Call me by my name
She hadn't been called her true name in a long time. A very long time now. She wished she didn't remember exactly how long though. She wished she could forget. Every night, she wished she would wake and the memory would just disappear. But nothing came of wishing, of course, and in cold sweat, the memory seemed further ingrain in the depths of her mind.
She had several names. Each one of them served a purpose in this new life. Each one had its reason to live.
One was a mask, an aristocratic venture. She hated the nobility with a fiery passion but she mostly behaved under that guise. She knew her place when addressed with that name. After all, that name was not just about her own image but the image of the one she loved most in this world. She wouldn't hurt her in that way, not again, if she could so help it. So, with a soft smile and a curtsey, she played the dutiful pet, the pretty thing in the corner and held on to her resentments in silence. Bitter, suppressing silence.
One was a release. It was the result of newly found emotions after coming to grips with acceptance. Accepting both death and of life anew. That name was the closest to who she truly was. Something between wild and tamed, powerful and weak, certain and unsure. The old and the new merged to create a blend of neither here nor there. Something halfway between all that.
But her true name though, the first one of them all, was different. It was the only name she didn't give herself or least have a hand in deciding upon. It had been a gift of love. A gift from someone who loved her more than anything else in that world. From him, she learnt what it meant to love someone back. From him, she learnt to understand how much your own world was shaped by the ones who held you close. Even through tragedy. Even through...
But that name died long ago. It died when he left her behind in this place. She knew it wasn't his fault but it still hurt anyway. Years passed, the wound still raw, almost fresh. Innocence and youth took a sharp blow on that cursed day. She learnt important things then that he couldn't teach her because he hadn't learnt them yet himself. Children were pure. They didn't deserve to know such harsh truths of this world or the next.
But the truth is people are cruel and callous. They don't need good reasons for doing things, especially bad things. They would take advantage if they believed they would benefit from it. And, most importantly of all, sometimes life worked in horrible ways for no reason other than it simply does. There was no such thing as fate or favour; just lies that give the unlucky and unfortunate some false hope. A pretext to keep going...
She watched him leave. She believed for a long time he would come back for her. But when days became weeks, then months, she accepted the life she had settled into was now hers for good. Whether she wanted it or not. He wouldn't return. He was gone. It was a weight off her being, that crushing hope, but deep inside, she kept a sliver with her. And for good reason too because he had come back.
But it was wrong. All wrong. He didn't recognise her anymore. He didn't know who she once was to him. To be fair, she probably wouldn't either. She knew she changed in his absence; she had to just to keep on going. If she hadn't, she'd had been one with the dust and winds long before his unexpected arrival. She just wanted him to see that again. She didn't want his love, not unless it was genuine, but just to know the memory was still there. Somewhere.
To know that name didn't die in vain the night he left her behind. The night he had forgotten while it haunted her still.
"Please, call me by my name again," she whispered. She shook her head. "No, my real one. Just once."
A/N: This essentially is a little piece of procrastination that's been on my mind for some time now. This is a huge hint, altered POV event, to something in a story that may one day appear on here but I certainly am not making promises. I literally just remembered where to possibly find the (awful) first chapter. I mean, I could rewrite that but then there was the second chapter that had so many details and I would need the original to get these right. So, yes, y'all just have to take it as it is. PSA out.
Enjoy your day, Zukafu