is. they'd changed the look of their menu. she got fries and a soda of course as usual. she went and sat down then moved. it was fine and she'd wanted to sit down for an hr. or so but it was loud. and then when she was in the ladies' rm the music was even louder. and she wants bathrooms to be quiet.

so while at wendy's...a bus from miller HS was driving in the home depot area and she thought that was weird. a bunch of teenage guys and probably their teacher or maybe their coach came in and got food.

so then she went to safeway for a bit er the outside of it. rather she sat on a bench outside safeway. safeway she went inside safeway. cause she wanted a cookie. she ended up having 4. also she was cold. and she was waiting for the sun to go down and it to get fully dark so she could go to the liquor store which she didn't end up doing . the sun sure took awhile to go down.

so on her way to home could've sworn she saw the lady's car clear as day. [which is funny cause it was stll somewhat light out at the point. so 'clear as day' makes sense a bit]. and so she went into the store didn't want to wait outside only for the lady to drive up when the MC hadn't called her. well she called the lady and when she told her she was ready. the lady told her her key was broken the key to as she put it 'my' house. which well is true cause it isn't actually technically the MC's 's the lady' to the MC it sounded weird as though she's a guest there as opposed to living there. and having lived there for a bit over a yr. had the lady said 'the house' then that would've been different. also she has never heard anyone say their key was broken. so that's the other thing that seems unbelieveable. locks sure those break but keys? that like is that a thing? that happens? well it must be. and isn't that why people have 2 keys? or it's certainly a reason why they should. unless their lock's broken and then it doesn't matter how many keys they have. so that was the other bizarre the day. it also just seemed like such a random thing to have happened.

so. she waited 20 mins. for the lady and then went intisde home depot where she stood and waited some more. it was 9 by that point and they close at 10. so after a few mins. the lady's car [well actually technically it's a van] pulled up. on the way back to the house the lady told her something. and it took the MC a minute to figure out what she'd said cause a the MC doesn't pay attention and 2 the lady isn't a loud talker. and the MC doesn't like asking people to repeat themselves cause she hates doing it herself so. well what the lady had told her was that her family was over which 2 wks. ago the lady had forewarned her of. so now more people for 2 wks. oh wow. they're all v. nice people and they seem to like her [although not like it's all that . like someone would have to actually try, not to like her.]. the lady's daughter is nice. what the hell is the daughter's name? the MC knew it once. not that the MC uses people's names but it's better then just referring to her as 'the daughter' or 'the lady's daughter'. well w/e it is she sure is a nice lady.

so that was pretty much her day most of it.

southerners. they talk funny w/ their 'right quick' and saying 'the home depot' instead of just 'home depot' and saying 'powder' so it sounds to the MC like 'potter'. [the lady's from the south is the point.].

so while she was at when she was in line to purchase the tea.a lady in front of her w/ sunglasses on was wondering...it had something to do w/ cigerettes or their pricing or something. she told the cashier 'i'm short' and she on change cash but the MC thought she meant in general like in terms of height. the cigerette wondering change lady was 5'2 maybe 5'3. which, looking back seemed like a really weird and random thing to say if she meant her height, but she hadn't. 'i'm short'. um ok.

oh the MC was at wendy's a little girl emma as she later found out went and sat by the window. well someone she knew called to her and emma went 'what?' rather loudly. and she was maybe 3 ft. from the MC.

wendy's a guy had sat in a booth the MC had vacated right behind she doesn't like that so she moved so her side was against the bench she was sitting the booth she.[was sitting in rather as people don't sit *on* booths that...that doesn't work.].

so. on the way back...well after the lady picked her up they went the lady parked and went into safeway for, something and then they went on to the house.

she'd been thinking about anorexics lately the MC. and 'lately' being earlier today.

right so. the MC had been thinking earlier today about anorexics. and about what happened earlier w/ the whole mentor cancelling thing.

well. so w/ about...the anorexics thing. she'd only personally known 2 her whole life her sister and a girl [although she's a woman now] she'd known in middle school. she's known cutters she's known druggies she's known people who've been...who have ptsd. but not so much anorexics is that a common thing for people to not personally know that many? or does it depend? or maybe both.

so the whole mentoring cancelling thing. it seems to her...that her mentor should've called the MC and only the the lady. after all she's not the lady's mentor. and no the MC won't answer her phone but at least if her mentor calls before 4 the MC knows 'oh ok so she's cancelling'. she was thinking about this on the way to the home depot area.

the other belongs/she belonged/feels she ...w/e. besides the anorexic is. downtown. w/ the lowlifes w/ the tuluse letrecs and the french ladies even isn't france. or amsterdam for that matter. which is funny cause 200 yrs. ago there were, ladies like that downtown ladies of the night. oh her and her old-fashioned-ness.

it's good to have a place people that place isn't good.

so. it was tues. it hadn't been a great day um she went again to the home depot area. when she left the house no one else was there liked she wondered where they'd all gone not was worried or anything as she wasn' she didn't doesn' that is.

so she went to the home depot she went to safeway where she had 2 cookies. on to wal mart. oh before she left for wal mart she saw umbrella guy some distance away. he had of course his umbrella. she was hoping she'd see him. they didn't talk but she followed him a bit [well not in a weird creepy way.]. she just happened to be going the same direction he was going. she thought about the fact that, even though she knew nothing about him. she'd made up this whole history character history for him. well that's what authors writers do. they invent history of their characters. it's been said, they write about what they know. either that or, they write about things they want to happen. or their version of what could happen. she does that a lot. it's, her way of communicating which no one seems to get. even though they only talked once and she said 'hi' there's something about umbrella guy that she finds. ... interesting. he was nice to her and he actually asked her how it was going. when she was following him [but not in a creepy way] she thought 'you don't know this but you're a character in my story'. she flashed him the 'good luck' symbol. which everyone thinks means 'i love you' but they're wrong. it means 'good luck' and it's the rocker symbol. she does that to people she finds intrigueing. she's only told one person that. her friend. him. she saw him umbrella guy last tues. too er as well and she wonders/wondered...if it was a tues. thing. or maybe not. when she was by on the border [or again as she calls it otb] she thought...he seems like a messenger. not a bike messenger obviously as he's not on a bike. no but . there's something about him she's supposed to pay attention to but she doesn't know what. or maybe she's just reading too much into it. for all she knows he's not that kindof person.

she also asking him if he wants to have coffee sometime. i.e. 'i mean not that i have money and i'm not expecting you to buy it for me. but for when i do'. like well she doesn't have money atm but she's just wondering if he wants to go for coffee. is that a weird thing for someone to do ask a random guy for coffee? or is that cool?

so when she was at southlands in that big area across the way from the wal mart shopping southlands by the wine cellar ankle started to hurt and she sat down for a bit. by the loud music. she'd thought about going into the wine cellar place and asking about place that is. it was cold out.

after a bit she made her way to wal mart. she looked at the books of course. and went to the grocery section to figure out how many calories were in pop tarts. 210. in a pop tart. you know you're a recovering anorexic when...you count calories to *gain* weight not lose it. she'd weighed herself last night. 100/101. the scale was back in the bathroom. it's weird, [or maybe not] that scales themselves weigh a certain amount. it's like those hard shell suitcases. her mom pet a dolphin once and she says it's like petting a suitcase. that's...a weird description. anyway. so w/ the hard shell suitcases it limits the amount of weight a person can . or...there's some other better way to articulate that to put it. her current weight. it's not a great amount but it's not horrible either. she only needs to gain 4 - 5 more lbs. to get to where she should be.

so yeah she got tea. then went and sat and sat down again. as she was sitting at one end of wal mart there was another greeter lady by the one already there. and she the MC's thinking 'now there's 2 of them' but the greeter lady she's hispanic her name's Maria or something. she um. was just stopping on her way to the other wal mart. and then another lady a brunette w/ glasses came by. she was pushing a cart [and yes they're called 'carts' not baskets] on her way .

so MC went back to southlands to mccabe's. she went straight to the ladies' rm. and didn't talk to anyone. she lkes that. in the ladies' rm. she put the cold thing on her ankle for a bit. and after she felt better but not for long. so. while she was in there another well lady accidentally turned off the light and the MC's thinking 'hey!'. the lady said 'oh sorry' and the MC's 'thank you' as she won't/doesn't say 'it's it's ok' when something like that happens cause well sometimes it's not. and also thanking someone for acknowledging they did wrong means more to her going 'it's ok'.

so back to the home depot area on on her way there it got cloudy. and windy. when there she heard thunder twice and saw lightning so she's 'ok i should get inside'. they didn't have much rain but something told her to get inside. so at safeway she had 2 more cookies then went on to home depot. she was getting really tired of standing and didn't think she should be outside on a bench in that kindof weather.

so at home depot. well. a...a store clerk salesperson salesguy right that's what they're called asked her if she was finding everything ok. right she forgets they do that. that's why she hadn't gone in there for awhile. well she wasn't looking for anything and even if she was/had been...she won't ask she doesn't believe in asking. she decided he doesn't care he just doesn't want her to take stuff. well she's not going to be stupid enough to take stuff during the day or when she knows people are watching.

so then she left cause she didn't want anyone else to talk to her. well but before she left she called the lady and told her she was ready. she went to the entrance lobby area stood there for a bit then got tired of standing so she went outside where she sat on a wooden bench. the wind and thunder had died down and she hadn't seen any more lightning. what they should do, really, is put a bench inside the um lobby entryway place...area so that people can sit inside and wait. she really doesn't enjoy standing so she to stand inside where it's warm or sit outside where it's cold. it's so stupid.

when she was on her way to going back inside - this was at 8:20 by the way - she saw a small black car. but she could've sworn she saw a pale white asian woman in it looking at something. what's weird is that when she thought she saw the asian no one appeared to be driving the car. the asian was in the passenger seat. well apparently the 'asian' was the lady the lady she lived w/. who isn't asian at all. and she saw the MC and is like 'hey it's me' and the MC's 'oh sorry i didn't recognise the car so'. she couldn't have told the MC when she called that it would be a different car? like really? uh ok then.

she got in the car met the lady's sister Sandra [like sandra actress] and they went back to the the way the lady gave her sister directions to the house.

and that was pretty much it.

so when she was at the home depot first time she...was going there. she was by safeway and these asian kids were w/ their mom and one of them a little boy goes 'it's raining it's pouring it's time for you to be quiet'. yes thank you but please continue to state the obvious. but you know if you want to be that person. [as it had at the time] that's. wow. and she the MC thought 'well you're the one who's being loud'. fukin hypocrite.

