Wager Of Truth

Characters

GRANT – Boy, just graduated from high school…

JOANNE – Girl, just graduated from high school…

Setting

Suburbia, modern times, midday Sunday…

Directors Note: The whole play takes place over the course of one day, one phone call. The two main characters remain separated on either side of a partition/divider so that each character is living in HIS/HER own respective space. The actors should be as comfortable with their space(s) as possible since there will be NO set changes, and the audience needs to be under the impression that GRANT and JOANNE have been in the same room all day. The partition may be clear, translucent, or opaque depending on how it's easier for the actors to play with each other, and just as long as the audience sees a defined wall between them. The telephone call should seem real, yet the actors are working with just what they hear on stage. While they remain separated from each other, the audience gets the feeling GRANT and JOANNE, who have apparently been good friends for quite some time, are becoming gradually closer and more intimate with each other as the play progresses.

At rise: GRANT's home is located on SL of the partition. HE is dressed casually, implying HE's not one to attend Sunday Mass. HE's sitting at a kitchen counter, making and eating a bowl of cold cereal, SL. There is a small coffee table with a lamp (currently turned off) and a sofa sitting SR of him. There is a also a corded home telephone sitting strategically between the kitchen and living area so that GRANT is able to sit at both the counter and the sofa throughout the play. In front of the sofa, presumably is a television. The partition is straight through CS. JOANNE's home is located SR of the partition. SHE, too, is dressed casually, munching on toast. HER home is organized much the same way as GRANT's, except messier yet with more of a feminine vibe. Instead of a kitchen counter, SHE has a kitchen nook with raised chairs. The sofa sits in a direct mirror reflection of GRANT's, same with the coffee table, television, and strategically placed corded home telephone. After finishing HIS cereal, GRANT apprehensively dials HIS telephone, and on JOANNE's side SR, the phone rings…

JOANNE: [After three rings, checking the caller ID, and quickly finishing HER toast, SHE picks-up the phone…]Hey!

GRANT: [Less apprehensive] Hey, Joanne… What's up?

JOANNE: Nothing much, eating a late breakfast. What about you?

GRANT: Same here. Choco Crispies, the breakfast of champions!

JOANNE: Ha. This morning I happen to be eating toast, otherwise I'd agree with you.

GRANT: Toast with butter and jelly?

JOANNE: Nah, just butter. Ran out of jelly yesterday.

GRANT: Oh. Shame.

JOANNE: I know right. [SHE laughs.]

GRANT: [BEAT] So listen, I just wanted to call and thank you for coming to my Graduation party last night. It really meant a lot to me.

JOANNE: No big. I had fun.

GRANT: I'm glad. [PAUSE] It's hard to believe by this time next year, I'll be in Disney World, on my once in a lifetime internship!

JOANNE: Yeah, how'd you manage to score that gig?

GRANT: A lot of hardwork and dedication… [PAUSE] My dad knows a guy.

JOANNE: Seriously?

GRANT: Yeah. Well, I mean I applied just like everybody else. It's just my dad knew a guy who got me an application, and set-up the interview for me. Disney has A LOT of prerequisites for working there, so the rest was all up to my charming personality and straight "A" student work ethic to land the gig. Lucky for me, I'm just Disney's type.

JOANNE: Seriously!

GRANT: Yeah. [BEAT] So what are your plans for after graduation?

JOANNE: Sleep. Eat. Sleep some more. You know, all the stuff I couldn't do while still in school.

GRANT: You don't say. [PAUSE] I meant, you know… After high school?

JOANNE: Didn't we already talk about this subject?

GRANT: I guess. [PAUSE] I'm making small talk, again, aren't I? Man, I hate the telephone. I never know what to say.

JOANNE: [SHE laughs pointedly!] How ironic!

GRANT: What? Why?!

JOANNE: Because in school, you NEVER shut-up! Ha! Ha! Ha!

GRANT: Very funny. I do too shut-up. Sometimes. Maybe. OK, you have a point. [PAUSE] It's just the phone seems so, I don't know… Forced.

JOANNE: Really? See I feel the EXACT OPPOSITE! The phone for me is an outlet like no other! In school, I barely say one word edge wise. But on the phone, man… On the phone I can talk FOR HOURS!

GRANT: Huh. [PAUSE] I'd like to take you up on that challenge!

JOANNE: What challenge?

GRANT: The talking for hours on the telephone challenge!

JOANNE: [Intrigued] I'm listening…

GRANT: I challenge you stay on the phone with me today, for longer than you EVER have with anybody else! Of course, in order for this wager to work, you'd have to A.) Know the record for the last longest phone conversation you ever had; B.) Not have anything else better to do today; and C.) Be willing to agree to whatever it is I wager as a result of our little experiment.

