A/N: So after much procrastination, getting sidetracked with other stories, procrastination, dealing with personal health issues, procrastination, lots of binge-reading and spending time on TV Tropes, and procrastination, I finally got around to finishing the first novel of a fantasy trilogy, known as the Smirvlak Trilogy! The first entry focuses on two goblin brothers and a lizard creature who stumble upon a magical stone that grants the user unspeakable powers. But as the trio begin to travel around the lands hoping to bring the stone to safety, a vile tribe of gnolls is hot on their trail, hell-bent on taking the stone from them by any means necessary.

Story includes violence, swearing, and brief M/M and M/F content.

Now, with all that out the way, enjoy the story. :D


He huffed as softly as possible, catching his breath as he stared at the scene around him. The beast backed away, fluids dripping from his face. The beast looked at the three corpses on the floor, their bodies still warm. Then he grunted as he turned around, his body still sore. Limping, the short, four-foot-tall creature headed towards the door that was shut and pushed against it. The creature wiped his face before he saw the yellow goblin hunched in the corner of the dark room, whimpering and sobbing gently.

"Nick?" the beast whispered.

The goblin whined and shook his head, still covering his ears. The creature limped his way towards the goblin and exhaled as he wrapped his bloody arms around his body.

"Shhhh, it's okay…it's okay," the creature said.

"But…but they—"

"I know," the creature said, feeling warm tears in his eyes. "But you're safe now…we'll be safe…"


Getting up was always hard. The goblin always kept trying to figure out which part of his body would disgust him the most. As he opened his watery, red eyes, the goblin mumbled and tasted stale beer in the back of his throat. Rolling over onto his stomach, the goblin groaned and felt something in his body pop. Exhaling a few times, the goblin grunted and got on his hands and feet, shaking and feeling bile rising in his throat. He swallowed hard, and then sat down against one of the tables inside the tavern. He moved his hands around his body, panting as he groped his bare, chiseled chest, before groping his ugly face. The goblin blinked twice and realized that his giant, long nose was still intact, along with his oversized, pointed ears that were each nearly a foot in length. His face had some scratches on it and his left eye was swollen, but he didn't care. No goblin was born "beautiful" to begin with. Then the goblin reached down and grasped his crotch, making sure he hadn't urinated while he was unconscious. His trousers were dry.

"Good…actually, fuck it," he muttered.

The goblin grabbed the table and stood up, shortly before he untied the rope holding his pants up and pulled them down slightly. The goblin closed his eyes and exhaled as he pointed his penis at the floor and shamelessly micturated, listening to the fluids splashing all over the floor. By the time he finished, the only other creature inside the building began to moan.

"Nick…Nick, shut up. You're fine," the goblin snarled.

The goblin turned and faced Nick as he lied on the floor, in the exact same state as him. He was only wearing trousers as well, the pants light gray, torn and filthy. As the goblin approached Nick, he noticed that his stomach was churning deeply and emitting disturbing noises.

"Gnek…Gnek, it hurts! Uurrrghh…oh, it hurts!"

Gnek blinked twice and folded his arms as Nick kept writhing around on the floor, now wrapping his arms around his stomach. Nick opened his eyes, and Gnek noticed they were full of tears.

"It hurts so bad, Gnek!"

"You're fine, Nick. You just gotta throw up."

"I'M-I'M NOT…I'M NOT FINE! Please…those-those fuckin' wizzers 'n' dark magic! …Cursed me…THEY CURSED ME! Demons—demons everywhere! They're inside me!"

Gnek exhaled and rolled his eyes. "There are no demons, Nick."

The goblin on the floor whimpered as he slowly moved around and gradually got to his knees, reaching forward and grabbing Gnek's trousers. "PLEASE! They…they're gonna…oh no."