oh the other thing that happened. and this happened earlier today and it's partially her fault. at 3 she was going to the restroom. er she was going to. and she just barged on in there. well her roommate was in there but she won't close the door the way a normal person would. like if someone's in there close the damn door. really not that hard. every time the MC's in there she closes and locks the door the outer one anyway. for that exact reason. yeah her roommate's kindof weird.

oh right so on that note the bike one. well when she was on her way to well southlands as she goes there to get to wal mart. she saw a biker coming her way. along the highway. she moved out of the way. and it's funny [or maybe not] cause people just don't bike in aurora. they do in denver though. she was thinking about that the other day.

so it was wed. the 3rd of may 9:30 p.m. she went out. oh but before she did she wrapped her ankle w/ her scarf. when she called the weather people they'd said it was 40 out so. snowboots weather. and ankle support. and that way if she was wearing her er since she was wearing her snowboots no one would be able to tell. so yeah she got ready. um the pb she'd been eating it . like it still tasted like pb but not 'right' did what needed to be done. when she left the house no one else was there which she was hoping for and likes/liked.

so she went. well she went to the park. er by the park rather. and when she was there she got a bit confused as to which direction to go. but then figured it out. so when she was by the school there were crossing gaurds. she doesn't like them. well it's not them personally she doesn't like. she doesn't like interacting w/ random people and she doesn't want them interacting w/ her. her new thing lately is 'fukoff and don't talk to me'. she could never be a crossing gaurd. [not that she's currently looking for a job but if she was.]. she doesn't like standing and as put she doesn't like interacting w/ people.

um there were people out well there were children so children are people. she opposed to other age groups. she forgets that. she sees children at the mall but usually they're w/ their parents. teenagers look so young when someone's but they are. one of them was on a scooter and she said 'thank you' when the MC moved out of her way. and the MC after went 'you're welcome. and thank you.'. in aurora most people won't acknowledge that. like not that it's bad but most people don't say anything. there's just this unspoken agreement that people will be polite. and unlike at her mom's she doesn't expect them to be. yeah where she's from people are impolite and conceited. she's not a super interactive person [and thank god she's not] but she's polite to people she doesn't know.

yeah. right so she forgets that children go to school. actually she forgets that people are in school/go to work. cause she doesn't. people always say they're busy or they're like 'oh so at work today' the computer wasn't something. but they never say what they're actually busy doing and most of the time when they talk about work like on fb they don't say what they do. people have this weird need to sleep. [well she does too she 't sleep when they do.]. so when she's called well recently when she called someone at night when she was awake. the person's like 'sorry but we were asleep'. well and maybe the MC is selfish but she wants to know more nocturnal people. friends not just random people. people and their weird need to sleep when she's awake. and that' she took that person's # off her phone. yeah she's embarassed about it.

so. she went to the bus stop on the way she stopped and took photos. on the bus there were 2 cops she forgets that 'oh. cops need to take the bus too.'. she was on her best behaviour cause oh god cops. she was nervous. not cause she'd done anything but cause cops make her nervous. even if a cop's getting lunch at the same place she w/e still gets nervous. so she went to the store was a cop car parked in front of it. and more being nervous. so in the store she looked at the books and saw 2 new books she wants. and she went to the bank and asked for a quarter and uh...8 nickels or something. as she had .40. and she hates tiny coins they're the bane of her existance. and the lady's 'i can give you a quarter and 2 dimes' and the MC's thinking 'but i want...big coins. ok fine' and the lady's 'sorry'. no the MC wasn't trying to get more money out of her she just legitimately hates tiny coins. but she'd rather have 2, 3, 4 tiny coins then 5 or more so. well so she got the money.

so then. she went and got bottled she does. the tiny short blonde w/ the glasses she doesn't like was the self checkout that is. she didn't interact w/ the MC which thank god. no besides her voice and well interaction part the other reason the MC doesn't like her is cause when in the past the MC's been at the self checkout the blonde has asked her if she needs help or will tell her to put her card in er scan it or w/e. the MC knows how to grocery shop she's not stupid. she's been grocery shopping since at least for the last 10 yrs. so again. fukoff.

so went to starbucks the one by the where. she got a brownie the lady justine was working there. the lady who so far she hadn't had to repeat herself for. she had the brownie and the tea and to her right at the table she usually there were these 2 hens clucking away. [ actual hens she means ladies. actual hens in starbucks that would be interesting.]. either they were loud or they just talked a she wants starbucks to be quiet when she's in there goes there. after awhile they left. there were 2 other ladies in there one a brunette w/ glasses on her computer. and a blonde. and a guy who left shortly. other customers came in mostly ladies actually all ladies. near the end of her stay justine asked the brunette w/ glasses where a something w/ marshmellows was. and they talked about its whereabouts for a bit. and the brunette's 'in the last place i look' and the MC's thinking 'well *obviously* it's in the last place you look. oh that's why that joke's funny. but you know if you want to be that person'.

so then. she the MC. went back to the store went to the seasonal area. cause she was thinking about buying 2 plastic cups. but after looking at them she didn't like them so much. so she ended up buying medical tape. it was on sale and it's not w/ their money. so. they don't actually need the receipt for it. she went to subway. she couldn't find the ladies' rm. and asked. she did what needed to be done then onto the store sat in the other starbucks for about a half hr.

so when she was in the ladies' rm. a lady comes in and asks 'ma'am are you ok?' well the MC doesn't like the word 'ma'am' and to her that question implies she's upset. and the MC's 'yeah' 'ok well they need to clean it' 'oh ok. i'll be right out. sorry' 'it's ok'. had the other lady gone 'hey just so you know they need to clean it so' then that would've been better or 'you good? cause they need to clean it'. she doesn't like 'are you ok?' from random people it's too much of an emotional thing.

also where she comes from people don't do that. at [well the only store she goes to is whole foods. but anyway] when the cleaning guy comes into the ladies' rm. to well clean it [and it's a bit weird that it's a guy and not a lady but ok] he'll knock. and she likes that better. than someone like talking to her. but at the ladies' rm in the store there's not a um door on it so. well they can knock on the wall she's done that herself. yeah where she comes from people either won't say anything or they won't ask her that.

oh so earlier. outside the restroom she heard this little girl who was not v. happy. and the MC's thinking 'please control your child. this is why i don't have children'. and it's a reason she doesn't want them either. if she had them she'd be either terrible to them cause she doesn't have patience. or she'd be too nice cause she doesn't believe in discipline. she believes in talking things out.

so. at 8 when she was outside she called the lady and told her she was ready. [well. again why the fuk else would she call her? it's either that or to tell her she was at the school]. well the lady came at 8:20. had it been 8:30 the MC would've gone back inside and called the lady from there. cause she was getting cold and also she doesn't like waiting when she has nothing to do. well evidently it's a huge thing if she decides to go inside the store and walk around for a bit while she's waiting or it was last wk. anyway. well not to her but to them.

and so that was pretty much it.

it 3rd as she'd put 10:30 p.m. it was wed. may 3rd 10:30 p.m. it had been 4 yrs. and after that a yr. after that 3. she was thinking about that earlier today. and...so it would've been a sun. not a thurs. but the reason she thinks it was a thurs. is bc 'big bang' 's on thurs. but they show repeats every night. it had been 4 yrs. since she' and it wasn't the anorexia that killed her although that certainly didn't help. it was the od. but then...why would they have had the cinco de mayo festival during the wk. that yr. cause isn't it always on a fri./weekend? [well ok so obviously not 'always'.]. she doesn't remember too much of that night . businesses close early sun. and. was that the day they she him [she him just like the music group] went to the park on the way to her place and on the way there discussed the liquor store having closed early or was day? wait was that the day/night they had whiskey dr. pepper? or...or not? and then later she had 2 cups of wine.

anyway yeah wow.

and yr. after he'd, left. the v. same uh date only it had been a mon. so 3 yrs. ago. scared the hell out of her. she remembers coming down on him hard. and she's like 'cmon you're not stupid you know what you need to do'. he doesn't remember a whole lot of that night. and the next day. she thought...he wasn't here. and she remembers thinking she was going to collect tigers for him [well. not actual ones] cause that had been his fave animal at the tme. she'd never told him that. she'd never told anyone that she doesn't think. sometime later during that wk. - this was when she was still going to safeway - he'd called and they'd talked about it and he was 'i'm sorry to have put you through all that but you're a good person to talk to'.

um. wow.

so. when they got back to the house earlier tonight [as it's 10:40 atm] no one else was there but them and she thought...the lady's family would . cause back when the lady had forewarned her of this which had been 2.5 wks ago. she'd said something about 'there' only to the MC 'there' meant the house not...not aurora. not 'there' as in 'they'll be here in aurora' or as in 'they'll be in town' but maybe not in the house all the days of those 2 wks. the lady really should've been more clear about that. and it's nice to have the house quiet [again] it's just weird after the last nights. since the last after the last 2 nights. since the last 2 nights they were the house. er rather. the last 2 nights they'd been at the house.

the been thinking about the story she'd been writing the one about umbrella guy. [who in the story is eric.]. well it's a little bit nicholas sparks [the longest ride if anyone wants to know] a little bit her friend and a little other friend although now her former . in one scene in the story her story they're [eric and the lady who the MC has named annabelle but eric calls her 'belle'. annabelle being her of course] they' pizza and whiskey in his kitchen. and there's a scene in the nicholas sparks book where *those* 2 characters are having dinner/wine. the guy eric. in her story. he's caring and nice and is good to belle. and that's. like how her friend is. and the part where they're talking about music and he said he named his dog jim like james morrison the musician and she goes 'i know who james morrison is...i love his stuff...and also eva cassidy' and he eric goes 'i have some of her stuff we can listen to it sometime' reminds her of Michael. one night they were it must've been his neighbor's. they were listening to music he was making crepes for her. well it's like they say. writers er write about what they know they write what they know.

so earlier. for the first time in awhile. the lady actually parked on the street not in the garage. once when they were talking about this the lady goes 'i just feel safer parking in the garage'. well. yes even though it's not her car nor her house nor does she drive. [ does she want to] the MC's part of this too doesn't particularly this. no [and even though she's small.]. it's that. she wants more room then is in the more room around her when she gets the car.

