Series Finale: A Fitting End (Part 2):
"As a certain DC villain would say, it only takes one bad day to ruin your life... or something like that," the present-day Logan chuckled as soon as he finished his backstory.
Jay stood there in silence for a bit, figuring out what to make of what he'd just been told. On the one hand, he felt bad about how his death had caused so much disarray among his family members. But on the other hand, he was utterly infuriated at the villain that his own son had become in his absence.
"So let me get this straight. After I died, you turned into a deadbeat psychopath and went on a killing spree?!" he asked angrily. "And then you had the audacity to come crawling up here and swindle my friends out of their money?!"
"Well hey, can you blame me? I just wanted my father back!" Logan snapped, his eyes slightly teary. "None of this would've ever happened if you had just listened to me! Just once!"
"Look, Logan. I'm sorry, alright? Yes, I should've taken better care of myself, but admittedly I used to be a rather careless person back on Earth," Jay replied. "And besides, what you did was far worse. If you hadn't just dwelled on the past like that, you would probably be in much better shape, and hell, you probably wouldn't even be up here to begin with. Funny enough, that's the same advice I could've given myself back in the day."
"Speaking of 'up here', I suppose now would be a better time than any to explain my master plan to you," Logan started. "See, for a good while now, I've been formulating a method to bring people back to Earth, so I could not only return and exact my revenge on my last customers, but also to make sure I could return and bring my father back with me. That device I tested on your friends last Halloween was merely a prototype."
Damn it! Somehow I KNEW I jinxed myself by saying there was no way to speed up the reincarnation process! Jay scolded himself.
"Wait a minute! As in... reincarnation?" he asked aloud, eliciting a nod from his son. "But don't you have any idea how you could possibly screw things up?! I mean, you're basically messing with the circle of life here!"
"Don't care. All that matters is that we're together again," Logan replied nonchalantly.
"And even that's not a good excuse! When you reincarnate, you lose all memories of your afterlife, and even the life you had before that. And you won't even be related to the same people, let alone have the same name or appearance," Jay continued.
Logan didn't say a word and instead thought for a moment. It hadn't occurred to him that they wouldn't truly be together again if they were to both reincarnate. However, he quickly shrugged this off.
"Well then that's a chance I'm willing to take. If it means both of us returning to Earth, then so be it," he said at last.
"You're such a fool," Jay growled. "You know, back on Earth, I always told myself that I would never beat my children."
"Yeah, and I really appreciate that you didn't," Logan replied.
"...But at this point, I feel as though I have no choice but to break that promise!" Jay finished, entering a fighting stance.
"Bring it on!" Logan threatened, entering a fighting stance as well.
And so Jay and each of his friends proceeded to duke it out with their respective opponents. Seeing how they were in the afterlife, they all knew that they couldn't actually kill, hurt, or even wear each other out, so their best bet was to knock them aside and make their way past.
Down on the third floor, Todd was tussling with his new enemies, struggling a little as it was a one-on-four fight. He and Tim briefly engaged each other in some hand-to-hand combat, though neither of them could land a hit on each other. When the former noticed Steve charging over towards him, he quickly leapt into the air and backflipped over him. Steve couldn't slow down quickly enough and ended up plowing through Tim. Todd adopted a cocky smirk upon landing, but was caught off guard as Gabe came up and punched him square in the face.
He barely avoided falling over as a result of the attack. While he was leaning backwards, he hit his opponent with a foot-jab to the groin, knocking him off balance, before standing up straight and repeatedly jabbing at his torso with a barrage of fists. However, Clarence suddenly landed in front of Todd, causing him to lose his balance and keel over backwards. The other kids took the opportunity to hurry over and pummel him into the ground.
Just one floor below them, Ike and Gracie were squaring up, about to exchange blows. The former was slightly more hesitant to do so. The latter eventually grew tired of waiting and charged towards her idol, nailing him with a series of kicks, chops, and palm-strikes from various martial arts. They weren't strong enough to actually knock Ike down, but he was forced to back up to evade the onslaught.
"Grrr, this isn't right! I can't fight a girl!" he groaned.
"Well you should've thought of that before you shunned me!" Gracie replied, readying her gun. "Now eat lace, punk!"
