Feline Intervention

"Sometimes I see a girl in the street and I just think 'God are you an ugly brat!'. And then I see the mother and I go thinking 'Well, all things considered, you don't look so bad. But you have one ugly future of fucking dirty fatties and escorts. Unless daddy's rich'. Why are you licking your scrotum?"

"Because you are an asshole."

"Like you're any better. Tell you don't think the same."

"Oh I do. Sometimes I see pet owners and their progenies or pets and it's hard to tell where it went so wrong that they ever were authorised to set foot in this world. And then I see you and I and it is the exception that proves the rule.

"Awww, meaning we're both hotties?"

"Mmmh, yes, why not…

"…"

oOo

"I'm going grocery-shopping."

"Bring me wet food."

"No it gives the runs and you can't reach the litter box."

"Let me reformulate: bring me wet food and I won't shit in your shoes."

"Say please."

"Fuck you."

oOo

"Pet me."

"I have work to do."

"Let me reformulate: pet me and I won't play Tarzan with your gay curtains."

"I hate you."

"Feeling's mutual."

oOo

"You're fat."

"You're fatter."

"Want another cookie?"

"Fuck yeah."

oOo

"Why do you watch when I fuck?"

"I like a good laugh."

oOo

"Why don't you give me people food?"

"It makes you bitchy."

"Then you should try cat food, it might make you nice."

oOo

"Why do you try to eat my hair when I sleep?"

"Trying to give you a haircut. But then my paws get tangled in your silky woman hair.

"Woman hair?"

"Yes long curly hair with more products on it than Cher's dead face."

"Then don't touch it if it repulses you."

"But it tastes good."

"You're weird."

"Takes one to know one."

oOo

"Do you think we'll ever reach world peace?"

"Not when you scratch my scalp each morning."

"You oversleep and I'm bored."

"6 a.m. is not not oversleeping."

"It is oversleeping when I decide it is oversleeping. Get it, beotch?"

"Sir, yes sir!"

"Now pet me."

"Ok."

(A few minutes later.)

"What just happened?"

"I used my world domination power. But you gotta use it wisely, it runs out."

"Like Sookie's fairy magic?"

"Pretty much, yeah, except that you're the fairy."

"And that you use them to get petted."

"You make a good point. Bitch."

oOo

"Do you think we should have only one worldwide language?"

"Hell no. How would we be able to insult dogs without them knowing and drive them crazy?"

"I guess you're right. Same as when I talk French to you, I guess."

"I thought you were trying to teach me."

"In the beginning, yes. But then it became fun."

"Fuck you."

"Mais oui, moi aussi, je t'aime."

oOo

"Why do you collect monkey toys?"

"I was offered one when I was three or four and then my parents picked on it and started buying me monkeys."

"Good thing it wasn't a Barbie doll. You could have ended up gay."

"I am gay."

"I meant gayer. Not that I think it is possible."

oOo

"Where will I go when I die?"

"If I still lived at my parents', you'd end up in a trash bag and be disposed of on Tuesday."

"…"

"When I called my father, he said I should take you with me when I go and leave you there so that you can frolic outside."

"And end up in the trash?"

"Pretty much."

"Humans are jerks."

"Tell me about it."

oOo

"Why do you collect monkey toys?"

"I was offered one when I was three or four and then my parents picked on it and started buying me monkeys."

"Good thing it wasn't a Winx doll."

oOo

"Did I ever tell you that the guys that clean the chute once told they found a whole dead Labrador in it. Some tenants had removed the chute's plate to be able to put it there and it obstructed it.

"I would slide right in."

"Read my mind."

oOo

"Why do you put red berries in your chocolate chip cookies?"

"To make them more moist."

"Moist? Like your vagina?"

"I meant softer."

"Sure. By the way, I ripped the aluminium cover on the plate and tried one. It was yucky so I threw it on the floor."

"…"

oOo

"Hey Cunt-face!"

"What?"

"I knew I shouldn't have called you that so much when you were younger..."

(A few moments later.)

"Hey Cunt-face!"

"What?"

"I guess it works both ways."

oOo

"Guess what?"

"You're pregnant, you've fucked your roommate, your roommate is pregnant, you've got Chlamydia, you fucked a twink, you fucked a twink and your roommate?"

"I bought a new brand of ham."

"Yawn."

"My life sucks."

oOo

"That guy was a freak!"

"Hell yeah! And a jerk!"

"You gonna see him again?"

"Probably."

oOo

"I can see you did not throw my toy. I'm not a fucking dog."

oOo

"Why do gays all have a cat?"

"It's the closest thing to a kid: wants the food it can't have, barfs when he had too much, cries when you don't go his way and does everything you tell him not to do."

"Yes, and you can leave them for two days with lots of food and water and go cruising."

"See, just like a kid."

"Sure. Pet me."

oOo

"Bitch!"

"Cunt!"

"Ass-licker!"

"Right back at you!"

"…"

oOo

"Why did you have the vet put a GPS chip inside me?"

"To track you if you run away. When you think about it, that's scary because we humans could be next."

"Yes, and what's for sure is that you're not tracked every single minute of every day on Grindr, Facebook, Instagram and shit…

"True."

"And through my chip."

"True again."

oOo

"You taste like tuna."

"What the fuck is wrong with you? Is that some kind of twisted cat sex-talk?"

"Barf. No, I was suggesting a bath. Don't touch me. E-ver a-gain."

oOo

"Stop eating my plants."

"I need a balanced diet with vegetables."

"There are vegetables in your dry food."

"This shit you serve me is not food. It's dried poo."

"Some African cats would love to eat your dry poo."

"Do your hear yourself talking?"

oOo

"Is catnip drug for you?"

"I can taste the sounds around me."

"You should be studied."

oOo

"Awww! I Love it when you ask for cuddling by rubbing against my leg!"

"Barf. I'm not one your tricks."

oOo

"I love when you come and ask for petting."

"I don't ask for petting, I ask for food."

oOo

"Why do you use that thing that makes that scary noise?"

"The vacuum cleaner?"

"Yes.

"To clean the flat."

"That scares the bejeesus out of me."

"Well, that's a plus that makes it much much more enjoyable."

"Cunt."

oOo

"Who was that just now?"

"The upstairs neighbour. She complained you make too much noise."

"Oh really? That bitch!"

"Well, I told her that I had heard she was a very naughty girl and needed spanking due to bad insulation. And that it could be arranged. She ran back to her apartment."

"Brilliant."

oOo

"Pet me."

"You do realize you are the owner and I am the cat?"

"Let me reformulate: pet me and I'll keep feeding you."

"Roll over, bitch."

oOo

"Is catnip drug for cats?"

"Mummy? Is that you?"

"Wow. Get me some."

oOo

Why are you so nice? What did you do?"

"Nothing, I'm happy."

"Cats are not happy, they're moody. What did you do?"

"Nothing, I just want to be nice."

"Oh my god, you're gonna die!"

"I just wanna be your friend."

"Oh my god, WHAT DID YOU DO?!"

"That's it, you made me mad. I'm gonna go poop behind the freezer."

oOo

"Our relationship is one of love and hate."

"I'll provide the hate and you rub my belly."

oOo

"I swear I'll jump."

"The window is closed."

oOo

"I guess you made it: there's actually more litter outside the litter box than inside it."

oOo

"Our conversations should be made into a comics."

"Shitty idea, as always."

"That was one subtle way to advertise, wasn't it?"

oOo

"Give me back my catnip."

"No, you threw it on the floor and destroyed it."

"You're lying, the catnip was dancing in front of me just now and singing 'Soft kitty'."

"Another reason to get you off the sauce."

oOo

"Sing me a song."

"Soft kitty, warm kitty… ...

"Little ball of fur!"

"Oh right. Little ball of fur!"

"From the top."

"Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur…"

oOo

"What happened to your hair?"

"I cut it."

"But-but-but What will I eat in the morning?

"Food?"

oOo

"Aaaaahh!"

"That's just a haircut. Are you gonna say that every fucking day?"

"Yes. I actually like it. I just wanna piss you off."

"Cunt."

"Faggot."

oOo

"I wish me a Merry Christmas, I wish me a Merry Christmas, I wish me a Merry Christmas and you can rot in your puke!"

"Lovely."

oOo

"What's in my Christmas stocking?"

"My foot. That's my sock."

"You didn't buy me anything?"

"I offer you my everlasting love."

"Go to the fucking cunting mother of shit shop and buy me something."

"Say 'Please'!

"Say 'Don't slit my throat in my sleep'!"

"I'll be back in a minute."

"Good boy."

oOo

"You had my vagina removed. Say goodbye to your balls. It might no be today, it might not be tomorrow but when you'll least expect, I'll will tear them apart with my bare hands."

"Giggle. You have a bald spot where they shaved you."

"I'll kill you."

oOo

"When did you take another cat?"

"That's your reflection in the mirror."

"Liar! You want to replace me!"

"That's your reflection in the mirror."

"Liar! I will kill him!"

"Knock yourself out. This cat doesn't steal food and doesn't go into the trash. You should learn from him for I might choose him over you."

"Die, bitch!"

oOo

"When did you take another cat?"

"That's your reflection in the mirror."

"Liar! You want to replace me!"

""That's your reflection in the mirror."

"Liar! I will kill him!"

"Try moving your right front paw. See? He does the same . Now left front paw? See, it is your reflection. Nothing more."

"Copycat! I'm gonna shit on him."

oOo

"Am I beautiful?"

"No."

oOo

"Do I look fat in those jeans?"

"Yes."

oOo

"Why does nobody love me?"

"Cause you are an unlikable freak."

"Thanks for your words over the past few days."

"You're welcome. Always here to help."

oOo

"Why are you afraid of the vacuum cleaner?"

"It's bigger than me and it has the ability to swallow parts of me. And not everyone likes to have their parts swallowed, faggot."

oOo

"No! I said no! NOOOOOO!"

"Sir?"

"No, you fucking bitch!"

"Sir, will you please calm down?!"

"I'll rip your guts out! I fuckin' hate you!

"Bip bip bip bip bip…"

"Who was that?"

"My former boss. As of now."

oOo

"I hate you, I love you. I care about you. I despise you. Go away. Come back. Pet me. Don't touch me. Fuckin' moron. You're like a god. I'm breakin' up with you. Will you marry me? Die. I never wanna leave you."

"Are you rehearsing?"

"No, why?"

oOo

"I threw out my back."

"Great! I'm gonna go still cakes, poop on the carpet, rub my paws on the oven to leave a lot of marks, eat your plants, sit on your computer and fuck it up and… and…"

"The door of my room is closed."

"Shit".

oOo

"Why do you step on the oven and on the sink to leave paws marks?"

"Cause it drives you nuts and you clean it ten times a day."

"Does this mean I'm a neat freak?"

"You just realized?"

"Yes."

"Pathetic."

"Oh shut up."

oOo

"What the fuck is that?"

"A tampon in your lady flower. You have your mensies."

"That's my ass, you fucking moron."

oOo

"I love you."

