A/N: Created on November 13th, 2018
Hello, I say. Can you hear me?
I wish to talk to you, but you never seem to hear me.
Can you even see me? I'm standing right here, growing further and further away.
Why do you keep on pushing me back? Hello? Answer me, please. I cannot bear this churning feeling wrenching my heart apart, tears itching at my eyes but don't fall; my throat closing up, a wish to scream on the tip of my lips.
Hello? I call, uncertain and afraid. Is anybody home?
Nothing. An abandoned house with a doll trotting about. I'm that doll, aren't I? A dancing doll. That's what you want, isn't it? For me to follow your whims and advises; to be a good girl.
My feet are killing me, mum, and yet you don't recognise me. These chains binding me to you are cold and harsh, they hurt me. Why can't I be me?
Do I even matter to you? Or are you just trying to shape me in your own image?
Stop, please. I want to go home.
You are home, you say, I wish for you to be home, to be part of my family.
But… doesn't what I want matter? Hello? Mother?
What do you want from me? You want me to be good? I've tried, but it's never enough. I'm not like you, can't you see that? I'm different, different from my peers, different from you. Why do you not let me speak? Do my words bother you so? Isn't progression meant to be a mutual development?
But I don't matter, do I? Why do you make me feel like this? Worthless, stressed, about to explode. I want to scream, but do you deserve that? I'm so tired of calling out, why don't you hear me?
Hello? I would like an answer today.
Perhaps a little self-reflection. I look into myself and I see sadness… anger. Loneliness, are you even listening to me?
Did you take care of me? You fed me, brought me life, brought me a home… said you loved me, and yet… I cried. Why did I cry, mother? Did I do something wrong? Why will you not answer me? Isn't family supposed to be about warmth? About security? To love unconditionally no matter what? Then why don't I? Why do you expect me to love you when I can't even look at you without being afraid?
Why do you put conditions for your love? It angers me, makes me insecure.
I shout at you, hello! I'm right here, I don't want to be alone with these feelings anymore.
You shout, hello! Why won't you do as I say?
But living by your rules dictates that I change to your standards. What if I don't want that?
Hello? I don't trust you, but can I please stay? I don't have anywhere else to go.
I walk this quiet road alone, pushing you away. Like you pushed me away, ignored me and called me a fool.
Is there anybody out there? Hello?
(please, I want to find my home)
Where's my sister? Is she okay?
I'll find her if she's not.
(I don't trust you to take care of her)
Hello? I shout.
Answer me, please!
(you never did. you only questioned, only turned the blame on me.)
The bombshell hits and I cry out.
(please tell my sister I said hello)