Before Ike could get another word in, he was quickly buried in a large pile of undergarments in various colors, sizes, and types, all rapid-fired from the twin barrels.
On the fourth floor, Eli and Melvin were still staring each other down.
"I won't ask again, Melvin. Get out of my way! I've got a friend who needs my help!" Eli snarled.
"Not a chance, little brother," Melvin replied. "Not until you agree to let me become a part of your afterlife! I'm a changed man, you know!"
"That's the biggest lie I've ever been told! If you won't get out of my way, then I'll force you out of my way!" Eli threatened.
"Oh, look! A Republican with a spine! You don't see that very often nowadays," Melvin sneered. "But anyway, I'd like to see you try!"
With a fierce battle-cry, Eli charged at full speed towards his brother. Melvin proceeded to charge towards him, his shoulder aimed in the direction he was running in. Eli proved himself to be the more agile twin, and managed to drop to the ground so he could slide between Melvin's legs. He quickly hopped back up and roundhouse kicked him from behind. This sent Melvin reeling into the wall.
However, he was quick to repeat the same attempted attack, charging out of the dust cloud that resulted from his impact, but at a much higher speed. Eli tried to shield himself by crossing his arms in front of him, but Melvin easily overpowered him as he continued to charge towards the wall. Now trapped on the front of his charging brother, Eli made a desperate move and grabbed his shoulders, before swinging over his head and nailing him with a windmill kick from behind, halting him in his tracks.
As soon as Melvin turned around, Eli proceeded to try jabbing at him. Melvin swayed from side to side to avoid the first two punches, before nailing his twin right in the face. Undeterred, Eli performed a backflip during the knockback, before skidding backwards on his feet for a spell. He ran towards Melvin again, this time anticipating a counterattack. Melvin attempted to jab at his brother again, but Eli managed to perform a dropkick at the same time. He managed to overpower the oncoming assault and sent Melvin's fist flying right back into his own face, effectively knocking him over.
He then proceeded to tackle him onto the ground and they rolled together in a ball for a spell, before Melvin harshly kicked Eli off of him.
"Oog!" Eli grunted, gritting his teeth as he was slammed back-first into the wall.
"Is that all you got?" Melvin taunted.
Eli said nothing as he leapt out of the resulting dust cloud and front-flipped a few times before landing on the ground.
"Hardly," he taunted back.
Back upstairs, Jay was busying himself trying to punch Logan, but he kept flipping and swaying out of the way, the cockiest of grins plastered on his face.
"Hah! It seems that even in the afterlife, your obesity holds you back!" Logan taunted, before he was suddenly struck in the face by a left hook from his father.
He stumbled backwards until he was against the wall, with Jay in hot pursuit. However, before the latter could capitalize on his opening, Logan's sentient shadow suddenly appeared and extended a leg, causing Jay to trip and keel over. Logan himself chuckled at the sight of this. However, Jay still had plenty of fight left in him and scrambled back to his feet. Hastily looking around, he grabbed a candle off the nearby table and thrust it in the direction of the shadow. The silhouette let out a shriek as it was struck by the concentrated light and disappeared into nothingness.
"Nooo!" Logan cried out in annoyance, before his father hurried over and punched him in the face once again.
Jay then uppercutted him in the jaw, before quickly grabbing his staff, preventing it from being used as a counterattack against him. As the two men tugged on the staff for a bit, Logan was forced to let go of it as Jay kicked him in the stomach, sending him reeling into the wall once more.
"It's over, son," he said.
"Yeah, right," Logan taunted.
Jay said nothing more as he hurled the staff like a javelin right back at its owner, before it embedded itself in the wall right by his head. Logan adopted a look of confusion at how narrowly it missed him, before looking in the direction of his father. However, he was taken by surprise as he was met with a second uppercut, followed by a roundhouse kick right into his own staff, knocking him to the ground. Jay looked down at him, satisfied that he had managed to get his point across. That is until Logan suddenly leapt back onto his feet and used his staff to whack his father onto the floor.
"Hahaha, you thought that was it?" he taunted. "You seriously thought I'd surrender my evil plan so easily?"
"Well, honestly yes," Jay replied sheepishly.
