This is not a journal. This is not a book. This might not even be a story.
This is merely expression.
And this may not make the least bit of sense, but then- it doesn't have to.
I am not ill. I may not be completely healthy either, but that does not mean I am unfit to do anything. Although, there may be some things that are beyond my capability. I know that I am not at full efficiency; I have no delusions about that.
But them, what am I? Who am I? How am I?
I do not know how to explain any of it. I don't understand it myself, and yet, I must.
It's a fine conundrum, indeed.
I don't know where to begin, so I'll just write down whatever comes to my mind, when it comes to my mind.
People keep assuming I'm sad. I'm not. I'm just not happy.
I used to think that there was only black and white. Wrong or Right. Sad or Happy. False or True. Then, I was introduced to something whose acquaintance I made for a while, but became intimately acquainted with only now.
The fine line of gray that runs between everything.
Computers and Mathematics have very strict rules. There is no vagueness, no scope for ambiguity. I'm going to get slightly technical now, but I'll try to explain it in as simple terms as I can. After all, the point is to get my point across. A boolean variable is one that must assume one of two values - true or false. Each of these values is the negation of the other. (Negation is denoted using '!'. '!=' denotes 'is not equal to'.)
TRUE != FALSE
!TRUE = FALSE
!FALSE = TRUE
Either here or there. However, I can only wish this applied to reality. What Computers, Mathematics, and even some people fail to understand is that "SAD != NOT SAD" and "SAD != HAPPY" does not imply that "NOT SAD = HAPPY".
Conversely, "!HAPPY != !(NOT SAD)" which implies "NOT HAPPY != SAD".
I'm not happy. I'm not sad either.
I'll agree that I have more negative emotions that positive ones. That is not the problem. The problem is the general case - which is the situation most of the time - when I feel nothing. For lack of a better word, I am numb.
The world seems dulled; colours seem bleached. It's quieter, because sound doesn't register. Time moves differently. Sometimes, it races by, and at times, it competes with a snail, where the snail would probably win. It's like seeing through tracing paper, and listening through cotton wool. Everything is there, but it's not. You live a dream - or a nightmare. Appetite drops. Sleep alternates between being your closest companion and your most elusive enemy. And your head threatens to implode. Constant, dulled pain at your temples, behind your eyes, at the centre of your forehead - utter exhaustion, throughout your body. Relaxation feels like a myth, or sleep, perhaps both.
Life becomes one big contradiction. You want something; you don't want it. You crave something; you detest it. You love them; you hate them. You want want to get better. But then, people ask you if you can't get better, or won't get better. Perhaps you aren't really trying. Because, at the end, it's all you. It's all in your head. It's you, through and through. Therefore, the only one who can make you better is you.
Well, thank you for your consideration and helpful input. I'll be sure to keep that in mind. Now, may I ask something?
How do you fix something when you don't even know where the damage is, and you can no longer remember how it was back when it was still intact? What do you do, when you no longer know who you are, or were?
It sounds ridiculous, but it's the truth. It feels like you've separated into two - 'am' and 'was' - and you can no longer tell which one is real. Who you were seems to be a dream. Who you seem to be is a mess. Who, then, are you? You are an amalgamation of all your selves. There is fact and there is fiction. Union and Intersection. Maybe even conflict. There is certainly contradiction. In the midst of all that, is you.
Or is that me?
This piece is different from anything I've done before. As the beginning of the piece states, this is merely expression. To honour World Mental Health Day, this is my contribution.
I've tried to show what it feels like to be dealing with it. I'm trying to help those who have never experienced it understand what people go through. I'm trying to let those going through it know that they are being heard, and to give them a voice. This piece is going to be confusing, conflicted, and maybe it won't make sense. But, that is what it is supposed to be.
I'll be uploading this in parts, so please do follow it. I'd love to hear from you in the reviews, especially if you have anything to add or share. And for those who simply want to talk or share, my PMs are open to you.
I'm proud of you for hanging in there.