the MC had been thinking. she does this a lot in case it wasn't apparent. well so last wed. when they were in the garage. the lady told her that if she wants her to get her some food as in to buy it for her to let her know. recently like in the last. 2 - 3 months not counting this one which is now may. the lady has at least once said something about her not coming down for dinner. and the MC's told her she just hasn't been hungry. [which at the time she hadn't been.]. and when it's warm she doesn't get that hungry. [well she doesn't.]. well but lately it's been cold and she is so over this damn weather. no and also. the MC's out during dinner. yes for that exact reason. so she'll intentionally miss dinner. and no one can be in 2 places at once. but really. what the lady should do, actually, cause the MC doesn't like when people buy things for her. is the lady should give the MC money like in the MC can buy her own food so the lady won't buy it for her. [although that requires a talking about it and 2 paying the lady back so.]. although lately the MC hasn't eaten any of their food which she's not supposed to do anyway. and w/ her she doesn't care so long as they don't eat too much of it and put it back when they're done. yeah people are weird about their food she's not one of them. the MC has no plans of letting the lady know. if it's that important to them then they can leave it in their rm where she never goes or label it. instead of leaving it unlabeled in a common area like the kitchen. where, you public goes. other people.

she's wondering if she thinks the lady thinks she has an eating disorder. [if? well she does and she's had one since she was 13. [and] she's 29 now. so this isn't new.]. the MC certainly isn't going to mention it bring it up. she'll just keep telling them she hasn't been hungry. or that she's out during dinner. [well she is.].

so on thurs. which was had been the 4th. well she really doesn't like being on time cause she doesn't like rushing. so she'd been ready since 10:40 that morning. she'd been in the parlor/sitting rm. area but at 11:20 had gone back up to her rm. not that that changed her waiting it just changed where she was waiting. and in a few mins. she was going to call the lady. well in that time the lady calls up to her. and the MC's thinking 'i've been ready for the last 40 mins. where the hell were you?'. so she had to rush and this is the reason she gets ready early to get her stuff and when they got to the school the bus was already there. so yeah not a great start to her day. and she really really doesn't like being late either. for her. she wants them to go to the school 20 mins. before the bus is scheduled to get there. so that she has time. which at least 3 times recently the lady's done. but since the MC's been living at the house more often then not the lady hasn't done. one of these days she'll walk to the school by herself. so she can leave when she wants to and not wait for anyone to take her to the school. [well unless it's super damn cold.].

so. well the bus ride was fine and all that. when she got to her mom's and after she got ready her mom told her there'd been a schedule change. that they were going to pick up her sister and go to that lion place for an hr. for lunch. well the place was good she liked it [in fact one of these days she might actually go there and have a drink] and the food was good but the conversation wasn't.

her sister when her their mom says she wanted file cabinets her sister laughed and was ignorant about it and insensitive. and so the MC tried to explain to her sister why her mom wanted the file cabinets. and that they saw it differently her sister their mom which was fine there was nothing wrong w/ that. just understand that they do. and she the MC was even thinking of saying 'wow i don't know that i want to have lunch w/ you if this is how you're going to be'. at one point she the MC got loud and went 'ok' as in 'ok ya know what? we don't have to do this'. she's done that before w/ people. well w/ a person. her sister said their family was weird. well if that was an insult [and weird doesn't always...like not in a bad way] then her sister just insulted herself bc she's part of that the family too. see this is why no one wants to go to lunch w/ her sister or be around her. [well maybe not 'no one' but the MC certainly doesn't at times.]. bc of this. her sister's selfish. well of course she is she's an addict. yeah and the MC is too an active participant or a practising one. [again it's weird that it's called 'practising'.].

when the MC was, an active participant. there were a couple times she did things she wasn't proud of. and she hated that and she still does. back when her sister was doing drugs it was nice. [well probably not for her.]. no but for the MC her sister was was nice. and if the MC...if she could...trade right now for her sister doing drugs. she would so her sister would be nice. cause of how much she doesn't like it when she isn't. she's never told anyone that. yes her sister drinks [and so does the MC as much as she used to for various reasons] but different people differently. and alcohol's a drug. a liquid one but yeah. looking back if the MC had known that was going to wishes her sister hadn't come. she wishes her sister hadn't a way. the MC in a way can't wait for next month. her sister will be in school she'll be won't much. or maybe not at all. her sister wants to do things w/ the family they don't want to do things w/ her.

so after all took her sister back to her place and the MC went off by herself. a bit after dinner her uncle the one who talks a lot came by maybe to help her dad move the car parts. his girlfriend wasn't w/ him which honestly the MC was glad of. she doesn't not like her she's her type.

so that was thurs.

so then fri. well on fri. her mom her waited around for her sister her to come by so her mom could take her to the nail place. and it didn't take long it's just. everything's about her sister isn't it. yeah she was sick and she likes being taken care of [which usually the MC doesn't] but it inconveniences everyone else. like oh their mom had to take her to the nail place instead of her walking or driving. the MC doesn't have a car and nor does she drive. and she doesn't like being taken care of. but maybe that's better cause that way she's not inconveniencing people. or maybe it's not better maybe it just feels that way. no wonder everyone loves her her. cause. she's not like that. of course knowing her best friend helps a lot. or, having, known him.

so after the nail place her mom her went to place. where they had lunch. nearby was a group of ladies talking. they were loud. after which they went to the bundt cake place and got a free cake. they went back to her mom's where they had a small birthday get together for her. the MC went out came back got ready and the bus came. it was the happy bus driver guy. she doesn't like him of that reason. also he's loud. he talked to her mom for a bit. then they got on the bus. it took awhile bc they picked someone up and dropped her off and the bus driver didn't have his so.

so yeah that was fri.

she'd been thinking about her friend. she does that lot. they' such a good place right now. they're in a really good place. he's been so good to her and nice and. whenever he can't make it he'll call and tell her as opposed to having her wait forever. which in the past he didn't do a whole lot of and she, didn't like it. they haven't argued. other than the whole not seeing him 're really good and she feels like they're happy together right that song by the turtles.

so fri. well by the bank and whole foods there was a homeless lady w/ a green and black plaid umbrella. the MC went into whole foods came back out. and she could've sworn they switched ladies cause the lady she saw now wasn't the same lady she'd seen before. what really made her take notice was the umbrella to be honest. and she thought 'what would Pat have done?'. well he would've at least talked to the woman she feels. so she gave the lady a bit of money and went 'it's not much. good luck'. and she meant it. good luck w/ ...w/e. that could be for anything. and to her it's not so much the money as it is the time. also her best friend had been homeless a few times so. she hadn't seen him homeless when she knew him but she knew he had been. her best also one of the most compassionate people she'd ever met. and after that she was so damn happy she could've cried. the lady didn't say anything but the MC hopes she understood. on her sign it said 'if you can please help. thank you'. and no she didn't *have* to. she *wanted* to and that's the thing. cause she knows what that's like [well not that particular thing exactly.]. but rather she knows what it's like for someone to take the time out of their day to talk to a person. bc they want to not bc they have to or cause it's their job or they're a petition type. no bc they want to. she can't see her sister doing something like that. but sister's exactly the warmest person either so.

so on sat. which had been the 6th right. she went out. to the home depot area. well and she went to wal mart. ...um. oh well right. so before she went out her friend 3:10. and he told her he wasn't coming. when he explained this he said the buses run every hr. on the weekends which she didn't know. and he had to take 3 buses. so by the time he would've gotten there...a they would've only had 20 mins. doesn't seem worth it. well bc of that 't seem worth it. it's like. ok so it takes an hr. to drive to the dr's 'll only wait 5 mins. she told him 'thank you', which, now, looking back seems like a weird thing as in 'thank disappointing me'. no but they both knew she meant for letting her know. they might do something tues. bc he told her he doesn't have any appts. tues. he has them the other days.

so went on mart where. the self checkout lady kept indicating a self checkout that was open. and the MC going to it. she can see for herself where an open self checkout is she's not stupid. and this is why she she doesn't like self checkout attendants. um that's really the only thing of notice she remembers happening while she was out.

so when she got of the lady's family was there. they left by 11. she wondered where they had been. so apparently...they're staying somewhere else as they're not staying at the house. [er well obviously.].

oh and although. she was all ready for rm checks. as was her rm. happened. and she's not like severely bothered by this or disappointed it's just like 'well so much for that.'. it takes them less time to do rm. checks then it does for her to get ready for them. and to put everything back when they're done.

so yesterday which was sun. which was the 'd well she'd done laundry. at between 5 - 6:30 no one had eaten dinner weird. she wondered when they had eaten. as they usually eat around that time. if the lady makes dinner for her which god she hasn't done in months. 2, 3 months. she'll eat it between 5:10 - 5:30. but not after or before that. so if the lady starts making it at 5:30 and it takes 20 mins. then...no. it she makes it at 5:10 and it takes 20 mins. then that's fine.

um. she'd looked through her stuff to see if she had an extra ink cartridge. she remembers running across it some time recently. and she had 1 exactly. so she changed that. oh and when she was rearranging things she found a memory card. well when she checked it in her camera it was empty. so now she has 2, 3 extra ones. well she'd rather have more then less.

at around 6 for 20 mins. no one was at the house. which seemed a bit odd as when the lady goes back to church on sun. she'll tell her she tells her. the MC. it was so quiet and she likes it when it's that quiet.

oh she got all her laundry done and dry and all that.

she'd mentioned. earlier she'd mentioned her depression. and honestly it had been worse lately bc of this damn weather. for at least the past 2.5 wks. it had been cloudy and sometimes cold. which is a reason she's been out. even though sometimes that's the last thing she wants to go out. and sometimes it had been cold. they've had a couple days where it had been sunny and upper 70's/low 80's. but only . a couple days in the past 2.5 wks. at least now it's warmer but where's the sun at? the weather people are all like 'we need the rain.'. yeah you know who doesn't need it? people w/ SAD.

at one point recently. like in the last almost month or friend had asked her if she'd been sad. he's like 'so how are you are are you sad?' maybe he meant. how's her depression been. well it hasn't gotten better. which is time she's at the store be later this wk. she'll get they help god do they help.

she'd sister earlier. and...something about...