JOANNE: [Considering HIS proposal…] OK… So, A.) The previous record for my longest phone call ever was 6 hours and 15 minutes (yes, I timed it!). B.) Today is Sunday, thus I don't have anything better to do since school is over now and everything. And C.) I hereby agree to whatever it is you wager, and officially put on the table a prospect of my own, considering I doubt you'll be able to withstand any conversation longer than one hour, as our previous telephone conversations have suggested.

GRANT: So challenge accepted?

JOANNE: Challenge accepted!

GRANT: Good.

JOANNE: Yes.

GRANT: [PAUSE] I suppose we should set-up some game rules for our challenge, then?

JOANNE: I suppose so.

GRANT: OK… [PAUSE]… I've got one!

JOANNE: Shoot!

GRANT: Bathroom breaks are accepted, OBVIOUSLY…

JOANNE [Interrupting] OBVIOUSLY…

GRANT: BUT, you can't stay away from the phone for longer than 10 minutes, or else it's a forfeit!

JOANNE: OK, and this rule counts towards food and water breaks as well.

GRANT: Yes, and other phone calls.

JOANNE: Oh yeah, I forgot all about call-waiting.

GRANT: You do have call-waiting, right?

JOANNE: Of course, they can just leave a message.

GRANT: True. It's Sunday.

JOANNE: It is, indeed.

GRANT: [PAUSE] So that's pretty much the only rule we need…

JOANNE: Yeah, and it counts towards familial interruptions also.

GRANT: Oh, true.

JOANNE: So, to summarize…

GRANT: Just don't stay away from the phone for longer than 10 minutes, in general, unless you forfeit.

JOANNE: Right. And in case of a pooptacular emergency, or something, then we reserve the right to reschedule the challenge for another boring-ass Sunday afternoon in this lovely Summer.

GRANT: OK, sounds good.

JOANNE: Just make sure to call the other person back once you're done pooping. Just to say, "Hey, I'm done pooping! Let's reschedule!"

GRANT: Haha! Right, makes sense… [PAUSE]… Hey! I just thought of something else!

JOANNE: What?

GRANT: What about dropped calls?

JOANNE: What?

GRANT: You know, like you drop the phone into the toilet. Or the telephone company shuts-off your service unexpectedly. Or you just loose connection… Then what?

JOANNE: Well, if you drop the phone into the toilet somehow… Which I don't know about you but I'm on a corded house phone so that doesn't really factor in for me…

GRANT: [Interrupting] Oh right…

JOANNE: Well, should the case some how be anyway… I'd say, if the phone still works, we're good. If it some how hangs-up… Although, I don't really want anybody to take the phone into the bathroom with them, but you know, anything can happen in 6 hours…

GRANT: [Interrupting] Yeah…

JOANNE: Let's put it this way… If the phone should some how inexplicably hang-up on us, either by our own hand or not, then there is still a 10 minute grace period we can wait before the wager must be rescheduled, or forfeited if you were the one who dropped the phone into the toilet. [SHE giggles to HERSELF.]

GRANT: HEY!

JOANNE: What?

GRANT: Nothing. You've got a point.

JOANNE: You know it!

GRANT: [PAUSE] So have we covered everything.

JOANNE: I think so… [PAUSE, SHE gets-up and starts pacing.] I mean, obviously the challenge began BEFORE you even made the wager.

GRANT: What do you mean?

JOANNE: I mean, the duration of the phone call as part of the challenge begins from the time the telephone FIRST rang, until the telephone hangs-up… OH!... Or until one of us completely falls asleep… I mean, passed-out!… No more comments from the peanut gallery! Nothing!... Or whichever comes first!

GRANT: Sleeping. You make a good point. I hadn't thought of that one.

JOANNE: Right. Sleeping… No sleeping. If you fall completely asleep, you forfeit. Only low-grade grunting allowed. If you can't recall ANY of the passed hour of conversation, you also forfeit because it means you were pretty much asleep despite the grunting.

GRANT: True. And obviously this whole conversation about the wager itself counts?

JOANNE: Of course! That's the point I'm trying to make. The challenge began when the phone FIRST rang this morning…

GRANT: Afternoon…

JOANNE: Lunchtime…

GRANT: Whatever…

JOANNE: Yeah…

[BEAT]

GRANT: So now that that's settled…

JOANNE: [PAUSE, SHE stops pacing and sits back down at the breakfast nook.] Hey! So what ARE we wagering anyway? Or rather, what AM I wagering since I KNOW what it is you're playing for on MY side of the train.

GRANT: [PAUSE] Hmmm…

JOANNE: What?

