tw for suicide and dark topics
also you're not alone.
it is a forbidden topic
it is something most people ignore
but for someone like him, it is a reality
a lingering thought, always there in his mind
no matter what he does, no matter how hard he tries
there will always be that lone sentinel of darkness watching him in his mind
looking over him, caring for him but at the same time there to escort him
when the moment is right to his final destination-death
when that time is, he is not sure-he has survived for twenty-four years and survived eight years of this disorder.
He has survived the worst of it.
He regards the voice as an enemy and as a friend, a comfort to him when things seem low.
today he was denied a friendship.
his mind whispers, "Kill yourself."
so he deliberates on it, only to find no guns anywhere and gives up.
today he got a bad grade on a test
again, his mind whispers, "Kill yourself."
so he deliberates on it, only to realize that he does not have the courage to cut himself so badly that he bleeds, and when he thinks about how much it would hurt, he flinches, so that idea is thrown away.
today, he was ostracized by his friends.
yet again, his mind suggests, "Suicide".
so he deliberates on it, only to realize that there are no buildings close to him that he can jump off of, almost all of them have people who would have to witness it, and he would mangle his body, so that is also a no. He doesn't want his face messed up.
His pet died.
His mind automatically responds with "suicide."
so he deliberates on it, only to realize that he is not the type to overdose or take too many pills at once. He is too afraid of the side effects. So that is also a no.
He thinks about drowning himself. But he's too afraid of that.
He thinks about using carbon monoxide. But he's too afraid of inhaling chemicals.
He thinks about using fire. But he's terrified of fire.
He thinks about being hit by a car. But it'd be too painful.
He thinks about hanging himself, but it scares him too much and he wouldn't want his family to find him.
He can't even think about dragging other people into it-that would be horrifying and he is too kind-hearted to hurt others or drag them down with him-in the end, the only person dying would be himself and himself only. So that's a no also. He refuses to kill others with him.
He thinks about suffocation. But he's afraid of that.
He thinks about jumping in front of a train. But he's too scared of being cut in half and it's too gruesome. No.
He thinks about starving, but he likes eating, so that's a no.
Well, he's run out of options, what is there to lose?
He's decided, he's going to kill himself.
He opens his window, looks out and...sees the stars. The beautiful stars, up above-and then he recalls, sticking his head back in-and seeing the furry creatures near him, his pets-recalls that they rely on him for survival-and that he has a purpose for existing.
He recalls his writing, keeping him tethered to earth.
He recalls his family, who cares for him even through the worst.
And most of all, he recalls his readers, who have been there for him through the best and through the worst, and he starts to cry.
Since then, he has woken up every day, whether he wants to or not, and he has gone to school, made friends, socialized, and written many things.
He has grown a lot. It's been eight years since that day and four years since he came to that realization. He's realized-that, though, some time in the future, whether it be twenty or thirty years from now or even forty-he might decide to end it-for now, he wants to live, and the desire to live is overpowering the desire to die.
It's a powerful feeling and he feels it inside him, every day. He wants to live and experience more of the world, before calling it quits. And now, he's sure he doesn't want to die for a long, long time. He wants to live, experience everything there is to see, and only if he is terminally ill or severely hurt would he want to die now.
He's conquered the suicide. It has not conquered him, and now he helps others not be conquered by it. Many others have not succeeded in conquering it and his goal is to ensure that others not lose their light.
He recalls the singer he loved who took his own life mere months ago and vows that he will not let his death be in vain. He will continue to live.
Life is important.
He is not alone, and he wants everyone to know this, that they are not alone, that someone cares.
Someone always has, and someone always will.