The Spy Who Talked to Me Through a Radio Transponder

Note: A hilarious narrated audio version of this story can be found on Youtube. Just do a YT search for The Spy Who Talked to Me Through a Radio Transponder.

You'll find it.

Zach Brown, Alien Black Ops

Aided by Sophia Primrose and a pack of galactic gadgets even Bond couldn't compete with, Zach Brown aims to dismantle a cabal trying to take over the world from a small island.

Chapter 1: Bristol Apartment

Lightening flashed and thunder crashed. The air was ripe with mystery and intrigue, as a certain man known as Zach Brown made his way via motorcycle up to the entrance to his apartment, relinquishing his tight grip on the road as if trapping a ravenous beast in a cage. He marched towards the door to what would be his humble abode, if he wasn't renting. He flicked ashes from a dead cigarette into a spare tray atop a locker as he made his way upstairs to his room, key in tow. He unlocked the door and entered his room.

Zach sat on his couch watching the evening news in his Bristol apartment, drinking tea, while carelessly and ruthlessly smoking cigarettes. Zach was in his mid-thirties, possessed brown eyes, gray hair, and a very serious no-nonsense disposition, which did not fit him well, as he specialized in things that some not in the know would consider pure nonsense. He also said rather silly things at times but kept his cool no matter how ridiculous he sounded to others, much like many of his friends as well. He spoke with a thick yet indistinct British accent. His job was being a host of a paranormal TV show that attempted to find the true meanings behind the mysteries of the world. He slouched back on his couch, and turned off the TV when he heard a buzz from his cell phone.
"Hello. Yes? Listen, it won't work, time slot confliction. The damned BYZ network just called an hour ago," said Zach in his deep melodramatic voice.
He continued, "Well, the bloody arses said you could do the show on Thursdays, but-but-Agatha stop it! Stop it Agatha!" Zach's pet cat Agatha had just pounced on his lap and was nuzzling
up to the phone. "I guess I'll have to let you go, woman to attend to" CLICK! He pushed the end-call button, and that was that. He then let out a loud yawn.
"I'm feeling hungry, why do I crave fine caviar" pondered Zach. Then he got another call on his phone.
"Zach? Zach are you there? This is Sophia, Sophia Primrose!" yelled Sophia.
"Sophia, ah yes, I remember that name from somewhere" said Zach.

"Stop murmuring! You murmer so much, it's like your regular voice is nothing but murmuring" said Sophia, in an oddly caring comforting tone.

"Sorry then," murmured Zach. He stopped, and continued listening to what Sophia had to tell him.
"I feel positively pitchkettled, my recording equipment keeps failing, oh and did you order that device for the episode that airs tomorrow?" asked Sophia.
"Yes, yes, I did. It's right here with me, I haven't used it yet, radio transponder" said Zach.
"A bloody what? Radio transpondah, blimey what the hell is that? Are you sure that's what you got?" asked Sophia.
"Let me read here in the fine print-yes-radio transponder. That is most certainly what it is my dear" said Zach.
"A radio transponder, a radio transponder, you know not what powers you toy with Zach, you know not what powers you toy with," said Sophia.
"Well, the situation is relatively safe, I mean I haven't used it yet" replied Zach.
"That's good, that's good that you haven't used it yet Zachariah. That device is highly sensitive and it should only be used for experimental purposes" explained Sophia. She continued, "I don't want you getting me involved in some stupid Doctor Who James Bond crossover"

"Bond would not put up with Doctor Who. They're like night and day. Besides, look at what happened to Doctor No" said Zach.

"True, but irrelevant. Zach, my point is you must not use the transponder!" insisted Sophia.
"Yeah, well, it's here, right next to me. Had it shipped all the way from a place called Birmingham, so it better be good" said Zach.
"I live in Birmingham, Zach" said Sophia.
"Crikey what a coincidence" said Zach.
"Right, well, I'll get back to you in a jiffy just as soon as my bloody landlord stops telling me my payments are late when they're not" said Sophia.
"So, you gotta talk to your landlord now?" asked Zach.
"Sadly, Zach, sadly. I just got an email, I don't do that sort of thing, I speak to people. I'm going to give him a piece of organic crumpet toast from my mind" said
Sophia.
"I had crumpet toast once, but I don't remember what it tasted like" said Zach. "Those were the days"

"Is there any wine left at your place?" asked Sophia. She continued, "So that I can join the fun?"

