Crazy Ramblings of a Frustrated Author
Okay, so I think there's a few things that I need to get off my chest. I'm sorry to those that thought this was another story, but these things are what stumping my creativity lately. I'm hoping by getting them out, I can finally be free of these thoughts and the anger. I don't tell anyone else, because I think people will look at me weirdly. Well… more so than they do now.
So… here goes.
My first frustration is my overall health. As hard as I try, and as much as I want to, I find it impossible to stick to any sort of diet or healthy eating plan.
This also ties into what I'm about to rant about next.
A story about a guy… well, sort of. This rant is actually turning out longer than I thought… so enjoy I guess.
I do martial arts. Well, I try to… but my lack of motivation I think is what's getting me the most. Don't get me wrong, I love going and learning and pushing myself hard and being mad at myself when I can't get a move right, but its getting there that's the issue. And lately that motivation has now gotten worse.
Yes, I said it, idiot. Jackass. Whoever and whatever you want to call him. Dipshit…stalker…
My favourite lately has been little bitch.
But… hang tight. There is a very… veeery good reason why I'm calling him this. And I'll try and keep it as short as possible.
Idiot… let's call him that for now… was originally introduced to me by two of my friends. A couple.. whom I adore and I know they had the best of intentions, but… I felt at the start like I was being forced to like this guy. I mean… before I'd even met him, my female friend was saying how we were going to get married and have babies and all that.
Did I feel pressured? You bet I did.
I wasn't going to completely diss the guy though. I got to know him, and we became really good friends. Then… cam the dreaded question.
"Where are we going?"
I'd mulled it over for a while before this question, and realised that I always fall into one simple trap; the 'you like me so I should like you' trap. Of course, I've liked these people, but some deeper truth at the time made me realise I needed to get myself in a better position before I get into a relationship of any sort. Like or not, my needs had to come first.
"I'm not really ready for a relationship right now"
My answer. Of course, it was longer than that, but I prefer to not go into much detail. All in all no harsh words were said (instead a thousand apologies) and he seemed to understand…
Until about six months later.
The question came back. And… confused, I once again apologised as nicely as possible, and told him the same answer. I had also explained to him on both occasions it wasn't him at all. That I had to get somewhere with my life.
But… this is I think where it started to crumble.
I now felt like I had to hide who I hung out with, and was careful with my wording of certain things. I have other male friends who I hang out with, and I made sure to avoid, when I could, telling him who I was hanging out with. It started making me feel like I had to hide the real me, and hide my friends from him.
Although, I should have noticed when he started verbally attacking my other male friend. Lets call him A.
A and I had been in a relationship in the past, but had found each other again through chance. We talked it out and decided to stay friends. Which I loved, cause it meant I could see him and his kids again, and talk to someone who had seen the absolute worst in me, and still stuck around.
Every time I mentioned A to Idiot, Idiot would get quiet… almost like he was giving me the silent treatment. I'm pretty sure it was jealousy, so to avoid an argument, or even that "mood" again, I just wouldn't talk about A.
That should have been my first clue.
But… being the trusting person I was, I tried to keep this friendship going. I tried to make things good and happy and nice.
That's when it got worse.
One night, I mentioned an old friend of mine. She is single, but with a daughter. She is probably one of the sweetest girls I know, who deserves to be happy.
And… being the friend I was, suggested that they would be a great match.
Instead of a kind 'thanks but no thanks' I got the moody treatment again. He was quiet until the night ended, and we went back home.
An hour or so later, I got some not so nice messages. He basically told me that he was not interested in my friend and could never date a person with kids because it's complicated. Which I tried to understand, but the way he had said it was nasty, and I almost felt like he had an issue with my friend personally.
That's when that question popped up again. After him pretty much saying I was the only one he was interested in.
At this point I was getting sick of it. I put my foot down, told him no, not happening.
I honestly thought he understood by then.
Nope. Nope with a side of hell nope.
But… it didn't stop there.
