October 27th–28th, 2017.
I think one of the hardest things about penning thoughts onto paper, or in this case typing thoughts onto a keyboard, is moving past the social stigma that all men are supposed to be super strong warriors, whose heart and soul is iron-strong and unwavering in the blatant face of danger and destruction, whether it be emotional or physical damage.
The worst thing about that ideology is the reactions you will receive once something devastating actually happens to you. At least, in my instance, it was being in a sexually abusive relationship my freshmen year of high school.
It was hell, yeah, I won't lie, but the second worst thing about it was the fucking stupid idiots I decided to indulge with and confide in.
The wonders that did for me, I'll tell you.
It's one thing to get the occasional "Oh, how shitty that must have been." and then having the topic dropped, but it was an entirely different thing to hear "Wow, you faggot, I would have loved to be in your position! Blowjobs and making out daily, what a life!"
Fuck you, just fuck every single person with that mindset. Fuck everything about that toxic and vile mindset. How fucking dare you weigh in on my life and being sexually assaulted by someone I thought I could trust on a regular basis?
That's fucking dumb, and yes I'm swearing profusely, like I just discovered the word and am trying to fit it into every fucking sentence like it makes me mature and a better author and/or not confused and anxiety-ridden.
It's how I cope, and the better I get that across, the better I get my idea across, I guess.
Switching back to the original idea, with that being sexual assault, I think partly it was the shame and embarrassment that I was letting a girl infinitely smaller and less menacing than a freshly shaven poodle bully me and harass me to the point of just mental exhaustion and just snapping like a twig.
A stupid, immature, defenseless twig.
It's genuinely hard trying to differentiate what my feelings are anymore and what I'm attempting to convince myself anymore.
I don't know, I really don't.
The relationship lasted roughly November-ish until February of 2014-2015, making that my freshman year of high school. I'm a youngster, I know, sue me.
You may not relate to my story or struggles as a young man on a deep, spiritual level, or you may have gone through something far worse, but that's not the point. I think everyone can understand the betrayal and mental (and physical) scars that it can leave behind.
I still haven't told my parents, or family for that matter, about what happened, and you may ask (and rightfully so) "Hey, HP (initials of my pen name), that doesn't make any sense, how did they not know what you went through? You're a big fat PHONY!"
I guess all I can say to that is that I have nothing to gain from lying to a bunch of strangers online, and that I also lied to my parents about what I was doing most of the time.
It was basketball season, and saying "I have basketball." was enough to convince them about letting me go do fuck all, I guess.
It's been tough, and it will probably be forever tough, not gonna lie, but it all gets better in the future, or at least I hope so, because I don't know how much longer I can stay under the storm clouds.
I guess that is where my fear of unwarranted contact stems from, and that only makes sense. Well, it's one of the reasons why I don't like non-consensual physical contact, the other I will probably cover in future entries.
Overall, would not recommend anyone get sexually abused or assaulted in any way, it doesn't feel good.
On a serious note, please, if you or someone you know has been sexually attacked, be there for them, whether you refer them to a licensed official, or if you stick by their side as they recover, they will honestly need it so, so damn much.
Trust me when I say that absolutely nothing will have prepared them for the level of psychological, mental, emotional, physical, shit any sort of thing like that, all of it will be damaged and scarred forever.
I have somewhat moved past it, but it still lingers every day.
"I'm useless." "I'm disgusting." "How could anyone love me, I'm used goods." "I'm weak, can't stand up for myself."
Shit sucks, trust me.
Okay, flow of thoughts has been ceased.
I promise that the large majority of entries will not be this dark, most will be pretty nuanced and minor aspects of my life, but every now and then you will get the serious ones like this entry.
Thanks to whoever reads these!