Chapter 29

On Monday morning, I regretted my decision to go back to school. My muscles were still weak from the sleeping pills, and my head was throbbing. My stomach ached from the bad decision to neglect the food that Jayden left for me. His uncle firmly explained to him that he could spend weekends with me, but he needed to stay home on school nights. Jayden couldn't wiggle his way out of it, no matter how hard he tried. While I was sad to see him go, I was ready to have some alone time - better known as dissociating without feeling bad about it. As soon as Jayden left, I headed into the bedroom and dove under my covers. I buried my face into the pillows, my arm instinctively curling around the dent from Jayden's body. Only a few nights ago, this bed was still firm. Our bodies were the first to occupy it.

How long had this furniture been sitting here, waiting for me? Since the summer after freshman year? Since the beginning of this year? Was it meant to be a gift once I started my first semester at Howard? Or had this always been the plan for when I finally stepped too far out of line?

I tried to hold onto the thought that the apartment was bought with good intentions. I could imagine my father driving through the streets with a small smile and refusal to tell me where we were going. I could feel my mother's hands on my wrists, holding my hands up over my eyes as we approached the apartment door. I could hear Donnie's screams of excitement as they unveiled this new space to call my own. It'd be a celebration of a new beginning – one that my family would be proud of.

It'd be a warm, fuzzy feeling that I'd never know.

I rolled over and pressed my face into a pillow. I didn't want to lament. I didn't want to cry. I didn't want to do anything. All I wanted was to lay here and pretend I didn't exist for a few hours. Now, I was reaping the consequences.

Reluctantly, I dragged myself out of bed and dressed for school. Tying the wool noose around my neck, I feigned a smile, testing the quality of my mask. In the mirror, the effects of the blows it'd taken over the past few years were evident. The charismatic color in the cheeks faded, cracks rippled through the smile, and insecurity was smeared over the confident facade. Wearing the mask looked worse than leaving it off. At least in its absence, I could own my exhaustion.

Sighing, I dropped the persona, allowing the person hiding underneath to show his face.

He looked worse off than the mask, with a clear frown and weariness clouding over his eyes. But the weight on his chest was almost non-existent. There were no expectations to live up to, no guidelines to follow, no charisma to energize. He was simply existing, aiming to skate through the day and return home to bed.

Maybe one day he'd have more of a purpose. But, not today.

As expected, I was met with furtive stares and sneaky whispers from my peers in school. Their words spread around my head like wildfire.

Daniel Crawford is back in school.

This is the first time he's ever been suspended.

Suspended? This is the first time he's ever gotten in trouble!

Did you see those pictures that Justin sent out?

I didn't know he was gay.

He can't be gay – he was dating me, for God's sake!

Can you believe he's dating that Latino kid? The one who was expelled from his old district for fighting?

Well, from the way he beat the shit out of Justin, it sounds like they're a perfect match.

I ignored the comments as best as I could. None of them were extremely malicious or condescending, so that made it a bit easier. Still, the unwanted attention made the bugs underneath my skin crawl.

At lunch, I sat at a table farthest away from the masses. The usual chatter bouncing around the cafeteria added fuel to my already raging headache. I'd already collected more make-up work than I could handle – and it was only the middle of the day. The neurons in my brain had a field day trying to figure out how I'd manage to complete all of it by the following Monday.

I glanced up at the sound of whispers a few feet away. My eyes caught a group of freshmen nearby, huddling together and staring at me like a lion in a cage.

Gritting my teeth, I folded my arms on the table and lay my head down. I blocked out the buzz of conversation around me, trying to find one quiet spot in my brain. Consuming a huge breath, I began to count.

One, two, three…

Slowly, I exhaled and counted backwards.

Ten, nine, eight…

A gentle hand placed itself on my shoulder, jolting me out of my breathing exercise.

Grudgingly, I tilted my head and peered into my best friend's concerned blue eyes.

"Hey," he said. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah," I replied. "I'm fine."

He took a seat in the chair beside me. "Where the hell have you been? You can't just pummel a guy, and then disappear off the face of the Earth."

"I went to one of my dad's apartments near the city," I explained. "I hid out there for a few days."

"Why did you go there of all places? How come you weren't answering anyone's calls? We were all worried sick about you!"

"I'm fine," I insisted. "I just...I needed a few days to clear my head after the fight."

"Clear your head about busting Justin's face in? Really? You shouldn't be beating yourself up over that! Justin had that ass whooping coming for months now." He pulled his chair in closer and lowered his voice. "Come on, what were you really hiding for? Because of those bogus pictures?"

I sighed, averting my gaze. "It's more complicated than that."

He tilted his head. "So, the pictures weren't bogus…? Those were real?"

"Yeah," I murmured.

Conner's brows came together. "Really? So, you and Jayden?"

I nodded. "For a few months now."

"Oh." His voice grew small. "How long...how long have you been into guys, then?"

I shrugged. "I don't know. Somewhere during middle school, I guess. Whenever the hormones and shit started."