Gnek noticed the face the goblin was making from anywhere. He calmly walked to the side of the goblin and watched as Nick whined and placed a hand on his belly. And then his mouth. And then he violently jerked forward and vomited all over the floor. Gnek just exhaled and shook his head as the nasty bile and undigested food spewed from Nick's big mouth. After throwing up for a few seconds, Nick coughed and belched, only to open his mouth and retch. As Nick vomited again, Gnek heard a bubbling splattering sound, and was disgusted when he looked at the seat of Nick's gray trousers and realized a brown stain was quickly spreading around. Gnek gagged and backed away, covering his nose as Nick threw up repeatedly and soiled himself. When Nick finally finished, there was an immense puddle of stomach juices and half-digested food all over the floor, and Nick had soiled himself so badly that the entire back of his pants was brown, with loose excrement dripping around Nick's heels. Coughing and waving the air in front of him, Gnek walked over to Nick and stood him up, making sure the inebriated goblin didn't fall back down.

"Feel better now?"

Nick blinked and nodded slowly, with vomit staining his lips and chin. "Mmf…guess…guess the-the demons…went away."

Before Gnek could say anything else, Nick sniffed the air a few times, his big nostrils flaring.

"Phew…what's that smell?!"

"You shat yourself. Again," Gnek said dully.

"Hmm…oh," the goblin said, reaching backwards and feeling the wet fecal matter that had bled through his pants.

Gnek shook his head and sighed. "C'mon, let's head back home."

Nick didn't respond. He just nodded stupidly and mumbled. And then he dragged his big, dirty feet across the floorboards as Gnek helped him over to the building's main entrance.


Gnek made sure to stop at the river so Nick could clean himself up. He knew that wouldn't help with the smell or the stains, but at least he wouldn't have to hear anyone else complaining about any mysterious fluids they left behind on the floor. When the two goblins arrived in the village once again, the sun was setting. Both of them grunted as they limped their way into the village, with Gnek constantly having to hold up Nick whenever he started to slouch over. Gnek gazed around the village and exhaled, glad that he was finally around his own brethren. The village wasn't anything extravagant; there were no massive towers or giant fields with crops planted in them. Most of the village merely consisted of huts that everyone lived inside, with most of them composed out of straw, stone, and wood. The biggest foundation within the village was the merchant chop, which was big enough for minotaurs and even gnolls to walk inside. Gnek snorted as he looked at all the goblins walking around the village, some of them carrying supplies to fix up their huts, some carrying baskets of vegetables and fruits. Others were wielding their swords, daggers, and knives, panting and sweating, having spent all day training with their weapons.

"Oi, Gnekvizz! Wotcha got yerself in now?!"

Gnek turned and looked at the olive-skinned goblin sprinting towards him, barefooted and wearing a loose vest and trousers. Gnek didn't have to answer his question. He looked up and down, sizing up the goblin from head to toe. His toes were cracked and his feet were filthy. His pants and vest were both ripped and had threads hanging from them. His nose was long enough to poke out someone's eye, with warts growing on it and hairs hanging from the nostrils. His ears were both enormous and full of wax, and his eyes looked tired, with the sclera having a yellowish tint to it. Like Gnek and Nick, he was bald too, although small hairs were still growing on his chest and scalp. Gnek flared his nostrils and could already tell that the goblin in front of him hadn't bathed in a while. When the beast panted, Gnek noticed the stench of meat and beer on his breath. As far as Gnek was concerned, he was just looking at an ordinary goblin. Anyone else, however, would see nothing but some four-foot-tall pest that was only fit for menial tasks.

"We walked into a tavern." Gnek shrugged. "Obviously one that don't cater to goblins."

The olive-skinned goblin exhaled, and Gnek had to turn his head away when he smelled his foul breath again.

"Told ya two, jus' stay 'ere an' help us train! Don't need ya gettin' killed over some stupid skirmish outside the village!"

Gnek chuckled, while Nick was drooling with his head lolled to the side, barely conscious. "We just had a few drinks, Dyls'lyk. That's all."

"Tch! Couple drinks don't give ya busted eyes, Gnek!"

"You gonna lecture us all day or you gonna let us pass?"

Dyls'lyk snorted and folded his arms. Then he grumbled and gestured towards the merchant's shop. "Don't start whinin' when Tallak berates ya fer yer stench!"

"Yeah, yeah, sure. Not like the rest of ya don't stink either."