GRANT: Well, I'm wondering if we should have full disclosure now, or if we should wait and keep it a surprise…

JOANNE: Isn't part of making a wager actually SAYING what the wager is at the time the wager is being made?

GRANT: Huh?

JOANNE: You know what I mean…

GRANT: Oh… [PAUSE] I suppose so. Or it could be like on those game shows, where at the end of it all, I shoot it back to the voice-over guy and say… "Now tell her what she's won, Bob!"

JOANNE: Yeah, but no…

GRANT: Ok, fine… Way to suck the suspense right out of the thing…

JOANNE: Hey, I'm NOT trying to be a spoil sport…

GRANT: I know, I know… Now seriously, I'm just wondering if it'd be better for us if we knew the wager… Or if it might actually make us not want to continue if we knew what we were actually playing for… You know, subconsciously or whatever…

JOANNE: Hmmm… Well, we BOTH already agreed to whatever the wager is, right?

GRANT: Yeah…

JOANNE: So then, regardless of the prize, we're obligated to play fair and square… Which means NO sabotaging the results, subconsciously or otherwise!

GRANT: I see your point.

JOANNE: Good… [PAUSE] So what's my prize?

GRANT: Ha… Uhhh… Yeah. Can't we just save this part for later?

JOANNE: You haven't thought of anything yet, have you?

GRANT: No, I have… I just… Uhhh…

JOANNE: Oh God, it's NOT making me eat a bowl of worms or something, is it? Ewww… Please no worms!... ACK!

GRANT: NO! NO! NOT even remotely!

JOANNE: Then why won't you JUST spill the beans already?

GRANT: Because… [PAUSE] It's personal.

JOANNE: [Aside, yet not really] Oh, this wager just got interesting…

GRANT: Yeah…

JOANNE: Mine too. No worries.

GRANT: Huh.

JOANNE: Yeah.

[BEAT]

GRANT: [Gets up from the counter and starts pacing.] Listen, Jo…

JOANNE: Uh oh, he's calling me "Jo," not good…

GRANT: I mean, Joanne…

JOANNE: Yeah…

GRANT: I'm really glad you came to my graduation party last night. I mean… Like… REALLY glad! It made my night… REALLY!

JOANNE: Oh, cool… I'm happy to hear it!

GRANT: Yeah, I mean… It just wouldn't have been the same if you hadn't came… I mean… Come… Heh…

JOANNE: Well, you know I wouldn't miss it! I'd NEVER miss any of your parties. You're WAY too important to me!

GRANT: I know, and vice-versa! OBVIOUSLY! I'm just saying with me going to Florida soon, and you…

JOANNE: And me staying here and getting a… ICK!... Job!

GRANT: Yeah, and with you potentially working all the time… [PAUSE] It's just NOT going to be the way it's been around here for so long…

JOANNE: I know what you mean… I've just been trying not to think about it…

GRANT: I mean, I won't be in Florida long, just a semester…

JOANNE: I know… But then afterwards…

GRANT: Afterwards, we'll see… I'd like to maybe try my hand at animation… You know technical school… Or maybe even acting school… Depending on where Disney puts me… You know, like if I'm working more behind the scenes, than let's say playing Aladdin in a parade.

JOANNE: Oh you should TOTALLY play Aladdin!... Or, actually… I think you'd be WAY BETTER as the Genie!

GRANT: [HE laughs!] The Genie? Really?... I mean those big blue shoes are pretty hard to fill… Or are his shoes gold?... And like, curly on top… Heh…

JOANNE: Either way…

GRANT: Yeah, the Genie doesn't talk much at the parks, unless you're watching a show of some sort…

JOANNE: Good point…

GRANT: [BEAT] I don't know… I'm not really into thinking about things so far into the future… Right now, I just want to enjoy this summer while it's still ours to enjoy…

JOANNE: Yeah, I know… I'm not going to start work until September for that reason…

GRANT: Yeah, and I don't leave until the end of August…

JOANNE: So we have until then to enjoy ourselves…

GRANT: I suppose so… [BEAT] So where's this big job of yours anyway?

JOANNE: You're going to laugh…

GRANT: Try me…

JOANNE: I have too options, actually…

GRANT: Really?

JOANNE: Yeah, one is well… Work with my dad at his restaurant down the shore… Tavern By The Sea…

GRANT: Which would mean staying at your beach house?

JOANNE: I guess. Or making a hella long trek back and forth everyday…

GRANT: Bummer…

JOANNE: Yeah, OR…

GRANT: OR?

JOANNE: OR… [PAUSE] I go to culinary school… And learn to be a great chef, just like my dad…

GRANT: Hey! AWESOME! I didn't know you got into culinary school!

