I'm sitting here shaking.
I've lost all words.
My head hurts, I'm seeing spots and I feel sick.
It's been like this for days now.
Why, you ask?
When you've been through the shit that I've dealt with the past week, you go through stuff like this.
No better way to put it.
What a funny concept.
A friend is someone you build a relationship with.
Someone you trust,
Experience things with,
Someone who has your back like you have theirs.
Someone who knows they can count on you for the truth even when they may not want to hear it.
Someone who you may disagree with but you know will always be on your side and never stab you in the back.
Was she ever my friend?
How does one explain months of interactions in a few pages?
How does one explain the agony, stress, lack of sleep, and overall wounded-ness?
When rooming with someone it is important to set up boundaries in the beginning.
That is the main thing I have learned from all of this.
It is important to be selective.
Another thing I have learned.
Curfews, groceries, chores, how many guests you can have, how many nights your partner can stay.
These are all things that should be discussed and agreed upon.
There is nothing wrong with wanting to impose some rules in order to maintain a sense of sanity for you both.
It is not an act of mothering, as some might think,
But instead a matter of not wanting some stranger in your own house at all hours of the night.
Here's the thing:
If you respect me I will respect you in return.
No strings, nothing fancy.
I'd rather us act like adults than children.
But when I come to you with concerns,
Asking you to compromise,
And you first agree to said requests, then proceed to break them…
We have a problem.
I have sleep problems.
Have had them ever since I was a child.
So while you're busy fucking your boyfriend with no concern of the fact that I'm in the next room,
And its two a.m.,
We have a problem.
When I ask you to maybe have your boyfriend leave around midnight because I have to get up now at 7 a.m. every day for school, I think I'm making a pretty decent request.
Especially when you consider:
He's here every day
He stays until 1 or 2 a.m.
He eats our food
He showers and uses our water
He uses our wifi
He uses our tv
And you know, I might not have as much of a problem with that if it weren't for the fact that:
He is 25 years old with no job
He lives at home
He does not live with us even though you insist on having him over every day
He does not pay me rent
He's still in college
He is lazy
He has been "applying to jobs" for 3 or 4 months now
I could give a shit about how much he supposedly loves you.
When you lay out the facts pure and simple,
No distorted sense of reality,
The truth becomes clear.
How can someone be so blind to this?
How can someone lose all common sense and submit to stupidity because they love someone like this?
How can someone be so naïve, foolish, immature?
It's not even frustrating anymore.
It's just plain sad.
There's only so many times that one can try to shine the light on the truth,
I tried and it ended up being like I was talking to a brick wall.
Yes, I was out of line sometimes,
Yes, I lost my temper.
But do you see how this could happen?
No of course you don't,
You're "in love".
And I put it like that because the kind of love you're in is the kind of love I never want to experience.
Sick type of love.
That's not love.
And I makes me sad that you think it is.
Any kind of love that demands that you see your significant other
is no kind of love at all.
The fact that you have to validate your love in that way is unhealthy, immature, and ridiculous.
I know we had our rough patches but I thought we might be able to salvage something.
You are beyond reason and I'm done trying.
You are immature, disrespectful and reckless and I'm done dealing with you.
You are inconsiderate, overdramatic,
You let your emotions get the better of you,
You are arrogant, naïve, and fail to listen to those who once cared about you.
You run people over when you think they're wrong or you ignore them for two days.
You agree to things and then go back on your word.
You bring people into my home and let them "live" there when I've repeatedly asked you to cut back some,
I'm not trying to be your mother,
God forbid, you think I want that?
I'm just trying to impose a little structure in the place I too call my home.
Don't forget who asked you to move in,
Don't forget who helped you,
Who got tattoos & piercings with you,
Who held you when he hurt you,
Who listened to your rants and gave you advice.
Don't forget who bought you food,
Who let you not pay as much when times were rough,
Who talked about depression and suicide with you,
Who tried to tell you things that you maybe didn't want to hear but only because of concern.
Don't forget whose name is on that fucking lease.
You think this has been hard on you?
Try stepping into my shoes for once.
If you can even do that.
I can't wait until you leave.
You felt unsafe when I threw your stuff in your room?
I felt unsafe every time your boyfriend came over.
You felt threatened because I cut up three pictures?
I felt threatened every time you agreed to something and then blew it off.
You felt the need to call the police on me?
I've felt the need to call the police on him for months now on account of him basically living there without contributing.
You felt the need to vent to all of our coworkers about our personal, home life?
I'll be sure to tell them what really happened, instead of your overly-dramatized, exaggerated story.
You want to do what you want for the remainder of your time in my apartment?
I'll do what I want too then.
And the day you leave I'll throw a party.
I'll take your keys and change the locks.
Anything you leave behind once you're gone will get thrown in a bonfire.
We'll see each other at work and I'll overhear you venting about your horrible issues and I'll smile and thank god that I no longer have to put up with your bullshit.
Children vent about their issues at work.
This whole thing has been a learning experience and I'm left hoping that you do get accepted into that apartment, I hope he does get that job.
Just so you can leave.
After that I hope you crash and burn.
Anyone who does what you've done to me is no friend of mine.
All contact with you outside of work will be gone.
I don't care if you move out and he leaves you.
I don't care if you get pregnant and you end up moving back home.
I don't care if you get married and then get divorced.
I did once.
Now that I feel I've tried everything,
As someone who was once your friend,
As someone who once cared about you,
I've realized the only way for you to learn at this point is if I stop trying.
Instead I'll sit back.
And watch as you learn the hard way how stupid choices affect your life.
You're beyond reach.
So enjoy it while it lasts.
This whole thing just makes me sad for you.
Too bad I no longer care.