"What a dream I had, pressed in organdy."
Simon and Garfunkel's song ended with him waking, "feeling her warm and near."
But my dream was neither so elegant, nor did it end in happiness.
Instead, it ended in feeling of turmoil and confusion.
For this was a dream about a girl I knew once.
Let me explain.
I am pansexual, and a year or so ago, I knew a girl.
She was like me, a book lover. And...And I may have loved her.
The child I was and still feel I am today knew nothing of love.
But electricity flickered up and down my spine when she was near
And I think of her still, and I see her face in my mind.
(Was this love? Let us call it, simply, attraction.)
Yes, I felt a strong and strange attraction.
And yesterday, her face came so suddenly into my dream.
It began in a classroom, a social studies room.
It was cramped and small. I was sitting behind her.
I whispered, "I have a crush on you,"
As I'd longed to do for those feverish months where I thought I was heartsick.
(A ridiculous notion. At that age, there is no heartsickness.)
She whispered something back.
Then the dream changed, and we found ourselves eating dinner. I picked at my food, not knowing what to say or do.
After this dinner, we went outside in the dim summer sunlight to swim.
Fully clothed, I fell.
Submerged in the green water, my shoes dragged me down and I woke to the sound of my alarm.
Was this dream a wish? A memory? For I had not thought of her for so long. Only yesterday had the memory of her name crashed into my mind.
I know no longer whether I am attracted to her, to the boy in my class
or to no one.
Her face floats in my mind,
his before my eyes.
My world has...not crashed, exactly.
What I thought I knew was true is neither true nor false.
All I can do now is hold on.