JOANNE: I haven't told anybody I even applied…

GRANT: Why not?

JOANNE: Because… I don't know… There's SO MUCH pressure to go back to school after school… I mean, after high school… And I really don't want to get a so-called (bullshit) "liberal-arts" education… If I want to become a chef, I want to do it for me… NOT because some family member thought it'd be my best option… Or something…

GRANT: Yeah… Same reason why I'm going all the way to Disney World... On an internship no less…

JOANNE: Really?

GRANT: Yeah, it's not like I've already decided I want to be an actor or anything… It's just I've always been good at thinking theatrically… And I obviously LOVE Disney, as you can see by my extensive collection of classic VHS and Lithographs… I mean, it's EVERY kids dream to work there some day while growing-up… So here I am… About to embark on living The Dream… And yet, I don't know what it's all really for except learning how to make Mickey-shaped waffles… I mean… I don't know…

JOANNE: Didn't you need to write some sort of essay on why you want an internship?

GRANT: Yeah…

JOANNE: So what did you write?

GRANT: Just the usual stuff… It'd be a dream of mine come true to work there… It's a company I really admire for its core values, and the MANY creative ways it brings those values through to fruition… And I feel that my own creative energy would be best used to make other people happy… At The Happiest Place On Earth! Or at least, at its sister resort in Florida!

JOANNE: Sounds good…

GRANT: Yeah, but nothing too specific about my future goals or anything…

JOANNE: Yeah, well… Future goals are overrated.

GRANT: HA! Agreed!

[BEAT]

JOANNE: So culinary school… Big change… From you know, high school…

GRANT: Totally!

JOANNE: Yeah, I don't know… On the one hand I'm obviously familiar with my dad's restaurant… And on the other hand, it's like… If I take this educational opportunity now, then (supposedly) I'll be an even BETTER help to my dad in the future… On the OTHER other hand, if I just go work with my dad now, then I'll get first hand work experience you can't get from a school… And a FREE education from the greatest chef I know… My dad!

GRANT: Your dad IS a pretty great cook.

JOANNE: Yeah. You should come by for dinner next Saturday night. Yesterday, he spent all day making his famous lasagna, and it was AWESOME! So worth the wait! Actually, I probably ate my weight in food, it was just SO GOOD! Mmm… I can still taste it now, too bad there isn't any left or I'd… [SHE drifts.]

GRANT: [BEAT] Listen, NOT to change subjects, but my ass is getting tired from sitting at the breakfast counter… So I'm going to switch to the sofa now, if you don't mind…

JOANNE: Of course not, just don't take longer than 10 minutes…

GRANT: Oh, I'm not getting off the phone… But if I happen to drop it, or my voice gets muffled… You'll know why…

JOANNE: Got it.

GRANT: Good.

JOANNE: Actually, I'm going to take this opportunity to move to my love seat, too… Thus, we'll BOTH be more comfortable…[PAUSE] Now that you mention it, I hadn't noticed my own ass falling asleep at the breakfast nook… These raised chairs aren't the most comfortable things in the world… You know what I mean…

GRANT: Ditto… [PAUSE]… Ahhh, much better!

JOANNE: I concur!

[BEAT]

GRANT: So Joanne, listen…

JOANNE: Yeah…

GRANT: At my party last night…

JOANNE: Yeah…

GRANT: I don't know if you noticed but…

JOANNE: Yeah…

GRANT: I was really trying to find time to talk alone with you… Like we're doing now, but you know… In person…

JOANNE: Yeah…

GRANT: I mean… I'm just really going to miss this sort of thing… In the future…

JOANNE: What do you mean? I'm ALWAYS here for you, even in Florida or down the shore or wherever, you know that's true…

GRANT: I know, I know… I just mean… I don't know… In between… It's gonna get rough between us… Even if there's no drama or anything… I mean… It's gonna be hard trying to keep in touch the way we've been… Talking… And I've just ALWAYS really enjoyed all of our conversations… They've meant SO MUCH to me… I mean… Like, you don't even know…

JOANNE: Awww, Grant are you getting all sentimental on me already? [PAUSE, SHE wipes HER eyes.] It's NOT even August yet!

GRANT: I know, I know… I just… I don't know if it was the non-alcoholic beer we had last night, or if it was just me being a sentimental fool…

JOANNE: Grant… Hakuna Matata… As your FAVE Disney movie says! No worries!