"Um, no" replied Zach.
"Goodbye Zach," said Sophia.
"Sophia? Sophia? She's gone," said Zach. Zach's eyes began ever so slowly turning towards the box sitting directly next to him.
"Sophia didn't seem too keen on radio transponders, but the bossman said we all needed to test one out for the sake of the audience" thought Zach.

Zach figured the entire purpose was to debunk the idea of radio transponders but he wasn't sure. When he opened up the package he soon realized this thing was
far more than just a radio transponder. It was a full-fledged communication device that came with a shiny instruction manual. Zach began flipping through the manual.

HOW TO CONTACT TECH SUPPORT.

Put two double terminated quartz crystals in their proper containers. Turn on the device. Make sure it's in an area where there are no conflicting signals.

"No conflicting signals, that's rich. In today's world? I think I'll try this though, I mean I could theoretically disrupt the conflicting signals with the
separate doo-hickey that comes with it" thought Zach. He began fiddling with the device trying all sorts of different things, still hearing nothing but static.
"Why did I even bother trying this out? I knew it wouldn't work" he pondered. Zach decided to just go back to watching TV again but realized due to what he
had done the TV would not come on. He couldn't call his friend Sophia either. So he went back to bed.

Later...

Zach heard knocking on his door. He also heard a muffled voice shouting at him.
"How did you get that thing? Who gave you this thing?" said the voice. Zach, being groggy and foggy headed could barely respond.
"Just leave it on the table, Sophia" said Zach.
"This is not Sophia! Do I sound like a Sophia to you?" asked the voice.
"No, more like...General Montgomery from World War 2" said Zach.
"Exactly, just what I wanted to hear. Well, not really. How did you obtain this device? I promise I won't hurt you little man" said the voice. Zach got up,
went to his drawer, and removed his high calibur pistol from its plastic bag casing. With his weapon drawn, he slowly inched towards the door. Aspy through the keyhole, he saw nothing. To his shock, he saw no face at all. He opened the door. He looked down at the floor and saw a small orange being with two beedy black eyes and funky green hair. The orange being looked like it was made of transluscent jelly. Zach pointed his gun at the being.
"Give me one good reason not to make cranberry jello" said Zach.
"It's not thanksgiving, mate!" replied the being.
"Clever, I suppose. What are you here to tell me?" asked Zach.
"Hello, I've come to tell you some interesting news" said the little orange man.
"I'm all ears, I guess" said Zach, in his deep voice.
"Before we begin our comprehensive training, I must know, how should I address you?" asked the orange man.
"I won't give you my name unless you give me yours, poppycock pushing plumb puncher" replied Zach.
"My name, good sir, is Commander Wilson. Is your name Zach Brown? Am I saying it the wrong way? To whom am I speaking?" asked the orange man.
"How did you know my name? Also, I prefer putting my name in laymans terms for the uninitiated" said Zach.
"Oh? And how do you suggest I do that?" asked the orange man, now known to be Commander Wilson.
"You kind of just say my name really slowly like Z-a-a-ch B-r-o-w-n. And then once they're accustomed to that you release your vocal grip" said Zach.
"You sound insane. Are you insane?" asked Commander Wilson.
"You tell me tiny little orange bugger. I was being sarcastic since you kept asking me how I should be addressed. I'm not a lord for gods sake" said
Zach.
"Oh, well, good point I suppose. So you may be wondering how I came into your house" said Commander Wilson.
"I somehow got you here with the radio transponder. What exactly makes you a commander?" asked Zach.
"I commanded a batallion of ships in the Kalentalian Navy on Planet 309 in the Gamma system. Now I run a spy agency, and I always have ample time for new
recruits" explained Commander Wilson.
"Fine, what does your agency do?" asked Zach.
"We investigate strange happenings much like you do on your show, only we do it to dismantle those who would steal our technology and use it for twisted
purposes" explained Commander Wilson.
"Technology? Like the radio transponder? You built that thing?" asked Zach.
"My people built those things so that we could communicate with a wider array of beings. Seeing as they work so well, it's high time I got out of here.
But, just remember, if anyone asks you to go anywhere tomorrow, don't do it, it's dangerous" said Commander Wilson.
"I have ways of defending myself" said Zach.
"I know you do, but you see the place Sophia went to, there's this old house there everyone thinks its public it's private and there's ghosts and aliens and
all kinds of things in it that go bump in the night" said Wilson.
"Yeah well going bump in the night isn't always a bad thing, so bump on out of here you ruffian" said Zach. With dejected eyes, the being walked away and
disappeared. Suddenly, everything worked again, including the tv and the phone. Zach got a call from Sophia.
"Hello? Zach? This is Sophia Primrose!" said Sophia.
"Listen, Sophia, we can't do the show tomorrow, it isn't working out" said Zach.
"You're not doing the show tomorrow? Oh well, would you mind if I went on without you and hosted myself?" asked Sophia.
"Let me put it to you this way, the Lake District is very dangerous, the house on that island is government property, you could be shot dead" said Zach.
"Dangerous? These lemon biscuits I'm eating are delectable, Zach. I can't hear you!" said Sophia. She loved lemon cookies, a LOT, and ate them with gusto.
"I'm just tellin' yeh, as a friend, don't think your trip tomorrow is a sputtle of Earl Grey cuz it ain't. More like a zesty raspberry zinger tea, but
not in a good way" said Zach.
"You need bed rest, Zach. The show's tomorrow, if you don't catch a twelve thirty flight to the Lake District, I will catch one myself" said Sophia.