. so once when she her sister were talking about it. her sister told her something about about how yes although although people don't need to be taken care of it's nice to be. and the MC went something like 'well not for me it's not'. well for her it is she just hates when most people do it for her. so. she'd been dishonest which she sometimes is.

oh so sat. the 6th. she when she was at southlands she went into mccabe's first. and none of the staff people were there at the front untill...well damnit. the lady said 'hi' and the MC went 'hi ladies' rm. that way?' 'yes'. as though she needs to be told.

so visit to mccabe's she went to the bookstore well the bn. somewhere she hadn't been by herself in a long time. when she came in the greeter helper guy went 'hi' and she's thinking 'oh i didn't see you there' as he was a bit hidden. she went to the medical section and didn't find any books on what she was looking for. and just as she was about to ask someone a helper guy was all 'hi what can i help you w/?' and she's thinking 'i've never been so glad to see someone in my life'. see her she'll look around and then ask. and she'd found the book by that time and told the helper guy that. and he's like 'oh well i'm glad i could help in some small fashion'. so even though she didn't find exactly what she'd been looking wasn't a total waste cause she got to go to one of her fave places. er she did go there was there.

the in the lady she lives w/. has this habit of thinking she's her psych. a recent example of this is asking her how come she didn't answer her phone that one wed. almost 2 wks. ago. it's really damn annoying. [well but what isn't. yes. exactly.].

no. the only person she wants being her psych. is the person who already is. and that's her psych.

she'd been thinking about drinking lately the MC. both contemplating actually doing it and stuff about it. the last time she had a drink at the house was feb. 22nd according to the receipts. which, on the 17th of this month which is next wed. it'll be 3 months. since she last had a drink at the house. yes but in between then and er. in between feb. 23rd and the this month. she's had, as she calls it, mexican irish hot choc. at her mom's so...she's not sure...if it counts or not not.

on the 14th of next month. which is june it'll be 4 months since she last had a drink at the house. damn which seems like a long time. she's gone 4.5 months before just. not in awhile.

she's going out of town the 18th - the 23rd of next month. so that'll be...well by july 5th it'll have been.4.5 months since she last had a drink at the house.

the main reason being. daylight. when it's light for longer she doesn't drink as much. that's about the only reason she likes winter. yeah she's not much of a day drinker.

the woman who once couldn't go a day w/o a drink w/o drinking. so she wouldn't.

so was mon. which was the 8th. her mentor came but her mentor came late. like at 4:45 late. bc when she was driving there evidently was a storm. and so that slowed her down.

so they only had 2 hrs. which, for some reason even though she doesn't there are a couple big things she doesn't like about her mentor and she doesn't look forward to their time together. she wanted the other hr. her doesn't make a whole lot of sense.

so they went to mcd's and then the store actually went and looked at flashlight batteries and their prices. well turns out. they're all D but like one is 'D A' and another's 'D B'. so well later she looked at her flashlight batteries the ones she already had in her flashlight. and. they didn't say which 'D' on them so. she got printer paper and tea. oh one of her bags broke.

it rained yesterday while they were out. when they were at mcd's her mentor's 'it's cold in here'. well yeah that's why the MC had more on then her mentor did well a reason. and she usually does. her mentor had on a white shirt and the MC, personally, wouldn't wear a white shirt and just that when it's raining. but ok. in the car her mentor had one of those big umbrellas. the MC doesn't like those cause they won't fit in her purse and also if she had a big umbrella she'd be afraid she'd leave it somewhere. whereas w/ her purse everything goes in her purse so. it amazes her that more people aren't prepared here. yeah in the store she saw one lady put on, a coat. whereas she doesn't like changing in front of people even if she already has clothes on. well it's more taking her layers off when she's in front of people she has a problem w/.

so her brought the cart [and yes they're called 'carts' not 'baskets'.no baskets are the things people carry.] outside and the MC was waiting by it for her mentor to bring the car. there. well while she was waiting some of the store workers were talking about moving the flower shelf things. and so the MC's 'should i move? i can move or...?' and one of them the workers a brunette w/ long hair and glasses went 'no you're fine'. oh. ok then. even though workers er staff though they're supposed to be polite to her. she's polite to them like she'll move out of their way or w/e.

so on the way back to the house she was all calm as fuk. for some reason.

and that was yesterday most of it.

so on tues. which was the 9th. went out that's right. went to the home depot area and then wal mart. she didn't see umbrella guy and was hoping to. and she didn't get together w/ her friend even 'd promised. problem is the guy doesn't have a phone from which to . from. and even if he had it he'd lose it w/i like a month or so. the guy does not have a good track records w/ phones whereas she's had hers for 4 yrs. so. it's his loss and he knows that. but it's also .

oh so before she'd actually left. well she opened the front door and the dog got out which she knew would happen. no one else was at the house and she didn't have a key to let herself back in. so she tried to get the dog to come to her but he wouldn't. after a bit she went back inside the house and knocked twice on the basement door. the lady's husband goes down there during the day. and no answer. so then she went back out and so long as she still could see the dog it was ok. after a few mins. she called the lady and told her the situation. the lady came got the dog and it all worked out. then the MC went on her way.

um...right so she went to wal mart where she got tea. and she looked at the books. she didn't have to wait for a self checkout thing to open up er she didn't have to wait in line that is. oh so then she went to mccabe's and before she went to the ladies' rm she asked the bartender 2 questions the first being what do bartenders mean when they say draft beer? and he goes 'it's one of these' indicating the faucet things. and she's 'isn't that the same thing?' 'uh huh' uh ok then. that's weird but w/e. and the other one she asked was. what's a good summer wine something light...he said riesling or moscato those are usually pretty good. she's going to start drinking again in july.

so then she went back to the home depot area went to home depot.

she gave herself untill 8:20. she'd technically left the house at 3:30 but the whole dog thing took 20 mins. so she'd left the neighborhood at 3:50. she called the lady at 8:20 and got back by 8:40 or so. 8:30 maybe.

she also called the bus people on tues. to schedule for fri. the woman was hispanic not that that's like.a problem or anything. oh and she got her period some point tues. yeah when she woke up she did not feel good.

so that was pretty much it for tues.

so then yesterday. which was had been. wed. the .went to the store. she 9 in the rather she went at 9 in the morning via the lady. and she the doesn't do mornings. it was too damn early and she' a morning person. she got. well she got tea pb fruit. and a book lady products and a bowl. the more the day went on the more tired she got. when she was done at 1:50 she called the lady.

oh. so right. well...usually she's able to get all her bags outside at once but 't happen. so she took 2 trips er made 2 rounds. and put them on a table by the entrance. and then made 2 rounds to get them into the car er van.

but before went to she told the guy that was in line behind her that if he knows what he wants he can go ahead, or something. apparently yesterday she didn't want to be the person holding everybody up and slowing them down. as she doesn't like it when people do that to her. he went ahead of her.

when they got back to the . at like 3 she went to sleep. from 3 - 9:30 but woke up a couple times once at 5 and once at 7 as she has broken sleep.

and that was pretty much it.

_she'd been thinking as she does. she'd been thinking actually about the rape er the first rape from when she was 17. they were both standing and she thought they were going to have sex...well back when she was 17 she didn't know a whole lot about it. she just knew people had it and thought there was only one way to have it. but now at 29 now that she's in her 20's...well. she's never actually looked at the karma sutra the book. but she's pretty sure that mechanically physically that it's not possible for 2 people to have sex standing up that...that doesn't work. and he...well he must've known that.

also. he was 21 [he'd turned 21 by that time] she'd been raped in oct. and she was 17. so even if according to her she had consented [which she hadn't. but she hadn't not consented either she 't know what the hell was going on so.]. legally bc of their ages it's still rape. and...since she thought they were going to have sex she's like 'we can do it standing up?' and he's like 'oh yeah'. so to her it was like 'ok i don't really know what's going on but i trust you'.

and he used that against her. untill she was didn't know what the hell had happened. she didn't know it was rape bc to her 'rape' meant only one thing it only happened one way same w/ sex. so he must've...he counted on her to be somehow screwed up bc of of the rape. maybe he didn't know she'd turn into an alcoholic or maybe he did. but he knew that somehow it would screw her up.

yes. she *chose* to drink when she hit like.24 but she sure as hell didn't choose to be raped. [no well obviously. that's why it's called 'rape'.]. is bc she *didn't* choose for it to happen. he'd mentioned to her that he had ptsd. and at the time she didn't know a whole lot about that or what it meant. she didn't understand it. oh but now...oh so he has ptsd and bc of what he did to her she gets to have it. gets to as though it's...

it was her first no her second. her second in state relationship. they were pretty serious. maybe it's a good thing they never married... considering what happened. [well and also at 17 she would've been too young.]. how old does someone have to be to divorce someone? at what age is that allowed? [this is an actual question.].

_she'd also been thinking. and this is something at least from recent memory she's only told 2 people. anyway she'd also been thinking she calls it 'the parking garage incident.'. bc she doesn't know what the hell else to call it she doesn't know what it's known as. all she knew guy that raped her was there and this other guy his...his friend who was in his 30's. which now that she's 29 that doesn't seem so old but it did back then when she was 17. nothing happened other than they drugged her and got her to take her clothes off. but...still. she was 17 and they were both over 18 so. like legally that...something doesn't feel right about that. she knows it's not rape and she knows it's not molestation. yes she was a willing participant but exactly how willing is someone who's drugged? she's not sure she wants the answer. all she knows is it's disgusting. and she wonders if that's pedo...that but to her that involves children not teenagers. children as in people who are 10 and under. teenagers even though again legally.

she doesn't talk about it. and she thinks about it even less. she talks about that less then she talks about the rape. what bothered her about it that her ex [well he wasn't her ex at the time.]. the guy who raped did nothing to stop his er 'friend'. when he should've. oh but somehow it's ok for him to rape her oh ok. [it's not of course that's the point.]. and she was too drugged to do something about it. she was conscious yes but she was drugged. so...

she wants a name for it. and it's frustrating as hell that she doesn't have one. the only thing that would change if she had a name for it would that that there was a name for it. like w/ the rape or her depression. like oh so that's what it is. and once she knew what those 2 things were then she could begin to understand them. in the words of patsy cline the only thing different the only thing new.

but she also once she has a name for can't not know that. so. there's that.

_she knows about the bystander effect from taking sociology in college. it's a weird thing that. and she sees it all the time when she sees uh sign flyers. it's like the more people there are the less that'll the homeless people er sign .

but to her. the bystander effect only there's a when there's one other witness.