"And you didn't tell me?" He asked sadly. "I mean, I know you can't take me seriously sometimes, but I hoped you knew I'd never judge you."

I glanced at him, noticing the sincere pain behind his eyes. Honestly, I hadn't even thought of how Conner might've reacted to my dating preferences. I'd assumed everyone would feel the same disapproval as my parents. I never stopped to realize there may be some allies in my corner. "I just...I didn't want to talk about it." I kicked his chair. "Besides, with your happy ass, I knew you'd automatically assume I had a crush on you."

He scoffed. "You don't? I mean, look at me!" He held out his arms and waved his blonde hair. "I'm a catch!"

I rolled my eyes. "You're not my type."

He smiled. "Right. Your type, right now, is Latino with green eyes and curly hair - no rack though. Does washboard abs substitute for that? Cause Jayden looks like he might have some of those."

I kicked his chair again. "Shut up. Don't worry what's under my boyfriend's shirt."

He held his hands up in surrender. "Right. Sorry, that's your job." He paused. "Wait, is Jayla actually Jayden?"

"You're just figuring that out?"

He threw his head back, letting out a roar of laughter.

A smile threatened to cross my own lips. Watching my best friend cackling in amusement over realizing my girlfriend is actually my boyfriend wasn't the reaction I expected; but it was definitely better than the alternative. I wished I had the energy to join him - to truly relish in his acceptance. Maybe one day, I'd be able to laugh with him over the irony. Today, I was content with watching, grateful that another person cared enough to stay by my side.

Existing through the rest of the day was a little easier after my conversation with Conner. I ignored the subtle whispers in the halls and weeded out some of the make-up work that wasn't worth sacrificing my sanity over. I promised myself I'd focus on the assignments with the most points; my grade could take a few hits.

By the end of the day, I was exhausted. As much as I wanted to go home and sleep, I knew there was one more person I needed to make things right with.

As I pulled up to the elementary school, I noticed some of the classes had already been dismissed. Kids ran wild around the courtyard, climbing on the playground or darting towards their parents' cars. The gentle wind carried their infectious laughter through the air.

The school doors opened again, and another wave of kids flooded down the stone steps.

Donnie caught my eye immediately. He hung back behind the group of kids, walking slowly with a frown plastered on his lips. He watched his classmates eagerly reunite with their parents, his chest visibly rising and falling from his deep sigh. His eyes fell to the ground as he descended the stone steps.

I noticed his babysitter standing near the sidewalk on the other side of the courtyard, patiently waiting with a sympathetic smile.

My brother didn't even look up as he walked towards her direction.

"Hey, Spiderman," I yelled. "Your ride's over here!"

Donnie's head snapped up at the sound of my voice. He whipped his gaze in my direction. A smile erupted across his face, and his brown eyes lit up with joy. "Danny!" He exclaimed. He turned on his heel and raced towards me.

I bent down to his height, opening my arms.

He leaped onto me, latching his little arms around my neck. "You're back" he whispered into my shoulder.

"Yeah," I whispered, enveloping him in a tight embrace. "I'm back."

He picked his head up, his brows curling together in concern. "Where did you go? Why did you leave? How come you didn't –"

"Donnie," his babysitter's voice saved me from hearing the rest of his question. She stood by us with her arms crossed. "Come on. I need to take you home."

"No. I want to go with Danny."

"But, your parents said you're not allowed to…" her voice trailed off as she glanced at me.

"What? They're forbidding me from seeing him?" I asked.

His babysitter shrugged her shoulders. "Kind of. Yeah."

I could've laughed. Of course, they'd try to cut me off from him. They wouldn't want me to corrupt their second chance at a perfect child. But they should know better. Donnie was too attached to me. I'd been more of a parent to him than they ever were. He'd never let anyone erase me from his life – not without a fight.

"I'm going with Danny," Donnie said firmly. "I'll be home before my parents, anyway."

His babysitter frowned. From the bags under her eyes, no doubt from her schoolwork course load and other part-time job, I could tell she was too tired to argue. "Fine," she said. "Just have him home by 7."

Donnie grabbed my hand and began tugging me towards my car.

"Thank you," I managed to say to his babysitter before Donnie towed me away.

My little brother was uncannily silent during the ride to the ice cream shop. I kept glancing in the rearview mirror to make sure he was still breathing. Each time I checked on him, his eyes were fixed on the world passing by outside.

I let him contemplate his pending questions in peace. After all, I did have to construct my own answers to them. Hopefully, they'd satisfy him, and he wouldn't be too upset with me. I'd already lost my parents – I couldn't lose my brother, too.

In the parlor, Donnie stirred his spoon idly around the scoop of ice cream. He refused to meet my gaze, keeping his eyes strictly on the mountain of cookie dough ice cream.

"What's on your mind?" I asked.

"You left and didn't say goodbye," Donnie said solemnly.

"I'm sorry, Donnie. I wanted to say goodbye, but I didn't want to make you upset."

"Mom and dad said you left because you didn't want to be a part of our family anymore." He finally looked up at me, tears brimming his eyes. "Is that true, Daniel? You don't want to be my big brother anymore?"

