Chapter 1: The new fellowship!
Queen Goldenhide the Rich, mighty enchantress queen of the southern isles, squinted into the hazy distance of the enchanted forest. She was tall and thin, and she was very, very fit! Sweat beaded on the reddish skin of her forehead as the magical staff that belonged to a man she knew (not remotely what I meant by "magical staff", if that's what you're thinking) pulsed with mystic energies, scanning the landscape for danger. After the mysterious disappearance of her valiant companion, Sir Tralod, she was determined to defend her party. They were five strong, now: herself, the elvish rogue, the halfling cleric, the bard, and the barbarian, who was now approaching the enchantress with the carcass of a stag slung over his shoulder.
"Ho, Goldenhide!" he said, "There is much sport in these woods!" He was a mountain unto himself, with rippling muscles, broad shoulders, and a dark, penetrating gaze. His enormous broadsword clinked against his gleaming silver mail as he hefted the stag. And when I say "broadsword", I am not on a bout his massive cock, you pervert! "And much danger as well" the barbarian said "I fear for the safety of our feminine companions".
"Dude!" said Goldenhide "You should really check your privilege before you say something like that!" as she threatened to take the barbarian's broadsword away from him (and yes, that time, I was on about his cock).
"What is there to be a-feared?" said the barbarian, depositing his game on the forest floor with a muscular shrug, "They are mighty heroes, all. Though, perhaps," he said with a jocular grin, "not as mighty as myself!"
"Indeed, few are as strong as the celebrated, and stupidly named, Conan Killthruster." the queen said, "But I have much doubt of our ability to survive the Bridge of the Damned without the aid of a sixth stout soul."
"Then perchance we are in luck!" said Killthrust, "For I think I espy a dwarf!"
"As do I." said Goldenhide, "Perhaps he will join our quest. Greetings, friend!" she addressed the dwarf, who seemed lost in the woods. "We are in need of a brave warrior such as yourself. Would you join in our quest to find the lair of the malevolent, and rather silly-named, Dok-Torr?"
There was an awkward pause. "Uh," said the dwarf, "Okay, what do I do now?"
"Simple" said the queen "We cross that bridge, which for some reason is guarded by this wizard named Twizzard"
"Hang on, wasn't Twizzard an ally of one of your knights?"
"Really? I thought Tralod's only ally was Punsworth"
"Oh, must have been thinking of someone else"
Over in the distance, Twizzard was quietly mumbling to himself, lamenting the fact that we're going to be re-enacting a scene from Monty Pyt̘̳̖͚̂͗͑̓͂ͥ̎ͅh͈̦͓̰̯̑̈́ͬ́ȱ͉̩͋ͧ̓͞n͎ͧ͂̓ͭͬ̋͗ ̥Wͫ̕H̸̖͓͕͇̙͚̱ͣA̗̺ͭͣͦͪ̔̈́̚T͙̝̀ͅ ͔̹̤̪͑̾͒́D̶̤̤̞̫ͭ͒͒ͤͪI̔͏D̹̠͇̦̮͡ ̴͚̦̳̺W̒ͣ̏͝Ẽ͔̗̳̤̝̼ ̷̳͔̤̜ͭ̌̀̚S͎Ȧ̹̻̬̐ͭ̔ͥ̚Ÿ͙̖̤̫͍̻̥́͝ ̍̇̉͒A̞̗̮̜̻ͨͣͩ̏͛͢Ḅ̷̝̻̺̗̥̼ͥ̑O̧͎̹͔͒̈ͧ̂͛̆Ǔ͇͙̰͙̠̰͚̿̈́̾͋̀T̢̳̻͚̰̼͍̙͆̿̀̍ ̹̀͜T͓̤ͥͤ̈ͭH̫͙͇̦̫͑̐͟È̼̘̱̓̎͂ͮ M͇̳̥͓̰͚̆̈́̈̾͛ͬ͜ͅO̻̼͗̑ͥ͑Ǹ͚͙̲̩͎̭Tͪͩ͏̝̲͖̟Ỷ͙̇͂̊͐͐ ̜̝̹ͪͦ̈́͠P̠̤̗̖͍̯͇͊ͦͨ̍͋̒̈Y̡̺̦̞̻͍̰̐͛̇T̄͊̈́ͯ̃ͤ͏̫̞̞̲H̵̫̙̠̼͔͐ͬ̑ͤO̹̣̮̣̘̬̣͐̂N̳̬̭̗̔͐͊ ̛̯̗͈̓̉͑R̺̥̭͙̔ͮ͆̄͆Ẹ̡̌F̮̻̯͈ͤͨ̿ͮͨ͝E̢̘͚̙̠̠̗̋̔ͯͩR̩͇̠͡E̎͏̬̖̥̣N̳̊ͨ̋C̈̑ͫ̅ͩ͏͎̼͖͖ͅE̴̱̯̎̓̓ͩͫ̅S͔̞̞̣̩͔̳͂ͮͯ͛ͨ̚͢,̞͕̻̳͂ͪ̂ ̸̱̭͚̑L͓͂̑ͣ̔͆̏Ḛ̀̊͝Ò͚̜͖̤̪̩̉̂̍͟N̠͔͇͕!͎̍ͣ̄
Hmm, that was weird. Also, who's Leon? Or for that matter, who is Leondude? Meh, whatever! Anyway, onto our story.
"Stop" said Twizzard
"Those who would dare to cross the Bridge of the Damned must answer me these questions three" he announced "There on the other side, he sees"
"Ask me the questions, I'm not afraid" said Killthruster
"WHAT! Is your name?"
"WHAT! Is your quest?
"Money and killing"
"WHAT! Is your favourite colour?"
"Alright, off you go" said Twizzard, as he begrudgingly allowed Killthruster to pass.
"That's easy!" said the dwarf in amazement, as he overconfidently skipped to the entrance of the bridge. Twizzard asked him the same questions he had given to the barbarian. However, he changed the last one to "WHAT! Is the capital of Syria?", simply just so he can have an excuse to kill someone instead of letting them pass. Naturally, the poor dwarf did not know the answer and was flung by some eldritch force to his clumsy, painful death. Twizzard then decided to mix up the questions in order to keep his prey on their toes, which only resulted only half of the queen's party getting killed. You'd think at this point, Goldenhide would know what Twizzard will say next. But when Twizzard asked for her name, she...sh...she...uh...who am I? I think it's Goldenhi-no, that's not it! Maybe it's Wendy. Shit, I don't know!