If you were to ask me to describe grief in one word I could. Even in the midst of it. That word is Levelling. Grief affects us all. It is a human condition. Just as the death that causes it, we will all go there some day.
It doesn't matter about creed, colour, status, age. Death comes for us all in the end. And we shall all grieve for someone.
Grief is hard. Hard to go through, hard to understand, hard to explain. No matter who you are, how many times you've walked that path, it hurts. I wouldn't live forever if I had the choice. Life with out end isn't life, it's just existence. Just as pain and love, heartache and sorrow make us. Death and grief make us too.
If I could change it. I would ask for one more day. One more day with you. Because your story was too short, it was unfinished, and I didn't get to say goodbye. But in the end at least you're not suffering now. Your pain is gone, you're at peace, and with your mother again.
It's been 79 short hours since you left this world. And although my heart is broken I am trying not to be selfish. See before you left I know, for all you tried to hide it, I know you were in pain, I know that you were suffering. And it's okay that you're gone, I understand, it would be selfish to wish for one more day of your pain. In exchange for a moment to have said goodbye.
You were alone when you died. At least by normal human standards. But I know you weren't. I know you, you believed, I know that as your life drew to a close your mum will have been there, holding your hand and watching over her baby. That when you left this world you were welcomed into the next with a loving embrace no one had felt for a year. Just as when she left this world, we saw the same thing, we both saw her hand holding someone else's.
The thing that hurts me most I think. You were the only other person who saw her dying. You and me we watched her breathing slow and cease. You got the nurse, I listened to that last dying breath followed by silence. You knew what I saw, what I stopped my dad from seeing. You know if I could change one thing. I would have been with you at the end. I would have stayed with you, held your hand, I would have made sure you weren't in pain, that you could go peacefully. You didn't have to be alone by any standard, if we had known I would have been there.
Why did you have to be okay the night before? If you'd been ill the night before I would have had time, I could have got there, said goodbye, stayed with you waiting for God. I mean I know that there's no use living life on what ifs and maybes. But I just wish I could have been there for you.
Grief is hard. Clinging to one another in the storm, hoping no one loses their grip. But what's really hard, is reading the unfinished stories.