A Simple Solution

When in the course of human events it becomes necessary for one government to obtain the fiscal means which have been historically derived from its people and to erect along the lines of a border, the precise and effective separation to which the Laws of Mexico and Mexico's finance ministry so despise, a consideration for the will of its people demands that it should provide the funds which complete the implementation of such projects.

It is no secret that these affairs of the Trump administration may total to anywhere from ten billion to twenty-one and a half billion American dollars for construction, not including the cost of building roads to the remote area along the Mexican-American border along which the proposed wall is to be built and the labor costs of such an immense public work. In fact, the esteemed academic Stephen Colbert dares not place the number at no less than two trillion American dollars in sum.

Thus, if such a wall is indeed to be established, the reduction of its costs ought to be of the utmost priority in order to ease the burden placed upon the American people.

If I may so humbly suggest a simple solution to this issue, I do have a plan so tremendous that it may advance both the state of immigration policy and of our great union as a whole.

I must preface my intentions with the acknowledgement that the system by which immigrants are processed is seemingly failing, allowing those who would act as a detriment to the free market of our founders through the solicitation of those few jobs which have not yet been outsourced abroad, serve as a clear and present danger to the public at large as in the case of the twenty percent of terrorist threats perpetrated by foreigners on American soil, and undermine the core values of this democracy with their thoroughly un-American influences to slip through the cracks of this nation's foundations. It is this exacerbated situation which demands that such a development be undertaken (though I personally am of the belief that a wall on the northern border would be more effective, as it would prevent our own citizens from defecting to Canada, but I digress).

With these simple preconceptions in mind, I ask only for a critical eye, a moment of honest severity, and a few seconds of your time, all of which would be equally afforded to other such modest proposals.

First, I would like to note the efforts of Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos in recent years to push for the privatization of the cancerous public school system. In the event that DeVos's abolition of public education in favor of charter and private schools comes to fruition, those children that cannot afford tuition would be both without experience and in the constant care of their mothers, who they themselves may have jobs or otherwise be unable to care for them consistently.

Thus, in the vein of preventing undue expense on the part of the average American for the sake of this project, I find it suitable to suggest that these children be placed in childcare facilities along the border where they may be able to receive on the job training to make up for their lack of proper education. This action would significantly reduce labor costs, as it would be those children's families paying a reasonable fee for the care of their children, and the children themselves would not be paid for their work on the wall, as this would violate child labor laws in the border states. After all, these are education facilities, not sweatshops. In this day and age, America has as much interest in human rights violations as it does in YouTube advertisements longer than five seconds.

Other potential sources of labor include the Girl Scouts of America, the Boys Scouts of America, and Camp Fire, all of which whose participants would receive a badge embroidered with a wall and a sombrero-wearing cactus for services rendered along with a free red baseball cap and a complementary tangerine. Those students that could afford to continue their education would also be welcome to aid in the construction process in return for receiving their mandatory service hours as per their schools' graduation requirements, but the participation fee still ought to be charged in order to remind participants that America is a land of equal opportunity where discrimination by economic class is not tolerated except in the form of tax cuts for the wealthy.

It is evident that children would not be able to properly pour cement as the majority of them do not have licenses to operate heavy equipment. In its place, a knowledgeable Chinese gentleman whispering his opinion from behind the door of a public bathroom stall determined the most suitable substitute is Sluban blocks, which, if my source is to be trusted, can be purchased in bulk at a fiftieth of the price of Legos and are thus more cost effective when it comes to educating small children in the field of architecture.

Furthermore, the use of colored blocks allows for the design of mosaic patterns that could potentially fulfill the president's demand that the wall be both "big" and "beautiful." An enormous portrait of Trump in blocks on the Mexican side of the wall could potentially reduce the number of illegal immigrants attempting to cross the border by acting as a deterrent, reminding them of Trump's stances toward immigrants and of the harsh consequences of sneaking over, under, or around the wall.

Another option would be to spell out, "Go Home, El Niño," using the blocks, which would prevent the Mexican heat from crossing the border and thus reduce the dreaded change of climate that may or may not exist. Simply, Sluban blocks are the most cost effective choice of material for the wall given the limited abilities of the laborers in question.

In addition to providing education and childcare to low income families, reducing production costs, contributing to the American aesthetic, reducing the number of illegal immigrants, and preventing global warming, this particular method of building the wall will prevent the delinquency of our youth.

Imagine: a pair of small, idle hands belonging to a child—a child with no toys to play with, no school to go to, and no mother to care for them—and with those small hands, that child chooses to hang out with the wrong crowd, to join a gang, to deface public institutions with spray paint cans, to do drugs, to have premarital sex, and to have an abortion. All of this could have been avoided if those small hands were not idle, if that child was being carefully watched, and if that child had someone to guide them onto the path of God. This program offers these services to at-risk children, as working on the wall will prevent those small hands from falling idle and doing the Devil's work.

As Donald 3:1-4 recalls, "and Eric's mother doth proclaimed, 'Heed me, my child, as thou who hast not an ounce of strength in his soul to rise above ye temptations of ye flesh ought not speak of mooching from thy parent's bank account, as thou art now thirty and need to move out. If only had I not left thou alone with thy interwebs, thou would be more like thy brother, who hast not been idle in his ways and is versed in ye studies of architecture'." Thus, a working child is a productive child that is well out of Satan's grasp and thoroughly versed in the word of the Lord.

Now, it may be claimed that the quartering, feeding, and education of these children is an unreasonable feat under the scope of the law, but this is a gross misconception. The meager participation fee for the care provided would ameliorate any potential costs for the children's needs, such as the purchase of tents for sleeping in and the cost of meals for basic sustenance.

Moreover, the children's supervisors would be funneled from the former public schooling system into these education centers, providing work experience in the field and increasing their chances of being rehired by as much as forty-two percent, all for the same reasonable participation fee as their younger counterparts. This has the capability to reduce national unemployment by a whopping nine and three-quarters percent.

The proposed retraining programs available for the unemployed feature the esteemed subjects of architecture, civil engineering, and intelligent design along with a number of other reputable studies. The economic gains of this plan in regards to the employ of the public largely outweighs any of its potential drawbacks.

With the obvious benefits of such a simple solution in mind, it is unbelievable that others would prefer any other proposal presented to them, as with instances like the reevaluation of immigration policy, the implementation of a border "firewall," the distribution of funds to organizations such as ICE or the Border Patrol, the extension and strengthening of the already existing border fencing, or perhaps even the rejection of wall construction at all. You may accept this solution with the absolute assurances that I will soon be leaving public education and thus have no conflict of interest that may undermine the validity of this solution.