_there are no words right now. well there are words but...that's...it's different and tangibility. she wants this to be felt. and not spoken or written but felt. the weight of it all.

like that judy collins song the weight of the world.

it's mon. may 15th.

she doesn't dynamics of her ex's and his uh 'friend' 's relationship. maybe the friend said something to her ex that scared so therefore that's why he didn't do...anything. but regardless. the point was 17 and they were over 18 and so to her it still feels wrong, somehow.

he only [ 'he' being her ex.]. he only took her out once and that was to see a movie. and whenever they went somewhere like beyond, as she still calls it, the were always w/ the other guys. she knows adult relationships [ 'adult relationships' ok so that makes it sound like porn or prostitution. adult relationships] she knows that they' then teenage relationships. but that's the thing. she was still a teenager when they met. and he wasn't. so there's that.

is it a 17 yr old. to be w/ someone a guy who was 20 or older as well as his friends who were also.20 or older? not be w/ as in date or be w/ as be in the company of.

the other bizarre the van the friend drove. he took her her ex and the guys around in it. which, in a way kindof makes it sound like they took turns fuking her...but that wasn't it at . looking back it just seems really weird.

and fact that the main place they went was the 's kindof like he was embarassed to be seen w/ her...around 's like he didn't want to be. her, of all people as though there's er, was something wrong w/ her. as though she did something. and the odd thing was he wasn't verbally or physically controlling. but...that...that it's almost like he didn't want to be seen w/ her around others. that that says something. that says something that doesn't seem good. evidently. he wasn't that into her.

and she deserved better but she didn't understand that at the time cause she'd never had better. he was [and actually still is.]. her 2nd ex so. when he didn't defend she was thinking about this recently. looking back he evidently had different plans other what was his. maybe he thought 'well i already raped her. so since the damage has already been done. i don't need to protect her.'. and that's the only other time that happened when they were together. and maybe he was letting her know w/o actually letting her know. that once he raped wasn't going to protect her anymore. if it doesnt seem like a guy's that into . he's probably actually not that into someone. a woman in this case.

but what doesn't make sense to . if he wasn't. why the hell would he string her along like that. she'll ask her friend soon. if he wasn't...then why waste his time and fukin go to all that trouble... what exactly. be w/ her all that time. [actually yes.]. be w/ her behind the river where 't want anyone to see her. if he'd bruised her or something that she could see. cause then it might be like 'oh well i don't want anyone to know i'm doing this.'. but it wasn't physical. no of course it wasn't would be far too easy if it was. but he didn't want it to be easy he wanted her to work for it. work at what...figuring this out.

at the same time he's her 's always going to be he's not just some random guy. oh but it was was really easy for him to rape her he had no hesitation at all when he did that. no that's the was always...easy for him...regarding...them.

he didn't have money but they could've...walked around more. like actually around, the more then they did. it's not the not having money she has a problem w/: no it's the. 'oh so i don't have money so i won't take you anywhere even for free. no i'm going to keep you locked here'. she was belle she was rapunzel. but it wasn't effort at all. she knows that now. like was she not worth it. well apparently not not to him.

why would it have been physical that's the whole point of it. is that it wasn't. if it had been physical would she have left? well sometimes it's better not to. of course it wasn't. obviously.

how did she get out. well she...well indirectly she did when they at some point stopped they drifted apart. she doesn't day they stopped talking only that they did. also. she does't remember. talking to anyone about this at the time it was happening. looking didn't know what it was but thinks she knows exactly what it was. she keeps thinking...he wasn't controlling. but no...he was. sure, not in an obvious, blatant sortof way. but, he was.

and it's didn't wait to fukin rape her. no of course he didn't raped her pretty early on in their relationship. he didn't want to wait. oh...just like the 2nd guy from when she was 24. none of them of .

she has a name for it now. she has a name for exactly what kindof relationship they had.

he wasn't, like an angry person he 't care. all that much. [ ].

it was tues. may 16th 2:35 a.m.

through her belle and eric. she'd realised. she'd lost more than she'd realised that yr. when her dad was in the hospital that first however long that was. his physical presence was missing as well as his emotional presence. can people have, an emotional presence like is that a thing? maybe... maybe. she wanted his companionship that feeling of knowing someone else is physically there occupying the same space even if they don't talk. actually sometimes she prefers it that way. but feeling their it. she doesn't remember when he got out of the hospital that first time he was back by halloween she knows he went in the oct. that month. there's so much she doesn't remember of that yr. she doesn't remember halloween or thanksgiving or the other holidays... and she's never been able to. and that's not that unusual she just feels like .

she remembers being w/ her ex and that day...and his friend and the day of the parking garage incident. but the normal stuff the holidays the general stuff that happened in school 't remember that well. and before that. like that's the first time she vividly remembers something happening. day she was raped the rape. looking back that's the first thing where she's like 's where it begins.

when she was younger she probably remembers stuff more vividly. she knows they had the holidays but what the fuk did they do? they must've done the usual stuff but nothing in paricular stands out. is that normal? maybe.

it's possible that it took such a huge amount of her...brain space. that there wasn't a whole lot left. but maybe not.

from that point on familiar w/ the things were... the thing was. her habit of falling for unavailable nice guys. and she still does. and the only becoming familiar w/ something else some other thing by finding it and becoming familiar w/ that. so she hasn't changed that. it started when she was 17. there's some correlation she thinks. and she found someone who could've been available but he wasn't he was distant. or when he was there he was hurting her. not continously but he was, that day. and for yrs. after. and maybe. ever since then even before Pat...she's been afraid of becoming too attached cause look what happened.

w/ the guy after him. yeah he raped her too. and then her most recent ex he was abusive. she doesn't like being that woman . she's not proud of it she doesn't like admitting it but yeah. why should she get attached to someone considering the first guy she had a serious relationship w/ in state. raped her. maybe she shouldn't. it makes sense that she wouldn't. yeah but it also keeps her stuck. but stuck can mean still.

she wants to be circe. and she wants to be a mermaid. if she were circe...well people know how that story went. there's some some mythology story of orchids. and like dionysus or whoever had some other goddess and he was turned into an orchid. and the interesting thing loves orchids they're like little weird creatures. they're so pretty and unusual and yet... turned into one for his crime. to take it a step further. orchids die. so maybe that was his comeuppance.

or maybe not.

w/ the mermaids. [er 'the mermaids'.]. w/ mermaids rather. there's nothing there so no one knows what's going on down below. it's like that song by leonard cohen the song she likes. was a time where you let me know what's really going on below. but w/ mermaids. maybe there was never that tme for them. so. one way of looking at it were never raped in that way.

she remembers parking garage incident happened after the rape and she feels like it was in nov. she spent a whole emotionally dead and she hated that. and she decided it wasn't going to happen again and then it did yrs. later being emotionally dead. so.

_she hasn' a lot of people this. but. her ex's friend had a daughter or so he'd told her but she doesn't know that she believes that. but...she was 3, 4 at the time. the daughter that is. he was divorced. she didn't know much about their relationship or anything she just knew those things. she's not one to accuse people...but. or maybe they had a good relationship she doesn't know she has no idea. maybe, nothing happened between them. she...she doesn't know.

she has feelings towards that man at all and she doesn't say that about people.

daughter she being the daughter. she liked casper the...the movie. and that's why she the MC doesn't like any mention of it. she'd never met her reminds her of him. yeah she recalls one day and it must've been a sun. or a sat. anyway her friend her were talking and somehow that topic came up and she's like. 'don't...please. no' and her friend went 'oh i know what you're talking about. i'm 99.9% sure i know what you're talking about'. so he knew. or he knew something had happened regarding that movie or some association w/ it. she's never asked him about that.

_she'd she'd been depressed she'd tired she'd actually been seriously depressed except for the weekend. yeah during the weekend she wasn't. it crept in a few times but other than that. no wonder she needs pot right now. yeah.

she's just tired she's numb she feels like she's going to collapse. the weight of this is so huge and intense and heavy. she's been here before but not in awhile and she'd thought she was no. and she's starting to or maybe she already /d that it's an ongoing process. it's like saying someone's a recovered alcoholic. [which is funny bc...oh that cuts a bit too close.]. like a recovered 't a thing. no they will always be if it's been 10 yrs. and 's been almost 13 in oct. it will be. and in aug. it'll be.6 yrs. since the 2nd one. and in dec. the last one. wow.

_when she the bn earlier. she went to the relationship psychology section. there she looked through a book entitled 'it wasn't your fault' or something. and in there it detailed subtle...or subconscous. or some word w/ the word 'sub' in it anyway. sub...something w/e it was child sexual abuse. but again. to her when she thinks of children she thinks of people who are 10 and under. teenagers. and one of the things in it was ... an adult surreptitously [sp?] and/or overtly watching a 'child' undressing.

so then she had to go and look up what 'surreptitously' she didn't know. and it means. doing something in a way so others don't know. or didn't. and that day of the parking garage incident. they friend her ex used her own what was, at the time, her own spirituality against her. and she knows not everyone who is spiritual is like that. she's not like that and she's spiritual. so he did being the the friend did that in a way so the others that were there wouldn't know. and she doesn't know if they'd talked about it beforehand or...or if they hadn't. oh...god. there's a reason she's been feeling the way she's been feeling about it. and there's a reason she's been feeling that way about a long time. it's so say it was 'that' when there was nothing physical about there wasn't touching. it wasn't sexual in the...intercourse way.

but legally. they were adults and...well she was 17.

of course it wasn't sexual in that it would be far too easy for her to know right away. but it was easy as fuk for him. took no effort at all for him. in the words of ellen greene i'd meet a man i'd follow him blindly he'd snap his fingers and then i'd say sure. of course it wasn't sexual in that . why would it have been.

in another book she looked through. it said something about emotional abuse and one of the things about that was isolating the person. well and going back to the river thing. the main place they went was the river. he didn't want them to be seen together. no he didn't want him to see her w/ him. also. that's considered statutory rape due to their ages. he wasn't physically controlling or . but he was in a way. almost so much so had no idea. she had no fukin idea . he was but in a way. so quiet she didn't notice. he wanted everything to be normal. even before she met her most recent ex and didn't know what it it kindof relationship she 't had a name for it untill now.

and now. oh. that's...what that...was.

_she hasn't wanted to 's been too depressed to. when she's angry she'll get hungry. but... when she's depressed.

even though it's it was. it was in the 60's/50' cloudy. in the past 2.5 wks. maybe 3 they've had.4 days of sun.

_-the reason she parking garage incident was bc it was. she knows what she feels.

_he didn't protect her from that. from the subtle or w/e the word abuse that day in the van. well. why the fukin hell not. she's damn right he should've. damn right.