GRANT: Yeah, I guess…

[BEAT]

JOANNE: Listen, Grant…

GRANT: Yeah…

JOANNE: One of the reasons I looked into culinary school was so I could stay here and commute to the city, and not have to live down the shore…

GRANT: Yeah…

JOANNE: I mean, I don't want things to change either… But what are we going to do? It's not like we can do high school all over again, or something…

GRANT: Yeah, I don't think I'd want to even try, either…

JOANNE: Seriously… I mean, not for nothing… But you were practically my ONLY saving grace throughout the whole thing…

GRANT: Really?

JOANNE: Yeah, I mean… If it weren't for you, I'd have been bored out of my mind, lonely as I don't know what, and to top it off – wondering what all the cool kids were up to after school…

GRANT: Drama club, HA!

JOANNE: Yeah, who'da thunkett, right?

GRANT: Or marching band…

JOANNE: GO FIGURE! HAHAHA!

GRANT: [HE laughs!] Go figure!

[BEAT]

JOANNE: You've really been my rock these last four years… Or five… Or six… Or whenever it was we first met…

GRANT: Met… Started talking regularly on the phone… Whichever is more important…

JOANNE: Yeah, because I mean… I've known you my whole life… So yeah…

GRANT: Yeah… Whether or not that was sarcasm, I don't know… Heh…

JOANNE: Take it for what you will…

GRANT: True, true…

JOANNE: [PAUSE] When DID we start talking regularly on the telephone?

GRANT: About the same time the hormones kicked-in, and we started developing through our awkward phases…

JOANNE: Oh, and like… It was awkward just to be around boys and stuff... Even the closest ones… One… Yeah…

GRANT: Pretty much… Yeah…

JOANNE: Makes sense… I remember that essay you wrote for the literary magazine on the raging hormones and teen angst… Comparing it to a disease, or what have you… Good shit…

GRANT: Thanks…

JOANNE: I mean, I'd say that essay pretty much captured EXACTLY how I felt… And presumably… How we ALL were feeling about adolescence at the time… Like it's some sort of disease, growing-up, or something… I mean… It might as well be, since there's a disease, or at least a PILL, for pretty much EVERYTHING else out there we have to deal with as a part of life…

GRANT: Seriously… [PAUSE] So you saw my point?

JOANNE: Totally!

GRANT: Awesome, I was hoping you did!

JOANNE: Well, I mean… It wasn't too difficult to get… Plus, I know you… So yeah…

[BEAT]

GRANT: So did you have fun last night at my party? (I don't know if I already asked you, but yeah…)

JOANNE: Sure! It was a blast! My fave part was the karaoke jam fest we started!

GRANT: All my idea!

JOANNE: Yeah, but NOT the song selection! [SHE laughs knowingly.]

GRANT: Hey! In Karaoke Round-Up, you have to sing what the person before you suggests (unless you're the first person!)… Not my fault Benny suggested I sing "One Moment In Time" by Whitney Houston!

JOANNE: Hahaha! GENIUS!

GRANT: Hey, your option wasn't much better!

JOANNE: Yeah well, you're the one who picked it! [PAUSE] "Rock And Roll All Night" by Kiss is pretty hardcore for a chick to sing, but I think I made good of it…

GRANT: Yeah you did! I know, I'm a genius! [HE laughs to HIMSELF!]

JOANNE: Or you just like to make my life difficult!

GRANT: Oh come on, you KNEW I'd pick Kiss! They're my FAVE!

JOANNE: I know, I know…

[BEAT]

GRANT: [HE gets up and moves back to the breakfast counter.] So, I've got an idea…

JOANNE: What?

GRANT: We should play Truth Or Dare!

JOANNE: But how can we choose Dare over the phone? We can't tell what the other person is doing, or NOT doing…

GRANT: OK, so we'll play Truth Or Consequences!

JOANNE: How do you play?

GRANT: Well, there's the OBVIOUS Truth option…

JOANNE: Obviously…

GRANT: But instead of Dare, there's Consequences… As in, CONSEQUENCES for NOT picking/telling the Truth… Like… If you pick Truth, I'll ask you a simple question you MUST answer… But if you pick Consequences, then the Consequences for NOT answering my question would be something like… Act like a chicken, or quack like a duck, or sing like a canary… Or something… Something you can OBVIOUSLY hear over the phone… Get it?

JOANNE: Sounds like a plan… [PAUSE] Who goes first?

GRANT: I'll ask you first… [PAUSE] Joanne, Truth or Consequences?

JOANNE: Truth.

GRANT: Goody! [PAUSE] Who was your first kiss?

JOANNE: NOT FAIR!

GRANT: What?

JOANNE: You already KNOW the answer!

GRANT: No I don't…

JOANNE: Yes, you do! BECAUSE I TOLD YOU after it happened!

GRANT: Well, you could choose Consequences!