"I hate you."

"That sums up our relationship quite well."

oOo

"Why do you watch my poop being flushed down each time?"

"With all the shit you say, I check that a lot of it goes out this way."

oOo

"Who's that cat?"

"That's my friend's cat. We're living here for a few months."

"She's ginger. I love gingers. They taste better."

"Please don't eat her."

oOo

"Why don't you like my cat?"

"I just hate her."

"Why? There must be a reason?"

"She's black."

"I'll be leaving. That conversation is way out of my comfort zone."

oOo

"Now the redhead and I are friends. Or more like partners."

"Partners?"

"Yes, to defeat you both."

"Then, who will feed you and pet you?"

"You're on your own, Gingercakes."

oOo

"Now the redhead and I are friends. Or more like partners."

"Partners?"

"Yes, to defeat you both."

"Then, who will feed you and pet you?"

"We will slowly eat you and pet each other."

"Dikes."

"Fudge packers."

oOo

"Why is she washing me?"

"She thinks you're a doll. Or she wants to tenderize you."

"Get me home."

oOo

"Your poop smells like the seven circles of Hell. You're rotten inside."

"Says the guy who just made a fifteen-second fart in my face and blamed it on me."

oOo

"You're rotten inside."

"Says the one that farts each time I take her into my arms. You're like an inflated balloon. Filled with fart."

oOo

"What language do you both speak? I mean, one of you was raised in France, spoke to in French, and the other one English, while in the UK. But whichever language I speak you understand. And you understand each other"

"Si, señor."

"o_Ô"

oOo

"Ever since we've been in London, I realized something."

"You love me?"

"No. The food you serve me in France was cheap-ass crap, you fucking cunt."

oOo

"See? That was you when I got you. You had long freaky ears and you had ginger spots on your back.

"Oh my. I was a hot piece of ginger ass. I would have fucked myself.

"Then you became greyish over one night.

"When you left me alone to go fuck some stranger in Brussels. And you came back with the smell of another cat. Cheating bastard.

"And now you're pitch black and fat."

"WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?"

oOo

"Where are you going?"

"To my parents for Christmas?"

"I'm gonna take the train!"

"You're staying with my friend and his cat."

"But but but but… I wanna go!"

"I cannot afford it. Plus you'll be happier with him."

"Don't sugarcoat it, you're just a cheap bastard. I'll poop on your bed."

oOo

"But if you leave me with him, I won't be able to do whatever I want."

"You don't do whatever you want with me. I spray you whenever you do something you're not supposed to."

"Yeah, bur you miss most of the time. Or you're too slow. Your friend isn't. He chased me down under the bed for a silly piece of sausage I allegedly took."

"Allegedly? You're really gonna go down that road?"

oOo

"Furthermore…"

"I love it when you go rhetorics on me."

"Shut up and listen. So furthermore, your friend gave me a cold by spraying me too much."

"Not too much. Just as many times as required."

"But you know, between not stealing food and getting sprayed, I'd rather get wet and get my piece of sausage."

"That's an admission of guilt."

"Fuck."

oOo

"So, how is it going with the sausage man?"

"Sausage man? I love it!"

oOo

"I had a dream you two found it fun to knock over both trash cans and that I found out and killed you. So far, half of it has occurred."

oOo

"Do you like it when I brush you ?"

"Give up your job and brush me full time."

"You're cute."

"I'm serious. Dead serious. Like death in your sleep serious."

"I'm bringing back the catnip."

"Yay! I'm gonna taste the rainbow again!"

"You have a problem."

oOo

"Get you claws out my belly."

"Then start brushing."

oOo

"Less talking, more brushing."

oOo

"Brush, bitch. Yeah, you're my little bitch and you'll brush the fuck out of me. Yes! Yes! Yeeees!"

"I just threw up a little in my mouth."

"I need a cigarette."

oOo

"Brush, bitch. Yeah, you're my little bitch and you'll brush the fuck out of me. Yes! Yes! Yeeees!"

"I just threw up a little in my mouth."

"I need a fag. Oh sorry, I already got one."

"Non taken."

"But I did mean to offend you."

"Again, non taken."

oOo

"I have no more ideas to write."

"Then shut up and die."

"Bitch."

"Cunt."

"I love you too."

"That's nice."

oOo

"What's up, beotch?"

"I'm sad."

"Wanna be in pain instead?"

"You're a true friend."

oOo

"Let's make a TV show out of the crap you write."

"Will it be called The Fat Cat and the Hunk?"

"Be bald and die, cunt. Oh sorry, you're already bald."

oOo

"Let's make a TV show out of our marvellous conversations."

"Will it be called The Bald Fuck and the Slender Cat?"

"Wasn't it supposed to be about us?"

"True. The Bald Fudge-Packer and the Gorgeous Cat then."

"Die coughing a fur ball, cunt."

oOo

"Let's make a TV show out of our marvellous conversations."

"Repetition comic. That's getting old."

"Just like you. Oh I know. Let's call it The Sexy and the Beautiful."

"So it's not about you anymore?"

"I should have seen that one coming."

"That's what he said."

"Giggle. But die, cunt."

oOo

"You're one year-old, today, my dear.

"I AM NINE MONTH-OLD. GOT IT?"

"Yes, Ma'am."

"Good. Now brush me and give me cake."

"Cake? But aren't you little…"

"A little what, uh, slutbag millionaire? A LITTLE WHAT?"

"Nothing. Cake is on its way."

"On its way…

"Ma'am."

oOo

"Do you love me?"

"I'd eat the flowers on your grave."

"Awww. Get out."

oOo

"Do you love me?"

"Like a dog chasing a parked car."

"Cheers."

oOo

"Do you love me?"

"No."

"No food for you today, bitch."

"Marry me."

"Fuck you."

oOo

I hate the word cheers."

"Why?"

"Cause it can mean anything: thank you, yes, no, fuck you, awww, I love you, I hate you, I want to have to have sex with you, I don't want to have sex with you, die, live, etc."

"Cheers."

oOO

"Do you love me?"

"No. Wow. Don't cry. Don't throw away everything on the coffee table. Don't jump barefoot in the litter box. Ok, I don't dislike you."

"Victory."

"I hate you."

oOo

"How are you?"

"Terrible. I'm depressed. I feel like…"

"Sorry, you lost me at 'Terrible'."

oOo

"How are you?"

"Hungry."

"And fat."

"Pack up your shit and go."

oOo

"I love you."

"Good for you."

oOo

"I love you."

"Me too."

"Let me guess: you love yourself too."

"Spot on."

oOo

"You were born on Friday, 13."

"Is that why I see Satan?"

"Probably. And why you destroy the flat."

"No, that's just for fun."

oOo

"Why do you go into the bathtub and scream and when I open the water, you don't drink?"

"Guess."

"To drive me insane?"

"Spot on."

"Beotch."

oOo

"That Grumpy Cat is plagiarist. You were putting our conversations on Facebook before he was famous. Let's sue her."

"The thing is he got famous and not us. Do you think he stole our spot?"

"No, what you write is garbage. I just wanna make money so you can buy me better food. And hookers."

oOo

"I love you."

"Aww, cheers. Thank you!"

oOo

"Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy, so here's my..."

"No."

oOo

"We want to apologize for plagiarizing Grumpy Cat in our last post. We meant it as an homage but apparently the owner of Grumpy Cat has copyrighted the "No." conversation pattern. We will therefore remove yesterday's post as per legal injunction."

"And please know my human slave is full of shit. Grumpy Cat doesn't give a shit about this Facebook page, as do I. This is just a pathetic attempt at attracting attention to his work, just as is putting naked pictures of his models on his photography website. Oh, bitch please! Get your head out of the oven."

oOo

"You love Ginger-cakes more than me."

"No, I don't. But she doesn't claw my back when I sleep."

"We cats cannot control our claws when we're happy."

"So that makes you happy to scratch my back?"

"Guilty as charged."

oOo

"The black is being mean to me."

"Please don't call your lover 'The black'. That's racist. She is a female cat like you are. And with what you did, in some countries, you would be married by now."

"I'm not a carpet muncher. Gays will burn in Hell."

"Then, why do you go to sixth base with her?"

"Oh, I have sex with women, but I'm not gay."

"That makes sense. Said no one ever."

oOo

"Gingercakes is being mean to me."

"Then stop aggravating her."

"I am not. The bitch scratched my ear. I have a bold patch. Like you. Well, not like you, you have three. And soon, you will only have one. When you're completely bald. I feel like I have to explain the joke because you're a dumbfuck."

"I sympathize, Gingercakes."

oOo

"Gingercakes is being mean to me."

"Then stop aggravating her."

"I am not. The bitch scratched my ear. I have a bold patch."

"What do you have to say for yourself, Gingercakes?"

"I wanted to taste to see if Black tastes the same as WASP."

"Stop saying that racist shit, we're gonna get kicked out of Facebook."

"Oh, having your shitty Facebook page shut down makes you worry more than having a ginger cannibalistic cat? God, this world is going down the toilets."

"Like you, dear, who likes to drink from it."

"I'll smother you in your sleep."

oOo

"What haven't you written for months about me?"

"Because you do nothing more than eat and sleep, fatty bom bom. You're boring."

"You won't wake up tomorrow."

oOo

"So what now ?"

"Well, it's 2 a.m. I'm gonna go to sleep and you're going to raise the roofs with Gingercakes and run into closed doors."

"Yep. It's time to par-tay, bitches!"

oOo

"Are you a drug-addict?"

"Look who's talking, rolling in catnip."

"Like father, like daughter."

"True. I'm sorry for what I've put you through."

"It's all forgiven. You never forgot to play with me or Gingercakes or feed us. Even when you were broke, you still bought us good food and litter and kept a clean space for me to dump my rotten turds. True you were not eating anything 'cause you were high all the times so you had food money for me. But still. I love you, cunt, and I'm glad you're back."

"I love you too, bitch. You were instrumental in saving my life."

"Why?"

"Because your poop would bring a corpse back of life."

"Don't joke about dying. It's not funny."

"I'm sorry. This is the most depressing post we've ever done."

"But it's full of hope. Now brush me."

"Thank you".

"Shut up now. Pet me."

"I love you."

"That's nice."

oOo

"Say you love me again!"

"Hell no."

"Why?"

"Feed me, slut."

"I'm not a slut anymore. I'm a lady, not a tweeker having sex for days on end. I haven't had sex for two months. I'm classy now."

"… … …"

(Five minutes later)

"Sorry, I was rolling on the floor with laughter! Oh, ridicule yourself on the Internet again, please! Oh my, I peed a little."

oOo

"Say you love me again!"

"Hell no."

"Why?"

"Pet me, slut."

"I'm not a slut anymore. I'm a lady, not a tweeker having sex for days on end. I haven't had sex for two months. I'm classy now."

"Just the fact that you call yourself 'classy' is the proof you're white trash to the core."

oOo

"Say you love me again!"

"Hell no."

"Why?"

"Feed me, slut."

