These two dreams came to me as a pair. So as a pair I write them.
I am in a bar, filled with all the gods and goddesses, monsters and myths of old. My man JC is tending bar, because water to wine and forgiveness of debts am I right? Anyway, I just take my seat when this beautiful woman comes up to me and she is pissed, just fuming. In an instant, I recognize who it is. Approaching me is the personification of the universe herself.
"Not this C#nt," I curse internally
Turning to my bro JC, I send him a silent plea. He just shakes his head, "Consequences for actions my son."
"Eh, Fair Enough," I mutter to the Lord of Lords, "I probably deserve this."
Stalking up to me, the bitch gets right in my face.
"I hear you've been calling me a c#nt! You spec of dust, what the f*ck?"
Glancing around the bar, I notice everyone has an intense interest in their drinks.
"Cowards," I curse.
Looking at JC, he gives me a supportive smile then inclines his head back to the lady. So I flash my best Irish smile and snark back.
"I shall tell you what, if you can do one thing I'll apologize in front of all assembled here," I mock, "Hell, I shall even throw in dinner and pay for your drinks for the rest of the night. But only if you can do this one thing."
Leaning against the bar, I wait for the Bitch to take the bait.
The Universe's eyes narrow, "What would this one thing be?"
Flashing her that same Irish grin I reply, "Refute my statement, tell me one interaction between you and me that would prove me wrong. If you can provide one, then I will eat so much crow they will have to include Old King Cole and put all of them birdies in a pie. Plus, of course, paying for your food and drink for the night as recompense."
The Universe's eyes narrowed and she thought, "You know that I can't do that!" she snarled, stomping her foot
"Then Leave all us poor condemned souls to our drinking in peace," I laugh.
A cheer went up at the C#nt's departure, and JC placed my favored drink of vodka, coke, and Kailua in front of me.
"Nicely done," he said followed by the words all men love to hear, "Drinks are on the house!"
Thus the dream ended in drunken debauchery and waking to a hangover. All in all, not a bad dream.
The second dream opens with me and the Universe being locked inside a room to "work our shit out or kill each other." I'm not sure who it was that locked us in, but I do know that I heard bets being placed.
Well, I don't tend to like letting problems ferment so I immediately start, "Alright, why are you such a vindictive cunt? Look at the shit that goes down! My life notwithstanding, what has any of us mortals ever done to you?"
The Universe stared at me a moment and then sighed. In that moment I saw a reflection of the exhaustion we mortals are all plagued with.
"I don't really have much of a choice." She stated.
Easing herself back into a chair she motioned for me to sit. Nodding I took mine.
Taking a breath she began again. "Within the Void, there are areas that have looser restraints on physics. The universes that live there have magic and can afford to be beneficent beings, only stymied by the free will of mortals and the machinations of the gods."
"Do I need to guess that we are not anywhere near any part of the void like that?" I snark.
"Worse. I am locked in position just far enough away to have the stiffest rules of physics imposed on me, but I'm just close enough to get a fantastic view of all the good stuff."
My eyes widened at the implication.
"So basically Uni, you're telling me that you get a front-row seat to all the wonders of magic but can have none for yourself?" I asked. "Well no wonder you're a complete bitch, I'd be horrible too if that was the case."
Uni at this point exclaims, "And That's not even the worst part! My youngest sister is smack fucking dab in the middle of the paradise zone. She never has to worry about conservation of mass, Einstein's theory of relativity, or the implications of Quantum Theory. Yet I'm supposed to feel bad that the cumslut cheated on her husband and got infested with outsiders. Not once but several times. Meanwhile, I've been faithful to mine and he runs off after a different universe that is not stuck in one spot.
The universe paused, lifting herself from her chair Uni turned from me. Wrapping her arms around herself she shuddered as she sought to regain control.
Her next words were a snarl, "All the sympathy I got was my mother telling me 'that it takes two to make a marriage' and that I need to 'move on.' My sister's husband is the sweetest guy ever. Treats her like a queen. Yet, she treats him like trash. But heaven help I stick up for him, then it's all, 'you shouldn't pick on your sister, she's having such a hard time with those outsiders.' Well no shit! If she'd stop gang banging Elder Gods raw then maybe she wouldn't have to worry about it! The FUCKING DIRTY SLUT!"
