The Count's Dilemma

You know I often find it hard to be a vampire?

Never able to stroll in the sun.

Why as soon as your bright day is over,

My dingy one's only begun.

I must rise from my coffin at sunset

And most nights turn into a bat

And fly all over the country

Spreading terror and fear, things like that.

You know I often find it tough being a Vampire?

Especially when I think of the blood

Why all it takes is one look at the stuff

And the tears they come out in a flood.

Its not proper you see for a vampire,

A master of Evil and Night,

To bite someone's neck then feel guilty

And burst into tears at the sight.

You know I often find it cruel being a vampire?

Spending thousands of years all alone,

You know a girl did once give me her number

But t'was before they invented the phone.

Is it too much to ask for some friendship?

For a person not trying to flee?

I like to think I'm quite friendly

But the fangs and the cape's all they see.

You know I often find it hard to be a vampire?

Spending hours at work on my looks,

But you see I've got no reflection

So I have to use picture books.

Yes those cute little drawings and paintings

Where I'm pasty if of course debonair

That image is so very dark ages,

Trust me I know I was there.

You know I often find it sad being a vampire?

Makes me long for a stake through the heart

So many times I've returned someone's pitchfork

To be pelted with a hot garlic tart.

Alas that's the lot of a vampire

A dastardly lord of the dark.

But please don't let my tone fool you,

My bite is still worse than my bark!