_he didn't need to protect her. no of course not bc according to him... it's not like they were together or anything except oh wait yes they were that's right.

_so as mentioned. she went to the bn today. um today...today was tues. so at 2:10 she printed things out then she got ready at 2:40. she left a note stating she'd left at 3:20 but she actually left at 3:30 cause by the time she got downstairs and had left the note it was 3:30. so she went and took out her trash she was so glad to have her long winter coat w/ her. and . she went to safeway. doesn't remember anything of significance happening. uh so then she went onto wal mart. oh so she went to buy a bowl and she discovered she didn't have enough. so she didn't feel like waiting and she was already irritable. and so she left and the weirdly friendly partonising asian [and to be clear she doesn't have anything against asians. she just didn't like this one in particular] was 'you don't want this?' and the MC's 'no'. and so she went and counted her turns out she actually had enough. so she went and this time there was a different self checkout lady. she got the bowl. so all this when she was at the self checkout the first time the asian lady was 'there's one open...' and the MC's like 'i know i'm not stupid. but you know you want to be that person'. that again is why she doesn't like self checkout attendants.

so then she went back to the home depot . when she was standing in an aisle a clerk asked 'are you doing alrite?' and she went 'yeah' rather shortly and also like she was annoyed which she was. um doing alrite regarding what, exactly. they really should ask 'do you want help?' as that's more specific. she wasn't looking for anything. so they shouldn't waste their time or their breath.

oh it rained today.

so that was pretty much it from what she today.

_so . well mon. was kindof odd. her mom drove her back to the house but on the way they stopped at costco and then went to the subway by the store to have lunch. and then they had the meeting it seemed like a lot happened at the meeting well a few big things anyway.

so so so after that the lady asked if she the MC wanted her tv. and the MC's 'do you want it for something?' or something w/e it was she asked. and the lady's 'yeah.'. so she got and got the tv and moved it into her office which is also a bedroom which is also the doll rm. w/ the MC being in her room when the lady was.

so at 3:20 her mentor called and said she was cancelling. so after MC got ready and went to... went to the store where she got a bowl, printer paper, tea bottled tea and she went to starbucks.

_thurs. may 18th.

maybe. he never considerd her .not in that way in the way dean martin sings about. no it was kindof like. although [ literally of course.]. but it was kindof like he was her boss and she was a...she was a prostitute or something. and it was his body [and literally] to do w/ what he wanted. but that's the thing is it wasn' it never had been. she never wants to belong to anyone like that .

so he her his but not in.a good way.

she doesn't have, scars or anything from , the rape. no why would she if she had it would've been easier for her to know less confusing. yes it would've been less confusing. but it also she 've um 'hit' her earlier then it had too.

_3:50 a.m.

she' again. this one's lasted almost 2.5 days as the last time she ate was tues. around 5. she can't feel her ft. and it's kindof scary she's a bit floaty too and she's then usual.

so yesterday she went to the store at 9 a. again. um where she bottled tea chai pb raspberry tea the nestea kind and...raspberry lemonade. and 3 more bowls. she had 2 hrs. left so after she was done she stopped by starbucks and sat for a bit then went into subway then back to the she didn't feel like sitting and is fine. so when she got back she went to sleep at 3:10 then woke up at 5:20 then slept untill 9:20.

_ fri. may 19th 10:20 p.m.

of course it was a parking garage. er in, a parking garage. public nudity is illegal here no matter the age. and went to a parking garage so no one would know. it's either that or...or someone's house. but where the fuk was everyone else? the other people who'd driven to the parking garage then left their cars there. she knows that, at times, parking garages are empty. well devoid of people anyway. but for some reason that, the most mundane normal like the weirdest thing to her.

she remembers the store they went to before. and that's why she has such a problem w/ that religion. even people mentioning it...even mentioning it herself. and it fits her.

and went to a parking garage then a mcd's or something and bought her soda.

_ it fits her that religion. as a feminist as a woman. not that she's looking to a religion or anything but if she were...it would be that she can't cause happened.

_from what she knows of that doesn't fit that religion. that particular religion is really.a belief in the connection to nature or something like they have dieties or a diety. [sp?] a female one.

_sun. may 21st

this morning when he'd called she'd told her friend a bit. he was drunk of course and she knew it wasn't a good time to tell him but she did it anyway cause she does stupid things like that. she didn't tell him what had actually happened. physical or sexual had happened. it's a weird thing to explain to somebody. it's like oh yeah she was sexually abused in the usual way. no didn't get v. far when she told him. evidently she wasn't ready to. she thought she was she thought she was ready to talk about this but maybe she isn't or something. as if it wasn't enough that she not even a month before she doesn't remember the date. a part of her...she wishes to god she was making this up but she's not. not bc she's that kindof person but a sense it's too horrible to be believed. they say truth is stranger then it can certainly be worse. she 'd been drunk when she'd told him. he was drunk though and that was the problem. she's fine though. she's really...this didn't happen to that it did. it couldn't've did. pretty ladies don't get sexually abused. no actually weirdly enough they do and it had little to do w/ her. it could've 17 yr. old out there. right yes just happened to be her.

_mon. may 22nd 1:40 a.m.

she feels like she's in mourning. well for what. she doesn't know, who she was before that day she doesn't know. before that was the person who'd been raped. and before then?

the person who never had been. untill she was 17.

_2:40 a.m.

when she'd been at the bn . she'd looked up that she was right it's just what she thought it was.

_she doesn't like the term 'victim'. but yes she thinks she was a victim of csa.

_her once told her she needs to talk then. and she had and still does. sure she might not be ready to but she needs to. she needs better friends. maybe her expectations were too high. or maybe. she's just having a hard time w/ this. no but she is. she's in denial of course she is. maybe it was luck. since it just happened happen to her. sure not good luck [well obviously] but yeah.

_she was can't handle something of this magnitude. it's too big and too heavy. she's fine actually except she's not. she's to being used to things. the fact that she was talking about being is actually a good sign. she'd read that. it's when people stop that there's a problem. it's like w/ drinking although w/ drinking it's both. she doesn't have anything to do it w/ she just wants out. but even if she got wouldn't be forever. she wants out of this godamn decorating scheme. if she's motivated to leave 's not severely depressed. but she is. she doesn't know.

her friend the one who'd left when she was least she didn't have to live w/ what happened to her. but the MC does. everyone's like 'good to see you' and they love what about what she wants?

yes exactly. what about what she wants. well she knows she wants out. people make it about them not her even hasn't left. and she's done the same thing. it's like. they don't know how to handle depression and don't know what it means. she thinks they don't know how to handle it.

she doesn't want to be the person who pressures others into staying. if they don't see any other way out. or they're in a situation where they don't have another option. she kindof gets it. and the more selfish thing is keeping them here. she has another option she left none of it would keep repeating for her. and it's like a record that constantly goes and goes and it never stops. and she wants it to. forever.

if they invented a vaccine that does what pills do. that a person would only take once a month and it helped their depression. or ptsd or w/e. then yeah she'd take it. pot helps a lot. but there are limitations w/ pot and limitations w/ maybe. she just doesn't want to feel better.

someone who has depression is already under pressure w/ all that heaviness and all that weight. and someone. actually talking to them about what they want or don't of listening. only adds to that weight. what if people w/ depression. actually just want to be listened to. instead of being told 'oh i'm so glad you're here' or 'i'd be so sad if'. ...it's a bit suffocating. it's like...it's like piling on blankets when a person is already warm enough. please stop w/ the fuking blankets. it's not about the other person. they're not the ones w/ depression. er well actually maybe they are.

she doesn't thnk most people know how to actually do that. to listen. she can't tell her psych. how she really feels bc of her thing w/ privacy. and yet she's the one who would actually listen. but then it goes back to the privacy thing. and it's this whole damn cycle. people are so hell bent on fixing things in this country.

no one ever says to someone w/ cancer 'well just go outside' or 'take meds' or shit. but w/ depression. as though it's that fukin simple. people don't like depressed people. well. actually they might like the person themselves but part of them. people don't like addicts either.

or homeless people.

they're somehow wrong or shunned or w/e bc they're an addict or depressed or some people are homeless. like they're not allowed to be among the public like they're like they're freaks. sideshow acts...but they don't make a living off of being different. that's the difference. no in fact some of them are so depressed that they can't make a living. they actually can't. same w/ addicts. like that is their life and it's consuming.

but. they all survive w/ sharp edges. sometimes they're just hidden. and you see is the fukin razor you find out it covers the rose.

people don't like misery.

they're sideshow acts nobody wants to see.

_the thing that parking garage. she didn't say anything about it she didn't know what it was. she didn't know what the term for 'that' was. so even if she'd said something. it wasn't known as that by .at the time.

whereas w/ her friend. she recognised her depression as that maybe. it actually was.

_ yesterday when she'd called her friend and told made it about she wanted to make it about her. and yeah she does wish he'd listened.