"Sophie, I've told you I don't fly, I don't drive, I'm what you'd call a motorcycle exclusive kind of guy" said Zach.

"It sure as hell isn't Sophie, it's Sophia. Yes, I remember, it's why I agreed to date you. I'm gonna just catch the flight myself then" replied Sophia.
"You'll catch one yourself?" asked Zach.
"Yes," said Sophia, dipping a lemon cookie in her Earl Grey. "I'll catch a flight myself and be out of Birmingham before you can say Truffle Pumpkin"
"Truffle Pumpkin!" said Zach. He continued, "There, I just said it"
"I can say it faster than you!" replied Sophia. "Truffle pumpkin, truffle pumpkin, truffle pumpkin"
"Two can play at this! Truffle pumpkin, truffle pumpkin!" yelled Zach in a very serious determined no-nonsense tone.
"TRUFFLE PUMPKIN TO VENUS I WIN!" yelled Sophia in a high pitched tone.
"Sophia? Sophia? Are you gone? Aw, poodle pellets. I just hope I hallucinated that whole thing with the little orange guy!"

But then, Zach heard another voice.
"Go to the kitchen!" said the voice.
"Yes?" replied Zach.
"See that mixing bowl full of chocolate cream? Start mixing it, you'll start to see shapes and messages in the goop"

This was most certainly Zach's imagination.

THERE'S MORE IN CHAPTER 2! CLICK CHAPTER 2 NOW.

Zach sat on his couch watching the evening news in his Bristol apartment, drinking tea, while carelessly and ruthlessly smoking cigarettes. Zach was in his mid-thirties, possessed brown eyes, gray hair, and a very serious no-nonsense disposition, which did not fit him well, as he specialized in things that some not in the know would consider pure nonsense. He also said rather silly things at times but kept his cool no matter how ridiculous he sounded to others, much like many of his friends as well. He spoke with a thick yet indistinct British accent. His job was being a host of a paranormal TV show that attempted to find the true meanings behind the mysteries of the world. He slouched back on his couch, and turned off the TV when he heard a buzz from his cell phone.
"Hello. Yes? Listen, it won't work, time slot confliction. The damned BYZ network just called an hour ago," said Zach in his deep melodramatic voice.
He continued, "Well, the bloody arses said you could do the show on Thursdays, but-but-Agatha stop it! Stop it Agatha!" Zach's pet cat Agatha had just pounced on his lap and was nuzzling
up to the phone. "I guess I'll have to let you go, woman to attend to" CLICK! He pushed the end-call button, and that was that. He then let out a loud yawn.
"I'm feeling hungry, why do I crave fine caviar" pondered Zach. Then he got another call on his phone.
"Zach? Zach are you there? This is Sophia, Sophia Primrose!" yelled Sophia.
"Sophia, ah yes, I remember that name from somewhere" said Zach.

"Stop murmuring! You murmer so much, it's like your regular voice is nothing but murmuring" said Sophia, in an oddly caring comforting tone.