JOANNE: Fine. I'll just repeat myself, then. [PAUSE] It's you. YOU were my first kiss. Happy now?

GRANT: VERY!

JOANNE: Fine. My turn. [PAUSE] Truth or Consequences?

GRANT: Truth.

JOANNE: Was I YOUR first kiss? Tell the TRUTH!

GRANT: Well… There was… Oh, but we didn't… Hmm…

JOANNE: You're being a jackass!

GRANT: OK, OK… Yes, you were MY first kiss, too!

JOANNE: Seriously? Like, you're NOT just saying so so I won't feel so alone?

GRANT: Seriously! You were MY first kiss! And I waited a long time for it!

JOANNE: Sorry?

GRANT: Not what I meant… I meant… You know… Yeah… [BEAT] Next question!

JOANNE: Hold on, gimme one second, I'm gonna switch seats, too! [SHE moves back to the breakfast nook, PAUSE] OK, better…

GRANT: So, my turn to ask you another question. [PAUSE] Truth or Consequences?

JOANNE: Truth.

GRANT: Do you really think this phone call is going to last more than six hours?

JOANNE: The truth?

GRANT: Yes.

JOANNE: Not really, HA!

GRANT: Yeah, same here.

JOANNE: Not for nothing, but the longest you and I have EVER talked on the phone was 45 minutes. So, I'm thinking about an hour, and we're good…

GRANT: Oh ye of such little faith!

JOANNE: Oh, I've got faith! And plenty of it! Even if I'm not one to attend Mass every Sunday like some people do.

GRANT: Not me either.

JOANNE: Good to know, for future reference.

GRANT: Seriously. [BEAT] Next question.

JOANNE: My turn. [PAUSE] Truth Or Consequences?

GRANT: Consequences… I mean, TRUTH!

JOANNE: No, no… You said Consequences!... Now, you must Gobble like a turkey until I say done!

GRANT: Fine! [HE does HIS best turkey impression!]

JOANNE: [PAUSE, unable to hold back laughter…] DONE! DONE!... HAHAHA!... DONE! Seriously, you can stop now!... HAHAHA!

GRANT: Thank you, thank you! I'll be here all afternoon, LITERALLY!

JOANNE: [BEAT] OK, batter's up!

GRANT: Nice baseball reference!

JOANNE: Thanks!

GRANT: Let's see… [PAUSE] Truth or Consequences?

JOANNE: Truth.

GRANT: Oh pooh, I was hoping you'd say Consequences, I had a REALLY good one for you to do!

JOANNE: Which was…?

GRANT: Pick-up your tenor sax and play me a few bars of marching band music!

JOANNE: Uh, no… I picked Truth!

GRANT: Oh, why not?

JOANNE: Because I picked TRUTH! And because I need to get new reeds, I sound all squeaky still…

GRANT: OK, fine… Truth… Let me think… [PAUSE] Oh, I've DEFINITELY got a good one… [Insert mock maniacal laughter here!] Muahahaha!

JOANNE: Which is what, Rasputin?

GRANT: [HE starts to quote You've Got Mail] If I hadn't been Fox Books, and you hadn't been The Shop Around The Corner, and we had just met… Then I would have asked for your number… And…

JOANNE: [Interrupting] Don't even THINK about finishing that quote, Bozo!

GRANT: OK, OK… Hmmm… Oh, I've got it!

JOANNE: Yeah, what is it?

GRANT: Would you ever consider living in Florida for awhile?

JOANNE: Like on an internship like yours?

GRANT: Sure, or in like an apartment or something...

JOANNE: Sure, I mean, it ain't like here in Jersey, but then again… Where is?

GRANT: Cool! I'm glad you would…

JOANNE: Really?

GRANT: Yeah, because then you won't mind coming down to visit me on weekends!

JOANNE: Well, it's a REALLY long drive for just a weekend, but yeah… It'd be fun, I suppose… Can you have visitors stay with you?

GRANT: Sure! There's like an extra bed in our rooms and everything!

JOANNE: No roommates?

GRANT: Nah, not really… It's more like each of us have our own private rooms with baths, and then there's a communal lounge and kitchen… So it's like an apartment complex more than dorms or anything… Which is AWESOME because the WHOLE POINT of NOT getting a (bullshit) "liberal arts" education was to avoid potentially having to stay in those disgusting dorms! And sharing a bathroom! WITH LIKE 50 OTHER DUDES! You know what I mean…

JOANNE: Yeah, the whole Disney experience sounds pretty AWESOME, and a whole lot CLEANER!

GRANT: Totally! [PAUSE] So yeah, they give us extra beds, or even like king sized beds in case any of us are married, have kids, or just want our long-time girl friends to stay with us while we whistle while we work!