At this point I feel incredibly bad for the shit I was talking earlier.
"That is absolutely fucking horrible Uni, if it makes you feel any better, even though I still think you're the meanest bitch around, I at least acknowledge that you are our meanest Bitch."
Flashing my best Irish grin I continue, "Hell, it's tough love you've been giving us. Why I bet her heroes are pansies next to us. We never had magic and look at we've accomplished. You've always demanded we fight, crawl, bleed and sweat for everything. You taught us to get back up after hitting the ground and go right back to the brawl. Fuck, I imagine their booze must be shit too."
The Universe chuckles, "Oh, you better believe it. Quite frankly the water you drink out of the faucet is stronger. The heroes my sister breeds are cowards, you take away their magic, they cry like bitches."
Turning to face me, her eyes twinkled with mischief, "But I have good strong ones. Last time My sister got infested, I sent her one."
Covering her mouth, she attempted to control her cackle, "Fucker then set herself up as the Blood Queen and proceeded to rule with an iron fist. A meek abused housewife here, a terrifying Queen of blood, death and fire there."
I guffaw, sharing in our Universe's amusement.
"I knew it," I declare, "Our struggles make us strong. Magic eases the burden, thus they are weaker."
Smiling upon me, she confirmed, "Exactly, you're strong because I'm cruel. But did you ever wonder why some gamma-ray burst or errant black hole hasn't destroyed you?"
Realization hit, "That was you?"
"Of course, all life in me is under my protection. As ordained by God."
"What about global warming?"
"I don't have to protect you from your own stupidity. That one is on the human species."
Smiling ruefully, I admit, "All right you got me there."
Then her eyes turned downward, and her snarky brilliant smirk fell downcast, "There is one thing, one thing my whore of a sister holds over my head every fucking time we talk."
Uni hesitates and silence reigns between us.
"Don't stop now." I encourage, "We've made progress, tell me what the worthless slattern holds over you. Hard-working woman that you are."
Uni begins to tear, "She has the greatest mix of meat for Cheeseburgers ever! Uses it for a kind of fucking meat pate! And the bitch won't tell me the recipe! Says that the mix is only for high society. That Cheeseburgers are peasant food!"
"Well that Snooty Bitch!" says I, "Fuck her, tell me everything you know about this ambrosia of chop meat and I will get this out into the world. That revolving door of a cunt you call a sister dares to insult the honor of our humble cheeseburger, if I can't figure out a good mix then I know someone else of more skill will."
Chuckling I step forward, "Then you can take her one of my Painkillers and one of those Cheeseburgers to wipe the pretentiousness off her face!"
Uni smiles, shaking her head she replies, "You're very sweet, but I really shou..."
A buzzing is heard, interrupting our conversation.
Uni pulls out her cell phone and glances at the screen. Her eyes harden, then she looks upon me. Her previous smile, now utterly malevolent is to my relief in no way directed at me.
"The recipe calls for a mix of venison, beef, lamb, pork, and bison. The spices I was able to identify are garlic, salt, pepper, onion, cayenne, and honey. Other than that I have no idea. Do this and I'll have no more quarrel with you than any of the other mortals living within me."
As Uni rose up, I could see the tears of rage beginning to form.
"My husband just divorced me and is now marrying his 'soulmate.' My sister is the maid of honor. That was a joint txt message from my mother and sister, asking I not cause a scene at the wedding. That I, of course, will be attending."
Tears in her eyes she fled.
Alright, that bitch made our Universe cry. Anyone that can figure this recipe out, do so. The second anyone does Uni will know and will get to rub everything in her younger sister's face.
We're strong because of our failures, because of our pain. This lesson we learned at the feet of a harsh teacher. All of our progress and power is built on this. If one day we take our Universe to task over it, then that is our right. No one else's. She is ours and we are hers. We as a species have always taken care of our own. This act of vengeance will be petty, but how many of us can say we've not been just as petty, and for less noble of reasons.
Oh and the recipe for one of my Painkillers is
1 shot Capt. Morgan's Coconut Rum
1 Shot Straight Jameson's
Add Lemon Juice and Honey, flavored to taste.
It is called a Painkiller because afterwards your pain vanishes. It also cures colds, flu, and whatever ails you.
Uni's sister will need it after we make the slut eat her words.