She was a mess. Her hair was sticking up in the side and her bun was off center and her cropped shirt seemed a little too cropped for comfort. Her detailed fingernails were chipped and her eyeliner from the day before was smeared into a four-year-old's version of a smoky eye. She was closing one eye, mid-yawn, the other eye a dazzling swirl of greens and blues and brown. Strings of saliva stretched between both rows of perfect white teeth, probably the only flawless thing about her, trapped in an image of grotesque pencil lines and shading. She disgusted me, strung up on the walls of my cotton candy pink room, contrasting deeply to the rows of flawless basic girls holding starbucks cups and winking flirtatiously at the camera. I had even taken the time to meticulously sketch out the Snapchat dog filter. I reach forward and yank the drawing off of the thumbtack that nailed it against the wall. It doesn't deserve to be up there with my best drawings. The drawing itself took about a week or so during Summer, but it took me about a year to actually accept it, not for what it depicted but for how well it was drawn. If I payed attention to the message it sent, that it would be okay to not give a crap, I would hate myself, would hate that drawing, and end up shredding it in disgust. My drawings have a message of beauty and cleanliness, what people generally like to see. Nobody would pay good money to stare at a drawing of an ugly girl yawning. I stare her down for about a minute and then slide her into my neatly organized desk drawer underneath all my middle school notebooks, where I know I'd never reach again, let alone anyone else.

My phone suddenly buzzes from its spot on my nightstand where it's charging. I flop over onto my bed and reach for it, scrolling through the hundreds of texts from my ever active group chat which changes names almost four or five times a day. I switch to another group chat between my two best friends Kail and Izzy.

Kail: YALL.

Izzy: What

Kail: YALL.

Izzy: …

Kail: i'm waiting for Asteria

Izzy: Just tell me omg

Kail: hm no




I snort embarrassingly and then start typing.

Me: what


Izzy: Was it your boyfriend

Kail: Izzy shut up that's not the point

Me: but it was Julian

Kail: yeah, but he came in and sat down like in the middle of the stadium and kept catcalling me it was so cute! and then he got kicked out lmaooo

Izzy: Kail, catcalls generally aren't that good

Kail: omg izzy u idiot, catcalls aren't good from strangers but it's okay if it's your bf

Izzy: Fine well I know I wouldn't want to be catcalled even if it was by my bf

Kail: and that, my friend, is why you won't ever get a boyfriend

Izzy: Excuse me, I am very capable of getting a boyfriend

Kail: sure, like Dylan?

Izzy: STFU that was a mistake



I put them on do not disturb and shut off my phone, gracefully sliding off my bed. I stretch, letting an ominous crack echo around my room satisfyingly as my stiff back cracks, letting the tension go for once. My hands slide into my hoodie pocket, digging at the tufts of fabric that are coming out. I glance at myself in my full-length mirror, realize just what a mess my hair is, and vow to get some kind of expensive hair product the next time I go to a store.

After my relaxing morning shower, I check the garage to make sure my parents aren't home and then throw myself down on the couch, turning on Netflix and grabbing a granola bar to devour. Halfway through an episode of Riverdale, my phone buzzes with a text.

Matt: Ayyyyee! I'm having a party tomorrow night at micasa be there or be square, it's gon b lit AF! Don't miss out my dudes, and invite all your cute friends!

Confused as to why Matt Cook would ever text me about a party, let alone text me at all, I check the members of the group chat he sent it to. All the most popular people including Kail but excluding Izzy. I wince, thinking about the shit that Kail would dump on Izzy about this. I check our group chat and flip off the do not disturb button, ready for Kail's onslaught.

Kail: Asteria r u going to Matt's party

Izzy: What party

Kail: LOLLL u weren't invited? Didn't he text like everyone, asteria?

Man, fuck Kail.

Izzy: Kail lmao I don't give a crap if ur trying to make me feel left out

Kail: i'm not lol i'm just trying to ask Asteria a question

Izzy: Right okay, let's say I believe that bs… have fun at the party u two! I'll be doing APUSH outlines! Gang gang!

Kail doesn't respond after that, and I can't help laughing a little on the inside. I watch the rest of Riverdale that Saturday and half-ass my homework Sunday, then watch YouTube, avoiding thinking about Matt's upcoming party or the disgusting sketch that's lying in wait under pre-algebra formulas in my desk.

A/N: i wasn't originally going to post this on here but then i was like aw fuck it and so here it is :) please leave a review, they really make my day i'll be posting the next chapter soon(i have like the first two or three written out already but i gotta write the rest still) also each chapter is named after a song which u should listen to while reading or not idk depends on what kinda person u are feel free to listen to them anyway. the full playlist is on my spotify lilbunnibun if u want to hear the whole thing :)