Hats. What a weird concept, right? They go on your head to cover up what? Your hair? Which totally gets ruined by putting on the hat! It defeats the whole purpose of putting on a hat. Maybe to save yourself from rain? That part I get. You cover your head so you don't get it wet and drip all over the hallway. But the rest of you is wet so your dripping anyway! Okay, maybe it protects your scalp from the sun if you don't have much hair to cover it. Other than that, I don't see the point of them. Not until I met Ed.
Ed always wore a hat. Even indoors, rain or shine, summer or winter. A hat always graced his rather large head. Come to find out, there was a reason for that. His abnormally large head was hiding a secret. The hat was so he didn't have to explain himself and stop the stares that would no doubt come if they knew the truth. The truth was, it hid his pointed speckled blue head. I'm not kidding you, his head looked like a robin's egg. Bright blue and speckled with brown dots.
So how did I find out about Ed's head? He was a good friend of mine. I thought it rather odd that he'd always go home at the end of a night out. He'd never take anyone with him, although we all knew he was single. He never drank too much that would require him to stay over somewhere. Never. In all my years of being friends. Even in college, he'd go home alone. He didn't have a roommate though the university requires you to have one. Somehow, he lucked out. Only now I'm thinking he did some Jedi mind trick to convince them he had a roommate when he actually didn't. But back to how I found out.
He had a party at his place. The first time ever and many people wanted to check out his home. First thing when you entered was a hat rack, holding 20 hats. They were all similar, rather plain, brown or black, small brimmed. Nothing to bring much attention to him and all had hair attached. I asked Ed about the hair. "It helps me out. I don't have much by way of hair and it helps me feel not so self-conscious." He told me. I figured there was more to the story than that but didn't push it. Everyone has their issues.
After a lovely dinner party, we started playing Cards against humanity. He had requested no alcohol at this shindig and people obliged. Therefore, everyone was free to go home at the end of the night, no problems. I'd had a migraine that day but there was no way I was going to miss Ed's party. I went. The crowd got to be a little much and I slipped off into his guest room for a reprieve. Long story short, I ended up taking a nap. Ed had no idea I was there. When I finally woke up, it was late. I didn't know what to do. Should I try to leave? Go back to bed and get up in the morning like nothing had happened? I would have stayed rooted, but I really had to pee. The house was dark. I snuck out of the guest room, down the hall to the bathroom to do my business. While there, I decided I'd leave. Ed didn't know I was here so he'd never know if I left.
How wrong I was. I opened the door to the bathroom and all I see is bright blue before I'm smacked in the head with a baseball bat. When I come to, I find I'm tied to the guest bed and Ed is pacing back and forth. I watch him, staring at his bright blue sparsely covered with hair and speckled head. The rest of him looks normal, but I'm not so sure either. "Hey, Ed! What is going on here?"
"Oh good. You're awake! After I saw it was you, I hoped I hadn't hit you too hard. What the heck are you doing here? You were supposed to have been gone hours ago!"
"I got a migraine and went into the guestroom to try and get rid of it. I fell asleep."
"Ah, I know those migraines can knock you out. Apparently, I can too!" He laughs. "I'm sorry I hit you though. I thought you were a burglar."
"I would have too. I hate to point out the obvious man, but..." I indicate his head.
"Yeah. About that. That's why I had to tie you to the bed. I'm going to have to erase your memory. You're not supposed to know I'm here. It could put both our lives in jeopardy."
"What did you do, man?"
"It's not what I did, it's what I saw. I'm sure you figured out by now I'm an alien. Oh, geesh! I might as well tell you since I'm going to erase your memory. It'll be nice to speak about it, just once. I was sent here as part of witness protection. I'm hiding out on planet Earth so the evil megalomaniacs don't find and kill me. They already killed my whole family. I saw what they did to get their power. It was not pretty." He goes on to explain the whole damn thing to me. What exactly he saw, how he got here, how long he's been here and how one day he hopes to go home. Time moves differently here than where he's from so it could happen, he just doesn't know when. "It would be nice if a human knew about this, but it's against company policy so I have to erase your memory."
It's a good thing he's shit at it because I remember everything. Every single stupid detail of that night. Now, it's the only thing keeping me alive.