_3:30 a.m.

love for sale. that was the theme of her mom's choir's cabaret thing. they weren't actually selling love cause that would be also prostitution. but that doesn't make sense to her...oh wait maybe they meant making love. 'making love', as though it's something they're manufacturing. but prostitutes don't sell love they sell sex. but maybe some of them fall in love w/ their clients. she'd never asked them that.

so among the songs. was halleluah. and god she loves that song. it was sung by the gay men's chorus. when they [she her mom] were going up the stairs into the rm they [the gmc] were doing warm ups and they were warming up w/ that song. and that's the thing music makes her feel stuff. maybe her depression was getting better. or. well...

the theme was love in general. it's like the song says she believes in a thing called love. in all its many forms. one of the. host people well he was gay himself. and he told this difficult story about what had happened to him in college. but now...he'd chorus and these people. what happened to him will always be there. when they song everyone got quiet. the so appreciative of everyone coming out to see the people perform. and to really get what love meant. in its many forms. to show that and to celebrate that and to just be there. that presence that company. in the presence of people interacted w/ each other. that's the only difference.

love for sale. but actually no not really.

mon. may 22nd 8:30 p.m.

so was mon. which meant she had mentoring. she woke up at 1:20 then again at 2:20 and called the bus people. she had to repeat herself and she doesn't like doing this so she told the bus lady 'it's a school...' and the bus lady is 'right. but what's the street?' which is exactly why she said the thing about the so she wouldn't have to keep repeating herself.

she had mentoring. they went mcd's by the store then the store. um when they were at mcd's the guy didn't give her her change right away. and at the nothing all that interesting happened although she did get a lingerie bag. cause she doesn't like having certain clothes in the same bag and she doesn't lke loose clothes not in a lingerie bag.

um. it rained today yes again. oh after the store they went to the dispensary. where like everyone else had gone too.

and that was pretty much it.

wed. may 24th 12:50 p.m. midnight

her friend had called recently. they talked about quite a few things. they talked about sex and what people like don't like. and they talked about the holocaust well she did. she told him she was sexist and told him about the anne boleyn henry the 8th thing. um they talked about music a little bit and the night they met.

for some reason the subject of amsterdam came up oh right cause they were talking about sex and then that led to talk of prostitutes which, they have in amsterdam. she told him they had so many tulips there. in all colors or something. and then she said they'd gone to the anne frank house and it was so sad. and he wasn't sure who that was so she's 'she was the14 yr. old in the holocaust...' they talked a bit about brothers grimm. well she told him amsterdam was like out of brothers grimm it's so pretty there. she'd told him why she was sexist. and he told her he didn't like country music.

and the simpsons that they both liked the show. and gas stations oh right cause he was at 7 11 she thinks. at a time that was before 7 a.m. and after 11 p.m. so she's like 'then why's it called that?' and he says 'bc it used to be open from 7 - 11'.

when she was living in fl. she didn't like going to gas stations cause guys worked ladies did too. she doesn't think she's ever told anyone that.

oh they also talked about sleep. oh and he brought up the point that something about how. people aren't allowed to say fuk, on tv. like they can say 'making love'. or 'screwing'. or 'doing it'. or 'having sex'. but they're not allowed to say fuk. and not even in regards to that but in general.

oh and they talked about biology. and blood and musicals were brought up.

he was like 'd od'd on cough meds. so his mom took him to the mental hospital where, he didn't have a good experience.

_thurs. may 25th 1 a.m.

oh also. she said something about that she loves sleep or something. except when she's afraid to. and he told her how for a long time when he slept he didn't would just be black. and so he'd be scared to go to sleep. and so he became an insomniac. and then she said it's not so much that she's an insomniac as she's just nocturnal. though there was a time a couple yrs. ago when she had really bad insomnia.

so as mentioned. oh and they talked about biology. and blood and musicals were brought up. bc she was wondering if blood is what makes people recently she'd been thinking when she er...well she was thinking about something like that. and he's well it not only makes people warm but it keeps people warm. she asked if he likes musicals and he said some of them.

1:05 a.m.

at the end of their conversation this was when they were talking about sleep. and she was saying something about how she was done.

and he's like 'life is worth it' or something. and it's like 's not what she need from him. or from anyone. for once god for once. she would like him to tell me 'wow that sounds hard'. actually you her. verfukingbatim. and she's had this problem before w/ him so it's not like it's anything.

whether he's right or not isn't really the point.

like so don't you tell me that life is worth not worth something. cause that's not what this is about. no like fukin validate her. and she doesn't want anyone to talk about their personal feelings either regarding to make it about them.

ok. she has ptsd. she have depression. and was sexually abused in a parking garage a month or not even a month after she was raped when she was 17. the last lady she lived w/ threatened her her ex threatened her she was raped 3 times by the time she was 26. like ya know? of course she's depressed.

it sounded like a lot.

and at times a little too uneblieveable. and she just wants it to stop. the physical act of being raped has stopped. but not the memories. and she doesn't mean just stop for . she doesn't want the up down anymore. things get better and then they don't things get better and then they don't things you get the picture.

like of course it's a permanent solution. that's the whole fukin point. she knows she can change the record but she doesn't want to change the record. cause then it'll be another one. she doesn't want the records cause they keep going. she doesn't mean this literally btw.

sure pot would help. a lot actually and she's seriously considering buying a a vape pen one of these days. cause then you looks like a normal pen and she can smoke whenever she wants. and it's portable and light. gotta save up for it though.

but pot's really godamn potent.

and she doesn't have a problem w/ people doing it or having it. and the lady does rm. checks so...

and there's only so much she the MC can fit in her computer case. which is a place she doesn't look.

he thinks she's making excuses but the other part of it is her reality right now excuses or not. and that's why she doesn't like honesty.

she has has ptsd. she has anxiety. and yet she's not allowed to purchase her own weed. but i...

if anyone was a candidate for weed it was her. not officially but yeah.

she's going to ask her mentor more about the details of the rules. cause see she doesn't actually know much beyond that.

she's not being vague on purpose time. she doesn't know.

she guesses she's just...a bit defensive. like he's somehow er i don't know 'protesting' cause he doesn't like what she's doing. or not doing i guess. and maybe he is maybe this is way of saying 'i don't like that you're making excuses to not do something that would help'. and even if she was allowed to get it w/ that money...she doesn't want to spend all of it on weed.

he was insensitive. and she can get that way too so. particularly when she's emotional or going through something or...uh something like that. like no offense to your gender or anything but be insensitive be jerks. i'm not saying ladies are perfect either.

he didn't didn't give her what she something.

it sounded hard.

he's he's apparently not that great a listener at times. like he's really good at making her laugh really that. but the listening not so much.

other thing he told me this didn't actually upset her.

and he told her. 'i'd get you drunk but not so drunk that you couldn't escape if you wanted to' .

he respects the hell, out of her. so we got both sides.

she'd seen a cat tues. she loves cats it was on the sidewalk. i mean she saw it through the window when the lady was driving her back from the home depot area.

1:30 a.m.

she was thinking about like how would she do it.

and. well pills won't do it. unless it's benedryl and 't do that. she doesn't like guns she doesn't want it to be painful which jumping would be.

she's not gonna do it w/ drinking she just won't. cutting well...she's never cut that deep. and she doesn't know that she'd want to. also she has a weak stomach so.

and so really...she would do it not eating. i mean or milk. yeah apparently if ladies have 3 or more glasses of um milk a day 's not good for their mortality. like hey milk is good for people. um no no it's not depending. and actually although she doesn't like likes it for that reason. although it has protein in it so...there's that.

a person can actually some time w/o food. they won't live well but yeah.

and see. well so the last time she was raped. she was drunk. well she went to the bar and...hm 2 of her friends bought her a drink and then he bought her a drink so that's um...um 3. and she knows she must've bought 1 or maybe 2. and then we went back to her place and she got stoned.

so it was rape.

no. that's part of her point is it was. since she was too out of it to consent. and she remembers maybe like a month few wks. later. she told one of the bar regulars she had been the eagles singing guy.

and he was 'as i understand it there was nothing consensual about that night'.

also. of course the guy raped her. since she was drunk and too out of it to consent. that was the whole fukin point. she also was too out of it to leave but she shouldn't have to leave her own...where she was . if anyone should be the one to leave it should be him. which he did when he was done raping her. no not before he did it no of course not.

the last time she was this depressed she was in college.

and that was right when...

she realised it.

there isn't. like oh cause she's small or oh cause she was drunk or cause oh she come off as easy or cause ...i don't know! but yeah no. if anything those are all reasons not anything.

1:40 a.m.

she'd gone to the store yesterday. well rather she'd taken the bus to the store. so when she was about to exit, the bus these people got on it. like and again. it's like people don't understand how things work. ok people wait for the other people to exit before getting on or they should anyway. she'll do that.

so when she was at the the store she asked the lady if they had a rubber band as hers had just broke a bit before that. and she's like 'no but thank you' which seems like a weird response. like uh for what, exactly what's she thanking me for.

people have weird responses sometimes. yeah this one time.

this guy called her. and he'd had a wrong number so he's 'sorry' and then 'that's ok'. well i'm glad you think it's ok cause that was supposed to be her line. like he's the one that had the wrong number not her.

and so. other than the weird response from the bank lady it's like you uptight bitch. she hates people like that. they come off as all nice but then when you ask them something like that they're all uptight. over a rubber band of all things. like for fuk's sake. my god. life is so fukin absurd sometimes. as though they think they're better than everyone. they're not better but they're not any worse either. and here isn't a place where that usually happens.

so this one time when she was at the mall. she was at kona grill actually. and she asked to use the ladies' rm. cause. well obvious reasons.

and the lady went 'are you dining w/ us as well?' and she's 'no' and then she proceeded to tell her where one is. well she knows where one is she's not stupid. but ya know. that's fine. that's why she never tell people things like that. is cause they're not. if they want to know they can ask. she hates it when people insult her intelligence. oh she also hates being patronised by the way. um anyway. yes uptight people.

1:50

or. if someone were to ask her 'what do you do?' 'i don't.i have depression' and then they'd probably go 'what about taking meds?'. well again that's not what she's looking for from people.

also. that insults her intelligence.

she's not looking for anyone to solve it or to tell her how to solve 's validation.

she used to think of to it as 'the violation' which i guess in a way it parking garage thing. and then over time it became the parking garage incident. she just felt like 'the violation' was such a vague thing.

2:10 a.m.

as stated she feels like she's in mourning.

she was thinking about that for and the why and all that.

like. maybe she's in mourning feels like she is anyway.

cause...like what was taken away from her the day she was sexually abused besides well the obvious. was the opportunity to not have been so soon after the rape. cause it quickly. ok well she never wanted, to be let me make that clear. but i mean.

but the opportunity .

cause there wasn't much time. and. oh something else awful. when she was in college she was sexually harrassed.

and the thing doesn't know if it was when she was 19 20 or 21. so she doesn't have .time reference point. it could've been 2 yrs. or 3 or 4 she doesn't really now.

that's the other the time was taken away from just the opportunity but also the recover. and when she moved back here...well i mean here in denver when she moved back to denver.

and then when she was then 25...and it didn't stop untill she was 26. well i mean it was once 24 and 25 but.

but when she was 27 the lady like i maybe she was 28 anyway. and then...after that...well that was the last time anything like that's happened.

no it sounds unbelieveable i does to her too.

she's almost frustrated as hell that she' here. but also amazed. but frustrated as hell cause please for the love of god somebody just.

but no one will cause that's not something people ask others.

and that's, unethical. a lot of people it is. and it's not hospice but it's kindof like that.

she wants hospice she wants her emotions...to be comfortable if that makes sense. cause that's what they do in.

the other way she would want to go her sleep. that way she has, no idea. if she on morphine forever and but still be able to things she already does but just be on this constant stream of morphine.

she'd actually be comfortable same w/ weed.

she'd want it to be, private and w/ hospitals it's not. she doesn't do public things like that. she'd actually thought of calling but.

w/ her privacy thing.

thing w/ not eating 's really godamn uncomfortable and she can't sleep so even that discomfort. but, the high comes 's like a drug. that she doesn't have to pay for that no one has to document. ya know. it's, her own drug that has inside her. and, she gets so small and her hip bones get so 're like razor blades cutting her from the inside.

and, no one else is gonna do it, so.

of the things stopping actually you know going through w/ someone she knows her son, offed himself and he was was recently.

it's, a strange inconvenience knowing that. a part of her wishes she didn't care and she didn't have ties to anybody but, she does. and, that's also an inconvenience.

she doesn't to stop her.