By the time Gnek and Nick reached Tallak's shop, Nick was unconscious. Gnek flared his nostrils as he was bombarded with various scents: some foreign spices that almost made him sneeze, sugar and salt that was lying on the floor after spilling out of bags, various potions full of oddly-colored ooze, and the typical dust and odors many customers carried whenever they entered the store. Gnek curled his toes against the wooden floorboards before he looked over at the stairs on the left side of the store. Before Gnek could call out Tallak's name, he heard someone slowly walking down the stairs.

"Ugh, smells like another gnoll just—AGAIN?! Argh, what happened now?!" the other goblin exclaimed.

Gnek looked at the other goblin who wore baggy pants and had a belt tied around his waist. His skin was yellow in color, and he had a dark red beard hanging down from his chin. Gnek rubbed his nose as the goblin snorted and walked over to him.

"Explain yerself, Gnekvizz Corveel!"

Gnek exhaled. "We went to a tavern. Fulla humans. We're goblins." Gnek shrugged. "Gotta say more?"

"I told ya to stay in the village! S'how Puvzlard died last week!"

"Tallak, Puvzlard died setting himself on fire lighting his own farts."

"AND IT HAPPENED INSIDE A HUMAN TAVERN!"

Gnek groaned and rolled his eyes. "Look, my head's pounding. And you can see and smell that Nick is a mess. Just let us go upstairs and get some rest already. Yelling at us won't do nothin'."

Tallak huffed. "Fine, Gnek. But ya two are only stayin' here one more week! I got payin' customers who wanna sleep in those beds y'all keep hoggin'!"

Gnek ignored the grumpy goblin as Tallak turned away from them and walked behind the counter. Gnek listened to Tallak mumbling and swearing to himself before he disappeared into the sea of shelves and resumed taking inventory once again. Afterwards, Gnek grunted as he hauled his foul-smelling brother upstairs to the bedroom inside the merchant shop. Once there, Gnek shut the door, walked Nick over to the nearest mattress, and set him down. Then Gnek groaned as he leaned against the wall and rubbed his head, plagued with an unbearable amount of stress and soreness. Huffing, Gnek lowered his hands before he gazed around the room. In the corner near the window were a pile of books and scrolls. Gnek sniffed as he dragged his huge feet across the floor, approaching the stacks of books so he could resume studying.

"Mmf…Gnek?"

"Shh, go to sleep, Nick."

"Whuh…how did I—"

"Go to sleep," Gnek said more firmly. "I'mma be here all night."

"Mmf…mkay," Nick said sluggishly.

After a brief pause, Gnek heard muffled snorting and soft breathing coming from the bed. While Nick began to pass out, Gnek sat down on the floor, rubbing his nose and reaching for his lantern. He slowly turned it on just high enough so the lantern illuminated the books for him. Once Gnek could see, he started flipping through some of the pages within a massive purple book, squinting his eyes as he read some of the inscriptions. Gnek muttered a few words to himself, and then he felt his left hand tingling. The goblin turned his left hand over and looked at his palm. It began to glow, and his hand felt very warm. Gnek stared at the same commands and repeated the word a few times, whispering as gently as possible.

"Fir…Flae…Flarega!"

Nothing happened. Gnek held out his left hand and pointed his palm forward.

"Firaga!"

Nothing happened.

"Damn it—that should've worked," the goblin mumbled.

He looked inside the book again and snorted. And then tried a third spell.

"Flarsha!"

Gnek watched as a reddish-orange flame with a strange, almost dark outline around the fire shot out from his hand. The flame only traveled two inches forward and quickly dissipated less than a second after Gnek announced the command. But he had done it, and that was all that mattered. Gnek grinned widely as he looked inside the book to learn more spells.

"I still got it," Gnek murmured.


Gnek woke up the next morning feeling even sorer than he did yesterday. He opened his large eyes and groaned as he looked around and realized that he had fallen asleep on the floor with the books awkwardly crowding his body. The goblin yawned and stretched, cracking his back a few times before he stood up. He was about to approach Nick's bed when he heard a muffled sputtering sound coming from his behind. Gnek snarled and shook his head as Nick moaned.

"Uh-uh. Chamber pot. Now. You are not shitting yourself again!"

Nick grumbled as he tossed around in the bed, grasping his stomach again as he passed more gas. Gnek watched as Nick gritted his teeth and scrunched up his face.

