I stare at the doorway, my eyes glazing over as the thoughts in my mind become my main focus. I pray that soon the person I long for the most, the man I hold close to my heart will simply pass by. I watch the motionless doorway, praying even that he might cross over the threshold. No one.
I feel emptiness taking its stance around me. I stare back at its leering eyes. I can't let these feelings prevail. I know that the emotions waging war are easy to succumb to and once given full reign impossible to usurp. I stare back at the swords wielded by emptiness and the bows bent by my longing. They take aim at my heart and soul. I close my eyes unable to move, every part of me shackled, longing to raise my white flag high. Every part of me screams that the battle isn't even worth fighting because I would never win, and I'm right. I would never win in a war against my own emotions. I feel my eyelids raise slowly and I see more and more warriors joining the ranks. Emptiness and longing were alone before, but now despair and grief file in and I feel the emotions within me clogging my throat. The sky grows dark as I wage this war on myself. I know that I will lose, and it will leave me exhausted and deserted, like a city without walls.
The words flow slowly.
The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
Light breaks through the swirling clouds sending warmth over me and drying my tears.
He makes me to lie down in green pastures, He leads me beside the still waters, He restores my soul.
Oh, Father, please. Restore the parts of me that are broken; restore to me the parts I have so carelessly given away.
He leads me in the paths of righteousness for His name's sake.
You are my Champion. Though this battle looms on around me, Yours is the victory. You fight for me, You wield Your sword, and decimate my enemy. The commander of that evil army shouts that I am empty. He tells me that I lack what I need. He says that You don't care about me… But those who fear You, Lord, shall lack no good thing.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for You are with me. Your rod and Your staff they comfort me.
God, I can't do this. Like a sheep I am helpless against my enemy. His fangs are bared and all I can do is hope that it all happens quickly. You are capable. You have fought off many a beast and You stand here with me, holding me; my hands have grown weary in this battle, and You pull me into You and have me sit on Your lap. You hold my arms up. Your hands are in mine and You are my Rock and You are my Banner.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; You anoint my head with oil; my cup runs over.
You lead me in triumph, You diffuse a sweet aroma throughout this place. My enemies gaze on me with their hatred. They are unable to touch me because You are my God.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life; and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.
Peace flows through me as these words come to rest in my soul. Sweet waters to my dry mouth.
I stare again at the empty doorway. I feel another battle threatening to begin. I stand up from my chair, not wanting to stay there.