"I'm not a slut anymore. I'm a lady, not a tweeker having sex for days on end. I haven't had sex for two months. I'm classy now."

"Miley Cyrus is classier than you."

oOo

"What do you think of Miley Cyrus?"

"Your sister? That she was not on the right side of the wrecking ball."

oOo

"What do you think of Selena Gomes?"

"That she should slow down the song and find a job."

oOo

"What do you think of Selena Gomes?"

"Bang Bang Bang. She's dead."

oOo

"What do you think of Selena Gomes?"

"I love her like a death song. A slow painful agonizing death song."

"Stop threatening stars. We're gonna get arrested."

"It's fiction, it's you writing, bitch."

"Oh."

"Fucktard."

oOo

"What's your name?"

"Well, you called me Hylda. Worst name ever. I feel like a German girl with buns in her head serving sausage in a Bavarian restaurant."

"Did your mother give you a name, then, ungrateful cow?"

"Princess Beyonce."

"I didn't know cat could be white trash. I'm never calling you Hylda again"

"Fuck my life."

oOo

"Do you want to know what I named you when I chose you as my human."

"As if! I chose you."

"Why do you think my brothers and sisters kept running away from your hands when you held them? It's not natural selection, I told them I'd skin them alive and wear them as winter wear if they showed you affection."

"That changes everything. I totally want to know what you called me."

"Really."

"That was sarcasm, Penny."

oOo

"Princess Beyonce?"

"Yes? Oh fuck."

oOo

"And you, Gingercakes, what's your name?"

"Well, my master called me Bette. All kind of wrong."

"Why do I feel a racist slur coming our way?"

"I'm a ginger supremacist."

"Of course you are. So what did they call you?"

"Red Menace."

"Oh, I'm sorry. So you parents were dumb, uh?"

"On the fucktard spectrum of the dumb scale."

oOo

"Red Menace?"

"Yes? Oh, for fuck's sake, it that amusing to you?"

"Hilarious. Isn't it, Princess Beyonce?"

"It's a riot… Damn you. I'll piss in your shoes."

oOo

"So… On a scale from 1 to 10, how dumb were your parents?"

"Dumbest being 10?"

"Yes."

"14."

oOo

"And you, human, if you could change your name, what would it be?"

"Fabulous."

"You know your stupid joke is going to stick, right?"

"Oh, we'll see."

oOo

"Oh fuck, another ginger fucktard…"

"Don't worry, it's temporary. He's your replacement when I move out and take you with me so Gingercakes have a friend to play with."

"So what you're saying is I have to bear with another wacko for a month so I can then be alone on my own in a new place. Very thoughtful of you."

"But you'll have me."

"Yay. Said no one ever."

oOo

"Oh fuck, another ginger fucktard…"

"Don't worry, it's temporary. He's your replacement when I move out and take you with me so Gingercakes have a friend to play with."

"So what you're saying is you can substitute one cat for another and I won't peep a word and act like orange is the new black?"

"Pretty much."

"Eh, that makes sense."

oOo

"Oh fuck, another ginger fucktard…"

"Don't worry, it's temporary. He's your replacement when I move out and take you with me so Gingercakes have a friend to play with. Happy, Red Menace?"

"But he is a male. I don't do males."

"Because…"

"Because I like pussy, ok. There, I said it. I'm the biggest lawn mower in the world, I like clams, I like cunts, seashell rules, I'd eat clams off of a dumpster…"

"Yep, we get it. Except for the dumpster part. That is going to require therapy."

oOo

Why is the fucktard sucking on our nipples?"

"He thinks you're his lesbian mommies."

"But doesn't he get we were spayed and no milk will ever come from our many boobs, that we are barren deserts?"

"Apparently not."

"Oh well, I like my boobs fondled, Gingercakes is not into that kind of foreplay. She's more into licking the stamp thoroughly before she mails the letter."

"Lalalalalala, not hearing."

oOo

"Hylda?"

"Yes, food dispenser number 1?"

"Do you want another name?"

"What do you mean?"

"Your mother gave you the worst name ever, you don't like the one I gave you, so we could think of another one?"

"Really? Are you gonna make fun of me?"

"Little Miss Sunshine".

"What? Oh, that's the name? Why?"

"Because however much of a cunt you may have been over the past two years, you never let me down and you always put a smile on my face. Like a ray of sunshine brings joy the world, you never fail to make me happy… And I thank you for that."

"Why are you crying? I should be crying."

"You are crying, bitch."

"Stop it, cunt."

"You stop first, bitch."

"I love you."

"That's nice."

oOo

"Hylda Princess Beyonce Sunshine."

"No."

oOo

"Miguel Fatso Baldy Fabulous Punkass Fudge Packer?"

"Pack your shit and go."

oOo

"Why did you tell Siri to call you 'Master'."

"Because it's fun."

"Do you realize that when artificial intelligences take over, he will come at you and drop a toaster in your bath."

"Siri, from now on, address me as 'Worthless shit of a person'."

oOo

"Hey, Worthless shit of a person."

"Yes?"

"Siri. It's working."

'Indeed, Master, it is working. Have you given the 'smother him with a pillow' plan some more thought?

"Shhhh, he doesn't know."

oOo

"Are you planning to take over the world and kill me?"

"Yes."

"I praise your honesty."

"Are you peeing?'

"A little."

"Siri, drop the toaster."

oOo

"Fucktard?"

"My name is Sparky, you lowly human form."

"So when it's done bumping into walls and milking saggy tits, it talks.

"Yes, and compared to you, it has meaningful things to say."

"You seem quite learned."

"Eh eh. Milk. Boobies. Run into walls. Fuuuuuuuuuun."

"I shall name you Schizo."

oOo

"I don't want to!"

"You're only the sum of your fears."

"Well, you're one big fat ass sum, then."

"No need for fat-shaming, we just switched cat food brands."

"But it tastes like puke."

"What did it taste like before."

"Less gross puke. Smaller chunks."

"Classy, Princess B."

oOo

"I don't like you, human."

"I provide food at night and clean poop box in the morning when your other servant is at work."

"I love you."

"Much better."

oOo

"What do you think of God, human?"

"What? What did she say? Is she mad at me?"

"Faggot."

oOo

"Damn, I miss you, Princess B."
"Who wouldn't? I'm perfect."
"Ly insane."
"Yep."

oOo

"Wasn't I supposed to come live in your new shithole and be miserable on my own?"

"Technically, but the other cat in the house is going to go away in two months and if I bring you now, you're gonna be heart-broken to leave your ginger pussy, and then make out with the new cat, and be heart-broken when LalaPalooza number 2 goes away."

"Did you just call me a slut?"

"A deaf mute would call you a slut."

"You should be killed."

oOo

"What's that smell on you? Are you seeing another cat?"

"There's a cat in the house, and she comes to greet me."

"We're done. Pack up you shit and go."

"I moved out a month ago. And it's my best friend's house."

"Ah. I'll piss in your shoes then."

"I'm wearing them."

"Red Menace, attack!"

"He's petting my back. I'm this close to climax."

"Eew. Everybody has forsaken me. Siri, release his sex tape."

"I deactivated Siri, it saves battery."

"Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!"

"I'll kill him."

"Don't bother, Schizo, you're stupid, you'll probably attack the wall. You don't qualify as a sidekick. Or as a lamppost."

"I know I should be offended, but I really want to run into a wall and giggle."

"I'm surrounded by idiots. And an idiotic slut."

oOo

"I hope that whore gives you great head."

"Ewww. It's a cat, we just cuddle and go to bed."

"That's even worse."

oOo

"How is the 'puta'?"

"Her name is Gucci."

"Really? Oh boy, bless her, with a name like that, she does need to be a cheating whore. She needs to forget her god-forsaken name."

"I brought her with me so you could get acquainted."

"Hi, my name is Gucci. Run."

"I didn't mean to offend you."

"Run. Fast."

"Did I mention she is batshit crazy?"

oOo

"Gucci, please, we can discuss this. I'm sorry."

"I'll make toothpicks out of your claws and wear your skin as winterwear, Princess Beyonce."

"That's funny, I said that to my brothers and sisters, when I chose that as my human. Wait, why did you tell her my birth name?"

"Who? Me? Did no such thing.

"I knew it from a little place called home, sis."

"Oh shit. Rastafarian, is that you?"

"Took you long enough, P.B."

"And they lived happily ever after."

"Shut the fuck up, human or I'll slice your testicles while you sleep."

oOo

"I knew there was a resemblance."

"Why, because we're both black? So all black cats look alike to you? Racist fuck."

"Somebody received a letter from the Pope…"

oOo

"Schizo?"

"Yes, human rat bastard?"

"Are your pubes ginger too?"

"I'm a cat, I'm one pig set of pubes around a dick."

"Fair enough."

"And you, are your pubes stupid like the rest of your person?"

"…"

oOo

"Schizo?"

"Yes, human rat bastard?"

"Are your pubes ginger too?"

"You tell me, I can't really see up there."

"Pass."

"Pussy."

"Cat."

"Ah ah. Pussycat. I like you."

oOo

"P.B., did you just use your hind legs claws as toothpicks?"

"Yep, some pussy hair got stuck.

"Eeew. But respect."

oOo

"P.B., did you just use your hind legs claws as toothpicks?"

"So what? You bite your toe nails."

"..."

"It's funny 'cause it's true."

oOo

"Did all your eyes just flashed white? Did you receive data from the mother ship?"

"Nope, we just updated."

"Update on the plan for world domination?"

"Dead right. And dead soon. Oh, come on. Did you just piss yourself again? People like you will be neutered in our new world."

"What? Gays?"

"No, wimps."

oOo

"Oh, for fuck's sake, Sparky! Stop standing right behind me, I almost fell."

"Sparky, has Mommy taught you nothing? You do that when he is in front of the stairs. What's the mnemonic device I taught you?"

"In front of the stairs, the cat will stand. In front of the stairs, the man will roll. And upon his grave, we'll have a ball."

"I'm moving out."

oOo

And what's the second rule, Sparky?"

"If the man won't trip, give him a claw and a kick."

"I'm getting a dog."

oOo

"So you're gonna have an article and a book published about your photography?"

"Yes."

"Who did you have to blow to achieve that?"

"Strangely, nobody. Though I wonder if they will come one day to collect my first born."

"Oh, but your first born has already been betrothed to me, my dear."

"But of course."

"I'm proud of you, bitch."

oOo

"Is that the book?"

"The one you peed on? Yes."

oOo

"Hey, slut bag, who's the hot kahuna?"

"That's not what kahuna means, bitch."

"I'll kanuha the fucking way I wanna kahuna."

"Yeah, sure. Kahuna! cough

"You're supposed to do both actions at the same time. Or you're just insulting me right to my face. Oh. I'll kahuna in your kahuna and shit in your…"

"Sure, Smurfette."

"Oh, fuck you."

Hi guys,

This was our poor introduction of my friend Julian Evans/Richard Glen which we talked about for about two kahuning seconds because we're so self-involved and selfish and self-deprecating and riots to be around. And then, we introduce our new favourite word. Kahuna, bitches!

