An overdose of happy pills

Are an antidepressant away

From my eventual suicide.

While one pill takes away the

Shaking in my body when my

Pani manifests into m racing

Heart, and another pill brings my

Depression up from a black

Void to the fuzzy static of

A broken box-TV, another

Pill lessensmu destructive

Thoughts. With this

Concoction of intoxicants, I

Can almost function, barely

Able to keep myself from

Drowning in the abyss of my

Mind. I have become

Nmb, no longer struggling

To keep my head above the

Thrashing waters, but

Floating on the surface of

The storm. These pills are

Not a lifeboat, but a breath of air,

Keeping my chest parallel

With the waves I've called

Home my entire existence,

And even though my head

Uis only half submerge,

My nose in the air, I

Long to flip onto my opposite

Side, take a deep breath in,

And let my lungs fill

Until I a so waterlogged

That I finally sink.

I am ready to die, and

I have been since I was 13.

I am ready to "accidentally"

Step in front of a 2-by-4, or

Swallow a bottle of advil, or

Drive my car into a tree. I

Don't fear succumbing to

The darkness underneath my skin.

I fear living the rest of

My life with this

Ache in my bones so deep

That the only way to

Relieve this is to tear at

My flesh until there

Is nothing left but

Exposed marrow and

Shreds of the last of me.

Thi is why I call my

Suicide eventual.

Whether I smoke until

I get cancer, or don't

Look each way when I

Cross a street, I plan to

Take myself out, because

The only thing I have

Over God is that I

Can cease my heartbeat,

The one He gave me

Without even asking first.