Pain is twisted round my heart

Memories try to enter my head

The pain intensifies

And the shoulders tighten

I can still feel

The squeeze of his hand

And the way I squeezed it tightly back

How tempted I was

To rest my forehead on his shoulder

And breathe in a shaky breath

But I couldn't do it

I couldn't move

I couldn't ask

And it hurts to remember

As I am wrecked with guilt and regret

But still they hammer against the wall in my mind

Until they trickle in

And set my senses on fire

Causing me to have to clench my hand tight

And fight back the tears

Whilst feeling pain in my throat

Until I can fight it all back

And lock it all up

Because I cannot speak about it

Not to the person who counts

And to You,

I am sorry