It was Wed. Aug. 2nd 7:40 p.m. Belle was tired physically and otherwise moreso than usual. She um. She was still waiting for the damn fire drill to happen. Yesterday the lady said she'd do it tom. Which is now today. And that she'd do it in the afternoon. So to belle that meant in between when she woke up and 2 which was when they left. Well the lady was on her phone so. She doesn't particularly like, fire drills but she doesn't like waiting for them even more.

um. so today. She went to the diner which she calls joe's grill even though that's not what it's actually called. She sat there and got water w/ lemon. She looked through the menu to see someday what she'd want. And they had fries, hash browns, cake and chips and salsa. And margaritas and rum and coke. The only thing she got was water. W/ lemon. The lady asked her twice what else she wanted. And at least once belle told her 'i'm good w/ water'. And then a few mins. later this other guy came over and asked her the same thing. And she again said she was good w/ water. Ok pushing her more isn't gonna help. She thought 'oh i'll go and have water for an hr. And no one will bother me'. Um no. And the guy poured the water for her. Um she can do it herself. He probably does that for everyone but still. They always pour it way too full. Like how many times does she politely have to tell them 'no' untill they get it?

So then she went to mcdonald's where she got a cup for water. Which to her means an empty cup to put water in. But they gave her one that already had water in. Which she dumped out and filled w/ the sweet tea they have there. The tea wasn't...it wasn't up to par.

Oh so then after that she went to taco bell and asked what a chorizo was or what it meant or something. They had trouble w/ hearing her and she hates repeating herself so she went 'i can write it down...'. Well it's beef.

So went down iliff.

it was s sun. aug. 6th 3:50 p.m. a few mins. ago the lady had come into her rm. [well belle was there] to install a new blinds handle. well when the lady was talking about it she said 'i'll have to get a new track' only belle heard 'crack' and so she thought there was a crack, in the rod thingy. and then the lady said it 5 more times and belle is thinking 'yes i know. turn that record over lady'. oh so before that belle got her rm. people ready which she doesn't like doing.

so earlier. she watched. 'walk to remember'. and other than the beginning scene that's actually a boring movie. like nothing else really happens untill halfway through. also mandy moore's character isn't a v. exciting person. it's the only movie she has based on a book by nicholas sparks aren't 2 stories 2 couples an older and a younger. oh so she also watched part of 'the notebook'. she likes that movie the music. rachel mcadams is screechy in that movie. but she was screechy in 'time traveler's wife' also that's just her way. oh she also watched part of 'benjamin button'. the, the movie. that's a beautiful movie. the time period and the music and the lighting. and the story as well she thinks.

so yesterday was sat. she. ...oh she'd gone out. well first she went to best buy to ask about her comp. charger. well she wasn't going there to ask how to fix it. [apparently all she had to do was switch outlets in her power strip which had she given herself time to think about it she would've realised herself. that should be her new goal give herself time to think about such things.]. so it was just a waste of her time. um. no she had a v. specific plan in mind of going in and getting a new charger. why the fuk else would she ask the lady about the money? just for the hell of it? no. really it's that hard to put all that together? well it must be. and belle's plan was 'we're going to go in and get a new charger'. and that would be it. well that didn't happen. and the wants a new charger is bc she doesn't want to use the one her dad fixed for her. that's the reason she doesn't use her hair dryer. [well it wasn't broken. it was one of those collapsible ones. that she thought was broken bc she again doesn't think she gave herself time to unfold it herself.].

so yeah. being at best buy was a waste of her time.

so. after which. she went home depot area where she went to wendy's. the lady again thought when belle said 'value fries and soda' she thought only the soda was value. and belle went 'no value'. like godamn. maybe she should start writing these things down. cause apparently nobody knows what the hell she's talking about. um being at wendy's took forever. she had to wait for the people to get away from the refreshment station before she got her soda and ketchup. oh and then. well there was a bench booth thing by the window. and she wanted it all to herself but someone else was sitting there. so she moved to the round .

so after went to southlands where she went to the bn where,nobody greeted her. she was actually looking for a book on brandon teena. she looked in the psychology/dating section to,no avail. and then she looked in the biography section to avail. oh although while there she looked for a book on bill wilson to once again no avail. so she walked around for a bit. and then she asked a blonde helper lady where their books on transexuality were. and she had missed something cause they were in the african american is weird. mainly bios. the lady mentioned a great book by this laura grace woman. belle felt uncomfortable asking a guy helper person where those kinds of books were/are. like not that she's trans [and they don't ask. they never do] but it was . er would've been.

so while at the bookstore she read part of girl int. and um...white oleander. she didn't get v. far in either. and then she was all inspired to write poems well a poem based on a line or 2 in white oleander. so then she thought of getting napkins to write the poems on. but then nothing happened regarding that.

after which. she left and went and explored an area where michael's, a bank and del taco were. she was actually looking for long john silver's which she didn't find. one day she will. oh she went into michael' look for a zipper a purse zipper. which she didn't find. so it was a day of not finding things. and which she went across the st. and went to noodles and got lemon water. she likes it there. when she was at wendy's she should've gotten a large soda lid for the lemon water cup. but then she'd be carrying it around w/ her. and forget why she had it. a lady who'd just gotten a tattoo was in there w/ her friend.

and then she went back to the home depot area. to home depot. where she called the lady early. also she was cold so.

and that was pretty much her .

_so on was well fri. and the 4th. she um was at her mom's. oh her her sister had lunch together they went to noodles. um. then she went out. she went to...whole foods and got chai 2 bottles. and later she went to starbucks where she got their choc. loaf. she'd been wanting choc. lately.

um so. oh after her time at her mom's and being out and all . took the bus to walgreen's where the guy just dropped her she was ok w/. she told him 'i'm just gonna wait here' indicating the bench outside. the guy's 'ok'. it was the bus driver she liked the quiet one w/ the dark hair and glasses. so then she went into into walgreen's into their little entrance area. and called the lady told her she was at walgreen's. and that she was inside cause it was raining. and the lady's 'ok' and then 'they dropped you off again?'. uh yeah. not a problem for belle. so the guy came. and he told her he was getting something but that the truck was open. and so belle's 'ok' and went and got her stuff in the truck.

and then they went back to the house.

so on thurs. which was the 3rd. she had her appt. the lady was 5 mins. late which isn't a huge amount. she was on her phone. and um. so after the appt. belle her mom went to panera. and then she went out. she went to whole foods and got chai. and went to starbucks and got a brownie.

it was. tues. aug. 8th 8:20 p.m.

belle was still waiting for the lady to give her her money. and she also needed to talk to someone about yesterday.

so earlier the mailman had come he didn't look like a typical mailman in blue w/ the safari hat...or w/e. belle let the lady answer the door saying 'well it's your house'. it's more that belle won't interact w/ people than. stupid safety. so she thought she'd gotten her check in the mail. and if she had godamn how long does iit it take to cash a fukin check? well apparently for the lady quite some time. the lady hadn't said anything about it and belle, never asks.

so. well she went to the actually she went to walgreen's and then the store. on her way she called the bus people finally got through. it was a 20 min. phone call. oh she also took out her trash. then she went to starbucks where she sat down outside for a bit. which reminds her... and then onto the store then to the bank then to the dollar store [well it's really family dollar] then back to the store. it took her forever to decide what to get. she actually was going to get a pb cookie they're .50 each but they didn't have a bar code thing and 't like talking to people. she'd considered getting a muffin but they're 1.20 and also she didn't know how good they'd be. and she has 1.50. and she also wanted a beverage so. she ended up getting a luna bar [apparently they don't tax those] and um this straberry strawberry banana juice...stuff. it was .48. she went to starbucks and had them both it was cold in there so she didn't stay long.

so after went down actually she took the bus down iliff to chambers went she stopped in the dollar store for a second only to 's not the one she'd been thinking of. then she stopped in the irish bar for a second and went and waited for the bus. while she was waiting another lady was she was driving belle kept moving. it's like will you stop? god. also she was in belle's LOS so.

oh also. when the other people were exiting the bus the lady was right in their way.

so belle caught the bus back to the in the ladies' rm. she ate a sandwich someone had left there. it was in its container in a shopping basket on top of the toilet. thanks bitch. nice to know how inconsiderate some people 's great. there were 2 of them the sandwiches. lettuce w/ cheese and black forest were good. she got ready had 20 mins. after getting ready. and then she went outside waited called the lady and they went back. the lady was on her phone in the doesn't bother belle. when the lady's done w/ her phone calls she'll say 'alrite' or sometimes she'll just stop talking. so other than her saying 'alrite' when she's done it's hard for the MC to tell whether or not the lady's still on the phone. she asked the lady 'what did Lily say?' lily being the new financial lady. well the lady hadn't heard from Lily and told belle that she'd prefer for her belle to call her. since it's about her. and belle's thinking 'but i'm not a phone person' so... that probably won't happen for awhile. the lady also asked if her dr. [she meant her dental hygenist not her dr.] had talked to her about this...oral...thing. and to belle when someone asks a yes or no question she's going to answer w/ yes or no. and belle was 'yeah'. and so the lady went 'do you want to talk to your mom about it?' 'idinno...'. no belle knows. and no she doesn't want, to. ok never ask her that when it comes to things like that. she's also not planning to bc ignorance is bliss so. frankly she wishes the hygenist hadn't even told 'd be a lot better off if she hadn't heard. but hey if someone wants to be that person then that's cool.

so earlier. the lady had left belle a note saying she'd take her to the store at 2. um well on week days belle knows they're going at that's really not neccessary. she also was going to hand belle her ebt card. um if belle had wanted it she would've said so in a note that hard to figure out.

and that was pretty much her day.

it went much better than yesterday which she was hoping for. it was less cold and also she was being driven, to places. places where there are sidewalks.