"Urgh…the hell did we eat yesterday, Gnek?"

Nick yelped when he felt his bowels flaring again. He sprang out of bed, stomping on the floor as he grabbed his behind and bent over. Gnek rubbed his head before he spotted a small black pot beside his bed. Gnek kicked the pot over to Nick, and the whimpering goblin swiftly pulled down his trousers and sat on the pot. Then he exhaled and promptly voided his bowels, much to Gnek's disgust.

"Dunno. Feel free to look inside when you finish and let me know," Gnek snidely remarked.

While Nick was loosening his bowels, Gnek walked over to the window and opened it up, letting in some fresh air. He looked outside and could see that various goblins were busy farming or practicing to use their weapons yet again, swinging them around or using giant scarecrows as targets for their arrows. Gnek looked out into the distance and fixated on the seemingly endless forest surrounding the village, and all the mysterious and deadly creatures buried within. Gnek smirked to himself before he turned around and looked at his brother still defecating with his soiled pants around his ankles.

"So Nick…"

Nick glared at Gnek and snorted. "Uh-uh, no! You are not leavin' this village again!"

Gnek stammered. "I-I didn't even say anything!"

"I know how you are, brother! You al—ffffffffffuck!" Nick shut his eyes as he pushed hard and heard muffled splattering inside the pot. "You…you always talk to me in that tone when you tell me you're about to leave!"

"No, I don't! I was just—"

"Then what were you about to say? That you've grown restless? That you gotta go out and train again? That this village is boring you again?"

Gnek frowned. "You're making all of these assumptions and I haven't said a damn thing."

"Because I know how you are, Gnek! You always…you keep…"

Nick looked away from his brother and leaned forward. He paused for a moment, the silence inside the room only broken by Nick's flatulence and the wind blowing from outside.

"You keep leaving me, brother," Nick said softly. "And I don't know why."

"Can we not have this conversation while you're shitting like a minotaur with the trots?"

Nick groaned and rolled his eyes. He waited until he finished defecating, and then he pulled his pants back up and picked up the chamber pot. Not feeling like emptying it properly, Nick walked the chamber pot over to the window and tossed the contents outside, ignoring the goblin who exclaimed as he was splattered by the waste below. Nick set the chamber pot down, huffed, and folded his arms.

"Okay, Gnek. I'll humor you. What were you about to say?"

Gnek swallowed and rubbed his left arm. "I said…I said, that I've been thinking about leaving again—"

"I FUCKING KNEW IT! You're always so quick to leave me, Gnek! You can't stay here for more than a month without leaving me to be looked after by Tallak! What makes me so loathsome, brother?! Am I really that much of a burden to you?!"

"No, Nick—"

Nick sniffed his armpits before he exhaled harshly. "What? Is my hygiene not good enough for you? Does my breath really stink that much?!"

Gnek scowled and fanned the air in front of him. "Yes, it does. But Nick—"

Nick stammered and clasped his hands together, nearly hyperventilating. "Please! I'm begging you! Don't leave me again! …Please. I-I don't…I don't like being here by myself, Gnek. I just—"

Nick shouted when Gnek slapped him across his cheek so hard that he fell to the floor. Gnek snorted as he looked at the whimpering, teary-eyed goblin resting on his side.

"You done whining, brother? You gonna let me finish what I have to say?"

Nick snorted and wiped his eyes. "Sure…f-fine. Don't bother coming back this time though…I'm fucking sick of this."

Gnek rubbed his eyes. "Nick, I was thinking about leaving—I won't lie about that. But what I was going to say was that I wanted…I wanted you to come with me."

And just like that, Nick's tears went away, and the goblin hopped back up to his feet with a wide grin on his face.

"You serious, brother?"

Gnek smirked. "Yes, Nick. You're right…I have been leaving the village a lot lately. But honestly…what's here? Hmm? Most of our friends have left. Some are out fighting in wars. Some are learning magic. Some are even members of the High Council. What the fuck are we doing, huh? Getting drunk at pubs that don't allow our kind, hunting animals and selling them for some pieces of gold and silver—what life is that? For crying out loud, Nick, we're sleeping in a merchant's attic!"

Nick scratched his face. "But I like sleeping up here."

