Each day starts when you go to sleep. Basically, you should aim to get as much sleep as you need and to be aware to not let yourself be stuck in neither the insomnia cycle or the crazy binge and purge one.
So we're going to start from the beginning. You wake up, you're still tired. You check at the time – what time is it? 10AM? 11AM? 12PM? Why did you wake up in the first place? Are you going to go downstairs and to eat? But then, what is the point? You're exhausted and you haven't even sleep six hours.
The first thing you should do would be to try to calm yourself again. "If it's too hot, remove some layers of clothing. If it's too noisy, try putting your music. If you're too nervous, take a soothing tea and listen to music. But do not let yourself be tortured by your own little voice that tells you to work out and to never sleep since you know what you're left to face after."
Shoo. It does not work, your mind is sick. You end up eating like crazy following the two to four hours after your short "night" and you get anxious, nervous. You NEED food, you CRAVE it but yet, all you want is crap. You need to fill yourself, you tell yourself "I'm already fat, I might just puke and work out. I'm not going to sleep tonight, tomorrow I'll fast!". As you're pigging on sweets and high-carbohydrate foods, you can't satisfy your hunger. You are disappearing and you don't even know what is happening. The only certain thing is that you need to eat. So you eat, you satisfy this incredible need.
And you get freaked out about getting fat, you start seeing that your plan isn't that great. You binge more as the thoughts get more harmful. You grab a glass of water and you run to the bathroom while hoping no one will hear you or disturb you. You put your fingers down your throat and you choke. You imagine your teeth rotting and you become afraid. Vomit runs down, but you need to work your reflexes harder. You continue to heave. Your hand is sticky of vomit as it becomes harder and harder to let out some clogs of vomit. You check on what's in the toilet; no blood so you're fine, right? Wrong. You know it. The acid will kill your teeth and your throat, you might get throat cancer or a stomach problem. You know it doesn't get rid of the calories, you still need to do it. After all, you need so many things yet you want nothing of it. You're still doing it, getting better and worst at the same time since this is not an art. It is painful and that awful stench of death is yours alone.
You rinse your fingers before throwing them again inside your mouth. You remember some people said it was a sexual act. You know it isn't : did fucking strangers prevented you from binging and purging, or made it worst? You just want to be empty of calories and fat, but you know you can't. Everything you did just now was vain and now, you're suffering for nothing but your own fault.
What are you going to do? Complain to your friends about your lack of willpower? Gagging yourself, destroying yourself with food while trying to be clean of it.
Somehow, you can't help but think of yourself being morbidly obese and eating cakes, purging while eating because of your own .
What are people going to say? You've been binging and purging for days! Puke. Puke. Puke. Choke.
You see flabby arms. You know these are yours. You imagine a fat cow munching on junk foods and enjoying it. You puke. You don't want to look like that. It still frightens you. You think about the good compliments you got about your beauty. All lies. You puke. It hurts. You choke. Your nose is runny while your face is soiled by your own failure, by your own fault.
What if your parents knew? No. No. No. You… can't puke.
Damn. You look at what's on the toilet. It's not everything! You drink some hot water and after chilly water. You try again and your throat seem blocked. You have a dirty taste in your mouth, you can taste vomit. You cry while you wash your face and your hands.
You did it again, you're a failure. You might as well just die. You imagine several ways of dying. But you know you won't put your plan to execution. You count quickly the calories in your head. It doesn't match at all.
What time is it? Can you work it out? Of course, you jump on your exercise bike. You do a quick estimate : you need to do 5 hours of work out.
One hour in, you feel exhausted.
You end up crashing somewhere and sleeping only to wake up some hours later, afraid and freaking out.
You need to go to work but you're so fat. You put down written plans on paper, you promise yourself to fast or to restrict. You have so many good intentions but… the anxiety come back at night.
You spend money on the vendor machines at your workplace, you binge on many calories, try to puke in the public restroom, come back to your seat to work but feel too disturbed about what you did.
You wait nervously to come back home.
And it all starts again.
Binge, purge, work out, binge, purge, work out.
*** June 2012, Bulimia. ***