A Small Amazon

I do not look like an Amazon. They are tall and in control, while I am small and struggle with the idea of being in control. An Amazon is mighty and holds power for all to see. The power I project is minimal at most and I can't be sure if it's visible to anyone else. I feel like I run a lighthouse, but I am also blind. I would assume that ships can see my light, but I can never be sure.

I buy things that make me feel powerful. I bought a silver cigarette case with floral designs on the front and back. I fill it on Wednesday nights, half with joints and half with Marlboro Reds. I do it so when someone asks for one or the other, I can pull out my silver cigarette case and feel like I made an impression. I can practically hear in their head, "Wow...this girl has ambiance". How a person can have ambiance, I'm not really sure.

Ambiance is the feeling a room can give, usually paired with another word if used to describe something. I hear the term "a certain ambience" a lot when people describe a place. I'd like to think I also have a certain ambiance. But instead of holding in the ambiance inside somewhere and swallowing people whole with it, like a room does, I feel as if my ambiance radiates from me. It touches people that I meet and interact with.

Why do I need to feel the need to make myself interesting in subtle ways is the real question. I buy so many props that I know will not only bring joy to me, but for others. My pipe is a glass voodoo doll looking character with the name of Steven. When I tell people that, it makes them smile. They remember that about me. People remember my love for gel nail polishes and my glasses. At least. I'd like to think they do.

I'd have to hold myself in contempt if I was a judge on Law and Order. I assume so much and never withdraw my statements. I never approach the bench when I'm supposed to either. I live my life wondering if Sgt. Olivia Hudson would approve of my actions. My unhealthy and no less than dangerous habits, I would assume are not appreciated. But I am, to my personal understanding, a confident young woman who works to gain the things she wants. Is that not a young Olivia Hudson?

I reference television too much and it makes people uncomfortable. My obscurities often go missed, so many of them I don't bother to speak aloud. When I'm too high to drive home, I drop by the Circle K down the street from my house and talk to the guy who works nights. His name is Ken and I wait there, because for some odd reason, it makes me feel like Veronica from Heathers. In her gas station scene, she doesn't interact with the cashier and she's there for maybe 3 minutes. In my head, it just makes me feel like her. And I'm waiting for Jason Dead to come through the doors and fuck up my life.

There are countless things that make sense in my head but don't make a lick of sense to anyone else on this planet. I wish I was an Amazon.