"No, that's not true. I love you, and I love being your big brother. I'd never abandon you."

"I told them that, but then they said that you weren't a good person – that I shouldn't be around you. They said bad things would only come out of spending time with you."

My blood boiled underneath my skin. I should've known my parents would turn me into the villain. It was always my fault for not being good enough. For not being perfect. With me out the way, now they'd push that narrative of being unworthy onto Donnie. I'd never wanted that for him. He deserved to be treated better.

"Do you believe that I'm a bad person?" I asked cautiously.

"No," Donnie replied. "You're the best person in the whole world. That's why I was so worried. I knew there was something wrong. I knew you wouldn't just leave." He tilted his head. "What happened, Danny?"

I sighed, trying to form an explanation he could comprehend. "Remember in some of your shows, the way that a girl has a crush on a boy or vice versa?"

He nodded.

"Well, I don't have crushes on girls. I have crushes on boys."

His eyebrows came together in confusion. "Okay."

"Well, mom and dad don't think I should have crushes on boys. They thought it was a problem that needed to be fixed. Do you remember the last summer that I went away for camp?"

"Yeah. Kind of. You came back different. You were always tired, and you didn't smile as much."

"During that summer, mom and dad sent me off to fix my crush problem."

"But instead of fixing the problem, they only made things worse?"

"Yes. The problem wasn't fixed. I tried to pretend it was, but it…it wasn't."

"So, you still have crushes on boys?"

"Yes."

"And mom and dad don't like that?"

"Yes."

"So, you left because of what they think?"

"No, no. I didn't want to leave. I…I had to leave. Our parents…they didn't want me under their roof anymore."

"Oh," he said quietly. His brows came together again. "Why? What's wrong with having crushes on boys?"

"Nothing," I explained. "There's absolutely nothing wrong with having crushes on boys."

"But, you won't live with us anymore?"

"Unfortunately, not."

"Then, where will you live?"

"I have an apartment closer to the city. I'll live there for now."

"Can I come live with you?"

I almost smiled. "Nah, buddy. You'll have to stay with our parents for now. If we can bribe Mrs. Doubtfire, then maybe you can spend the night on the weekends."

A tiny smile finally graced his lips. "Okay." He paused. "Wait, if you have crushes on boys, then who do you have a crush on?"

I chuckled at the curious gleam in his eyes. "Well, I've moved past the crush stage. I'm dating someone."

"Who are you dating?"

"Jayden," I answered.

"Oh! Is that why you smile so much when he's around?"

A genuine laugh escaped my lips. "I guess so."

"Wait, if you're passed the crush stage, then does that mean you love him?"

I raised an eyebrow, honestly taken aback by his question. "What do you know about love?"

Donnie smiled. "Well, I love you!" He paused. "And that's what the couples say in the movies and stuff – that they love each other." His eyes lit up with another question. "Are you guys gonna get married?"

"I don't know."

"Well, if you do, can I be your best man?"

"Donnie, you're going to be my best man no matter who I marry."

He beamed. "Do you promise?"

"I promise."

He hopped out of his seat and ran around the table. His little arms wrapped around my torso, squeezing with all his might. "Promise that you won't disappear again?"

"Yeah," I whispered, holding him close. "I promise."

Dropping Donnie off was more difficult than I expected. He sat in the backseat for a long while, babbling about any little topic he could think of. Even when he ran out of things to say, he still didn't touch his seat belt buckle. Instead, he stared at the house with a small frown and tears brimming his eyes.

"Do you really have to leave?" He asked quietly.

"Unfortunately." I finally opened my car door. "Come on. Let's get you inside."

His grip was tight on my hand as we walked to the front door. He kept his head down, staring at his sneakers.

On the porch, I bent down to his height. Placing my hand under his chin, I lifted his head up. Stones sank into the depths of my chest at the sight of the tears falling down his face. Gently, I placed my hands on his shoulders. "I don't want you to be sad," I said. "I'm still going to pick you up from school and help you with your homework and hang out with you. None of that is going to change. Okay?"

He nodded. "Okay." He threw his arms around me and buried his damp face into my shoulder.

I hugged him tight, soaking up the love he was offering. The warmth in the pit of my stomach chased away some of the demons still lingering in the back of my head.

At least for a moment.

The swing of the door blew out the tiny fire, summoning the cold. My father stood in the doorway; his broad figure outlined by the indoor light behind him.

"Donovan," he commanded, his voice hard. "Come inside, now."

Donnie reluctantly let me go. His head sank back down as he shuffled into the house.

"Next time you take him without permission, I'm calling the cops," my father said.

"And tell them what?" I asked. "That his big brother took him out for ice cream? You and mom may have disowned me, but he hasn't."

"We are doing what's best for him."

I scoffed. "Oh yeah? The same way you did what was best for me?"

He glared at me. "You need to leave. Now."

"I am. Just know that I'll be taking him whenever I want." I backed away from the porch, turning my back on him. "It's not like you'll notice he's gone, anyway."