Words I Couldn't Say

How do I tell you?
What can I say?
Tears streaming down my face
Give me away.

But you can't see that.
You don't know.
And I can't speak.
Not ready to show

The hurt deep inside me,
The feelings I dread.
Desires to cut,
Even to be dead.

The reason is stupid.
I knew what I knew.
But explaining it more...
Did I even have a clue?

I did, I do,
I know what to expect.
I just couldn't anticipate
Feeling so wrecked.

I thought I could do this,
That all would be fine.
I never imagined
Within my mind a line.

A barrier, an obstacle,
Feelings I can't tame.
A reaction too powerful
My internal shame.

Love is still love
But not the "right" type?
Platonic it sounds mainly
Barely worth the hype.

But I've known all along
That could be the result.
So why does it strike my heart
As if it were an insult?
Then radio silence.
Then I couldn't respond.
Because I couldn't explain
How these feelings were spawned.

You trusted me to know
To understand, to respect
The things you wouldn't feel,
But I couldn't guess the effect.

I'm calmer now, silent.
The tears have all dried.
But I can't shake my worry,
Feeling that I've lied.

I love you, I do.
I can learn to understand.
My entire reaction
Was nothing that I planned.

I'm so very sorry.
I'm sure I've hurt you.
I'm slowly learning to manage.
It's all just so new.

This relationship, these feelings,
Reactions I didn't predict.
Going silent on my end,
Trying to avoid conflict.

Until I could express,
Could properly relate
The way I was feeling.
The intensity of its weight.

Now I've expressed,
explained, elucidated.
I just hope it's enough
For how long you've waited.

I think we can move passed this,
And I don't want you to say
Things that you don't mean,
Come whatever may.

I can be happy that you love me
In the ways that you do.
And stop with the expectations
That just put pressure on you.