NUKE THE CARIBS!

This is the story of Columbus' first encounter with the natives of the New World, as told by a legendary black journalist of today. Please comment nicely!

"All right, amigos, let's go!" Christopher Columbus led his leering band of genocidal madmen across the beach, ready to plunder all the vast wealth of the new world he had just discovered. "Keep close together, and keep those banners up high. And if you see any Caribs, bayonet them at once!"

"Uh, Your Excellency? Lord Admiral? We don't really have any bayonets." It was Juan Diego Solomon, the admiral's official translator and historian and the only Jew in the Christopher Columbus crew.

"What do you mean, we don't have any bayonets? Of course we have bayonets! I'm an evil madman on a world-changing mission of plunder and genocide! The legendary black journalist Tallahassee Coats says we're here to kill Caribs!"

"Well, Excellency, we can kill them, but we can't bayonet them. You see, the bayonet is a type of weapon that won't be common in Europe for another two hundred years. It's an infantry weapon, a long blade that can be stuck on the end of a musket or a rifle."

"What's a musket? What's a rifle?" Columbus scowled. "Well, no matter. We don't need fancy weapons to kill Caribs. All we need is Spanish steel! Ah, there's the Carib village just ahead. Draw your swords, caballeros of Spain. And when you strike, strike hard, and cry out 'White Power!'"

"That's not what we say," objected Rodrigo Diaz. The dark-skinned caballero fingered his flowing jet-black mustache. "We Spaniards are hardened killers. We've been fighting the Moors for seven hundred years, though many of us have Moorish blood ourselves. But we are Christians, and when we strike, we strike with Spanish steel and we cry Santiago!"

"Santiago?" Columbus cried in dismay. "What the hell does that mean? Heroic black intellectual Tecumseh Floats says we're racist pigs and we're here to kill Caribs!"

"Santiago means Saint James," Juan Solomon said softly. "He's the patron saint of Spain. Catholic Spain, anyway."

"So when we kill Caribs, we're doing it for him, not for proud black hip hop scholar and revolutionary Tullahoma Snopes?" Columbus asked hopefully.

"Truly that is so," agreed Don Rodrigo Diaz. "Though for my own part whenever I shed the blood of heathens I like to picture the Blessed Virgin in all her radiant beauty. Truly the Church is our mother and we must protect her . . . by any means necessary."

"That's why we have crosses on our banners," Columbus said. "That's why our ship is named the Santa Maria. I get it now. But why would a defiantly brilliant black comic book genius like Tuskegee Croaks throw in all that stuff about bayonets and white power? That has nothing to do with us!"

"Haters gonna hate," said Juan Solomon, with a sad smile.