"At any rate, I'm not through here. I will make us reincarnate as soon as possible, and you, pops, will be the first to go!" Logan threatened as he readied a voodoo doll resembling his father, simultaneously pulling out a needle. "So! Got any last words for me, Dad?"
"As a matter of fact, yes," Jay replied, a weak smirk on his face. "Amy Winehouse is a bitch!"
"...Really? Those are your last words? I mean, you're not gonna say something like- Oof!" Logan replied, being caught off guard again as Jay knocked him onto his back with a leg sweep.
He then attempted to elbow-drop his opponent, who quickly rolled out of harm's way. Both of them quickly sprang back to their feet and proceeded to trade jabs once again.
Back on the first floor, Gracie was still staring at the massive pile of women's undergarments that she had created.
"Hmph. Well that was almost too easy," she said, heading up to the second floor. "Ah well, I'd better get going. Dr. Lewis is probably expecting me."
"Oh, I wouldn't be so sure about that..." a voice said.
"Lemme guess, he's gonna suddenly jump out at me?" Gracie asked, before looking behind her, seeing Ike burst out of his lace prison. "Oh, so you've still got a little fight left in you, huh?"
"You bet. And I'm not holding anything back, young lady!" Ike warned, entering a fighting stance.
"Bring it!" Gracie taunted, readying her gun again.
She then proceeded to fire off various bras, thongs, and panties at Ike, who dodged them effortlessly. Peculiarly, he made usage of various dance moves in order to do so. Such moves included the Carlton, the moonwalk, various types of breakdancing, and a Russian dance that involved folding his arms and kicking his legs up in front of him. He even began to shuffle his feet from right to left as he sang the chorus of "Shipoopi" from The Music Man. This only infuriated Gracie even more as she fervently tried to hit him again. She eventually fired a large balcony bra at him, only to have him catch it in his hand. Leaping into the air, he launched it right back at her like a slingshot, hitting her directly in the face.
As Ike landed, he landed a downward punch onto his opponent's head, before grabbing her gun and giving her a taste of her own medicine. The direct spray of underwear caused Gracie to back up towards the wall, before she was finally caught off guard as Ike whacked her with the machine gun, sending her reeling through the thin fabric that made up the tent's exterior and plummeting towards the ground below, eventually landing and forming a Gracie-shaped crater in the dirt. Ike reached through the hole and looked away as he dropped the gun after her, relishing in the thud it made as it landed on its owner. Not wasting any more time, he hurried up towards the third floor.
Speaking of the third floor, Todd and his enemies were still going at it, and this time nobody was showing any mercy. Todd struggled to hold his own while also holding off all four of the other kids. Eventually, he found himself getting punched repeatedly as he was sent stumbling into another kid each time. However, he soon snapped out of it and fended off Gabe, Steve, and Tim with his own fists, only to be taken by surprise as Clarence got the drop on him, his rounded physique causing them both to bounce along the ground for a bit. He finally let Todd go as he threw him into the wall, the resulting impact causing the tent stake to snap and the wall to tear a little.
"Hah! You fight like a girl!" Gabe sneered.
"Hey, hey, hey! This is a modern sitcom! We can't make that joke anymore!" Todd retorted.
"Well then you fight like a kid!" Tim interjected.
"Funny. I was just about to say the same thing about you!" Todd quipped, grabbing the piece of the tent stake that had broken off and twirling it around like a spear.
"Oh, well I guess we didn't pummel you hard enough then," Steve taunted. "Well that's something that can be changed!"
"Look! A floating piece of candy!" Todd suddenly shouted, pointing up at the ceiling.
"Ooh! Where?!" everyone else shrieked in response as they looked up.
With his foes distracted and the Pirates of the Caribbean theme playing in the background, Todd let out a shrill battle-cry as he held his new bo staff out in front of him, parallel to the ground. He charged right through the crowd of boys, knocking them over like dominoes. He then screeched to a halt as soon as he saw Clarence descending from above in an attempt to crush him again. Performing a front flip, he then extended his legs behind him and dropkicked Clarence into his cronies, knocking them all out of the tent. A bowling strike sound-effect played in the background as this happened, followed by a red X popping up on screen, accompanied by a buzzer.
"Whaddaya know? Outsmarted again," Todd jeered as he hurried upstairs.
