ORANGE COUNTY—The Babylon Bee recently had the misfortune of sitting down with an elderly San Clemente man who appeared to have not had sex in months to learn more about his cranky battle against the greatest president in our lifetime. According to Henry Duchene, a virulent God denier and Inverted Earth theorist, his ideology consists of whatever the Fake News media, progressive universities, greedy corporations, and liberal Hollywood tells him he should think.

"Yeah, I'm an independent thinker," Henry brags delusionally, when interviewed at a protest rally sponsored by Bob's Dildos. "I would say my unique belief system is an eclectic mix of Antifa, Black Lives Matter, CNN, MSNBC, and that dreamy Don Lemon. There's a lot of hate and misinformation out there, so it's important that I get my life's moral compass entirely from rich black athletes like LeBron James and Colin Kaepernick. The only exception is Rosie O'Donnell."

According to the former Orange County Sheriff's Department investigator who only got his job through the determined efforts of his ex-wife, blindly following the prevailing winds of culture as dictated by trends and hype is the best way of staying "one step ahead of my brother."

"It's important for me to do that because I know our mother loved him way more than she loved me," said Henry, wiping away a tear. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to pick up my best friend. We both have an appointment with our analologist by the dumpster in the alley behind the Ralph's in Cucamonga. It's Free Prostate Test Tuesday."

a tip of the parody hat to The Babylon Bee