"Sorry then," murmured Zach. He stopped, and continued listening to what Sophia had to tell him.
"I feel positively pitchkettled, my recording equipment keeps failing, oh and did you order that device for the episode that airs tomorrow?" asked Sophia.
"Yes, yes, I did. It's right here with me, I haven't used it yet, radio transponder" said Zach.
"A bloody what? Radio transpondah, blimey what the hell is that? Are you sure that's what you got?" asked Sophia.
"Let me read here in the fine print-yes-radio transponder. That is most certainly what it is my dear" said Zach.
"A radio transponder, a radio transponder, you know not what powers you toy with Zach, you know not what powers you toy with," said Sophia.
"Well, the situation is relatively safe, I mean I haven't used it yet" replied Zach.
"That's good, that's good that you haven't used it yet Zachariah. That device is highly sensitive and it should only be used for experimental purposes" explained Sophia. She continued, "I don't want you getting me involved in some stupid Doctor Who James Bond crossover"

"Bond would not put up with Doctor Who. They're like night and day. Besides, look at what happened to Doctor No" said Zach.

"True, but irrelevant. Zach, my point is you must not use the transponder!" insisted Sophia.
"Yeah, well, it's here, right next to me. Had it shipped all the way from a place called Birmingham, so it better be good" said Zach.
"I live in Birmingham, Zach" said Sophia.
"Crikey what a coincidence" said Zach.
"Right, well, I'll get back to you in a jiffy just as soon as my bloody landlord stops telling me my payments are late when they're not" said Sophia.
"So, you gotta talk to your landlord now?" asked Zach.
"Sadly, Zach, sadly. I just got an email, I don't do that sort of thing, I speak to people. I'm going to give him a piece of organic crumpet toast from my mind" said
Sophia.
"I had crumpet toast once, but I don't remember what it tasted like" said Zach. "Those were the days"

"Is there any wine left at your place?" asked Sophia. She continued, "So that I can join the fun?"

"Um, no" replied Zach.
"Goodbye Zach," said Sophia.
"Sophia? Sophia? She's gone," said Zach. Zach's eyes began ever so slowly turning towards the box sitting directly next to him.
"Sophia didn't seem too keen on radio transponders, but the bossman said we all needed to test one out for the sake of the audience" thought Zach.

Zach figured the entire purpose was to debunk the idea of radio transponders but he wasn't sure. When he opened up the package he soon realized this thing was
far more than just a radio transponder. It was a full-fledged communication device that came with a shiny instruction manual. Zach began flipping through the manual.

HOW TO CONTACT TECH SUPPORT.

Put two double terminated quartz crystals in their proper containers. Turn on the device. Make sure it's in an area where there are no conflicting signals.

"No conflicting signals, that's rich. In today's world? I think I'll try this though, I mean I could theoretically disrupt the conflicting signals with the
separate doo-hickey that comes with it" thought Zach. He began fiddling with the device trying all sorts of different things, still hearing nothing but static.
"Why did I even bother trying this out? I knew it wouldn't work" he pondered. Zach decided to just go back to watching TV again but realized due to what he
had done the TV would not come on. He couldn't call his friend Sophia either. So he went back to bed.

Later...

