Dearest Rosaline, the love of my life...

Hell fucking no, Sally. Did you really think I'd be stupid enough to do this?

I know you're going to read this anyway. Don't even bother denying it, you're literally holding it and reading it right now. I'm not stupid.


Romaine A.M. Germaine.

Dear Sally,

This idea is stupid and I think it's pretty obvious I'm not going to go through with it.


Dearrrrr Rosaliiiiine,

Seriously, Sally. No amount of arguing with me will convince me to write heartfelt letters to the long gone love of my life. It's just not feasible.

Hi, Sally, You Twit

Have you gotten the message yet?

You might have thought that I was depositing a bunch of letters for Rosaline, but really, you'll find out that if you read the rest of them, they're just pieces of paper onto which I have copied Old Spice commercial quotes.

Love youuuu,



i know ur still reading the letters, just a little faster cuz ur mad. not my fault u proposed this.

sally is a cobra with opposable thumbs

powerrrrr in a can

hello ladies look at your man now look back at me now back at your man now back at me. sadly he isn't me but if he stopped using ladies scented body wash and switched to old spice he could smell like he's me. look down back up where are you? you're on a boat with the man your man could smell like. what's in your hand, back at me. i have it, it's an oyster with two tickets to that thing you love. look again, the tickets are now diamonds. anything is possible when your man smells like old spice and not a lady. i'm on a horse.

dearest sally

have you perchance gotten the point yet?

Dear Romaine Anne Marie Germaine,

Alright, you win. I half-hoped to be able to promote self-actualization and improvement then discreetly snoop on your progress, and you caught me and berated me and forced me to read an entire paragraph about scented body wash. You win, I will not read any of the letters anymore, and I shouldn't have anyway without asking for your permission. That was incredibly rude of me and an invasion of your privacy and trust.


PS. I only read one letter.

P.P.S. It was the Old Spice one.

P.P.P.S. I haven't read anything else but considering the fact the first letter I read was definitely spam, I'm fairly sure the rest of your letters were just angry rubbish mocking and comically nicknaming my mole, which I will remind you is but an innocuous birthmark. Either that or they're all about Old Spice cause that's what you REALLY wanted to theoretically discuss with your Rosaline and I'm making a terribly off assumption.


I would never make fun of your birthmark. Why would I ever do something like that?


Aw, geez, thank you :)

You're right. I suppose I can trust you not to. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive my snooping.

ill forgive u if u really only read one letter.

I did. I promise I'm not lying about it.


:) Sooo, are you going to start writing real letters to your real sweetheart tomorrow? I swear I really won't I promise pinky please promise I won't check to see if you actually did. I'll just give you the benefit of the doubt and not snoop. Sound good? :D

No I will not.

Ughhhh, okay, fine, it was worth a try.