Boy friend. They are such simple words. It's a boy who is a friend. But when you say it like that, boyfriend. The two words together, it becomes so much more. It means sitting closer than you should so you can be in the same space. Handholding, hugs, and kisses stolen in the hallway as you hurry off to your next class. It means you have someone to eat lunch with and call to wish goodnight and good morning to. Someone to share funny memes and gifs with that your other friends wouldn't get. Someone to take you out so you don't stay at home alone all weekend like a loser. A boyfriend. I think it would be nice to have one of those. I'd like to... No, I'd love to have one of those. In fact, I might even go as far to say as I'd kill to have one of those.
Too bad I'll never get the chance. That is unless I decide I'm going to kill my parents. That's the only way it could happen, right? No parents means no one to tell you, you can't do something? That's my line of thinking although I know it's not true. Theresa lost her Mom's and they put her in foster care. Every month she got a new family because she was a rulebreaker. If she didn't obey their rules she was sent back to foster care and had to be placed in another family. That was until she found Steve and Trey. They understood her and gave her room to stretch her wings and grow without her feeling stifled.
But enough about her. This is about me thinking of murdering my parents. I just don't think I could do that. I love my Dads. They are the best. Really! I mean that it's just well. They wouldn't accept it if I had a boyfriend. It's not normal to like someone of the opposite sex. I'm ashamed to be a freak so I haven't told them. I can't bear to tell them. What would they say? "You like a boy, Alice? As in he is a male?"
I'd nod with tears in my eyes. "Yes! I like a boy and his name is Adam."
"You can't like a boy! You just can't!" One would shout losing his temper. "What about Hailey or Rita. I know they both like you."
"OOOH or Katrina. She'd be really great for you. I see the way she stares when she comes over to study." The other would say.
I'd give a big sigh, "But I don't like them that way. I never have liked any of my friends that are girls that way. I look at them and try to imagine what it would feel like if they kissed me. It just feels wrong. But then I look at Steven or Ephraim or David and think about them kissing me and I'd feel all warm inside. I'd feel happy. Don't you want me to be happy?" I'd say through my tears.
"Well, of course we do," They'd look at each other in disbelief, wondering why their daughter is so strange. "It's just that... It's not normal is all. Girls don't have boyfriends. Girls have girlfriends."
"And boys have boyfriends." The other would finish off. And I'd cry harder than ever because I knew I could never have the feeling that they have for each other for a girl and I'd be doomed to live a life alone.
That's why I'm telling you, Diary. Does it make me a bad daughter that I've actually entertained the thought of killing my parents just so I could be free to love whom I want? I feel like it does. I know this topic has been briefly touched upon in previous entries but I can't deny myself any longer. I hurt all the time. I'm angry all the time and that's not the type of person I am or want to be. So, I'm writing it down. I'm straight. There! I said it out loud too. The relief was palpable. My stomach stopped hurting for the first time in months. I feel better. I'm saying it again. I. AM. STRAIGHT. Man, that feels good to say!
Prom is coming up and all I want to do is ask Adam to go with me. I know for a fact that he doesn't have a date yet. I've asked around. Should I do it, Diary? Should I ask Adam to go with me at the risk of breaking my father's hearts? Or should I continue to suffer alone? Unhappy. Denying myself what I so desperately want? Scared I'll never experience real love? These are the questions that are plaguing me tonight at 2 AM. Probably too deep of thoughts for a seventeen-year-old girl, especially at this hour, but there it is. I had to get it out so maybe now I can get some sleep. I really think Adam feels the same way I do, but I don't know. The only thing I can do is ask him if he wants to go. If he says no, then I will know, right? Prom isn't for another five weeks so as long as I ask him by the end of next week, that will give us enough time to get our outfits together. I guess I'll think about it. I'll let you know what I decide. Till next time.