U2 "TOTALLY TERRIFIED," CANCELS ST. LOUIS CONCERT

This is just an Onion style news article on U2 canceling their St. Louis concert due to violent protests in September 2017. I am not making fun of the protestors. I am only attacking U2 because they are old, totally fake and their music sucks. Please comment nicely!

"This is not about me," aging U2 front man Bono proclaimed on Sunday night, tearfully announcing the cancellation of the Irish rock band's St. Louis show. "This is about protecting our image . . . I mean our audience! We're protecting our affluent white audience from a very unpleasant situation."

For the twenty-seventh time this year, white police in the Midwestern city of St. Louis shot a black man for no reason. The usual riots and demonstrations followed, but U2 front man Bono says "this time it's different. This time the rich people who buy our CD's are in imminent danger from poor people who don't know who we are and don't even care!"

During the heated press conference, Bono produced an aging, tattered photograph of Nelson Mandela which he stroked and touched ritualistically throughout his remarks. "I used to love going to Africa," the aging rock god soulfully reminisced. "I love the feeling of getting a bunch of starving children around me, giving out food and water. It's the ultimate spiritual experience. And it's also a great photo op!"

"But there's nothing spiritual about blacks who aren't children, and aren't starving. Blacks in America are different from the ones in Africa. When I think of all the great publicity I've gotten . . . I mean, when I think of all the lives we've touched, I feel really sad. Because like they say, it can't happen here."

"Of course we could just beef up security, and give the concert anyway, but what message would that send? Just imagine an aging white superstar, singing about racial brotherhood to an all-white crowd, in a stadium heavily guarded by white security, with a ton of angry black people right outside. Someone white might get hurt and then I'd have to condemn black violence . . . and I'm totally terrified of what that might do to my image!"

At the close of the press conference, Bono watched with tears in his eyes as bodyguards cleared a path to his private jet by stomping a young black news reporter to death.