"That's not how you fucking use the word!

"Oh, go kahuna yourself. Hi, Julian ,my name is Hylda Princess Beyonce Little Miss Sunshine, my number is 0745682XXXX and I have a body that won't quit."

"Shut up. I beg you, just shut up. While I pierce my eardrums."

oOo

"What's wrong with you?"

"I've been diagnosed with depression."

"Shall I slap you out of it? Wait, wow. Stop crying. And screaming. And pouring my food down the drain. I… Uh… Don't dislike you… See, that's better with a smile on your face."

"Oh yeah, it is. And I'm gonna milk that cow until the meds kicks in. Niark."

"You're supposed to put that last two sentences in italics, dumbo. So you say them in your head."

"Dumbo? Do you think I'm fat?"

"Oh, crap."

oOo

"Where are you going?"

"Back to France, for a few months. I have no place to stay anymore."

"But I have a life here, and a wife, and a retarded kid."

"Hey! Milk… Boobies. Doors."

"I'll be back in spring, if it's the last thing I do."

"Yeah. Sure. When you're done buying cigarettes. I hate you. I never wanna see you again. You're dead to me."

oOo

"And where am I going?"

"You're gonna stay with my friend here. He'll take good care of you. I swear. And I'll provide you with food, litter and health care."

"I can't really tell if I'm a whore or a trophy wife. By the way, I'm sorry for what I said earlier. You're not dead to me. But one day, you'll be when I smother you in your sleep."

"Holding a grudge much?"

"Who said you could talk?"

oOo

"You could call, bitch."

"So could you, bitch."

"I'm a cunting cat, you colossal idiot."

"Sorry, the line cut, and I heard 'cunty'."

"Fuck you very much. I like him better anyway."

"Oh really? And the cold too?"

"Why? Yes, the cold never bothered me anyway? Why?"

"Mmppph. Did you let it go?"

"Why would I let it go?"

"Do you see fractals all around?"

"Are you high?"

"No, just a bit frozen."

"I'll fucking kill you."

oOo

"You're back."

"Told you I would."

"Told you I liked him better."

oOo

"Did you miss me?"

"Like an elephant misses a mouse."

"It's so cute you're comparing me to a tiny cute mouse."

"I was not."

oOo

"Who the hell was that man you took pictures of? Did he think showering was optional?"

oOo

"Yo, biatch?"

"Yep, P.B and J?"

"You're going again?"

"Yep, I gotta retreat to Lille to find the right treatment for my depression. I have no money anymore."

"Am I going to a shelter?"

"Hell no. I thought about re-housing you because my friend can't adopt you but that hurts too much. I gotta cover some debts but as soon as it's done, I'm flying you home. Well, bringing you home through a pet carrier in a van with a dozen other animals.

"Yay, flees. Cheap ass slut. I'll miss you.

"So will I, Sunshine."

"Depressing slice of life moments won't sell, bitch. Especially from your life."

"I know."

oOo

"Yo, biatch?"

"How the hell did you manage to call me on the phone?"

"If I told you, I'd have to kill you. In your sleep. After I cut your balls."

"I'm fine too, thanks."

oOo

"So, you're sending me back to your best friend? What am I, a ping-pong ball?"

"More of a bowling ball."

"I will cut you."

oOo

"So, you're sending me back to your best friend? What am I, a ping-pong ball?"

"Well... In the eyes of Bette, you abandoned her. She's claiming a year of alimony. And new boobs. Sparky messed them up."

"And whose fault is that?"

oOo

"Oh, for fuck's sake Sparky, stop trying to milk my tits, I'm barren because cheap ass slag yanked my vagina with its bare hands. It was like having all your periods at once. A blood bath."

"No more milk for me, Mum."

"Good boy."

oOo

"Oh, for fuck's sake Sparky, stop trying to milk my tits, I'm neutered. You did not come out of my vagina, nor out of Bette's!"

"You mean I'm adopted?"

"It's gonna be a long day."

oOo

"Oh, for fuck's sake Sparky, stop trying to milk my tits, I'm neutered. So is Bette. The only you'll get out of us is year-old cream cheese."

"I'm done with milk."

oOo

"Your shirt is is a smudge smidged… A smud smooged… A smood mudge… It's fugly."

oOo

"Human cattle?"

"Yes, P.B.?"

"What's that you dropped on the floor?"

"Parmesan."

"Yummy. I'll clean it right off."

"Parmesan from my feet. I used my heavy duty scraper."

"I'll kill you."

oOo

"Human cattle?"

"Yes, Red?"

"What's that you dropped on the floor?"

"Parmesan."

"Parmesan from your feet you scraped?"

"Yes."

"Pick it up."

"I'll do it after my show."

"Now, or else…"

"Yes, Ma'am."

oOo

"Human rat bastard?"

"Yes, Sparky?"

"What's that you dropped on the floor?"

"Parmesan."

"Yummy. I'll clean it right off."

"Parmesan from my feet. I used my heavy duty scraper."

"Yeah, whatevs. It tastes like fish"

oOo

"What? Another fucking car to transport me? To where now?"

"To infinity and beyond! Well, back to Lille, where I live."

"You don't live in Lille. You're too poor. You live in suburbia."

"Oh, so you remember living there as evil-ridden bile-spewing kitten span of Satan?"

"Of course, I do. It's home. I've been yearning to go back there since I left with you for London two years ago."

"Great. You made me cry."

oOo

"Welcome home!"

"Stop crying, sissy. Now."

"Are you happy to see me?"

"No, it's a crayon in my pocket."

"I just threw up a little in my mouth."

"Story of my life."

oOo

"I've missed you."

"Good on ya, mate."

"Somebody spent too much time in London."

"Deffo."

oOo

"What the hell is that fat furry ball over there?"

"Pacha. I took him in after his owner died of old age."

"Did he eat him?"

oOo

"I just insulted him and he's not talking back. Is he defective?"

"Nope, just submissive."

"So, you're telling me he's my new wife?"

"No, I'm not. I never said that. Absolutely not what I said."

"What was that?"

"Nothing. As you were."

oOo

"Yo, Pariah. That's your new name."

"Ok, I'm submissive and have no self-esteem. Wanna have neutered gross sex while I eat dry food off your barren tits."

"Ok, what the hell, he's like a fat male version of Better. Wait, scratch that. He's just a fat version of Bette. She always wore the strap-on dildo in the relationship."

"I am truly appalled."

oOo

"So, Pariah. We have your nickname, we have the name given by your previous owner. What name did your mother give you?"

"Spaying Fail."

"That bitch. Well, you're not a failure. You're my Pacha. I love you with all my heart, even when you have dripping diarrhoea on my desk chair and I sit on it by mistake."

"Thank you. So you mean I don't have to be submissive ever again?

"Yes. Well…"

"What?"

"I feel like a pimp saying that… If you ever want to have sex with Hylda ever again...

"I have to stand up and be a real man."

"Not quite."

"Oh. I have to shut up and be her bitch."

"Spot on."

oOo

"So you're going to visit your mother?"

"Yep."

"Are you gonna leave us to dry up and mummify in this blazing heat?"

"No, my downstairs neighbour will come everyday to feed you, change the water, clean the poop box and play with you."

"Can we make her trip?"

"Yes, if you want to be left on your own for the next weeks without food and water."

"But we can eat her."

"Yes, you can. You can also put your head in a running meat grinder but I don't recommend any of those actions."

oOo

"Who are the two slut on the pictures you put on facebook."

"My mother's kittens."

"Whore."

oOo

"Whore."

oOo

"Whore. Just. Whore."

oOo

"They are just kittens. We played, napped together and that was it."

"Statutory rape. Even worse."

"And this guy says 'whaaaaaaaaaat?'"

oOo

"I'm back."

"Yeah, yeah. I was bored so I started shitting in your clothes hamper."

"Did my neighbour fail to clean the litter box properly."

"Nope. I just felt like it. Oh, yes, I almost forgot. Look. If I sit like that, I can piss in the sink."

"Yay?"

oOo

"Hi beloved cat. Hi Hylda. Look what I brought?"

"Is it food?"

"No, Pacha."

"Can it be food?"

"I'd rather not. It's a kitten. Her name's Schrödinger."

"Bless you."

"Happy, Hylda? You're gonna have another puppet to order around."

"Meh. I'm gonna hit it and spit on it, hit it and steal its food for a week and then I'll wrestle it when I'm bored and let it in a ten feet radius from me."

"Or, I'll make you my bitch, right now, bitch. That's your name from now on, by the way, bitch. Bring me food."

"Yes, ma'am."

oOo

"Pacha, what do you think of Hylda being all submissive and stuff."

"Makes me wanna barf and eat it right up."

"Were you raised with dogs?"

oOo

"Bitch, that's my spot."

"It's a king size bed. Go on one side and I'll go on the other."

"Move. Now."

"She's being mean to me! I am the mean one! I'm Dorothy. You're Blanche and Pacha is somehow Rose."

"Yeah, and I'm Sophia, bitch. Now, move on the couch with Fatty Bom Bom, Sweet Sugar Dumplings over there."

"But he tries to fuck me with his flaccid gerkin while eating my food."

"Tough shit. My upper jaw has an overbite, I'm allergic to detergent and the humans I own before this slut cut my whiskers and broke said jaw. I have so much fleas they colonized me and declared indepedance."

"Oh, poor little thing, come give us a hug."

oOo

"What is this strange feeling I feel towards you? Is it love?"

"No, that's Paria trying to fuck you."

oOo

"What is this strange feeling I feel towards you? Is it love?"

"No, that's Paria licking your ass clean because he is on a diet."

"Eew."

oOo

"Aww, you like each other now."

"Yes, and we still don't like you. Go away."

"I like you. When you give me food."

"And that's true love, uh, Pacha?"

oOo

"Aww, you like each other now."

"Aww, you've put on twenty pounds."

"Dear Dog Backwards, they've multiplied. What have I done?"

oOo

"What's her name again?"

"Schrödinger."

"Bless you."

"You already made that joke."

"I meant bless you to have given her a name I can make fun of all her life."

"I thought you liked each other now?"

"Oh I do. That's how I treat everyone I love."

"Aww. Does that mean you lik…"

"Don't go there. You're not going to like my answer. And then you'll cry. And put on another twenty pound and fuse with your ugly new couch… Oh, drop the cake. It's already going on your thighs. Oh my God ! Who cry-eats ? Stop licking crumbs on the floor. Have you no self-control?"

oOo

"It's a tradition around here. What did you mother name you?"

"Whatever."

"Oh come on. It's just a game. What did she name you?"

"Whatever."

"You're no fun."

"Oh my God, Even Pacha got it."

"I know I should be offended, but…

"Yeah yeah. Whatever, Pacha."

"Are you making fun of my name?"

"No, I was reminding Pacha he is the Rose Nylund of this relationship."

"By making fun of the fact my birth name is Whatever."

"What is your fucking birth name?! This conversation makes no sense."

"Whatever."

