Dearest, All Might and Most Respected Fund-Granting Body,
You are now reading the incipit of a perhaps not too lengthy, surely not dull, letter of application for your highly sought-after grant. On my side, I shall endeavour to not bore you with grandiloquent discourses and to be concise for both our sakes. Thus, I urge you to proceed in your task and not despair even though times will come when you might feel like you should take a break and avert your eyes from this paper. Indeed, it is true that I do not, unlike others, promise a string of lies and flattery, but I can be superbly persuasive, though you better make no assumptions on the matter. I am not voluntarily offering to lick the soles of your shoes, but prices can be negotiated.
My reasons for wanting this money are my own, but I shall give you a glimpse of what is going on inside my bright mind as I lay my pen down.
Throughout my life, I have been put through many challenges: disasters and crises flocked in my direction, literally flooding me with great opportunities to prove my greatness. Oh, and how ready I was to take all of them head-on. I was only four when I got into my first "fight-for-power": a child smaller than me had taken my prized toy cart from the toy box before me and I could not stand still after that. I argued with her, but, regrettably, I was unsuccessful: my diplomatic words were not comprehensible to the retarded kid, so I resorted to the elegance of forceful manners to subdue her. One swift motion and I had the toy in my hand and, with its help, I crushed her head open for good measure; I needed to prove I was the one in charge.
Yet, do not make the mistake of portraying me as a brute. Over the years, I grew more and more in intellect, wits and skills. I have more than once, out of my own free will, prepared cakes and other culinary products for my friends only to subtly lure them into my trap: blinded by my unadulterated generosity, they never hesitated offering themselves as guinea pigs to my cookery treats, even being grateful to be tested on. After all, I am such a great expert in human experimentation it is only natural they should feel honoured to be my subjects. And for those who survived the ordeal, they merrily joined the ranks of my followers, more obedient creditors to add to my army. And yet, I am not a self-serving manipulative tyrant, mind you; simply put I can flawlessly exploit genuine, naturally occurring, opportunities to improve my life and that of those around me. Indeed, I also am part of this world, so improving my condition counts towards improving the world, does it not? As for those surrounding me in awe: my light shines brightly enough to spread its power onto them and automatically grant them bliss just by witnessing my rise to power.
If that is not enough to persuade you of my good deeds, I also write in order to influence people and move their hearts through steamy hot same-sex fan-fiction. Results have always impressed even me, it is with pride that I can quote some of the reviews which clearly reflect the strong impact my works have had on the readers:
"You, Author-san turned me on!"
"Omg, that was superb, I am wet all your fault, Mr Author…"
It suffices to say that I have already developed not-a-few admirers out there in the world who can feel and share my same pureness of heart. On a more personal note, I am close to founding a secret worshipping cult to honour the greatest divine apparition to ever bless my eyes. As you can infer from this, I am not a dry shell but I cultivate and hold dear my spirituality to the point that higher beings, massagers from the immaterial world, have graciously manifested to me.
I have already started to gather other believer under my protective wing; we meet up every Sunday when the clock strikes twelve at the Designated place of Reverence. There we discuss of our plans to slowly take over the world with fluffy stuffed animals as our only witnesses. There are no traitors among us, no weak-hearts. We shall triumph, but in the meantime, my first step is to secure your favour. So please, do look kindly on a nascent religious sect and offer us your whole support and your wallet as well.
As for my research skills, you would be impressed with what obsession I have meticulously piled up knowledge on a variety of topics, ranging from demonology to blades' types, to English finest cutlery through the centuries to medicinal and poisonous plants. Over the years, I have refined enviable information gathering skills by relentlessly approaching people and places of interest. Joining a shadowy society, for which I am afraid I cannot disclose any information about, has given me the additional stealth and deception expertise, which I needed to perfect my technique. Sadly, they excuse themselves from writing a reference for me, as I cannot possibly reveal their contacts without irremediably damaging their cover. Thus, I kindly ask you to trust my word on the marketability of the experiences my service time with them has provided me.
I am extremely flexible, I can jump through hoops with ease and land in a split without breaking a sweat, nor my spine. Moreover, as a plus, I have good skills with a pool cue both for the game itself and for self-defence; in case you feel up for a challenge come and find me after the interview. I am, after all, the captain and founder of my College pool team and as such, I must be the one fittest to lead the pack against our enemies. No adversity scares me; no other human can match me in determination. Of course, we held elections: I was unanimously voted for by everyone to be captain.
Oh and let's not forget my fashion sense. I fully devoted myself to designing my own uniquely multi-functional style. You won't catch me frowning at the sporadic casual wear, yet I certainly do prefer the sleekness of a silk shirt, the refined looks of a velvet jacket and the old-fashioned aura of a folded cravat. Without doubts, this is the outfit I was meant to wear since the day I took my very first breath and now the time to turn that into reality has finally come. It is towards this very specific goal that I will require your money to fund, among other things, a vital expansion of my wardrobe in the next few months. Someone of my standards cannot be seen walking around in vile attire like a commoner.
It is not lack of modesty that prompts me to say, "Many can only aspire to accomplish what I am naturally adept to achieve". I was born to be a Victor and all that has happened in my life until now was there for the sole purpose of better equipping me with expendable prowess to succeed in securing your funding. I have absolute confidence in the set of skills thus far outlined and in the quality of this overly detailed essay. After all, it has got to be a killer-statement to get me through your mercilessly selective program. And if would kindly you allow me a word, I don't need to be an employee if I can become an employer via murder.
Fear not, though, should you find yourself laughing too hard at this short compendium on my innumerable good skills and were you consequently and quite unluckily to choke on one of my pre-emptively served green olives, please rest assured that I will be there to save you with my practiced Heimlich Manoeuvre. Given enough support, I can resurrect people. Yet, I am still practicing walking on water; I am afraid, my skin might be hydrophobic.
Lastly, I hope you have thoroughly enjoyed this delectable masterpiece of application. I shall conclude this letter with a gift, sharing a personal secret about myself: my stubbornness is my strength and I never give up. You will not be ridded of me unless I do get the position, this time around or the next…I shall be back next season and the one after, with more skills to my arsenal to persecute you. That is my supreme hidden technique, which nobody fails to fall prey to.
With utmost faith in your best Judgment,
Your soon-to-be Scholar,
Q. N. L.
P.S.: You will not find any other suitable candidate nor their bodies, of that I can assure you.