On the fourth floor, the Eugene brothers were still having their heated match, and both were determined to not lose to the other. Melvin attempted to ram into his twin with another shoulder-charge, but Eli simply extended his leg and tripped him. Unfazed, Melvin sent him flying across the room with a punch, before attempting to charge him again. This time, Eli started running right towards his brother, though this time he dropped to the floor and slid between his legs. Once he got behind him, he nailed him with a roundhouse kick to the back.
However, Melvin only stumbled from this attack. After quickly turning around, he launched his brother into the air with a flip-kick, before leaping after him. Before Eli could counterattack, he was suddenly knocked back to the ground by means of an axe-kick. He tightly shut his eyes as he made impact, but quickly opened them to see Melvin about to drop onto him with a drawn back fist. Log-rolling out of the way, he was able to dodge this attack, and quickly knocked his opponent to the ground with a leg-sweep.
Melvin quickly hopped to his feet and attempted to punch Eli in the groin, but the latter spread his legs to avoid it at the last second. He then brought them back together, trapping Melvin's arm in place, before suddenly thrusting them into the air and sending him flying into the wall. The impact caused the tent stake to snap, ripping a hole in the red and purple wall. Seeing this as an opportunity, Eli dashed over and abruptly halted, before lightly tapping his brother with his toes. The small touch was enough to knock him through the hole and send him plummeting to the ground. Eli winced as a Melvin-shaped crater was formed in the dirt.
"Hmph, hopefully that'll be the last time he bothers me," he spat, before hearing footsteps behind him.
Ike and Todd turned out to be the source of the footsteps as they hurried onto the third floor.
"Oh, there you are. You alright?" Ike asked.
"I'm fine. You two?" Eli asked in response.
"Never better. Now come on, we've gotta help Jay!" Todd replied as the trio hurried to the top floor.
When they arrived, they found Jay and Logan still duking it out, neither one of them showing signs of giving up. Hell, it wasn't even clear who had the upper hand. It wasn't long before Logan suddenly noticed the trio and kicked his father off of him so he could stand up.
"Hmm, well if it isn't my father's new friends," he sneered. "I take it the traps I laid out for you all weren't sufficient enough?"
"You can say that again," Ike replied.
"I take it the traps I laid out for you all weren't sufficient enough?" Logan asked.
"Er... no, I didn't mean that literally," Ike scratched his head.
"Hold the phone. Did he say 'father'?" Todd asked.
"It's a long story. I'll explain later," Jay dismissed. "For now, let's just put this fool in his place!"
Despite now having four people in opposition to him, Logan kept his cool. He snapped his fingers, causing the eyes on all the voodoo masks on the walls to glow pearly white. Soon enough, they all levitated and formed a circle around the four friends, before suddenly sprouting some mottled black and midnight-purple humanoid bodies.
"Friends on the other side! I command you to make short work of these meddlers!" Logan ordered.
"Oh shit! What are we gonna do now?!" Eli asked in a panic.
"Don't worry, I've got an idea on how to fight back," Ike replied.
"Yeah? And what's that?" Todd asked.
"By the power of shameless pop-culture references!" Ike announced, raising his fist in the air, before raising an eyebrow and pulling out a stack of paper. "Really? That's what my line said? Seriously, what the fuck are these writers smoking on?!"
"Doesn't matter. Let's do this!" Eli said excitedly.
With that, Todd popped a whole bundle of spinach into his mouth, which he quickly chewed and swallowed, the Popeye theme playing in the background all the while. Soon after, he started to float off the ground and let out a scream as his hair suddenly grew out and started to glow bright yellow, signifying that he was going Super Saiyan. He then pulled out an orange lightsaber and started to slash through the enemies surrounding him.
Ike and Eli then stood together in a fighting stance, as the latter tapped the screen on his iPhone a few times. As soon as he tucked it into his pocket, the 1960s Batman theme started to play. He and Ike then proceeded to punch and kick the enemies surrounding them, various words describing the impact randomly popping up. While Eli continued to fight in this style, Ike suddenly curled into a spiky blue ball and plowed through a small cluster of the voodoo summonings.
"JOHN CENA!" Jay shouted, the appropriate theme music playing in the background as he leapt into the air.