JOANNE: Disney thinks of EVERYTHING!

GRANT: Totally!

JOANNE: Do you get to eat Mickey Waffles every morning, too?

GRANT: Well, there IS a cafeteria…

JOANNE: Oh man, if so, I'm totally there!

GRANT: Totally!

[BEAT]

JOANNE: My turn… [PAUSE] Truth or Consequences?

GRANT: Truth.

JOANNE: Good. I didn't want to make you howl like a wolf or anything…

GRANT: [HE laughs, then howls…] AHHHWOOO!

JOANNE: Nice! [PAUSE] OK… I got one…

GRANT: Shoot!

JOANNE: How many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop?

GRANT: The world may never know.

JOANNE: Damnit!

GRANT: Ask me a REAL question! C'mon, there's GOT to be SOMETHING you want to know about me… Or us… Or whatever…

JOANNE: Hmmm… Gimme a second… I want to make it a good one… [PAUSE] OK… Do you have any regrets? You know, about high school?

GRANT: Oooh, definitely a good one…

JOANNE: Yeah…

GRANT: [HE considers the question… PAUSE] Well… Just one I suppose…

JOANNE: Which is…?

GRANT: You know when we were in that play together?

JOANNE: Yeah… Which one?

GRANT: The one we did over the summer, before Junie came into the picture?

JOANNE: [Down] Oh, that one…

GRANT: Right… Well, remember how we were spending like ALL our free time together… EVERY day before rehearsals… And after rehearsals… And…

JOANNE: [Interrupting, SHE groans] Yeah…

GRANT: I should have kissed you. Then. At the cast party. I mean… BEFORE our first stupid kiss under the bleachers which led to nothing… I should have kissed you when we were practically SOMETHING… Yeah… There's my ONE regret for ya… Ahem…

JOANNE: [Taken aback] Really? Seriously? You're kidding right?

GRANT: Why?

JOANNE: Because… [PAUSE]… WE DID KISS at the cast party!

GRANT: We did? Are you sure?

JOANNE: Pretty damn well sure!

GRANT: But then, how come…

JOANNE: Because… Then the play was over… School started… And Junie came into the picture… And that was some how the end of us as a couple or whatever… Until the following summer, when the same thing happened AGAIN… Except instead of Junie, the next time it was Agatha who appeared out of NOWHERE come September… And then… And then Junie again… Or something… [BEAT] I always felt like second string… You know… Sloppy seconds to your OTHER girls… [BEAT]

GRANT: I am so sorry.

JOANNE: It's cool. No big thing.

GRANT: [PAUSE] No, seriously. I am so sorry. I mean… I NEVER meant to… I mean, I wasn't just stringing you along by ANY means! I really liked… Like you, Joanne… I mean… If anything those OTHER girls… They were ALWAYS second to you… You ALWAYS came FIRST, then them… Ask any one of them…

JOANNE: [SHE stands-up.] What the hell is that supposed to mean?

GRANT: [HE stands-up, baffled.] It means… It means…

JOANNE: Yeah, Bozo?

GRANT: It means… Shit, Joanne, are you going to make me tell you over the phone?

JOANNE: Well, it'd be better than letting it fester… Whatever it is…

GRANT: Fine. [HE sits back down, now on HIS sofa.]

JOANNE: So… [PAUSE, SHE sits back down now on HER sofa.]

GRANT: It didn't go down between us how you THINK it did…

JOANNE: What do you mean?

GRANT: I mean… Those so-called "other girls"… They were NEVER my girl friend or anything… I mean, yeah, people talked… But YOU were totally my first kiss!... My first CRUSH!... My first EVERYTHING with a girl… Well, you know what I mean… I mean… Yeah…

JOANNE: So WHAT THE HELL made me think I wasn't?

GRANT: I don't know… I tried to tell you a MILLION times how important to me you are… How I don't want to loose you, EVER… How much I seriously CARE about you in EVERY WAY… But every time I tried, somebody else ALWAYS seemed to get in the way… Either before or afterward…

JOANNE: [PAUSE] So just to recap… We kissed at the cast party… But then Junie… And the following year Agatha… So it seemed like none of it EVER happened because somebody who was NOT me kept JUST SAYING they were yours almost immediately afterwards? But they NEVER were? NOT even remotely?

GRANT: Basically. Yeah. I just stayed home every night hoping you'd forget about them all and just call me…

JOANNE: Like right now?

GRANT: Pretty much…

[BEAT]

JOANNE: So about our little wager here…

GRANT: [HE looks at HIS watch] Hey! Guess what?

JOANNE: What?

GRANT: It's been EXACTLY an hour, on the nose, since I first called you! We already beat our all time record!

