So I try not to think about it. What's happened. What's happening. If I think about it, I'd have to acknowledge that it was happening, and if I did that, if I do that, I'd have to deal with it. You don't - can't- understand. I can't understand. So I section off the parts of me that would hurt me, the parts I'm not ready to deal with yet, or maybe never will be. I section off the parts of me I can't understand. I section off the parts of me I won't admit. I section off parts of me. And I try not to think about it.
There's so much I don't know about myself. I spent so long just not thinking about it, like that could have stopped it from happening. I wish I didn't have to do this- this slow excavation of my soul, this excruciatingly illuminating drawn out torture scene. I wish I could go back to the start, do it right this time. Cut it out at the roots, salt the accursed earth my present sprouted from. I wish I could go back to the beginning, knowing what I know now, with none of the- The everything. I wish I could go all the way to where this ends, fast forward the process so I can see the progress, so I can just know without the knife of learning,I just wish I wasn't here, with the grasping ghosts of pain behind me and the slowly creeping, lazy river of anguish in front. I just wish- I just wish I knew.
I was scared to change. I was scared to lose it, the normalcy of the things I went through. I made suffering a habit. I didn't want what I knew to end, to feel, for the first time, the terrifying rush of freedom. But all things, good, bad and ugly, must inevitably change. Changing was hard. Painful. In my darkest moments, I wished that I was back at the start, that I had stayed there. Dormant. Stagnant. I wondered if I would ever just be happy. Content. Content- it's such a hard concept. And I looked for it everywhere, in everything. And I wondered- I wondered about god, and I wondered about death, and about truth, and about love, and about just simple existence. People tell you that there will be certainty in all of these concepts, safety. Security. That they will set you free. They were wrong. Maybe for someone else, these things would have sufficed, but I'm the only thing that has ever set me free. I don't know if I'm happy. Content- what a concept! I don't know if I'm more good or bad, these days. But I know that I'm changing. All the time, I'm changing. And I know that, for once, finally, I'm not afraid of it.