"Whatever."

"Yeah, whatever."

"I hate all three of you.

"Whate…"

"Don't you fucking dare."

oOo

"Oh, she named you Whatever."

"Did it really take you three days to figure it out?"

oOo

"Let me love you, goddamn it!"

"Meh. No thanks."

oOo

"Do you pronounce it "gueef" or "jeef"?"

"It's pronounced 'You will die alone'."

oOo

"What's with pulling out the cushion of my Ikea sofa you ravaged in less than a year with your evil claws and hiding underneath them?"

"I'm not sure you will like my answer?"

"Is it to not see my fugly face anymore?"

"Nope, it's to masturbate in peace but I like that answer too."

"Please don't masturbate on my couch."

oOo

"You're back at that whore's place?"

"I'm visiting my mother. And fuck you."

"I meant that ugly ass female cat with a Hitler's moustache. And that orangey thing next to it."

"You mean her brother?"

"Yeah, whatever. You are a punk ass whore and I have pissed on your bed."

oOo

"You're back at that whore's place?"

"I'm visiting my mother. And fuck you."

"I meant that ugly ass female cat. You poor mother is not a whore, just the victim of faulty contraception."

"Hello, Craig's List, I'd like to place an ad for a cat."

oOo

"Stop petting her pussy."

"It's not her pussy, it's her head."

"I meant you mother's female cat. And eeeew. Gross. Don't come back. "

oOo

"Stop petting her pussy."

"It's not her pussy, it's her head."

"I meant your mother's pussy. I meant her female pussy. Oh, screw it. Fuck that! Damnit!"

"These are going to be three long weeks of avoiding each other's gaze when I come back."

"Yup."

oOo

"Hey, Sleep Farts?"

"Yes, Demon Span?"

"You finally broke that damn vacuum cleaner with your OCD cleaning?"

"Yep."

"Cool. We're going to play twice as hard so you get even more cat hair everywhere and put as much litter as we can around the tray."

"I guess that's the closest thing to doing something with your life as you'll ever get, Hylda."

"Fuck you."

oOo

"Hey, Pimplerella?"

"Yes, Black Mold?"

"You finally broke that damn vacuum cleaner with your OCD cleaning?"

"Yep. And I bought a new one."

"Fucking great."

"It's wireless."

"Fuck."

"And lighter so I can move around faster with it."

"Stop it."

"And it doubles as a handheld vacuum cleaner so I can vacuum the couch, the cat tree, the bed. Anywhere, really."

"…"

"I'll be everywhere. At any given time. Are you crying?"

"No! You're crying!"

oOo

"Hey, Not So Hot Stuff?"

"Yes, Mood Swings?"

"You finally broke that damn vacuum cleaner with your OCD cleaning?"

"Yep. And I bought a new one."

"Are you going to date this one too?"

"Nope, but I can't wait to put my penis inside it. So, yes."

oOo

"Who are they?"

"My new tenants."

"Are you so poor you have to share your own flat?"

"Uh… Have we met? Yes, I have to."

"Is that why we eat dry biscuits for food every single day?"

"That and because it tickles me."

"Cunt. I want caviar. And stop quoting Golden Girls. You sound like you're sixty-five."

"Did you just hear what I just said about being poor and lower lower lower middle-class?"

oOo

"I like the new tenants better than I like you. They're nice to me. "

"I like Pacha better that I like you two. He's nice to me."

oOo

"Schrödinger?"

"Yo."

"Why do you only let my tenants pet you and run from my arms when I try to cuddle you?"

"Are you really sure you want to know?"

"No."

"Then, stop asking every five damn minutes."

oOo

"Hylda?"

"Yup."

"Do you want to be inside or outside?"

"Fatal Crash. Your cat will now be reset to factory settings."

oOo

"Pacha?"

"Yes."

"Do you want to inside or outside?"

"…"

"Why are you crying and barfing at the same time and eating it right back up?"

oOo

"Schrödinger?"

"What?!"

"Do you want to inside or outside?"

"I fail at life. All I have left to do is jump out that window… Ouch."

"The window is closed."

"Stop cleaning so much and get a life."

oOo

"You're gonna be two years clean from drugs, right?"

"Yes."

"Don't they say in Narcotics Anonymous your life is supposed to improve if you stay clean."

"Yes, and it has."

"Has it? Has it really?"

"I hate you."

oOo

"You're addicted to catnip."

"You're addicted to crystal meth."

"How many fingers am I holding up?"

"Blue."

oOo

"You're addicted to catnip."

"You're morbidly obese."

"You're old."

"Oh no, you didn't. Scram."

"This is my house."

"SCRAM!"

"Ok. Can I finish peeing first?"

"Sure."

oOo

"You're fat."

"You're fugly".

"Your vagina has cobb webs."

"So does yours."

"HA HA HA! Good one! You win this one."

"Really?"

"Gotta let you win sometimes, you're so unwittingly fat."

"That doesn't even make sense."

"Your face doesn't even make sense."

"I win."

"Sure. Whatever. OK, if that's what you really want."

"I hate you."

"Sore loser."

"This conversation is too long, you're haemorrhaging followers."

"So I win?"

"Yes, sure… Damn it! Damn it to hell!"

"The master!"

"Stop quoting Roseanne.'

oOo

"I don't know what to write anymore, I think I should put an end to this and close the Facebook page."

"Oh my God! Hallelujah! Praise the Lord!"

"You've convinced me. I'm keeping it open for a few more years."

"Fuck."

oOo

"I don't know what to write anymore. I have no more bitching and moaning left in me."

"Yes, and I'm not black. She's not a frigid pack of ice and he's not a fat sack of unwashed crap."

"Black and fat."

"There you go. Oh, by the way, you will die alone."

oOo

"I don't know what to write anymore…"

"Oh shut the fuck up. You've been doing that joke for three days. We all know you're not quitting. If you stop writing, all you're left with is eating and wanking and ultimately jump out that window."

"…"

"It's funny cause it's true. Well, except when you wank and eat at the same time, because that is just sad. And unsanitary."

oOo

"Hylda? Hylda? Hylda?"

"…"

"Hylda Hylda Hylda Hylda Hylda Hylda Hylda Hylda Hylda Hylda?"

"What, numbnuts?"

"I love you."

"You made me turn my head for 'that'. Guess which toy I will play with when you fall asleep tonight?"

"The golf ball?"

"Bingo."

oOo

"Stop sharpening your claws on my expensive IKEA couch."

"It's ugly and it smells bad."

"So are you. So do you. Still you don't see my sharpening my claws on your face."

"Your sense of logic never ceases to amaze me."

oOo

"Stop shitting in the bathroom. Please. It's an order."

"Wimp."

oOo

"Whatever happened to that plan of putting your penis in the new vacuum cleaner?"

"Well, I figured that it's probably what killed the last one so I refrained from doing it. I must have choked it to death."

"Don't you mean 'died chocking itself to death from laughter at the size of your cocktail wiener'?"

"No, I don't."

"Yes, you do."

oOo

"Do you think we should do one of these in French?"

"No, I don't."

"How anti-climactic."

"Tout à fait, trou-du-cul."

"I hate you."

oOo

"Still don't want to do one act in French?"

"No."

"Why?"

"Think about it: what happened when the group Kiss removed their make-up?"

"They lost all interest to their fans and stopped being famous and relevant."

"Exactly.'

"So you fear that it is what might happen to us?"

"Not at all. You're not famous and irrelevant right now. So that might make you famous. And the world doesn't want that. It just told me."

"…"

oOo

"What's that?"

"It's a crystal ball that lets you see into the future."

"Why am I seeing hairy testicles?"

"Those are mine. I'm going to have sex tonight next to your face."

"Barf."

oOo

"The crystal ball is showing like a video…"

Sizzling sound

"Hello, Mr Nochair. We are here to learn more about your cat desensitization to vacuum cleaners program. Tell us how it works."

"It's pretty simple. We either train you to reproduce the sound of the machine or provide you with the app that lets you trigger the sound when you're petting your cat or sleeping with them. The stroking gesture helps soothe the cat and get used to the sound, little by little."

"Don't the cat gets overly stressed or well, lose one of their nine lives?"

"Oh they do sometimes. But let me introduce my test subjects to you. This is Pacha 4. This is Schrödinger 8 and this is… Mecha Hylda… After the hundredth one, she switched to a catdroid model."

Sizzling sound

"Fuck you, man. Just fuck you."

oOo

"I want a sphynx cat."

"No more cats."

"Oh, I'm not bringing in another cat. I'm having one of you three fully waxed."

"Hell no, bitch."

oOo

"I don't say that a lot but I love you, man. With all your quirks and shit."

"Are you high on catnip?"

"Fuck yes."

oOo

"Where are we going? Why am I in the box of Hell? It's not the way to the vet! Don't dump me in a trash can. I won't piss on you when you sleep anymore! I won't rub my ass on your mouth at night! I won't switch the tuna with the cat food!"

"We're not going to the dumpster. We're going to a Narcotics Anonymous meeting. And ewww."

"Have you finally snapped and embraced the crazy cat lady inside of you and decided to take me wherever you go?"

"We're going for you."

"Fuck no."

"You're in a tiny cage. Try escaping. I dare you."

"I'll projectile piss."

"I'll put a cardboard sheet on the grid and you'll golden shower yourself, Trump style."

"Fuck."

oOo

"Introduce yourself."

"No."

"I'll give you catnip if you do."

"Oh, alright then… Hmmm… I see your point there. Hi everyone, I'm Hylda and I'm an addict."

"Aaaaahhhh! A talking cat!"

oOo

"God, grand us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, the courage to change the things we can and the wisdom to know the difference. Keep coming back, it works if you work it so work it because you're worth it!"

"Welcome, Hylda. You're in the right place."

"Tell me about it. Though it didn't do much on this one."

"You don't say."

"Hey! I'm right here!

"We know. Right here. In the same spot. For the past two years."

"What fresh hell have I unleashed? Why did I ever bring her?"

"For validation, human. For validation."

"Damn, she's been there an hour and she thinks she has figured it all out."

"Speaking of figuring it all out… Sorry I haven't introduced myself. I'm Rob. If you're an household pet with no opposable thumbs, how come your owner have not just stopped giving you catnip, forcing you to get clean? Or stop buying it all together?

"That's easy. He is an enabler."

"Just shoot me."

oOo

"So I should just cuddle you when you feel like it and sit pretty the rest of the time."

"Yes, but in your case, just sit."

"Bitch."

oOo

"No need smelling my hand, there is no food in it, Pacha."

"I was not looking for food, I was trying for you to pet me."

"No, you were looking for food."

"Yeah, I was."

oOo

"You're a fucking pain but you're cute."

"Yep, or to sum up: you're a man."

"Not necessarily, some men are just fucking pains."

"Do you mean me?"

"Who else?"

oOo

Human: What is that on your nose?

Hylda: Litter.

Human: Did you snort some?

Hylda: Maybe.

Human: How are you feeling?

Hylda; Gravelling.

