I don't even know where to start right now.
I just know that I will probably explode if I don't get this out in some way shape or form. Probably wont be sleeping any time soon either.
I sit here, on the precipice and contemplating whether to take the dive or to run away and just live in the land of rose coloured glasses.
Neither is helpful, or hopeful.
My boyfriend of almost one year has had three months to tell his brother I exist. Time is almost up and he hasn't said anything, I'm sure of it.
Otherwise he would have told me. He is just too fucking scared to do it. Too afraid to grow a spine and start growing up and living his life. He's just happy to mooch off his parents. He might be there his whole life.
It's how I feel any way. I just cant seem to get it right with men.
Who knows, maybe my asshole of a brother is right. Maybe I'm just useless at keeping a guy.
Maybe I'm useless at everything.
So my idea for this new years is simple (or not).
We are going away for new years. I am going up a day before he is. I will be having a little time to myself and time to relax hopefully. Not sure if that will be the case but I'll definitely try to relax.
So when he comes up, it will be new years eve. This is our anniversary.
New years day I will present him with the question if he has told his brother. If he has not, I will try and make it public on social media. If he is vehemently against this idea, I will wait until we are both leaving on that day, then I will say "Okay well do not contact me until you have told your brother about me. We had an agreement and you broke that. So until that time as you decide to tell him, don't talk to me"
Is it a good idea? Probably not.
Is it fair? Also probably not.
Then again, is it fair to keep me away from everyone you know and pretend I don't exist just so you can live happy? While I'm here writhing in my own skin every time it pops into my head? Oh and of course I can't mention it to you without you getting shitty.
So, this decision… I am not even sure if it will work. Will it end the relationship? Possibly.
Will it test me in ways I've never been tested? Definitely.
Do I ask to many questions and give answers? ….. yep.
I wish there was a better way, but right now I can't see any other way.
And it's doing my head in and screwing with my emotions cause I wanted this to work. I wanted this person to be with me for the rest of my life.
But if he can't even tell his own brother about me, what chance do we have?
He won't tell his parents because they'll "get involved" and I am trying to respect that. But… a brother you apparently trust? Why the fuck can't you just do that? Its not hard.
All I want is for him to tell his brother he's dating me, and my name and things like that. I don't expect great detail… I don't expect a declaration of love. None of that.
But… it's too hard. It's just TOO hard to tell ANYONE I exist.
So it looks like I will bringing the new year in as a single person.
Go me. I feel great.