Those incidents were just the start.
Every time I'd say something he didn't like, he'd go quiet until we parted ways, and then I would get a message later on explaining what I'd done wrong. To put it nicely.
And then… the attacks against A started again.
I tried my hardest not to get mad… to get upset… to seriously try and see where he was coming from. The last thing I ever wanted was to hurt someone. Even him.
I'll admit, I started attacking back in a sense. He didn't seem to like that.
Then… the real explosion.
I was talking to a guy from overseas a little. I'd met him on one of the facebook sites. We'd gotten to know each other, and even video chatted a few times (nothing dirty, seriously).
In all honesty I was really starting to like the guy. He gave me a nice feeling, and he was interested, or what I thought was interested. He was going to take a vacation to my country, and I was hoping to meet him. Of course, life has hiccups, so I wasn't too fussed when he delayed it.
My birthday. This year.
(Sorry if this is long guys… I've got a lot to get off my chest)
I got home from work, and was getting ready to go out. Idiot was taking me out to a movie, which I was happy to go see. Don't worry, I was paying for half of it.
In spite of a long day, I was happy, and even decided to straighten my hair and put make up on. Which, to the people who know me, is very, very rare.
Idiot was picking me up, but I wanted to have a quick chat to my American friend before I went out. We had chatted over messenger, but I kind of wanted him to see me all done up.
Yes, I wanted a bit of attention. I can be selfish sometimes.
As I was calling American dude, Idiot showed up, and somehow knocked my call to him out when he called to say he was here.
So I went to answer the door, telling him I wouldn't be long. I still had the phone in my hand as he went to greet our dogs, and I rushed back into my room.
American guy took that moment to call.
I gotta admit I was a little freaked, but answered the video chat.
He 'wowed' at me, and told me I looked pretty.
But at that moment, my friend walked into the room.
I could tell this was going to end bad.
I thanked American guy and said I had to go, that I'd talk later. We ended the convo and I looked up at Idiot.
Well, whaddya know? He had that look on again.
Thankfully, he didn't say anything more about it then, and we moved on to watch the movie and… what I thought… was enjoy the night.
I should have seen it coming. I really should.
I was at home, preparing to go to bed, when I got a message.
Yes, you got it folks. Idiot was mad. And he was taking his anger out on me.
You know why he was mad?
Because someone called me pretty on my birthday.
And it was my fault.
Of course, I tried my best to start with trying to calm the situation, but that didn't work. He was jealous, and he was mad.
I ended up firing back after being sick of the abuse, but this was after a few days.
Then… it got more fun.
His messages pretty much got possessive. He was telling me that the thought of anyone else touching me made him sick. That we were 'meant to be' together.
Not only that, he kept going on about A. Once again my poor friend was a front for his anger. His jealousy.
He kept saying how A was using me, how he didn't like A… how he didn't understand how we could be friend and how we became friend again after everything he put me through. Mind you… I had never actually told Idiot much about how A and I split. Only that it didn't end on good terms. And somehow he made it seem like he knew all about it, and A was the bad guy.
I had to actually explain how and why we were friends to Idiot. What events occurred that had brought us back together.
Which, I realised later, I shouldn't have had to. The history that A and myself have, is our history. Is our past and our present. No one else should have a say in how our friendship goes.
Not even Idiot.
Which is what made me mad.
And I saw red. So I put my foot down.
I only wish I'd slammed it into his face instead…
I told him fuck off, never going to happen, A and I will be friends for as long as we want, and I can be friends with whoever the fuck I want. And if he didn't like it, he could piss off.
He kept going on but I wasn't budging.
Which is where it got more rocky.
I didn't want to talk to him. I felt like all he'd ever seen me as was a possession. So I thought a little space would help. I told him to leave me alone until I was ready to talk.
He didn't get the hint.
I kept having to yell at him, swear at him. I couldn't sleep, I was mentally drained by this time.
