My eyes hurt….
I always see people walk around looking energetic and full of life, but I can never be like them. I am tired. I can't keep my energy up, it might just be my head playing with me. My head is a shit storm it makes me question and judge everything. My mind makes violent pictures of situations I hope will never happen pop up. Why does this happen to me. Why must I keep going on everyday with this constant torment. Is it normal? Probably, I feel like I am the only one struggling with my mental states, which could actually be nothing. My body is something so weak and fragile, but I feel like my mind is weaker. How do I stop thinking? Something so simple would be to just make the thinking stop, but I can't. For a while if I distract myself it goes away, but at some point it comes back up and it torments me. Am I depressed? No I do not believe so. Do I have anxiety? No I do not think so, and if I did it would be something very weak. I think I just tend to make everything bigger than it is. Is that bad? Why does my mind play games with me. Shouldn't I be able to control it? Am I making up everything that happens to me? Is this real? How real is this reality and is it worth it? Am I suicidal? No I am not. Life is something I am okay with I do not feel discontent with how everything has played out. At times I feel lost and alone, but at some point I get back on my feet. Like everything there are good and bad days, but it's the lingering feeling that I hate. When I feel good, these doubts and feelings of failure, fear, paranoia, and despair hit me. It's never all at once it comes and goes slowly. It lingers and emerges like a mosquito, at first it's just a thought that I push away, but then its as if the mosquito injected the virus that infects my mind and makes me second guess everything. It makes me think of all the wrong things that could happen. Who can I talk to about this? Who wouldn't judge me? I know I can seek help, but what if I think I have something and it turns out I really do not have anything. But what if I do have something? These are thoughts that constantly emerge and clash in my head. I can't make them stop. At times tears spring to my eyes just thinking about it how I might actually not have anything. I do not understand why at times I feel so alone, when I have friends and family support. I am scared of acknowledging anything because if I know what I have, that is if it is anything what would that do? Maybe living in ignorance may not be a bad thing.