As Phil Ochs prefaced his 1965 song of the same title, "In every American community there are varying shades of political opinion. One of the shadiest of these is the liberals." No matter who we are and where we live, just about all of us have been so unfortunate as to encounter this deceptively dangerous creature. The venomous liberal can be identified by its preference of a thoroughly violent system to the slightest hint of a violent resistance. It can also be recognized by any of its numerous mating calls, some of which include, "Why are you yelling at me, I'm on your side!" "You're not going to win anyone over to your cause with that tone," and "You just don't like people with different opinions." Here, then, is a lesson in respectability and relativism:

I cried when I saw the film Gandhi.
I admire his nonviolent way.
And when racial tensions resurface,
I'm the first one to quote MLK.
But those BLM thugs have it coming;
Gandhi never blocked the freeway.
So love me, love me, love me,
I'm a liberal.

Tina Fey and Trevor Noah
Sure know how to stick it to the Man.
But that Killer Mike's just making trouble,
Although I am no Reagan fan.
If you want your opponents to listen,
You've gotta be as polite as you can.
So love me, love me, love me,
I'm a liberal.

I oppose all those wars in the Mid-East
But things were different back in '03.
I'll never forget nine-eleven;
What happened in '73?
And don't ever speak ill of this country
Or I'll assume you must hate being free.
So love me, love me, love me,
I'm a liberal.

I cheered when Clinton was chosen,
My faith in the system reinforced.
We showed that radical Sanders
That party loyalty always comes first.
And if you've got a problem,
You're a sexist and probably worse.
So love me, love me, love me,
I'm a liberal.

I proudly proclaim, "Not my president!"
Because Drumpf does not speak for me.
How could anyone vote for that asshole
Who brags about grabbing pussy?
And they cry about Clinton's emails,
But her worst was just minor slavery.
So love me, love me, love me,
I'm a liberal.

Now I call on all third party voters
To break down their partisan walls.
It's important to stand together,
Though we stand for nothing at all.
But I'll never miss an occasion
To remind them that it's all their fault!
So love me, love me, love me,
I'm a liberal.

I believe in coexistence,
Just check out the sticker on my bong.
And if you chant "Blood and soil,"
I'll Tweet about how you are wrong.
But don't conflate me with those violent Antifas,
Who've been fascists themselves all along.
So love me, love me, love me,
I'm a liberal.

When Trump says "both sides," I'm outraged,
But when WaPo says it, they're right.
Those anarchists say "anti-fascist,"
But what they mean is "just picking a fight."
I don't like what those nazis are saying,
But I'll defend to your death their right!
So love me, love me, love me,
I'm a liberal.

I want to see change just like you do,
But we must keep order in our streets.
These rioters make our side look bad.
Why can't they just write a thinkpiece?
You need to learn violence solves nothing,
And that's why I'm calling the police.
So love me, love me, love me,
I'm a liberal.