It's time I finally got these feelings out.
I love you, and that should come as no surprise, I hope. It's not necessarily what you think, though.
I've grown a lot since we were together - together, at least, romantically. We were together for much of our lives before that, at least that's how I feel.
I've already touched on my apologies for not understanding your situation and not treating you the way you deserved or the way you needed. We both acknowledged our youth and inexperience. But that was the conversation - the conversation it all came down to.
I told you I wanted to kill myself then, and that I didn't because, as arrogant as it sounded, I knew you would take your own life after.
You looked into my eyes and thanked me, and told me that if I had, you would have in fact done the same.
You then said, in your own words, that you thought it was destiny that brought us together that night.
The next day, you dodged my questions and choked the night up to being drunk (you had a single glass of wine).
And that's why I got upset. Inebriation or no, one of the most intense moments I've ever shared with another human being was ignored and tossed away for an excuse.
You told me you weren't sexual with men, and while I didn't know how to word it, I didn't care. Just like when we dated, I didn't have the words to appropriately express how I felt. Instead, I let my masculinity get the better of me. I was offended, and let my indignation get in the way of communicating with you. We still spent time together, from time to time. You even drove me to some job interviews to help me get a leg up. Every time the topic of us spending time together came up though, I felt like you always thought I was angling for a sexual pretense to it. I really honestly wasn't, but I understand now why you feel that way. I never actually offered evidence, reasoning, or any palpable defense to the contrary. I just got mad.
It seems like I never figured out how to just be nice to you. I always let my ego get in the way.
I really miss how we used to catch up about once a year or so and enjoy lunch and talk about life. We had been through so much together I honestly and truly just loved spending time with you, no matter what we did. I still love you, as a friend and someone I've spent a lot of time with. I want to see you again, just to see you. Check up on you, make sure you're alright and you're having a good time in this world with your family.
You and your brother are the only people around really who knew me during what I am increasingly finding is a difficult to remember time for me. And yes, I have talked to him here and there. I don't envy him. And, if you still remember, I have forgiven him. He knows, but I feel like the poor kid won't feel too well about life in general for a while. I hope he gets better.
Just one last thing.
When I opened up to you about how I felt you would kill yourself if you found out about me doing the same? That was a big leap of faith. It was something I always held in my heart for years but was afraid to say out loud.
Well, since that conversation I felt like the way you acted around me... Is because you're afraid of being attached to me. I feel like what I represent to you scares you, and you don't feel comfortable being close to it, under any pretenses, romantic or otherwise.
If that's true? Well... I understand. And I don't blame you at all.