Because of that, I lost my job, and my American went adios. I don't really blame him, I wouldn't want to be around me at that time either.
I'll admit, I wasn't the best person to be around. I was mad and upset almost all of the time.
He finally got the idea… for a little while at least.
After a month or so, he apologised. Said he was in a bad head space. Blah blah blah pretty much.
Stupid me accepted it. At the end of the day, I just wanted a friend back. I've lost a lot of friends over the years due to both my own stupidity and their random anger. So at the time, the thought of losing another friend was getting too much.
We hung out a few times, but not for long, and I was wary to say the least.
Sadly, the conversations we had didn't change all that much. He would still tell me his opinion, and it was getting to the point where he'd say his peace, and my own words would feel hollow to when I was telling him.
It was getting to the point where I regretted even wanting him back as a friend. It was always something I'd done incorrect. And when I'd returned the favour, he would play the 'poor me, I've done nothing wrong' card. Which frustrated me.
I wasn't being heard, and I was always in the wrong.
And then up came that talk again. The one where he wanted us to be together, and the one where I told him no.
Finally… one day I'd had a gutful. I was having anxiety and my back was freezing up from the utter panic of it all. I'd always wonder 'what's he gonna go off about now'.
When I'd tell him to leave me alone, he'd go and tag me in something on facebook, or share something into my messenger.
He wasn't getting the hint. He still kept going with his 'meant to be together' crap. I was still saying no. By this point I was disgusted. I couldn't stand the thought of him.
One day… I'd had a gutful. And a brilliant idea sprung to mind.
Which was pretty much you get the idea of us ever being together out of your head or you walk away. Which I think was pretty fair.
He didn't quite agree, but I thought he'd got the idea.
Then… one day, I hung out with a male friend who I hadn't seen in a while. We used to hang out a lot but then his work got busy.
Let's call him Sparky. I bet you can work out why.
We sat down and ate, and I told him everything that was on my mind. I told him all about Idiot and what he was doing. And… to my utter amazement and surprise… I felt like Sparky listened, and he gave some interesting feedback. He was supportive, he cared, and even gave good advice.
It felt like I'd been hit with a brick then.
The reality was right there in front of me; no matter what I said, and no matter how many times I tried to explain how I felt to Idiot… he was never going to listen.
So… I walked away.
I had to. I was unhappy, nervous all the time, always worrying about this one person who couldn't see what he was doing and didn't really care. It was all about him and what he wanted.
Of course… I got the 'ive done nothing wrong' speech. Which sickened me to say the least. All I did was tell him how I felt, apologised, and said goodbye. He threw one last little guilt trip into his final message. So, angry and annoyed, I blocked him.
Now… remember how I said waaayy up there, that I did martial arts.
That's the catch. During the last weeks he joined the class I go to, and has been there almost every time I've gone to train.
Which is upsetting to say the least. I'm mad because I know he's going to excel for one thing, and another because he's taken one thing that I enjoy and made me want to run a mile.
And honestly? I don't know what to do.
I want to get to black belt. I want be proud of myself. But I'm frustrated because he's there.
And what's worse? He still hasn't gotten the hint.
He tries to talk to me… and I know it seems super bitchy, but I have to blow him off cause I want him to seriously get the hint.
All I want is to go off at him. All I want is to scream at him and tell him to get the fuck out of my face and out of my life, but I hold it all in because I don't want to be kicked out of the dojo. And I also don't want to make an idiot out of myself. So I keep it bottled up…which is why I'm now ranting to you guys and girls. My writing community.
So… if anyone has any advice on how to improve the situation, or get my mojo back, or even give him the idea that I'm pretty done with him… please let me know.
And… if you've reached the end of this first rant, thank you so much for reading. If you skipped to the end going wtf, that's okay too.
I am hoping that with letting this whole story out in a constructive manner, I'll be able to start writing again.
There may be more ranting, just warning you.
Thanks everyone, for always having my back.
Until next time, ciao ciao!