"It's Over Now"
By Brenna Pawel
"I'm breaking up with you."
You know you just made the biggest mistake of your life as those words come out of your mouth. You release your breath slowly, as if it pains you physically to do so, yet still trying to keep your emotions in check and a neutral expression. She looks at you as if she doesn't believe what she just heard, and a part of you - your heart - wants her to not really believe it. It may sound selfish, but you want her to run after you, want her to fight for you, just like she did every other time. You want her to not accept that this is the end and to say that she loves you, assuring you that everything would be fine between you two and making you feel important in her life, as if you were the most special person in the world.
She sits on the edge of your bed, an afflicted expression seizes her delicate face and you fight with all your strength, against yourself not to get closer and comfort her. Pressing your lips together until they turned white, you turn your gaze to the dark floor, feeling suffocated by this environment. The truth was that this whole situation was suffocating you. It was a constant war between what was right and what was supposed to be wrong, between your thoughts and feelings. And you're tired of what you have to endure every day for dating another girl, the malicious remarks from your religious family, the judgmental looks, the loneliness and the sense of inferiority that made you feel excluded from every circle.
"Why?" You hear the soft whisper, when she seems to have recovered her voice. From the corner of your eyes you watch her scared of your own feelings. This was the first time you saw her with a totally serious expression, it was as if you were in the presence of the complete opposite of her, since she always smiled and led her life as if nothing could shake her. And you can not help but curse yourself for taking the smile from her lips and causing her so much distress. You shake your head as if to push away those thoughts and begins to silently repeat what has become your new mantra, that you should stay strong, that you're doing this for a greater reason, because you need to be loved by your parents again, you need to go back to being Daddy's little girl, back to being the prodigy daughter, to be a normal person. And with her by your side, you could be anything but normal.
You close your eyes, feeling your stomach wrap itself in tiny pieces, it was too much for you to deal with. You moisten your lips, remembering that you owe her an answer. At no time when inventing various scenarios in your head did this question arise, so you say the first thing that comes to your mind. "I'm not gay." You shrug, convinced that you really aren't. As your parents told you constantly, you were just going through a bad phase, your relationship was simply a rebellious phase, something to satisfy your curiosity. You can not date a woman, it's wrong. You can not feel what you felt for her. Homosexual couples do not have happy endings and you need a happy ending, a happy life, something she could never give you.
"So what were those seven months we spent together? What did they mean?" She asks with a sudden exasperation in her voice, rising from the bed and only a few feet away. You're grateful for it, all you need now is distance. You can not have her very close or you doubt you'll be able to say what is needed.
You swallow the saliva with difficulty, mentally replaying all the moments you spent together, planning a future where you both could live freely, watching them fall apart when you say the following phrase. "They were a mistake." You quickly look down at your feet, not holding the look that was cast at you. This time you know very well what you just did. You just did what you vowed never to do, you broke your promise. You hurt her and broke her heart.
There is silence in the room, until you hear her sigh. Lifting your gaze slowly, you realize that she had her arms around her body, as if she were hugging herself for comfort. You quickly close your eyes again, not wanting to witness it, it breaks your heart to know that you are the cause of her pain. Part of you wants to get closer and take her in your arms, but you know you shouldn't do that. You can not keep a few tears from rolling down your face, everything was so confusing, so complicated.
"I'm tired of running after you." She says in a broken whisper. Your tears increase as you hear this. Yes, it was what you wanted, after all she has to let you go, just as you're letting her go, but it still hurts to listen to her. She's giving up on you. For seven months, all you did was run away from your feelings. You asked her to leave you alone, to stop loving you, because she deserves someone better than you, and all she did was say that she was not going anywhere, that she would be on your side whenever necessary, that she loved you and as long as you loved her, she would need nothing else. Now here you are...
You finally managed to break her. You exhausted her, made her quit.
"I give up. I've had enough. I can not play this damn game of push and pull with you anymore. For months I've played it and I'm tired of it." A soft voice in your head repeated over and over again for you to say something, to say that everything was a big mistake, that you did not want it to end this way, that you love her and need her, that you can't let her go, that you can work really hard to improve yourself, be a better girlfriend, a better person, a person she really deserves and not this frightened girl you became. But unfortunately, once again, you let your fears win and completely ignore those thoughts.
Your gaze meets hers and for a few seconds you get lost in those brown eyes that you love so much until she says. "Goodbye, Helena."
Without giving you a chance to reason what just happened, she leaves your room. Out of your life.
That was the last time you saw her in person.
Just something (completely different from my writing style) I wrote almost five years ago and I finally decided to post it. Title taken from the song It's Over Now by Tedy. Sorry for any mistakes, I hope you have enjoyed reading. Reviews, please?! XxBre.