Zach heard knocking on his door. He also heard a muffled voice shouting at him.
"How did you get that thing? Who gave you this thing?" said the voice. Zach, being groggy and foggy headed could barely respond.
"Just leave it on the table, Sophia" said Zach.
"This is not Sophia! Do I sound like a Sophia to you?" asked the voice.
"No, more like...General Montgomery from World War 2" said Zach.
"Exactly, just what I wanted to hear. Well, not really. How did you obtain this device? I promise I won't hurt you little man" said the voice. Zach got up,
went to his drawer, and removed his high calibur pistol from its plastic bag casing. With his weapon drawn, he slowly inched towards the door. Aspy through the keyhole, he saw nothing. To his shock, he saw no face at all. He opened the door. He looked down at the floor and saw a small orange being with two beedy black eyes and funky green hair. The orange being looked like it was made of transluscent jelly. Zach pointed his gun at the being.
"Give me one good reason not to make cranberry jello" said Zach.
"It's not thanksgiving, mate!" replied the being.
"Clever, I suppose. What are you here to tell me?" asked Zach.
"Hello, I've come to tell you some interesting news" said the little orange man.
"I'm all ears, I guess" said Zach, in his deep voice.
"Before we begin our comprehensive training, I must know, how should I address you?" asked the orange man.
"I won't give you my name unless you give me yours, poppycock pushing plumb puncher" replied Zach.
"My name, good sir, is Commander Wilson. Is your name Zach Brown? Am I saying it the wrong way? To whom am I speaking?" asked the orange man.
"How did you know my name? Also, I prefer putting my name in laymans terms for the uninitiated" said Zach.
"Oh? And how do you suggest I do that?" asked the orange man, now known to be Commander Wilson.
"You kind of just say my name really slowly like Z-a-a-ch B-r-o-w-n. And then once they're accustomed to that you release your vocal grip" said Zach.
"You sound insane. Are you insane?" asked Commander Wilson.
"You tell me tiny little orange bugger. I was being sarcastic since you kept asking me how I should be addressed. I'm not a lord for gods sake" said
Zach.
"Oh, well, good point I suppose. So you may be wondering how I came into your house" said Commander Wilson.
"I somehow got you here with the radio transponder. What exactly makes you a commander?" asked Zach.
"I commanded a batallion of ships in the Kalentalian Navy on Planet 309 in the Gamma system. Now I run a spy agency, and I always have ample time for new
recruits" explained Commander Wilson.
"Fine, what does your agency do?" asked Zach.
"We investigate strange happenings much like you do on your show, only we do it to dismantle those who would steal our technology and use it for twisted
purposes" explained Commander Wilson.
"Technology? Like the radio transponder? You built that thing?" asked Zach.
"My people built those things so that we could communicate with a wider array of beings. Seeing as they work so well, it's high time I got out of here.
But, just remember, if anyone asks you to go anywhere tomorrow, don't do it, it's dangerous" said Commander Wilson.
"I have ways of defending myself" said Zach.
"I know you do, but you see the place Sophia went to, there's this old house there everyone thinks its public it's private and there's ghosts and aliens and
all kinds of things in it that go bump in the night" said Wilson.
"Yeah well like Sophia says-things going bump in the night isn't always a bad thing," said Zach. With dejected eyes, the being walked away and
disappeared. Suddenly, everything worked again, including the tv and the phone. Zach got a call from Sophia.
"Hello? Zach? This is Sophia Primrose!" said Sophia.
"Listen, Sophia, we can't do the show tomorrow, it isn't working out" said Zach.
"You're not doing the show tomorrow? Oh well, would you mind if I went on without you and hosted myself?" asked Sophia.
"Let me put it to you this way, the Lake District is very dangerous, the house on that island is government property, you could be shot dead" said Zach.
"Dangerous? These lemon biscuits I'm eating are delectable, Zach. I can't hear you!" said Sophia. She loved lemon cookies, a LOT, and ate them with gusto.
"I'm just tellin' yeh, as a friend, don't think your trip tomorrow is a sputtle of Earl Grey cuz it ain't. More like a zesty raspberry zinger tea, but
not in a good way" said Zach.

"Cut it out, Zachary" said Sophia.

"Please, I implore you. That place has-things that go bump in the night" said Zach.

"Going bump in the night isn't always bloody bad you know, I feel I've missed it. Zach? Are you there?" asked Sophia.

"It's-perfectly fine. I'm not offended" said Zach.
"You need bed rest, Zach. The show's tomorrow, if you don't catch a twelve thirty flight to the Lake District, I will catch one myself" said Sophia.

"Sophie, I've told you I don't fly, I don't drive, I'm what you'd call a motorcycle exclusive kind of guy" said Zach.

"It sure as hell isn't Sophie, it's Sophia. Yes, I remember, it's why I agreed to date you. I'm gonna just catch the flight myself then" replied Sophia.
"You'll catch one yourself?" asked Zach.
"Yes," said Sophia, dipping a lemon cookie in her Earl Grey. "I'll catch a flight myself and be out of Birmingham before you can say Truffle Pumpkin"
"Truffle Pumpkin!" said Zach. He continued, "There, I just said it"
"I can say it faster than you!" replied Sophia. "Truffle pumpkin, truffle pumpkin, truffle pumpkin"
"Two can play at this! Truffle pumpkin, truffle pumpkin!" yelled Zach in a very serious determined no-nonsense tone.
"TRUFFLE PUMPKIN TO VENUS I WIN!" yelled Sophia in a high pitched tone.
"Sophia? Sophia? Are you gone? Aw, poodle pellets. I just hope I hallucinated that whole thing with the little orange guy!"

But then, Zach heard another voice.
"Go to the kitchen!" said the voice.
"Yes?" replied Zach.
"See that mixing bowl full of chocolate cream? Start mixing it, you'll start to see shapes and messages in the goop"

This was most certainly Zach's imagination.

THERE'S MORE IN CHAPTER 2! CLICK CHAPTER 2 NOW.