I feel weird. I feel like nothing matters and, yet everything matters. The world feels small because my whole life is so small and all anyone ever does is care about themselves. Of course, there's nothing wrong with that but it's just so fucking lonely. In a world where all individual beings are stuck inside their own minds, are we ever truly not alone? Someone else can never know what I'm truly thinking and I'm reluctant to share everything in the fear of being exposed to you. Not only that, but we always think before we speak and I love arguing because it's the only time I feel like I'm seeing a glimpse of the real person inside you. It's the only thing that makes me feel real.
In my small isolated world, am I truly understanding what you're saying? Or am I just twisting your words to fit my photo frame? Will the true meaning of your words ever reach anyone? How do you know I understand you properly? You don't. You never will. That's why social contact is nothing but an act. Companionship is nothing but an act. An act where we derive our own meanings from it, and portray a person who is so much different from our true spiritual selves. Like a book, or a movie. Everyone takes something different from it. Living is just another form of entertainment that we partake in whilst we are slowly dying, so is it any wonder then, why people get so engrossed in books, the internet, even Netflix?
If even on a physical level we are drowning ourselves in entertainment to ignore the fact that humanity itself is just more amusement, then why do we judge others when they grapple with an addiction? Why do we sneer when we are all facing an addiction ourselves called: Humanity.
When was the last time you laid down in your bed for an hour and just thought to yourself? Does it make you scared to be alone with your thoughts? Are you scared that you might think about something that might turn your world upside down? Perhaps you're terrified that you might not thinking anything at all, or even frightened that when you really lay hands by your side and stare into nothing at all, that maybe the world might seem so much bigger than you, so much more grander than you realised?
Perhaps you're not alone when you feel this, perhaps I feel the same too. When I sit in my room with my headphones glued to my ears I ask myself: do I really love music or am I just afraid of silence? Am I afraid that the silence might seep its way in between the electric signals shooting through the gooey lump of mass encased in my skull? Creep in and take apart the categories humans have worked so hard to create in order to understand the world. The silence is all around us and it's just waiting to rip us away from understanding and throw us into the chaos of the universe. It's telling us that we're broken, broken, broken. But it doesn't want to fix us. No. It doesn't want to fix us at all. Instead it wants to take us from that calm little puzzle and throw us into the void.
You may not understand this…but that's okay. After all, we're all incredibly lonely because no one understands anything.
And that's just the way the universe is meant to be.