Gnek groaned and rolled his eyes. "Okay, not the point. Look outside that window right there. What do you see?"

Nick blinked twice before he walked over to the window and stuck his head outside. He looked around the ground first, examining the other goblins working in the field. Then he spotted all the dirt on the ground and all the trees surrounding the serene village.

"Erm…trees?"

"And?"

"Dirt and soil?"

"And?"

"Um…goblins?"

"And?"

Nick scratched behind his left ear. "That puddle of shit I just threw all over the ground?"

"ARGH! Adventure, brother! Mystery and wonder and expedition, all that good shit!"

"Those are not things I can see, brother."

"Doesn't mean it isn't there. Nick, I want to show you the wondrous things outside of this village that you can't see. You haven't seen wyverns or dragons; you haven't seen giant pirate ships or orcs who know the ways of magic. All you know are goblins, dwarves, and humans. But there's so much more to this world than that!"

"Yeah? Like what?"

Gnek sighed. "Have you seen the castles within the kingdom of Erelorn? Such wonderful craftsmanship and architecture, and the libraries within said kingdom have more books than one could read in their lifetime!"

Gnek grinned. "Mighta purloined a book or two, if ya catch my drift."

Nick blinked. "Actually I don't. And you know all that book shit bores me, brother. Is that all the world has to offer? Reading and writing and boring books and blah blah blah?"

Gnek scratched the back of his head. "Okay then. How 'bout the Swashbuckler? Stupid name, I know, but it's this tavern located in the city of Tovvol, y'know, right by the ocean?"

"So it's another tavern. So what?"

"Well, in this tavern…um, there are creatures of all shapes and sizes! They all come there and they sing and talk about their adventures, and so on. In fact, they have some of the tastiest ale I've ever consumed there. And you'd love the people who come into that place. Heh, you ever see an orc light his farts on fire? You get that in the Swashbuckler! You ever get into a belching contest with a bunch of minotaurs? That's at the Swashbuckler!"

Gnekvizz grinned widely as he scratched around his groin. "You ever squeezed an elf's tits or got a whiff of her cunt? Hehe, that's at the Swashbuckler too, brother."

Nick shyly turned away as he twiddled his fingers. "Well….it has been—wait a second, I thought you weren't into females?"

"I'm not. They got male elves there too! So both of us can 'enjoy' ourselves."

Gnek nudged his brother with his elbow. "Get what I'm saying?"

Nick chuckled and grinned lustfully. "Oh, most definitely, brother! I certainly wanna go to this tavern now!"

"And this is just one location, brother!" Gnekvizz spread his arms apart and smiled. "There's a whole world out there. We live in a dirty cesspool that humans and dwarves had the nerve to rename 'Smirvlak's Anus.' You wanna know why that is, brother?"

"Because this place smells like Smirvlak's asshole?"

"NO! THAT'S NOT—okay, yes, it does, but that's not the point! It's an insult, Nick! The world thinks that this country is so polluted with thieves and murderers and rapists that they honestly believe that Smirvlak himself squatted down and shat us all out onto the earth. Even Smirvlak himself thinks we're nothing but waste. Do you have any idea how pathetic and disgraceful that is?!"

Nick looked down at the floor and thought for a moment. "Oh…suppose that explains why you keep leaving."

Gnek walked up to his brother and placed a hand on his shoulder. "I want you to come with me. You're all I have left now…I don't want you stuck here; I don't want you to grow old and die stuck inside a country people relate to a demon's ass. We can do better than this."

Nick looked up at Gnek and smirked. "Yeah."

"We will do better."

"Hell yeah!"

Grinning, Gnek nudged Nick again and chuckled. "So you ready, brother?"

"YEAH! WE'RE GOING ON AN ADVENTURE!"

Before Gnek could say anything else, he grunted when Nick grabbed him, hugging him so hard that Gnek could barely breathe. Nick shut his eyes as he embraced his brother and smiled.

"Thank you, Gnek…thank you."

"Yeah—URK! Um…before we go though, you-you gotta do one thing. It's absolutely vital and essential to both of us."

Nick let go of Gnek and backed away. "Sure, anything!"

Gnek sniffed the air twice before he plugged his nose.

"Change your pants."