A Mother's Hidden Sorrow

Today, she went out with her bestfriend just to hang out and catch up on things. Since they have not seen each other for a while, they were as noisy as expected like two giggling highschool girls. She was happy, she was thrilled at the chance to bond again; but what she hadn't counted on was the sudden loneliness she felt upon seeing her bestfriend bringing her precious baby along.

She was silent for a while, looking at the angelic face that cooed and smiled at her expectantly. She bit her lip and blinked back the sudden tears that are threatening to come out of her eyes. Turning her head so that her bestfriend would not notice anything at all, she scooped the baby in her arms and walked ahead a bit, carrying the child as the tears finally fell.

Her bestfriend's baby will be turning a year old in just a month and preparations for the big day were in full swing. Everyone was excited about the upcoming party and her bestfriend had fussed over what dress her baby should wear, what theme the entire party should have, what design the cake should have… things that a doting mom is expected to worry about over her child's first grand birthday party.

She let her mind wander and thought of what could have been, had her baby survived.

In four months, her baby would have already turned two and even if she knew she would have thrown the biggest bash ever for her child's first birthday, the second and upcoming birthdays would surely be just as special. She knew she would have made sure of that.

She would have been as excited and fussy as her bestfriend is now. She would surely do anything just to ensure that her baby would always get the best. For the minute that she found out, she was pregnant, she had vowed that she would try her damn hardest to be the best mom that she could be.

But for what short plan she was able to make, she found out the hard way that her child was not meant for her. God took her baby away even before she could grasp the reality that a tiny life was already growing inside of her, just so that she may live.

She was devastated. She hid what she felt from the world so no one else had any idea of her pain but deep inside, she was asking God why this had to happen. She felt that God was punishing her over something by taking a gift that would have made her life worthwhile. She did not understand why her baby had to serve as the ultimate sacrifice in exchange for her life.

Although she had lived, she knew she would never be the same. The whole experience changed her, sadly not for the better, for it only shattered her spirit all the more. But like how the cliché saying goes, time heals all wounds. She could not do anything to change what has happened and as she repeatedly kept telling herself, "Everything happens for a reason under the heavens."

She continued to question God why but she prayed for him to grant her the wisdom to understand the reason and the strength to accept what fate has given her. She knew she could not make this on her own and she needed all the moral support she could get from divine intervention. She felt her prayer answered though; and for that, she was very grateful.

Little by little, she was able to pick up the pieces of her shattered soul and slowly moved on. She realized she owed her baby that much whose life had to be sacrificed just so that she would not die. In her own understanding, she took it as a sign that her mission here on earth was far from over and she still had a lot of repenting and polishing to do to her impure soul.

Now, two years later, she was alive and kicking, doing okay and trying to live life one full day at a time. It has not been easy but being the fighter that she was, she vowed to always get by with a help of her will power, friends, family and God himself.

But it is times like these, when carrying a baby in her arms or seeing a mom playing with a toddler that she is reminded of the treasure that she could have had. And again, she would bite her lips as the tears start to fall.

She hugged her bestfriend's baby tight and kissed her forehead. What she would give to have her child with her now. Her only solace is the knowledge that her baby is now an angel in heaven, under God's gentle care, looking down on her with love as pure as a mother's heart.

She still doesn't understand why what happened had to happen but she felt that in God's perfect time, she and her baby would someday be together again.

I wrote this ten years ago as a means of coping with the devastating loss of my first baby who I named Kismet Adrienne. Not a day goes by that I do not think of her. I would always wonder how it would have been if she is here with me now. She would have been a teenager already.

How I wish… how I still wish…