the fadedness of love (jan 31)

a friend of mine just separated from his wife
it came as a total shocker
as i had traveled with them just three weeks ago

and everything seemed fine

there's just a lot i don't see
i only take what they give from the surface
i suck at reading in between the lines
when it comes to humans

we hung out last weekend and we were all fine
how does a relationship fall apart in four days?

i don't know
it's not for me to know
it's not for me to help
it's only in me to say,
"if there's anything you need
hit me up"

makes me think of the only love i had
i mean, it wasn't a marriage
but it lasted five years
looking back
i can only deem it as a waste of time

but when you marry, maybe you assume
it's gonna be like that the rest of your life
seems a bit naive, a bit too hopeful
people change and love naturally fades
mistakes are made and there's only so much
a person can take before they have to say,
"i'm sorry but i'm walking away"

alejandra
i wonder
what could've been
but i also am glad
we got to have what we had
but i also am bitter
that it was a fucking waste of time
i sunk down with you, you sunk down with me
and we fed off of each other like angsty teenagers
we assumed no one knew how we felt
when in reality, everyone called the end since the beginning

five years of back and forths
of tired pauses, of repressed desires
until i dropped it all off
and stopped talking to you two years ago

still
i'm sorry i could never love you back
i could never care enough
in those last days

heal her soul
carry her my angel
el paso

(side note)

i think of belinda
the girl i fucked for a year
she was very much into me
i wasn't, not even one bit

she was very physically attractive
and smelled nice
and liked cuddling for hours
and making out and touching me
i covered her mouth to shush her moans

i told her i didn't want to fuck her anymore
and she got upset
but two weeks later she was back fucking me again

"...i mean i don't mind really
it's not like you're seeing someone else"

that kept going for a couple months
an unspoken agreement, the worst kind
the ones where rules don't really apply
it's just beating around the bush
and certainly, eventually she told me
she had found another one

a year later, they got engaged
a year after, they got married

i wonder if she'll get divorced after six years
i wonder if she'll kick herself for having married that young
assuming that love was eternal when it's not
that love is not a lie to mask our aching need
to satiate our impressionable biology

(side note end)

our brains are our gods
they take control of all of us
and make us cry and smile
fall in love and want to die
and make time feel eternal when you're at work
make it feel fleeting when you're having fun
it all feels like a blur
life is just a melted together collage
of what you can remember and what you carry

i wonder, my good friend
what was going through your mind
when we looked at the marfa night sky?
at the mist of the milky way
blanketing the constellations you were pointing?

i slept in the same room as you and your wife
i don't think i sensed any tension
we drove those 4 hours back home and we were all alright
but still, it's something i need to work on
reading in between the lines, sensing what's on your minds
although that may be nosy and rude
still, i wish i could support a friend when they're in need
tell them, "don't worry, you can count on me"

because i have friends that have done that for me
all throughout my life
and i feel guilty that i was never able to return the favor to most of them
because i, ever since i was a child, have always felt disconnected
as if my biology didn't come with that part
to truly relate and help others

who knows...
it's just thoughts i have
days keep rolling on
you find yourself in the same place or in a new spot
from your beautiful house to an apartment
i imagine the steps you took as you were leaving
was watching you leave? could she not bear to see?
which videogames did you take? which things did she keep?
most importantly, how did it all end so suddenly?

it's not for me to pry
but i hope that you consider me a close enough friend
and trust me to help you in due time