JOANNE: No way!

GRANT: Way!

JOANNE: You checked the time when you called?

GRANT: Yeah… Heh…

JOANNE: I believe you…

GRANT: Good…

JOANNE: Do you want to hear what my end of the wager is?

GRANT: Sure!

JOANNE: Well, wait… Aren't we talking about a bet, here?

GRANT: Yeah… I thought so…

JOANNE: Or was it JUST a challenge?

GRANT: What do you mean? What's the difference?

JOANNE: The difference is a bet is either, depending on our different predictions, I win and you loose, or you win and I loose… A challenge means depending on how long we last, we get EACH get a prize…

GRANT: OK, I see…

JOANNE: So how about… We stick with the challenge idea… And say, if we beat OUR all time phone record, then I win… And if we beat MY all time phone record, then you win… And since we've lasted an hour already… It means I win!

GRANT: Wait, who says we've already called it quits?

JOANNE: Well, I don't know about you but I'm thirsty and hungry and I really need to pee… So yeah…

GRANT: We said we could take pee breaks…

JOANNE: I know, but my part of this challenge is REALLY GOOD!

GRANT: Which is what?

JOANNE: Well, since I won…

GRANT: Yeah…

JOANNE: Then you are obligated to agree to my wager…

GRANT: Yes…

JOANNE: So I wagered my end to be whatever it is on your end, regardless!

GRANT: So lame! Ha!

JOANNE: NOT really, because you could make ME crow like a rooster for a full hour in tights and on rollerskates while twirling a baton… And I'd be obligated to say I agree…

GRANT: Obligated sounds so… Obligated… Can't we say… You'd be delighted to agree… In an obligated sorta way?

JOANNE: Why? What's your end of the bargain?

GRANT: Well, since we're being SO honest here…

JOANNE: Yeah…

GRANT: I guess now's as good a time as any to share…

JOANNE: Yeah…

GRANT: And divulge…

JOANNE: Yeah…

GRANT: [HE begins to drum on HIS knees] And spill the beans…

JOANNE: Just tell me…

GRANT: I was going to ask you on a date…

JOANNE: Seriously?

GRANT: Like, a REAL date… Just me and you… Alone… Eating pizza in the pale candle light…

JOANNE: So lame! Ha!

GRANT: What? Why? I thought…

JOANNE: [Interrupting] You THOUGHT is right…

GRANT: [Down] I don't get it…

JOANNE: I've got a WAY better idea…

GRANT: [Higher] OK, what?

JOANNE: First… Truth or Consequences?

GRANT: Truth.

JOANNE: Pick Consequences!

GRANT: Consequences!

JOANNE: OK, so the Consequence for telling the Truth today to me over the phone for the past hour is…

GRANT: Yeah?

JOANNE: YOUR ULTIMATE DESIRE!

GRANT: Well, my ultimate desire is for us to spend the WHOLE summer together, and then for you to join me down in Florida for my internship, after which we'll live happily ever after back home in Jersey working for your dad's restaurant Tavern By The Sea… [PAUSE] Was I speaking aloud just then?

JOANNE: [SHE giggles to HERSELF] Yes, yes you were…[PAUSE] So by the powers invested in me by the State Of This Challenge… I must now fully oblige!

GRANT: I don't want you to if you feel obligated, though.

JOANNE: Nah, it was my idea anyway, remember?

GRANT: Seriously?

JOANNE: Seriously!

GRANT: What about culinary school?

JOANNE: I'm NOT going back to school for anything! I applied, and got in, but I'm SO NOT going! NOT when I've got the World's Greatest Chef (WITH his VERY own restaurant!) as my dad! I can learn from him any day, but spending a Summer and a semester with you (IN DISNEY!) is a once in a life time… Or maybe thrice in a lifetime sorta thing… [SHE smiles, and HE senses it over the phone, HE smiles back!]

GRANT: Agreed! [BEAT, HE stands-up and stretches!] So, Honey Bear, want to blow this phone call and grab some pizza live and in person during this AWESOME Season With Reason?

JOANNE: Sure thing, Melon Ball… I'm starved! [SHE stands-up and stretches!]

GRANT: See you in a little bit!

JOANNE: See you when I see you!

GRANT: Love you!

JOANNE: Love you, back!

GRANT: Cool beans!

JOANNE: Definitely!

GRANT: Namaste!

JOANNE: Just hang-up, Grant!

GRANT: You first!

JOANNE: BOTH of us at the same time!

GRANT: One!

JOANNE: Two!

[THEY say together…]

GRANT: THREE!

JOANNE: THREE!

[BLACKOUT! – The audience never sees them hang-up their telephones! FIN!]