Then, Now, Tomorrow

Then I was confused,
Manipulated, used.
The things that she said
To get me into bed...
If I refused to comply
The relationship would die.
"You don't really love me."
"You think that I'm ugly."
She knew I'd give in.
She knew that she would win.
I didn't even understand
The manipulation at hand.
It...didn't feel good
Like I thought that it should.
And once it was done
I felt only numb.
But doing it then
Meant doing it again.
Once became twice,
Twice became thrice.
Soon I lost track.
I'd never get it back.
So why even resist?
When she would insist.
Eventually I left
Already so bereft.

I found someone new.
Soon he wanted it too.
Curiosity made me consent,
And he was quite content.
But I wanted to run
Soon after it had begun.
Yet I'd continue to agree
And resist the urge to flee.
I didn't know what was wrong.
Was I different all along?
Gradually our bond grew
And then suddenly I knew.
It didn't affect me as before.
At times I even wanted more.
A new identity came to mind
To describe what was undefined.

Demisexuality they say,
A form of being gray.
All sexual attraction
A direct reaction
To forming emotional connection,
Complete with much affection.
Our bond, now strong,
Meant it no longer felt wrong.
This new term I could embrace,
Realizing I was kinda ace.
Much more clarity than before.
Still the relationship turned out poor.

"The incident" I'd call it,
But later I'd admit
Two similar events previous
Had shown his nature devious.
Even then it was hard to name
Without taking on so much shame.
A clear lack of consent.
We both knew what it meant.
Yet I stayed even longer,
New feelings becoming even stronger.
A new aversion to kissing,
Something he was missing.
No desire to hold hands
Despite all of his plans.
I realized a switch had flipped,
One I didn't know was in my script.
Finally the internet told me why
Everything had gone awry.
I must be a bit aromantic too.
Arospec now rang quite true.

Still, it took until now to learn
Why romance I'll suddenly spurn.
At times I'm all in favor,
At other times I waiver.
Again it's related to that bond,
And the way that I respond,
When we lose our connection,
Suddenly I'm filled with objection
To any romantic form of touch.
It all just feels like too much.
Finally I settled on demiromantic
When I want to be particularly semantic.
That relationship and many more
All parts of my "before."

Now I am thirty years old.
On my life I'm trying to get a hold.
Career wise I'm way off track.
Two Master's courses are what I lack.
Still, I greatly enjoy my work.
My duties I would never shirk.
Personally, I identify as an enby,
Though there are limits to how out I can be.
I suffer from severe anxiety and depression,
Yet mental health is my chosen profession.

Now, a new relationship has begun,
And from this one new feelings sprung.
Alterous attraction, affection,
At a romantic/platonic intersection.
More too that's hard to name.
She says she feels the same.
I'm head over heels for her.
She's not there yet from what I infer.
Still daily my love grows stronger
As our conversations grow even longer.
She's already feeling sensual attraction,
And my heart flutters at every interaction.
Maybe she's not "in love" yet,
But that no longer causes upset.
Her love for me is strong and unique,
Our future together anything but bleak.

Now we cuddle, slightly touch,
Feelings I enjoy so much.
Talk and share deep intimacy.
Support each other unequivocally.
Separated now, but it won't last long.
Soon we'll be right back where we belong.
Sharing memories, experiences, aspirations,
Creating sturdy, strong foundations.
Shared dreams of pregnancy, fostering, adoption.
Shared desire to proceed with caution.
Still, many of my walls have come down,
No longer needed when she's around.
The excitement and joy I feel from this
Put me in a state of pure bliss.
Our closeness that grows with each day
Gives me comfort when she is away.
Knowing she is my partner and I am hers
Brings me peace no matter what occurs.

Now I have her, and another too.
This one just about brand new.
Polyamory makes sense for us,
Which for me is a great plus.
With her the emotional connection I hold so dear.
With them a physical relationship that's still quite queer.
But I must admit, despite what I say
I'd be just as content if the latter went away.
Suddenly I find myself wishing for monogamy.
I really don't know why, honestly.
She's a sex-averse asexual
And I'm a pansexual demisexual.
But somehow I feel I could live without.
My need for sex I'm beginning to doubt.
If I take a hard look at my history,
I find much of my sex wasn't for me.
Things to think about, to discuss.
Communication will never be superfluous.

Tomorrow I look forward to.
One day I'll get a tattoo.
My current relationship I see as stable
In a future where alterous is still our label.
Poly or mono or who knows what,
Our future together is not quite clear cut.
Still I imagine having a baby,
Fostering others, adopting maybe.
With her by my side as my co-parent,
Our connection will be quite apparent.
A commitment, maybe a marriage,
Complete with a baby (or two) in a carriage.
Being each other's firsts, number ones,
With enbies, daughters, and/or sons.
That special person on whom you can always depend,
We'll be each other's lover, partner, and friend.

Tomorrow I'll one day be a therapist,
Kink-friendly and a feminist.
I'll help people with my skills,
And make enough to pay the bills.
My partner and I will create a family,
And live together happily.
I know in my heart these days will come,
As we dance to the beat of our own drum.
Sexually Demi and Ace, romantically Demi and Gray,
We fit together regardless, come what may.