He brought both of his fists together and attempted to slam down onto Logan, only to notice him side-step out of the way. Both of them immediately dropped into a fighting stance. After staring each other down for a bit, Jay let out a battle-cry and cupped his hands together.
"Hadouken!" he repeatedly yelled as he fired off some blue energy balls; all of which were batted away by means of Logan's staff.
He eventually decided to fire off a whole slew of them at once. Logan had no choice but to bend over backwards as the scene switched to slow motion, just barely able to dodge them all.
"Hmph, is that all you have?" Logan taunted as he stood back up, only to be taken by surprise as one of the projectiles hit him in the stomach.
"Shoryuken!" Jay yelled as he uppercutted his stunned son in the face, before drawing back a flame-coated fist. "Falcon Punch!"
Logan was sent stumbling backwards as a result of the punch, and while he was stunned, Jay took the opportunity to attack him some more. After readying his fists, the screen suddenly went dark, before a rapid flurry of punches could be heard. The screen suddenly lit up again, revealing a large, red glowing Akuma symbol as Logan was sent flying again.
This last attack sent Logan crashing into a nearby bookcase, causing a few voodoo dolls to fall off and tumble across the room. Jay took a look at the one that landed the closest to him, noticing its resemblance to his son. A shard of glass was on the floor nearby, which he didn't hesitate to grab. Logan noticed this and immediately panicked, before casting a spell from his staff that sent a whole pile of voodoo dolls falling onto the ground. He chuckled as soon as he saw his father struggling to find the right one.
However, everyone in the room was caught off guard as some helicopter blades could be heard from right outside the tent. Logan pulled a lever, opening up the roof and revealing a jet-black helicopter. The breeze from the spinning blades caused all the dolls in the vicinity to blow away, revealing Logan's doll once again. As soon as Jay spotted it, he quickly snatched it up and stabbed the shard of glass right into its chest. Logan was already jogging over to him in an attempt to stop this, but was held back as a bright white light emitted from his chest. He let out a blood-curdling scream as he was stabbed, but continued to press on in an attempt to get his hands on his father. However, Jay forced the glass deeper into the doll, holding his son back as he screamed some more. Within another minute, his entire body started to glow white, before it vanished, leaving behind nothing but his clothes and hair, revealing the latter to be nothing more than a wig.
As soon as Logan vanished, all the voodoo masks lost their shine and fell lifelessly to the ground, their bodies vanishing as well. The spell that was causing the tent to levitate also dissipated, causing it to plummet back to the ground. All four men suddenly panicked, before they heard the door on the helicopter open up.
"Robyn?!" Ike asked as soon as the pilot revealed herself.
"Now that's a plot convenience if I ever saw one," Eli said snarkily.
"Forget that! Let's make like my dad's hairline and recede!" Todd yelped.
"Get to dee choppa!" Robyn replied in an unusually gruff voice as she dropped a ladder.
Without hesitation, Ike and his friends climbed into the helicopter and the group flew off, watching as the slab of earth that the circus tent was on descended back into the hole it had left behind.
"So how'd ya' like my pop-culture reference?" Robyn folded her arms arrogantly as she smirked.
"It was great, and it happened just in time too," Ike praised. "Gotta say, it felt pretty satisfying taking out all my anger on Gracie like that."
"Yeah, it's like that feeling you get when you see your wife walk around pregnant, and you think to yourself, 'yup, I did that'," Eli replied.
Ike simply scratched his head and arced an eyebrow, before he noticed the others standing a good distance away, staring at the downed circus tent.
"Um, Jay? Where'd that voodoo guy run off to?" Todd asked curiously, having returned to normal.
"He just had an early reincarnation," Jay replied. "And hopefully he'll be reborn to parents who take better care of themselves."
"And on another note, can all the villains in this canon stop getting killed off already? That way we won't have to keep dealing with them up here," Ike rolled his eyes.
"Wait, how'd you know-?" Todd butt in.
"Don't ask," Ike cut him off.
"Honestly, it kinda' sucks that he was behind all the shit we've been going through," Eli grumbled. "I think we can all agree that after enduring all that, we deserve to do something fun."
"Well, there's always next season, right?" Todd suggested.
"Not this time, Todd," Ike replied. "Not this time."
~ ~ ~ End of Series ~ ~ ~