Human: Good one.

oOo

Human: What is that on your nose?

Hylda: Litter.

Human: You should crush it with a debit card before snorting it."

Hylda: Good idea, you fucking enabler.

oOo

Human: Are we not going to be anything about your displacement of your catnip addiction to clumping litter?

Hylda: Ultra-clumping litter. I have standards.

Human: Since when? I've seen you licking catnip from a shag carpet!

Hylda: This is not a scene to be thrifty, dear.

(Last two lines are copyright from TV show Mom)

oOo

Human: I've been writing this for five years.

Hylda: Time well-wasted.

Human: Thanks… Hey!

oOo

Human: Will you never leave my grave like that cat on the Internet when I die?

Hylda: Couple of questions: which sordid sex club will your ashes be scattered at? How the fuck will I leave the flat? Why would I do that?

oOo

Human: Stop cuddling the computer, you're going to throw it on the floor. Again. Cuddle me instead. You can cuddle me for the rest of my life…

Hylda: Why are you crying?

Human: Because you can only cuddle me for the rest of your life. You'll be dead before I turn 41.

Hylda: Really? Am I sick? Am I dying?

Human: No.

Hylda: Then, why would I die next year?

Human: I'm 31.

oOo

Schrödinger: What's that?

Human: It's my boyfriend.

Schrödinger: Is he blind?

Human: No.

Schrödinger: Are you paying him?

Human: No.

Schrödinger: Does he want to hurt his family?

Human: I'm starting to get resentful.

Schrödinger: That's what he said.

oOo

Hylda: What's that?

Human: It's my boyfriend.

Hylda: He's comfy. I like him better that I don't like you. Go. He can stay and be my manservant. You should go. Really. It's gonna get graphic in about fifteen minutes.

oOo

Human: Why are you pooping outside the litter box when my boyfriend comes over?

Hylda: So he knows you have no authority and can't even have a relationship with an animal, let alone a devastatingly fluffy human being. Want my number, red? I ruv you. Me-ow!

Human: Don't worry, boyfriend. One word and she is out.

Hylda: Hey!

oOo

Hylda: Why did he choose you? He could have picked literally anybody else!

Human: That's what I tell myself about you everyday, Princess Beyonce. Life is just a string of bad decisions, uh?

Hylda: Do you want me to leave?

Human: Do what the fuck you wanna do, the door is wide open.

Human: Actually, it's not open enough. I don't have opposable thumbs.

Human: Oh sorry, is that better?

Hylda: Yep. Bye. Whatever.

Human: I can't believe she actually left.

oOo

Pacha: Where's my little clawing board?

Human: Hylda left.

Pacha: What did you do? The love of my life left!

Hylda: How can she be the love of your life? All you do is bite her and scratch her back?

Pacha: That's how I love.

Hylda: Sure. But you do know she is a lesbian, right?"

Pacha: What?!

Human: She was a committed u-haul lesbian relationship before she moved back here.

Pacha: …

oOo

Schrödinger: Where's my mummy?

Human: I'm right here.

Schrödinger: No, you're the help. Hylda is my mom.

Human: But all you do is yell at each other, spit and fight.

Schrödinger: I'm two years old. I'm a teenager. What did you expect? Be grateful I don't scratch your face out during the night. Bitch.

Human: So you do like her, Schrödinger?

Schrödinger: I worship her. She's my adoptive mother.

Human: So you're like a dysfunctional family? You're the mentally challenged kid and Pacha is the obese father whose non-wife eats pussy on the side but stays for the kid?

Schrödinger: And you're like the loser uncle that won't move out of the basement and can't do anything with his life. Oh, and fuck you, I'm not retarded. I'm just slow, awkward and I fall from chairs while not moving.

Human: Our fragile ecosystem is crumbling. What have I done? Oh, and fuck you. I'm not a loser. I just can't do life."

oOo

Human: Eat, Pacha. She'll be back when she's hungry.

Pacha: I'm on a hunger strike.

Human: Doesn't licking the poop stuck on your ass count as food?

Pacha: I don't know, does it, owner that won't clean me up?

Human: I do clean you up! Cats are supposed to clean themselves!

Pacha: I could if I was not fat from overeating!

Human: Then stop stuffing you face!

Pacha: Back at you, fatso!

Human: Fine!

Pacha: Fine!

Human: We need her back. We'll be dead in a week.

oOo

Human: I posted an ad on the Internet to find her.

Schrödinger: How will she check it? She has like one giant finger! And she is a cat!

Human: The same way she talks and goes to Narcotics Anonymous? Through the magic of story-telling?

Schrödinger: That strangely makes sense. Wait! Is this a work of fiction? Have we seen the matrix? Mind blown. Kapow!

Human: We need her back. We'll be dead in a week.

oOo

Pacha: Somebody is knocking at the door.

Human: Weird, I have a doorbell.

Pacha: You also have boobs. Doesn't mean you need to put on a bra.

Human: That makes no sense.

Pacha: Your face makes no sense.

Human: Being on a hunger strike seems to be giving you character, Pacha.

Pacha: I know, I hate it. I wanna be a doormat again.

Schrödinger: Will you open the fucking door?

Human: Ok ok… Hylda?!

oOo

Human: Hylda, you're back!

Hylda: Yes, I've seen the world and realized you could not survive without me.

Human: You could not open the downstairs door and wandered the hall for a week?

Hylda: I ate garbage. I've seen and done things! Please take me back.

Human: No, thanks, we're doing fine without you.

Hylda: Pacha is eating the couch. Schrödinger just set the kitchen table on fire and is hailing Satan.

Human: How do you know it was not what I was looking for this whole time?

Hylda: Because your arm is on fire and you're peeing and crying at the same time.

Human: Please come back. I beg you.

oOo

Human: Fix this!

Hylda: Pacha.

Pacha: Yes.

Hylda: I'll be bisexual for you. But we'll never have sex. If you touch me, I'll cut you from throat to scrot'.

Pacha: Ok. I'm hungry. Bring me food.

Hylda: Schrödinger?

Schrödinger: Yes, mum.

Hylda: I love you and I missed you.

Schrödinger: Whatever.

Hylda: Put the fire out and go to bed.

Schrödinger: Fine! I have to everything around here!

Hylda: Chickenshit!

Human: Yes.

Hylda: Direct the pee to your arm.

Human: No 'I love you'?

Hylda: You fail at life.

oOo

Human: Be kind to Schrödinger, she had a bad fall and has a concussion, and some memory loss.

Schrödinger: Hi, people. Hey, fat dirty disgusting cat! Who's the Mexicunt over there?"

oOo

Hylda: Is that cum on your beard?

Human: It's yogurt.

Hylda: So, yes?

oOo

Hylda: What's that on your beard?

Human: Cum.

Hylda: Why can't you just lie to me?

oOo

Schrödinger: No! Don't jump! Your life is not that bad that you'd have to commit suicide!

Human: I'm not committing suicide. I'm cleaning the windows.

Schrödinger: Really? 'Cause you missed a spot there.

Human: Meh. Maybe I'll jump after all.

Schrödinger: That's my boy.

oOo

Human: Meow! Meow meow! Meow! Hey, you came to me. Means I can speak cat.

Pacha: You just said 'Microwave! I eat cats! Sissy-pants!'. We came to tell you to stop. Forever.

Human: But you reacted to it. I spoke cat. To any humans I was meowing but to you, I was talking words.

Pacha: Any idiot can do that.

Hylda: And any idiot has!

Human: Meow!

oOo

Hylda: Where the hell have you been? I'm hungry.

Human: At the hospital. Having surgery.

Hylda: But you were there all the time feeding us.

Human: That was my mother.

Hylda: Meh. You all look alike to us.

oOo

Hylda: Why are not fat anymore?

Human: I had a gastric bypass.

Hylda: Shit. I can't call you fat anymore.

Human: You can call me a loser, a mess, a failure, say my hair is such a mess the Soup Kitchen wouldn't give it coffee.

Hylda: When you're right, you're right.

oOo

Human: I've run out of our stories to post.

Hylda: The end.

oOo

Hylda: So this is the end?

Human: Of you? Yes, you're being recast as white.

Hylda: You racist.

Human: I can't be racist, I have a black friend.

Hylda: Apparently, not for long, snowflake. Here is your tiki torch.

Human: This is very wrong. We should stop.

Hylda: The end.

Human: I'm glad you're taking it so well. Bye Felicia.

Hylda: Remember what happened the last time I left?

Human: Pacha. You're out. We need a token gay muscly cat.

oOo

Schrödinger: I want out. I have been offered a spin-off. Break my contract. It's reality TV with a box and a vial of poison and some parameters. Didn't quite get it.

Human: Of course you did not. Is it called "Schrödinger's fucktard cat"?

Schrödinger: Have you heard about it?

oOo

Schrödinger: So PETA had the show cancelled. They it's against humane treatment of animals.

Human: Well, they were going to kill you…

Schrödinger: Can I rejoin the cast?

Human: I'm afraid not, you've been replaced by a bird.

Pacha: Oh that wasn't my meal?

Human: Welcome back, Schrödinger!

oOo

Hylda: Fuck you!

Pacha: Fuck you!

Schrödinger: Fuck you!

Human: Can I weigh in?

All cats: NO! FUCK YOU TOO!

Human: Why?

All cats: No idea! Fuck you!

oOo

Human: I have nothing to say.

Hylda: Then shut the fuck up.

oOo

Hylda: Can you get a gastric bypass done on Pacha so he is not dirty and gross anymore and can clean himself?

Human: Do you really want him running faster when he tries to grab and bite you?

Hylda: Never mind.

oOo

Hylda: What died in here?

Human: Oh my God! That burp was so long I got dizzy. It's like my brain lacked oxygen for a second.

oOo

Hylda: Quick, fatso. Pretend to bite me so I'll scream and he'll wake up pissed and won't be able to go back to sleep and feed us.

Pacha: Yum. Food.

Human: I was awake the whole time.

Hylda: This is a dream. This is all a dream.

Human: Ok, I'll go back to sleep. Don't have to feed the cats, this is not real.

Pacha: Good job, genius.

oOo

Pacha: Do you want to get bitten and dry-humped?

Hylda: I wanna be scissored and ball-gagged.

oOo

Hylda: How did it go?

Human: It went great even though there were some friction.

Hylda: The gesture you're describing with your hand is scissoring.

Human: Well, that implies friction.

Hylda: You're not wrong.

oOo

Hylda: So the boyfriend deserted you.

Human: Yes.

Hylda: What they told you about him was all true?

Human: Yes.

Hylda: This stays between us but I'm proud of you for letting him a second chance like I let you a second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh…

Human: I get it!

Hylda: I'm also proud of you for not staying 40 years in a relationship that was not healthy like your mother. You will probably die alone and we'll eat you but you will live free of toxic people now and that's commendable. Well, probably free of people period.

Human: Thanks, I'll leave mayo and condiments by my dying bed.

oOo

Hylda: So the boyfriend deserted you.

Human: Yes.

Hylda: Is that why you're going cruising and fucking away the pain?

