the withdrawal of the year

it's almost over
and i can feel the hangover
of the year

not only that
the withdrawals of my mind
the anhedonia and unconnectedness
my constant grayness
makes me reflect
on what i fucked up on this last year

thankfully i got good grades
i did what i was supposed to do
i had jobs and worked hard
but i was all numb and stoned
by the hazy beast called kratom

but at least i learned
i didn't let it consume me the whole way

i went to tlahualilo today with my parents
to visit the roots of my family
the barren fields, the stables, the farms
the poorness of it all
blew my mind and put everything into perspective

"all these commodities we have
without any hardships," my dad said

visited a traditional mexican cemetery and man
all these coffins in the middle of the desert
scorching sun and dried flowers and whatever
in the day of the dead it becomes a festival
to celebrate all of them

dad said that the town is empty
since most of the people went to the states
in search of a better life

i wonder why

they have barely any water
barely any services
there are no jobs
it's all a dead end ditch
to get mired in

but now i saw
the roots of my past
where my ancestors walked
what they left behind
a forgotten desert

i'm twenty four
it's only gonna get shorter from now on
it's now or never to leave something that was worth dreaming of

another year rolls by
another year dies past
with it, plenty of disappointments
but small moments of happiness and friendships
that make it all worthwhile

i hope to improve myself
since my childhood is almost ending
i didn't prepare at all this year
and i'm diving headfirst to adulthood

there will be many mistakes
but i know my family and my friends are there
to help me see the whole way through

as to my year goals
i never believed in them
up until now

it's easy to let time slip away
but now it's going by so fast
i gotta try to hold on to what i can

i gotta lose some weight, i don't like having a gut
i gotta do my teaching portfolio so i get a job
i wanna write more music, i wanna play live
i wanna improve at melee and beat my roommate
i'd like to meet more new friends
i'd like to eat healthier and be self sufficient
i'd like to feel connected to my life
but this'll take time and practice

i gotta stay aware
i gotta stay on top of myself
i don't wanna disappoint myself like always

at least, not as much as i usually do

here's to the next year
here's to the next dream

have a great one, everyone