Yes, yes, I am human.
No superpowers or anything. Unless you count not giving a rat's behind as a superpower, then yup. Yeah, most of the time, I act like an emotionless entity just floating, wandering aimlessly. Well, if you're my friend, then you get special treatment. I'll be a loud, annoying goofball.
As much as I act like I would rather the world disintegrate into nothing.
When it's too difficult to get up on my own, I guess it'll be kinda nice if someone who I trust would stretch out support, who will reassure you that the night will break, who will make me feel needed and wanted, who will bring me back from the edge when I can't do that myself. Someone who will feed me when I don't have the will to feed myself. Who will push me to get out of the covers and actually get stuff done. Who I can spar and fight with to get rid of the boredom. Who will guide me out of the past that my mind keeps stumbling back to again and again.
It ain't gonna happen.
And I'd be content when it stays that way.
Like I said, it's nice. However, it's not like one will die if they didn't have every nice thing.
Yeah. I'd be a freaking liar if I said that the thought of having someone special by your side, caring for you, protecting you, who has eyes only for you, who will block the wind for you, who will hold your hand gently in times of dire need, who will stay near on those sleepless nights, who will pat your head when you wanna cry...
Mmhm... sometimes, I want to depend on someone. Someone who knows my past and my personality but still won't run for the hills.
Is... that so wrong?
Sometimes, I want them cook for me or arrive at my doorstep with potato salad, because sometimes I just want to lay around.
Is that so bad...?
Sometimes, I want them to know what I want and leave it on my desk, gift-wrapped with a bow and everything.
It's such a precious rarity to receive gifts of the heart, or any gifts at all. That's why it's so precious when that does occur. Most people have no single clue what I like because I give the same reaction to everything. Which is none at all. At least to the ones I'm not close to.
Sometimes, I just want to let go... and let someone else take the weight. Just for a breather. I ain't no Atlas.
Yet I've learned that despite what friends say, that they like the hyper me better, they eventually decide the real me is too much, too overwhelming.
Yeah, I'll lying if I said these fleeting wishes never fluttered across my mind.
And that's just what they are. Fleeting.
I don't want a romantic partner.
Or a babysister.
Or whatever it is that I'm describing.
You can call me bitter.
You can call me immature.
You can call me stupid.
You can call me a victim.
Why must I marry to show that I am whole, that I'm not victimizing myself?
Why does engaging in sex equate to adulting?
Do minors not also do that?
So that means they're suddenly somehow adults just because of an act?
What's wrong with just having friends?
Mmhm, they'll have their own lives and can't always be there, even if they so desperately want to. They try, but, yeah, stuff happens.
I'd rather be alone most of the time anyway.
Why is it so strange to not depend on others for your own happiness?
Yes, yes, hanging out with my close friends is fun and all.
Man, I sound so appreciative...
Well, yeah, I'll walk between them and danger within a heartbeat.
However, there's only so much social interaction I can take from other people before it completely drains me.
Even if there are rare occasions when that makes me feel lonely as heck. On those rare occasions, it comes as a nice thought to have a platonic partner.
Dude, I may be ace, but I am human. Sheesh. No matter how many claims that I am not. Just because I don't want to fuck doesn't mean that I can't feel emotions.
If I'm such an unfeeling ice cube, then...
why do I cry when you cry,
why do I hurt when you hurt,
why do I get mad for you,
happy for you?
Even if you're willing to wait, that's just it. You're waiting. Waiting for something. If I care about you, it would destroy me to see disappointment in your eyes.
Because you won't be the "magic" that somehow "cures" me.
You say I'm unnatural.
Ay, you're basically invalidating both my orientation and my existence as a human.
However, to me, how does sticking something in such a tiny hole natural? It just hurts as hell.
Besides, even if I do comply, there's just too much pressure. Too much expectations that I can never give. You will want to make me feel as you feel. I can never be as enthusiastic as you might be about it. And you will come to the assumption that I don't love you as much.
I show how happy I am. I grin like a fool when you're with me. I'm more animated when we talk.
Why would sex be more intimate to you
than me pouring out my soul for you
when I cried in front of you for the first time,
when I told you my deepest fears,
when I trusted you with everything?
Why will I never be enough because I can't give you the sex you want?
You can say you love me, but, when someone loves someone, you say they'll want to touch them, kiss them, make love to them. Therefore, in your mind, I do not love you.
It doesn't make sense to me that being so delirious with passion equates to love. That just kinda sounds a bit dangerous.
Sometimes, I wonder if I'm broken. Since I am unable to love like anyone else.
But you know what?
I will no longer be sorry for that.
I cannot change the past and save you from me.
I'm so freaking happy that you're happy now.
So it's okay.
Even if you're not here,
Even when you all leave,
It'll be okay.
I'll be okay.
Even on those dark, starless nights where it seems like dawn will never arrive.
Even if it means the void might swallow me whole, and I may never be able to crawl from the vast, timeless, spaceless abyss back to what could be home.
I'll be snuggled up in warm blankets, sipping warm chocolate, and either with a nose in a book or laughing like a banshee at movies.
I'd rather not deal with the responsibilities, the emotions, or the person that a romantic relationship entails. Even if they have a red string. Which I highly doubt will ever happen. But if so, I will ignore it. Just forget the string. It's just a legend anyway. Besides, I know romance is not something I truly need or want. Sometimes, I wonder friendship too. I never had a crush before and I never will. Lots of squishes, but no crushes. No matter how hard that is to believe. I do not understand why being so happy around you seems to mean to you that I want to date you.
What. Are friends not supposed to make their friends happy or something. Why does going out of my way for you equates to courting?
Okay, so your perception of things is different from mine. Even if you have a right to your own thoughts, what makes you think you can decide what I am for me. I'm an aro ace through and through. I can't stand the thought of kissing anyone, let alone fucking anyone. I will cringe so badly. You'd be lucky if I don't unload the contents of my stomach onto you.
I can't even bear people who I'm comfortable with to touch me. Even when a close friend or family member hugs me or pats my shoulder, an ocean of sheer fear consumes me. I start to shake, sweat, or both. I do not react well.
Once, a friend hugged me from behind. I shrieked. My elbow jerked out and knocked her chin up, which shoved her back. She scared the stuffing out of me. She had no ill intent. She just thought I was sad.
At other times of contact, I just freeze.
Although, sometimes, the fight and flight impulse bitch-slaps me. Hard. My hand twitches violently to flip them. By flipping, I do not mean flashing the middle finger. I mean grabbing hold of their wrist, twisting in a way that quickly flips the person onto their back without much effort, momentarily stunning them into unresponsiveness, allowing me time to flee for my sanity.
It's weird. I never felt like this before. Wanting someone to hold my hand. Wishing for someone to pat my head. It's... it's almost as if I'm feeling emotions that aren't mine. Like how I sense Tina's emotional state sometimes. For some reason, it feels like as if there's another soul tie.
Fuck my emotions...
I told ya. I'm human. Not a conventional one. But one nonetheless.
Just for clarity.
Ace = asexual
No sexual attraction to anyone
Aro = aromantic
No romantic attraction to anyone
Squishes = a platonic "crush," an intense want to be someone's friend
Any questions, feel free to ask?
Sorry for the lack of humor in this first chapter.
Thank you for reading. A lovely present and future to you.