The Birmingham Awards Ceremony

By Shadowgate

A small community in Birmingham Alabama didn't have a lot of money. That's why many members were grateful that the owners of a ballroom let them have a free awards ceremony for a day.

The hostess Cindy Bluecap stepped up to the microphone.

"Good afternoon everyone! I am very grateful that all of you could make it to this awards ceremony."

Over 200 people were sitting in the audience.

Cindy continued "I would like to thank the owners of this private ball room for allowing all of us to hold this awards ceremony free of charge for the day."

Cindy took a deep breath and continued "today we will be hearing from three outstanding residents of Birmingham Alabama. The first one we will hear from is a member of the Birmingham Fire Department who saved a little old lady from a burning building."

All of the sudden Cindy is cut off by a homeless man who walked on to the stage and said "I want to have sex with you."

Cindy screamed and knocked out the homeless man.

Cindy then yelled "Oh my God where is the security?"

The audience is in total shock and five minutes after security removed the drunken homeless man Cindy Bluecap got back on the microphone.

"Everyone please remain calm. Now I know that was unexpected however let's not get side tracked because we need to give our full attention to Rex Humphrey who is works for the fire department. He rescued a little old lady from a burning building."

Rex Humphrey talks the microphone and begins.

"Good evening ladies and gentlemen. I rescued a little old lady from a motel on Banner Road last week. That motel fire was a bad one and as you're no doubt aware that motel is gone. Anyhow if that ghetto motel wasn't bad enough the little old lady I rescued stunk like piss."

A good portion of the audience laughed but Cindy Bluecap had a look of horror on her face.

Rex continued on "one thing I want you all to know is the Birmingham Fire Department Chief is not very masculine. He likes to try on his wife's dresses and bras. One night at 3AM I saw him wearing one of his wife's bras and I yelled 'that man wore a bra."

The audience laughed their asses off. Cindy was disgusted and said "that will be enough Rex here is your award."

Cindy is disgusted but then says "let's move on with the ceremony shall we?"

A little boy in the audience answered back "no" and then everyone laughed.

Cindy groaned with a smirk on her face.

Cindy continued on "anyhow the next person I will be presenting an award to is a school teacher named Emily Packard. She is a dedicated school teacher and she opened up her own private school using the money her father left her after his passing. Please welcome the honorable Emily Packard."

Emily steps up to the microphone as the audience claps and says "thank you everyone."

All of the sudden two police officers charge up on the stage.

One of them yelled "I'm Officer Randy Burner and this is my partner Mike Lobster. We're here to arrest Emily Packard for the murder of her husband."

Officer Burns puts the handcuffs on her and Officer Lobster turns to Cindy and says "she's not honorable, how dare you say she's honorable!"

Officer Lobster gives Cindy Bluecap a raspberry and she's in shock. The audience laughed their asses off.

Cindy Bluecap was so embarrassed and she quickly grabbed the microphone and said "everyone please that was most unexpected. We will now move on to our final award and that goes to a strong and brave 11 year old girl named Denise Manfield. Last Saturday Denise fought off a kidnapper in the park. Let's give a big hand to Denise Manfield."

The audience cheered as an 11 year old girl walked up to the microphone.

"Hello everyone it's great to see all of you out here. Anyhow I just hoped my mom remembered to put my dynamite stick in her purse in case we need it."

Cindy turned to Denise and asked her "what on earth would you need a dynamite stick for?"

Denise turned to Cindy and said "the police officer gave you the raspberry so you must suck really hard."

The audience laughed out loud.

Denise's mother Emma Mansfield got up on the stage and said "Denise you are acting foolish and I want it to stop right now."

All of the sudden a crash was heard from the ballroom kitchen and Denise yelled into the microphone "oh good a dynamite stick went off."

Cindy was at her wits end and said "alright everyone that is the end of the Birmingham Award Ceremony."

The ballroom owner got up on stage and yelled "I can't believe I let you host here for a day free of charge. That fireman spoke of the perverted, your dear friend the teacher is a killer, and that little girl was a brat. They didn't deserve awards and you didn't deserve to be on this stage."

Cindy screamed out loud and walked off the stage crying.

The End