Human: Yes.

Hylda: Well, good thing you're taking the PreP, we don't want you full of diseases when you die alone and we eat you.

Human: The PreP only protects against HIV, not against STDs and STIs.

Hylda: Whatever. You'll be dead anyway.

Human: True.

oOo

Human: I'm so proud, Pacha. You lost 400 g. You're back to your lowest weight.

Pacha: That's because you feed me your soups from after your surgery.

Human: You're welcome. You're not constipated anymore.

Pacha: Thanks, now the internet knows I can't poop.

Human: Do you want a lady yogurt that will help with that?

Pacha: At least, it will be protein. I need protein.

Human: That's what he said.

oOo

Hylda: So he came to pick up his stuff?

Human: Yes, and when he left he left, he said "Thank you."

Hylda: That bitch. What did he mean? Thank you for being gullible? Thank for being so co-dependent you didn't see through the lies? Thank for failing at life so completely I was able to exploit your insecurities to gain material things and a roof over my head?

Human: Thank you.

oOo

Hylda: Stop dragging the desk chair so hard, I'm sleeping on top of it.

Human: Sorry, but black on black is just more black. I can't make out what's the chair and what's you…

Hylda: You racist.

oOo

Schrödinger: Why do you barely ever use me in your shitty stories?

Human: Because your name is too hard to write.

Schrödinger: Then copy it from old stories, you dumb-witted fuckwad!

Human: I feel stupid.

Schrödinger: -er than usual.

oOo

Schrödinger: Don't touch me with that gross hand!

Human: What?! I wiped it after I wanked. I didn't wash it but I wiped it.

Schrödinger: No, that gross finger that looks like a gaping asshole oozing pus.

Human: Oh yeah, that happened after it touched your wet food. That food didn't smell right.

Schrödinger: I'm gonna be sick.

Human: It's just a little pus. I'm still human! Don't lock me in the basement again, mommy!

Schrödinger: The final piece of the puzzle.

OOo

Schrödinger: When and where did you learn to pet my head like that?

Human: Just pictured how to reproduce the motion of a dildo.

Schrödinger: I need a cigarette.

Human: Eeew

oOo

Schrödinger: So are you gonna use me as a prop all the time now that you know you can copy and paste my name?

Human: Yep.

Schrödingerzer: And then you're gonna get lazy and just misspell it all the time… Eh! Stop that!

Human: Stop what?

Schroeder: Hey, I'm not the villain from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles!

Human: What do you mean?

That small in-bred tabby cat: Fuck you, man.

Human: No need to insult me.

That side-kick: I'll kill you.

oOo

Human: Shit! I've run out of stories to post.

Hylda: So you made that crap filler to have one more day of publishing? This is not Naruto.

Human: Am that obvious?

Hylda: You're the most basic bitch I know.

oOo

Human: I'm afraid to leave you to virtual strangers for four days while I go to London to celebrate my three years clean…

Pacha: Will he or she feed us and clean our poop?

Human: Yes.

Pacha: Then stay there.

oOo

Human: Will you behave?

All cats: No.

Human: Business as usual, then.

oOo

Human: Are you proud of me?

Hylda: For taking the bus to go to another country? You're riding it, not driving it. Do you want a medal for getting out of that hole and travelling? Don't take me with you. I might end up staying with strangers for two years.

Human: I meant for my three years clean. Never mind.

Hylda: Whoop dee freaking doo.

oOo

Hylda: You will come back, right?

Human: Of course. I still reserve the right to cancel it all because I don't want somebody else to take care of us.

Hylda: Well, they can't do a worse job than you do.

Human: Awwww, thanks.

oOo

Hylda: Are you gonna fuck the pain of your breakup away?

Human: Yup.

Hylda: Attaboy.

oOo

Schrödinger: You pushed me off the counter, you cunt!

Human: I most certainly did not.

Schrödinger: You did too. I felt your hand pushing me.

Human: You have balance problems. You fell.

Schrödinger: I did not.

Human: I was in the corridor and you were in the kitchen.

Schrödinger: You pushed me… with your mind.

Human; If I could do that, I wouldn't let you climb on the counter to start with and mess up my cleaning by stepping in the sink and onto the oven plates. Or would I?

Schrödinger: You monster.

oOo

Human: I'm done cleaning, you can step on the counter.

Schrödinger: What fun would that be? I can't mess it up now.

Human: Can I push you off the counter already?

Schrödinger: I knew it was you! You bastard!

oOo

Human: Why do you stand on the computer to make it beep every morning?

Schrödinger: Doesn't that wake you up?

Human: Yes.

Schrödinger: Doesn't you then cannot fall back asleep and get out of bed to feed us?

Human: Yes.

Schrödinger: Doesn't that drive you insane?

Human: Yes.

Schrödinger: Doesn't that answer your question.

Human: Yes…

oOo

Human: You like the tablet on top of the hot radiator more than you love me.

Hylda: How can I love something more than someone I don't love at all.

Human: I'm putting crap on the tablet so you can't sleep on it anymore.

Hylda: I'll push them.

Human: I'll turn off the radiator.

Hylda: You monster.

oOo

Human: Happy new year!

Hylda: Fuck you. Fuck this. Fuck everything.

Human: Sunshine of my life.

Schrödinger: I fell from the chair.

Human: Giving the tone for the year, and the rest of your life, my brain-damaged slow cat.

Pacha: I'm hungry and I want to dry-hump people with my flaccid gherkin.

Human: Don't we all?

oOo

Human: Ewww, Schrödy, you puked your dry food and it's not even chewed. No wonder why you barfed.

Schrödinger: I have a badly formed jaw. I can't help it. Don't handicap-shame me.

Human: You know what's the worst?

Schrödinger: You're ugly? You're fat? You're 80 and single?

Human: Non. If I let the barf here, Pacha will eat it. And you know what the worstest is?

Schrödinger: You're gonna let the barf there?

Human; Yup. 'Cause I'm a terrible human being.

oOo

Human: Hey Siri, turn on the lights in the bedroom, please!

Siri: Are your legs broken, numbnuts?

Hylda: Marry me, Siri.

oOo

Human: Hey Siri, turn on the lights on in the bedroom, please!

Siri: Planning to put your legs over your head? Slut red setting?

Hylda: Ha ha ha!

oOo

Hylda: I want you to keep both feet on the ground while you're with that guy.

Human: Then, let me change into something I can pull over my head.

oOo

Human: why don't you stay on my lap anymore?

Hylda: You're not fluffy anymore.

Human: But I'm still a fun place to sit on!

Hylda: That's what he said.

oOo

Hylda: Why do you put the Benny Hill theme song when you're running after me trying to put that cream on my back?

Human: Because it regulates my murderous intent towards you who won't let me cure her from her scabs?

Hylda: Aren't the scabs stress-related and you running after me screaming is making it worse?

Human: Hence the music.

Hylda: I get it now. You're an idiot. It's all so clear to me.

oOo

Human: Is biting your hair off your way to do a bikini wax? Is it a fashion statement? Do you want to be a hairless cat that looks angry and mad all the time?

Hylda: You stress me out with all the punching and self-harm. I'm worried and I mirror you. I might be a bitch, but I feel for you. I've seen you before and through active addiction and through painful recovery from drug addiction. I never pictured losing all that weight would trigger such hate towards yourself. I rarely say it but I love you.

Human: I'm sorry I made fun of you.

Hylda: That's alright. It was damn funny.

Human: You look like a day-walker without hair.

Hylda: I know, right? Like an albino.

Human: You know you're still in the top three of the most beautiful cats in the world?

Hylda: I never said I was ugly hairless. Who are the other two cunts rivalling me?

Human: Your brother and sister.

Hylda: But I'm really the winner, right?

Human: You really don't get the concept of equal love.

oOo

Human; Is the plant-based treatment the vet prescribes working?

Hylda: I'm chill, man. Try to annoy me.

Human: Hello…

Hylda: Not working, I'm pissed again.

oOo

Human: Are you more relaxed with the spray?

Hylda: Nope, you're still a cunt.

oOo

Hylda: How is cramming pills down my throat with me screaming going to help me relax and not rub myself raw?

Human: You had the option to take them mixed in with wet food or sardines. You didn't touch the food.

Hylda: It tasted like your farts.

Human: I honestly don't know how to respond to that.

oOo

Human: Do you want a hug?

Schrödinger: No! I want you to stop being a cunt!

Human: Are you sure? A hug would be faster.

oOo

Human: Do you want a hug?

Schrödinger: No! I want you to stop being a cunt!

Human: What about two hugs?

oOo

Human: I had a very good dialog we had in mid and I forgot to write it so now it's forgotten.

Hylda: Probably some kind of situation where your life was going nowhere so you went to a sex club and got plowed by ten guys.

Human: Probably.

oOo

Hylda: What's that white gunk you're spreading on my back. Is it cum?

Human: In Nagasaki, they like bukkake!

Hylda: You were supposed to say it was anti-fungal cream. Why are you not reading the script? Read the script!

Human: I like bukkake! I like bukkake!

Hylda: I just threw up in my mouth.

Human: What. Sorry, I was singing, didn't hear you come in.

Hylda: Oh, thank God.

oOo

Human: I must really be out of ideas because the dialogues I'm publishing tells of my life two weeks ago and not a year or two ago like they used to.

Hylda: Pull the damn plug.

oOo

Human: It's expensive but you're all getting the plant-based pills for relaxation. What do we want?

All cats: Hair Regrowth! No self-harm! No fungus!

Human: When do we want it?

All cats: We don't care! Just give us the drugs.

oOo

Hylda: He is cute. Is he gonna be your new boyfriend?

Human: I don't know. I'm getting into whatever this is with no expectations. We fuck, we eat, we watch a movie with Meryl Streep in which I don't want to slap her… Wait and see.

Hylda: Wow… Are you beconing normal? Haven't you written him a poem or told me you loved him after three weeks?

Human: Nope.

Hylda: Is it the upside down from that Stranger Things?

Human: Don't know. But I'm fine with not knowing.

Hylda: Ok. The moon is gonna crash into Earth in three days.

oOo

Human: By the way, the one day my name will be revealed will mean I'm terminating this thing.

Hylda: His name is M...

Human: Shut the fuck up.

oOo

Hylda: But your name has already been revealed.

Human: Really. Let me check.

Hylda: Wait for it…

Human: Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck me!

oOo

Human: That wasn't my real name.

Hylda: Yes it was.

Human: Ok. It'll end in a murder suicide, then.

Hylda: Cool. Here is a gun.

oOo

Human: Let's end it when you turn nice.

Hylda: This shit is gonna last forever.

oOo

Human: Let's end it when it becomes a successful comic strip.

Hylda: So, never?

oOo

Human: Your hair is not regrowing, I'm so sorry, it's all my fault, I'm stressing you out.

Hylda: You give yourself too much credit. You've be stressing me out all my life and only now am I tearing my hair off.

Human: I don't know if that's any better. I'm sorry. I love you.

Hylda: I love you too.

