An overdose of happy pills
Are an antidepressant away
From my eventual suicide.
While one pill takes away the
Shaking in my body when my
Pani manifests into m racing
Heart, and another pill brings my
Depression up from a black
Void to the fuzzy static of
A broken box-TV, another
Pill lessensmu destructive
Thoughts. With this
Concoction of intoxicants, I
Can almost function, barely
Able to keep myself from
Drowning in the abyss of my
Mind. I have become
Nmb, no longer struggling
To keep my head above the
Thrashing waters, but
Floating on the surface of
The storm. These pills are
Not a lifeboat, but a breath of air,
Keeping my chest parallel
With the waves I've called
Home my entire existence,
And even though my head
Uis only half submerge,
My nose in the air, I
Long to flip onto my opposite
Side, take a deep breath in,
And let my lungs fill
Until I a so waterlogged
That I finally sink.
I am ready to die, and
I have been since I was 13.
I am ready to "accidentally"
Step in front of a 2-by-4, or
Swallow a bottle of advil, or
Drive my car into a tree. I
Don't fear succumbing to
The darkness underneath my skin.
I fear living the rest of
My life with this
Ache in my bones so deep
That the only way to
Relieve this is to tear at
My flesh until there
Is nothing left but
Exposed marrow and
Shreds of the last of me.
Thi is why I call my
Suicide eventual.
Whether I smoke until
I get cancer, or don't
Look each way when I
Cross a street, I plan to
Take myself out, because
The only thing I have
Over God is that I
Can cease my heartbeat,
The one He gave me
Without even asking first.