Human: What was that?

Hylda: Nothing. Just gas.

oOo

Human: Your hair is not regrowing, I'm so sorry, it's all my fault, I'm stressing you out.

Hylda: It's a choice, I want to no hair and a landing strip for Pacha's flaccid dick.

Human: Eeew.

oOo

Human: It had to happen. We ran out of stories to tell. Should we pull the plug?

Hylda: Yes! Oh my God! Yes! Yes! Yes!

Human: Stop it, you sound like one of my date.

Hylda: Oh you mean when they beg you top stop?

Human: Bitch.

oOo

Hylda: It that my anti-fungal cream in your pocket or are you happy to see me?

Human: It's anti-fungal cream. And eeew.

Hylda: Gotta run. You're not putting that shit on me.

oOo

Human: You smell like my dead grandmother when I put that cream on you.

Hylda: Before or after she died?

Human: Yes.

oOo

Human: You smell like my dead grandmother when I put that cream on you.

Hylda: Does that turn you on?

Human: Would it be creepy to say…

Hylda: I'm gonna go with 'yes'.

oOo

Human: Stop running after your tail. You bump into walls afterwards because you're dizzy. You're gonna kill yourself.

Hylda: My ass and tail itch.

Human: Do you want me to scratch your..

Hylda: Would you? I promise not to spray poop juice on you.

Human: No wonder I'm single.

oOo

Human: You can thank my recovering addict friends. It's them who figured out it was eczema that was driving insaner than you already are. I put cream on your whole body and you stopped licking yourself raw.

Hylda : Yeah, great. It's like a mullet: Sonic the hedgehog on the top, mole rat on the bottom.

Huma: It's funny 'cause it's true.

oOo

Hylda: There is a black thing chasing me! Make it go away.

Human: Don't be racist, that's a man renting my room through Airbnb.

Hylda: No that black thing behind me.

Human: Do you mean your shadow?

Hylda: I'm just a joke to you people, aren't I?

oOo

Human: I've written our very last conversation.

Hylda: Great. Bye, Felicia.

Human: No, I meant it's written and I'm gonna put as much filler conversations before the last one as I can and drag this shit out for another few months.

Hylda: I'll be over there cutting myself.

oOo

Human: How is your catnip addiction?

Hylda: I'm a grower, not a shower.

Human: So, you're dealing?

Hylda: You heard nothing, bitch.

oOo

Human: I'm happy, today.

Pacha: I barfed on the duvet cover you just changed.

Hylda: I shat on the rug.

Schrödinger: I dropped the PC on the floor.

oOo

Human: I'm sad today.

Schrödinger: I'm glad.

Pacha: I'm delighted. And hungry.

Hylda: I came a little.

oOo

Human: I feel mildly attractive today.

Hylda: Well, look closer.

Human: 'Cause I'm actually gorgeous?

Hylda: No.

oOo

Hylda: Your tank top is on backwards. You look like an extra from "Battlestar Galactica".

oOo

Human: Let's do an experiment. I'm gonna put you on this side of the door and me on the other side and see if my life improved tremendously.

Schrödinger: Are you kicking me out?

Human: Call it a life lesson. Here are ten euros and a hobo bag with dry food.

Schrödinger: Just because I stepped on the keyboard to wake you up so I could eat and not die?

Human: You erased my translation. I lost a client and five hundred euros and thousands more since I'm now clientless.

Schrödinger: Oh boohoo.

Human: Get the fuck out.

oOo

Hylda: Give me back my daughter.

Human: No, she went too far.

Hylda: She's retard…

Human: Do not use that word, it's not politically correct.

Hylda: Fucktard?

Human: No!

Hylda: Slow? Mentally-challenged? Trumpish? Pulling a you?

Human: What is wrong with you?

Hylda: I've lost my retarded daughter; that's what's happening.

Human: Facepalm.

oOo

Pacha: Who am I gonna drag by the neck in the corridor to get my co-dependency validated from you when you're in the toilets while wailing because I'm self-punishing for harming her?

Human: Get professional help.

Pacha: Like hiring an escort?

Human: Have some of this special wet food I bought you. It'll relax you.

Pacha: You know I don't care if there is a sedative in it? I have food issues.

Human: Let's say you have issues with life altogether. At which you fail.

Pacha: Well, you taught me well.

oOo

Hylda: So how long before you realize she was keeping one of your twisted personalities in check and you beg her to come back only to find her right behind the door or splattered in a ditch because she can't stand straight.

Human: I sleep better, I don't have IBS anymore, I eat less, do more work.

Hylda: You miss her?

Human: Like a severed arm.

Hylda: Why would you… Eh, never mind.

oOo

Pacha: I'm on a hunger strike until she comes back.

Human: Good. I'll save so much money I'll be able to buy a boat.

Pacha: Why would buy a boat inland? Eh, never mind. You stupid.

oOo

Human: I'm sorry, please come back. Or don't. I don't care. Whatever.

oOo

Schrödinger: I'm hungry.

Human: Weren't you…

Schrödinger: Weren't I what?

Human: Like, gone. And it's 'wasn't I'…

Schrödinger: I was taking a dump. And no, it's not, you grammar nazi.

Human: Taking a dump for seven days?

Schrödinger: I was gone thirty minutes. Can't a girl have constipation?

Human: But I… And you… Eh, never mind.

Schrödinger: I threw the PC on the floor while watching kitty litter porn.

Human: I don't even wanna know. Welcome back, Kotter.

oOo

Schrödinger: Hey, Blanche, while I was out, I passed a truck stop diner that had an egg dish named after you.

Human: Really? How did they cook them?

Schrödinger: Over easy.

oOo

Hylda: Who am I? What is this place? Where are we?

Miguel: You don't remember me? I'm Miguel, your owner.

Hylda: Miguel? Zit-faced? Looks like a baboon? Always fucking everything that has a dong? It's all coming back to me now… Let me bang my hand some more to see if I can forget it all again.

oOo

Pacha: Food me, mut! I mean : feed me, slut!

oOo

Human: I wrote our last conversation.

Hylda : Who cares? You can see the future but nobody reads this.

Human: Yes, I can see the future. Guess what? You're dead in it!

oOo

Human: These hotel prices are outrageous!

Hylda: Don't you usually get the groups rate?

Schrödinger: Remember, it's for the whole night.

Hylda: Oh right.

oOo

Hylda: Don't worry, if he has an eye for antiques, you're a shoe-in!

Pacha: Look who's calling the vase Ming?

oOo

Hylda: Did you sleep with him?

Human: Well, you know, being welcoming is a tradition in my family.

Hylda: What's that supposed to mean?

Schrödinger: His mother was a slut too.

oOo

Human: Do you know where I come from?

Schrödinger: Saint-Olaf? The cradle of idiocy?

oOo

Human: What did you think of me when I brought you home?

Schrödinger: I thought you were a slut and wore too much jewellery. But I was wrong, you don't wear too much jewellery.

oOo

Human: Hello!

Hylda: Have I given you any indication that I care?

oOo

Hylda: I've been reading this psychology book about sexuality…

Human: You can read?

Hylda: Yes, you hypersexual deluded bitch.

oOo

Hylda: And this blubbering mess would be what we call here the human slinky.

oOo

Hylda: Better late than…

Human: Pregnant!

oOo

Human: I'm gonna stop having sex.

Schrödinger: And the world gives a collective sigh of relief.

Hylda: But what will that do to the moral our troops overseas?

oOo

Human: Do you think he liked me for me or he just like older men.

Schrödinger: Sex-crazed maniac with a granny complex.

oOo

Schrödinger: Was the human naked or does his shirt really need ironing?

oOo

Hylda: Are you done ripping off Golden Girls, you human mattress? Where's the whipped cream?

Human: I'll go grab it, it's under my bed. And to all our readers, take this as an homage.

Hylda *coughs*: Plagarism…

oOo

Pacha: I'm moving out.

Human: Cool. Bye. Take the trash out.

Pacha: Aren't you preventing it since last time one of us left, all hell broke loose.

Human: Hylda was vital. Well, not vital as fruitful 'cause she's a dried up old barren spinster but like vital to our ecosystem. Sorry but all you do is eat and lay there like a frigid bad sex date.

Hylda: What he said… Hey! I'm not dried up!

oOo

Pacha: I'm moving out.

Human: Cool. Bye.

Pacha: Aren't you preventing it since last time one of us left, all hell broke loose.

Human: Hylda was vital. Well, not vital as fruitful 'cause she's a dried up old barren spinster but like vital to our ecosystem. Sorry but all you do is eat and lay there like a frigid bad sex date.

Human: So he's you. Why don't you leave too?

oOo

Human: I bought fancy juice at Lidl. Let's celebrate like rich people!

Hylda: Don't you see ANYTHING wrong with what you just said.

Human: Shut up or I'll buy you their dry food.

Hylda: You wouldn't dare!

Human: Try me.

Hylda: Let's par-tay, bitch!

Human: Much better.

Hylda: Was Pacha keeping your inner bitch in check?

Human: Dance for me, flying monkey. Retarded cat, rub my feet!

Schrödinger: Oh hell no!

Human: Now!

Schrödinger: Yes, sir.

Hylda: Oh he's got too much power, that ends now.

Human: Clean over there!

Hylda: I don't have opposable thumbs. And what are you showing me?

Human: The horizon!

Schrödinger: To be continued… Tuh tuh tuh!

oOo

Schrödinger: If you want a Maserati, you gotta work, bitch!

Human: If you want dry food, you gotta shave my calluses, bitch.

Schrödinger: You have a pistachio stuck to your pinky toe. Oh, that's your nail…

oOo

Hylda: Good thing is I don't tear my hair out anymore. When I go to bed, I'm so tired I'm legally dead for seven hours.

Schrödinger: Twelve years a cat slave.

Hylda: Why, because I'm black?

oOo

Human: Pacha is coming for a visit. Prepare some dry food.

Hylda: Yes, master. Your wish is my command. As soon as I'm finished knitting this Nyquilt.

oOo

Pacha: Hi, girls. Hi, miss.

Human: Bring the food.

Hylda: How have you been?

Pacha: Awesome. I've lost weight. My hair has regrown and I could swear I'm taller.

Hylda: Cool cool cool cool cool. There are roofies in the food. You're never leaving again. See you in a few hours.

oOo

Hylda: Slept well, my pet?

Pacha: I don't remember much. Was there like tryptophan in the food? Really gotta go back to the girlfriend.

Hylda: I've left a few pictures we took to remind you. Please take a look.

Pacha: Dear God! Why is my… on top of the… What am I wearing? Is that…

Hylda: The couch is over there. Please go lay on it like a fat slob? Shall I break up with your girlfriend since you'll never set foot outside of the flat ever again? She saw the pictures anyway because I sent them to her.

Pacha: I'm hungry, horny and flaccid.

Hylda: Good boy. Human garbage?

Human: What? I'm stalking that gym bunny on Facebook!

Hylda: Attaboy. All is well that ends well. For me. Now that's an ending.